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The Dawn of a New Day

December 8, 2013 //
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Like any other, this day begins with a sunrise. Most are quite lovely, when I take time to notice them. Has anyone ever paused to notice the sunrise and said ‘damn, that’s just not attractive at all!’? I somehow doubt it very much. Sunrises, as things go, are pretty reliably lovely. I find myself wondering if that is in any part due to the simple relief and gratitude of waking up for one more day of living?

One of many sunrises.

One of many sunrises.

I slept poorly, and I am unsurprised; a significant change in my routine often disrupts both my sleep and my emotional balance, whether the change itself is a positive or negative thing. I am learning to refrain from defining a given change, or experience, as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Someone else has an excellent parable about that.  I like parables in general, and along with metaphors, and allegories, find them both illuminating and efficient at communicating subtleties in ideas.  There are some good ones here.  I sometimes consider their value as ‘children’s stories’ over the more favored (and severely idealistic) ‘fairy tales’ with reliable happy endings, where everyone gets to be a princess. Would I be different than I am if my childhood had been filled with wise parables that taught perspective, compassion, and consideration, rather than filled with fairy tales where the princess always wins – even if she didn’t really do much to earn it?

I’m not being fair to fairy tales, though, or to the volumes of reading I did as a child. I read all the fairy books…and mythology, and legendary tales of mystery and fantastical wonder, anything I could find in a language I could read, actually.  I still somehow missed some very important messaging somewhere along the way, or failed to carry it forward in life with me.  Like so many people I ended up thinking seeking ‘my fortune’ and seeking ‘happily ever after’ were goals worthy of my time and attention, without understanding that these things are of so much less value than the foundation stones required to support them: contentment, compassion, consideration, gratitude, self-acceptance, and finding that inner stillness with which to contemplate and enjoy the wonders of life.

I’ve somehow gone off on a tangent. I’m okay with that, this morning. It is a lovely morning, and soon enough I will be in mindful service to home and hearth, finding new balance in a new routine.

This morning looks like a good day to avoid assumptions, to be compassionate and patient with others – and myself, to cherish the warmth of life, love, and family. Today is a good day not to take other people’s stress as my own. Today I will practice new tools, and take care of me. Today I will change the world. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, winter, Words

Move Along…

December 6, 2013 //
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…Nothing to see here.

Well, actually, I’m taking a couple days to get my balance and savor my experience mindfully.  Winter came upon us abruptly, with icy mornings and cold winds. I find comfort in the warmth of holiday baking and mindful service to home and hearth. For now, I am taking time for me, investing in personal growth and putting the best of my time and attention where I need it most.

Ginger snaps

Ginger snaps

There is much to learn from this (any?) experience.  I am exploring new things about myself as I learn, and change over time.  I am embracing a clearer understanding of my self, and my values, and what my life means to me – the whole thing, vast, and in places rather bleak; where I begin, where I end, what is about me, what isn’t. I have, for now, time enough available to me to turn the machinery of my analytical mind, and the power of my experience to bring insight to my own life, my own ‘then’ and ‘now’ and tend to the deepest needs of my heart.  What a rare and precious gift. What an exquisite opportunity.

Peanut Butter Kisses

Peanut Butter Kisses

So…my last day at work had been planned for the 11th. Comfortably and easily became the 4th, a day I was again struggling to manage everyday pain in an everyday circumstance, unsuccessfully. It was good to find myself at home, safe, warm, and comfortable, in the company of family and friends preparing for the holidays, sooner than planned.

Peanut Butter & Jelly cookies.

Peanut Butter & Jelly cookies.

I’m still working on ‘getting my balance’, and interestingly pursuing that goal through home crafts as the holidays near. I’m finding it lovely to practice mindful baking; the cookies are amazing. I also find it incredibly difficult to create the cognitive ‘space’ I need to write. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure. (I find myself contemplating what I might find through a silent retreat…)

Compassion for myself, and patience, seems easier than I recall it being. It’s a quiet evening, and the ups and downs and everyday challenges of dealing with me are more nuisance than crisis. It’s a good evening to change the world…or put up lights. 🙂

Changing the world - with twinkly lights. :-D

Changing the world – with twinkly lights. 😀

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, winter, Words

Today, or One Just Like It

December 2, 2013 //
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Today got off to a difficult start, although it is limited to my own experience, very internal, entirely subjective.  I’m even ‘over it’, already. That’s something quite new. Like discovering anything new, the experience is edged with curiosity and uncertainty. New tools, new skills – a new experience.

How approachable I felt this morning. :-)

How approachable I felt this morning. 🙂

It’s nice to have choices. It’s wonderful to be able to use new tools, to really experience growth and the promise and potential in change. There’s not really a lot more to say about all that, just now. I’m relaxed and smiling, and readying myself for a day of work that has challenges of its own to share, lessons to offer, opportunities for further growth. There are only 7 working days left with this employer, counting today. A relaxed holiday ahead of me on the calendar after that, which still seems incredibly luxurious.

The communication piece is a big deal. I’m still learning to communicate in-the-moment in a simpler way.  I learned to use language and vocabulary, over time, to cope with the frustrations and everyday challenges of being misunderstood or just not heard (“If I just choose the right words…”).   It doesn’t actually help, and rather often complicates the matter needlessly.

So, onward to the new day! Today I am compassionate, and patient with myself and others. Today I am content to appreciate my experience and the lessons it teaches me about treating myself – and others – really well.  Today I will change the world.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

Simply This

December 1, 2013 //
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A quiet autumn morning begins. Rain taps at the skylight, reminding me to considering what I wear when I head out into the world a bit more than an hour from now. The sky is still dark. My coffee tastes strange; we’re nearly out of vanilla syrup, the early morning favorite here, so I made my coffee with caramel syrup this morning instead. (I feel a mild moment of regret that doesn’t linger.) Waking to the alarm was an unpleasant surprise. I had forgotten, already, that the work week begins this morning, although I remembered last night when I set the clock.

I woke with the alarm. I reconsider that, and find myself smiling. It’s a lovely morning, in spite of feeling a bit groggy and disinclined to fulfill the obligations of employment. 8 more days, counting today, then I get a bit of a break for the holidays. That’ll be a nice change.

The unexpected demise of a fish called Wyatt was harder on me than I’d like it to have been. I addressed my reluctance to deal with new fish by tearing down my quarantine, cleaning it thoroughly, testing the parts and rebuilding it, and testing the success of my basic processes with the addition of a few new neon tetras.

Neon tetras? I’ll admit they are quite my favorite fish, if I were limited to choosing just one sort, although I’m not sure why.  They were the specie I wanted first, most, and indeed built my planned habitat around.  Generally considered a ‘starter fish’ by aquarists, they are still a startling flash of exotic delight for me; I love their color, and movement.  I don’t mind that they aren’t taken at all seriously by many people. lol. I don’t need them to be anything but what they are.

Wee fish, thriving.

Wee fish, thriving.

Life isn’t always especially challenging or complicated. It’s nice to enjoy the simple stuff, too. It’s been a wonderful holiday weekend to share at home with family.

Today I hope to make wise choices. Today I am kind. Today I am compassionate. Today I smile because life is worth smiling about. Today I will change the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Remember That One Time…?

November 29, 2013 //
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Remember that one Thanksgiving, the hard one, the one with the moods and the tantrums, the stress, the hard work, the tense conversations and everyone trying so hard? Me, too. We probably all do – or something very like it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I’m thankful to see another one come and go. I’m thankful that generally speaking I don’t have a lingering recollection of the challenges of the holidays, only the fun, the recipes, the wonder.  Yesterday will be one of those Thanksgivings.  Long after all reminders of the difficult moments have faded, I’ll still be remembering the delicious turkey, the flavorful potatoes,  the exceptional cranberry sauce, and the look in a toddler’s eyes trying that flavor for the very first time – wide-eyed wonder and awe, and delight.  Years from now I will still remember with fond gratitude how my partner happily took on serving the pie I made earlier in the day, because I was just too tired to handle that one more task.  I’ll remember how my other partner seemed always at the ready with that extra pair of hands someone needed in the moment.  I’ll remember the quiet beauty of the classical music in the background, and the delicious sweetness of the Ipsus we served with dessert. I’ll remember the tasty pork loin brought over for the meal by a dear friend of many years, and his excellent biscuits. I’ll remember how good everything tasted, and how happy I was with the pie crust I hadn’t planned to make from scratch, but did.  I’ll remember how lovely the table looked, how gracious my partners were, how well-behaved the baby was. I’ll remember the affection and the warmth of the holiday meal.

Happily, and in no small part due to my TBI, I’m probably going to forget about my mood swings, hot flashes, headache, aching knee, arthritis pain, the incredible workload, the pace of the day, and the rather extraordinarily ugly tantrum I had in the morning when my PTSD met me in the corridors of hormone hell after I got an unexpected email from an ex.  (Yep. Still very very human. I checked. O_0 )

Unfortunately, my partners probably won’t have the luxury of forgetting the difficult bits. I’m thankful to be so well loved in spite of that.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, grief, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships
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