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Art & Life

November 5, 2023 //
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I am sipping my first coffee. It’s quite late in the morning on a Sunday. Feels like a lazy day, but I’m in the studio, after a lovely walk on a misty morning. The marsh trail is closed for the season. The all-year trail is still open, and quite lovely. The trees are wearing Autumn colors, and the migrating flocks of birds entertained me with their murmurations as the dawn became day.

Walking Autumn trails.

My Traveling Partner is in his creative space, printing parts, re-assembling a 3D printer, and doing his thing. I’m in my studio, in a similarly creative mental space. This morning my head is filled with art and meaning, connections and inspiration. I am thinking about the past – and the future. I am listening to music that connects those elements of my life in an entertaining way; Cyberpunk. This Billy Idol album came out in 1993 – well-before I had a computer on my desk, myself. I had read my share of William Gibson, of course, but pc’s were not yet commonplace and “smartphone” wasn’t even a word yet. I had yet to form the future friendships that would come to rely on internet connectivity to sustain them over time. Listening to Cyberpunk now, it has a lot of peculiarly prescient elements that now seem almost mundane and just a little “so what?” I find that quite interesting. It remains one of my “forever favorite” albums. My favorite track? Probably Adam in Chains… I think back on “that time”, and find myself wondering how I didn’t “pick up on” the value of mindfulness and a serious meditation practice then…? How did it take me so long to get here? I remember listening to Adam in Chains with my headphones on, or alone at home with the stereo cranked up, stressed to a breaking point, drifting deeper into a meditative state following the flow of the music…finding temporary peace. It wasn’t a practice, just a moment.

…Listening now, it lifts me and lifts me, and I feel a wholeness and contentment and joy, although the lyrics and music are not of a happy place or time…

I could have come farther, faster, sooner if I had made the connection, perhaps… It’s a complicated journey. I took some detours and some dead-end paths. I’m not even sure I regret those, knowing what I know now; it’s been a life well-lived. There’s no knowing which small detail, changed, would change all the rest. Would I give up even one friendship formed later to have healed sooner? I don’t think that’s a choice I’d want to make. If finding mental health, wellness, and emotional stability would have come sooner, but at the cost of never making the acquaintance of my Traveling Partner…? Would I have chosen sanity over love? I don’t know that I would, given a chance to make an informed choice. Love is pretty splendid.

Art inspired by life, new work in progress waiting for attention.

I tinker while I sip coffee and write. I pause the music when my Traveling Partner pops in to show me newly printed parts from the new 3D printer – pretty amazing stuff, and I delight in both the quality of the results and his obvious satisfaction. I re-connect the Bluetooth antenna to my desktop computer in order to pair the Cricut; it’s a pain in the ass to balance my laptop on my knees in the studio, when I could be using my desktop computer for the design work so much more conveniently, and it’s been holding me back a bit. The beat pounds in my ears as I type. My coffee is still warm, and well-prepared. It’s a good day for art and play and love – I feel inspired.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Art, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

If It Makes You Happy

November 2, 2023 //
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Do more of that. No kidding. If you’ve something that gives you joy, delights you, provides you with comfort, satisfies you, and lights you up from within – do more of that. I’m just saying… if it makes you happy, do that. Or not. You can choose misery if you’re more comfortable with it…

…Maybe take your chances on something that feels good in a healthy way…?

I’m sitting here thinking about lessons learned, what feels good, what brings me joy, and the temptations in life that seem like they bring me joy – but come at a high cost. (Looking your way, gummy candy!) In this particular moment, I’m giving some thought to my health, and the consequences of snacking on goblin treats as the Hallowe’en holiday approached. It really wasn’t good for me. Quite a reminder, though, and I am making a point to not do that now, and to drink more water, and thinking ahead to a walk later; this is a fragile vessel, and one mortal life seems barely enough for all the things I’d still like to do. I can do a better job at taking care of this meat sack while I reside in it. lol

Making good choices requires both discernment between what merely feels good in the moment and those things that have more lasting (healthy) value – and being willing to make the hard choice. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I need help. You, too? There’s real value in sharing the journey when it’s difficult. I think about my Traveling Partner, and his willingness to share his own struggles. He patiently tells me (again) when I drift toward unhealthy meals, reminds me what he likes, what works, what leaves us both feeling healthy and nourished. (Damn, dinner last night was so good!) I sit with my thoughts awhile, feeling loved. I’m fortunate to have found in him a friend as well as a lover. He’s not perfect – neither of us is, and we’re more alike than not, which is weird in spots. lol

…A wave of subtle sadness and nostalgia washes over me as the day breaks to a gray cloudy sky. I let my playlist put my feelings into words. It’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, turning 60

Joys and Pains

November 1, 2023 //
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It’s a lovely quiet evening. I’m relaxing, listening to the sound of rain. It is actually raining, but I can’t hear that; the house is a pretty quiet one. I’ve got a video on that is also raining. It’s a nice backdrop to a few quiet minutes. I’m enjoying the satisfaction of a work day well-spent and feeling wholly appreciated. It’s lovely. I worked from home, too. All around a first-rate day.

…Later I’ll finish reading Lord of the Rings (well, the first of three volumes), but for now, this is enough…

My Traveling Partner is in the other room. He and his son and their online friends are louder than usual. He attributes it to good sound quality and someone with a boomy voice. I didn’t argue; from my vantage point, they are loud compared to usual. It’s a “joyful noise”, though, and I am not disturbed by it. They’re having a good time. I’m having a good time. It’s a good time.

…I’m well-aware there is much horror, violence, and conflict in the world, but my sanity quickly breaks down if that’s the entirety of my focus…

I think about things. I think about projects for the holidays that seem to be distant on the calendar, but feel imminent in my sense of things. The “crafter’s CNC machine” in the studio, waiting for my attention is also in my thoughts, as is the written and video content I’ve queued up for additional study. Yes, for me it takes rather a lot of reading, study, practice, reinforcement, failures and re-attempts to learn new complex tasks to get myself to a point where I feel confident and more assured of reasonable successes than likely failures. That’s just real. I don’t weep over it often these days, I just seek to account for it and do the needful. I think about love – and being asked to fold 4 dry towels in the middle of a busy work day by a partner who is… not working at the time he made the request. lol I think about the 3 loads of my own laundry that I’ve continued to not fold for something like… 3 weeks now? 4? I just keep wearing what I like, putting it back through the laundry and dropping it back on the stack of clothes. It’s fucking dumb, and I don’t know why I’m stalled on that, but totally willing to do the very same task for my Traveling Partner when he asks. It’s a bit of weirdness, and I’m familiar with it. I’ve “been here before”, and there’s a real chance it’s a “canary” of heightened background stress not being adequately dealt with in some way.

I sigh contentedly. In this pleasant, quiet moment, it’s easy to forget all about whatever the fuck is up with me in some seemingly abstract way. I know better than to avoid it indefinitely, but I don’t at all feel like dealing with it now. It’s nothing I can do much about… the world, warfare, the violence of angry strangers in places that are not here, now. It all weighs on me. I breathe, and let it go. Again. I listen to the rain, sip my icy cold glass of clear, clean, potable water and make a point of feeling grateful to be in this place, in this time.

I’m also in pain. It’s just physical pain. It’s my arthritis, and it’s Autumn, and rainy, and chilly, and none of this is unexpected or even new, and as much as I want to be annoyed and snarl about how much worse it seems… even that is purely perspective. It’s not as bad in hotter, dryer months, and the change of the seasons brings things round again to the season of pain. So, okay. I’m in pain. I’m not alone in that. I hurt. So do a lot of other people, some of whom have no means of finding any relief at all. So… more gratitude. More appreciation for how much worse it truly could be. I’ve been there, too. I’m not there now. This is better and that’s something worth feeling grateful for. My head aches. My neck aches. Those things are likely related to each other. Still, it could be so much worse. Yes, I’d like it to be better… but… I don’t think making a big deal out of it day after day after day will do much to improve the situation. Hell, I regret this bit of generally harmless grousing about it. I’m only saying it “out loud” because it is so very commonplace, and I guess I need that reminder.

Did I mention what a lovely quiet evening this is? I sit with that awhile.

…Then I begin again.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Starting Slow

October 25, 2023 //
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I tossed and turned a bit during the night. My sleep was disturbed by surreal dreams that seemed real enough in the moment to confuse me when I woke. My silent alarm woke me gently, but I woke feeling quite groggy and went through the motions of getting ready for the day feeling a little numb and disoriented. It all ended up pretty routine, anyway. Easy commute into the city. Gray clouds filling a dim pre-dawn sky as I parked. Sparse lights here and there in condo towers as other early risers get things started for another new day.

…I find myself wishing, again, that I weren’t in so much pain…

I make coffee in the office after I get my laptop set up. I catch up on email and pings and look over my day plan. I sip my coffee.

Still feeling sort of foggy and stupid, I step outside to breathe the cool raining morning air for a minute. It doesn’t really change anything, but it is pleasant. That’s enough. I breathe, exhale, relax, and do my best to let go of my steady awareness of my arthritis pain; it’s not helpful to allow it to be the focus of every moment. I stretch, and sigh, and go back into the office. My coffee is tasty and hot and it sort of anchors me to the moment. Stabilizing. Comforting. I think of my Traveling Partner, and hope that he is still sleeping and getting good rest for the work day ahead.

…I kind of want to just go back to bed…

Autumn. Funny season, and my favorite, but as the day length changes with the calendar, and the weather turns rainier, I find myself yearning for long lazy leisure days of morning naps and afternoon coffees, and evenings by the fire. I think ahead to the end of the day, and remind myself to have a soak in the hot tub if it isn’t pouring down rain. Mmmm… that sounds delightful. 😀

The local murder of crows passes between the buildings beyond the window, very near by. I wish I’d had my camera ready for that shot. They settle in the trees in the park below. The sky begins to lighten, reminding me that a new day has started… and it’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Sight, Sound, Scent, Taste

October 19, 2023 //
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I’m sipping an iced cold brew coffee, and nibbling a breakfast sandwich from the local baker on a foggy Autumn morning. The sounds of the city seemed muffled as I crossed the park from my parked car to the office. The fog wraps the high-rise condos and office buildings in a peculiar disappearing act, and as they rise into the fog they disappear, with only a few lights still twinkling through the mist. The ice in my coffee clinks when I lift the cup and the coffee is bitter and icy, each sip simultaneously refreshing and just a bit perplexing; I am used to drinking hot coffee in the morning, and I have no idea why the change this morning (I just “went with it”). The sandwich is savory, well-made of fresh bread and warm, freshly scrambled eggs. The crunch of the toasted bread is a nice complement to the warmth and softness of the eggs. The hint of salty flavor from the olive tapenade used as a condiment delights me. It’s a very pleasant morning, and it lets me forget for awhile what a fucking trainwreck the world seems to be right now.

…Will humanity even survive itself?…

I smile quietly to myself, feeling incredibly grateful to have a Traveling Partner who understands enough of my trauma history to “get” why it’s a terrible idea for me to read the news (or get tempted into doomscrolling a news feed). He filters the news for me very considerately, finding reliable sources that are very factual and less inclined toward click-bait or emotional provocation, and does a lot to keep “war porn” away from my eyes (and consciousness). I don’t do well if I get mired in despair over faraway battlefields I can’t do anything about, but would still obsess over. I have looked directly into the eyes of War and I have seen too much, too clearly. I have ties to people and places that seem chronically in conflict. I just… can’t. I care too much, and have little influence or power to make real change. All I can do is raise my voice (and vote, with my ballot and my money) and do my own best not to be part of the problem. I send heartfelt kisses his way and hope that he is sleeping deeply and dreaming of wonderful things.

A murder of crows flies past the window and settles into the trees below. Autumn. The sky is beginning to lighten with the arrival of the new day, but it’s a gray and featureless sky this morning, and not very exciting. I still find myself inspired by the fog, the city lights, the towering high-rise condos reaching into the mist… the artist within looks over the analyst’s shoulders; I should paint this weekend. 🙂

I’ve started reading Lord of the Rings. I never have. I once started The Hobbit, but I struggled so much with the author’s writing style I just set it aside and never went back. I’m just a bit embarrassed by that, but… Proust is also waiting for my attention. I’ll get there. lol So far I’m well-into the first book of the trilogy, and enjoying it quite a lot. I smile a silent thank you to my partner again; his fondness for these books is certainly a large part of why I decided to give it another try.

…So… A misty Autumn morning and a new day unfolding ahead of me. Somehow it’s already time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, War and News of War
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