Archives for posts with tag: sufficiency

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September 12, 2016 //

I sat for some time at the patio window, meditating. It wasn’t a fancy moment, just very chill and quiet and comfortable. Enough. Noise, excitement, adventure, the going, the doing, all these things have their place; I also love stillness. There are things to be found in the stillness, alone on a meditation cushion. It doesn’t require fancy props, or tapes of soothing voices rambling pleasantly, or very strict adherence to specific posture or breathing techniques, and it’s quite free – as in, no financial cost. It’s odd that it was so late in life to find my way to this specific practice. I’m glad I finally did.

Perspective matters. I often find it here. 😉

Now and then a friend asks about my meditation practice. They’ve tried, and it “didn’t work” for them, or they didn’t understand the peculiarities of some branded practice of meditation. Too complicated. Too hard. No time. Until as recently as 4 years ago, I would have said “meditation doesn’t work for me”, too. It’s true that what I was doing that I was calling meditation was not doing for me the things that meditation could purportedly do. It was a pretty big deal to understand that there is more than one contemplative practice to choose from that can be called meditation, and some of them are pretty interchangeable (outcome-wise), others less so. Some are an easy fit for my lifestyle, others less so. There are experts who write about them all. Still… the basics are pretty basic… Start with a moment.

This moment.

Just breathe. Take a moment for you. Sit comfortably. Be aware of your breathing. Let your thoughts drift past without investing in them, or interacting with them, as though from a distance. Breathe. Deeply. Comfortably. Focus on being aware – of your breath, of how you feel, of your emotions. Observe yourself without judgment. If you find your mind wandering, bring it back to your breath. Again. And again. It’s a practice. It doesn’t have to be fancier than that. My results vary. There are verbs involved. It’s enough. 🙂

Tags a seat by the window, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, the choice is yours, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

Contentment or Perfection?

September 11, 2016 //

It is a lovely morning. I woke rested and feeling content and comfortable in my skin; it’s a nice feeling with which to start the day. I breathe the cool morning air deeply. I sip my coffee. I think of friends. I think about my traveling partner, wishing him well wherever he is this morning.

I eye my fitness tracker suspiciously, irked by an obvious lie; it says I slept well, continuously through the night*. I didn’t at all. I was up a number of times because I foolishly drank 3 glasses of water in the last hour I was awake! I start down the path of troubleshooting that, reading user reviews and forums, and finding myself “inactive” on my tracker – so much so that a hummingbird lingers for some time at the feeder, watching me not doing anything. I have a thought, at that point… am I really investing time teasing apart this puzzle, now? Does it matter that much? No, seriously – am I actually going to require atomic-clock accuracy from a value-priced piece of wearable technology I bought on a whim primarily to count steps and monitor activity? (Well? I’m really asking here…) Do I actually need that to achieve my goals? (No.) Is approximate relative precision enough for my own purposes? (Of course it is.)

This image is not “accurate”; it was taken on a different day, at a different time, and it is not “now”.

It’s funny/not funny how easily I can be tempted by discontent. How quickly “enough” can become seemingly inadequate – over expectations and assumptions. I was surprised by the sleep feature yesterday, because of the level of detail. This morning I woke having assumed it would reliably do precisely that, daily. It didn’t. I could curse the device, become dissatisfied, cling to wanting more until it feels like I need more, then rush to spend more money on a more expensive device because it seems like more is necessary to achieve “enough”. It’s a trick. A lie. Enough is actually enough – that’s sort of how sufficiency works, actually. 🙂 For me, and it is very much an individual thing, it is enough to be mindfully aware of how my devices are actually working, and account for that in my understanding of the data they provide. Done. Troubleshooting over. Satisfaction with my morning restored. So easy. 😉

(No, it isn’t easy. Yes, it takes practice. Sure, there are verbs involved. Of course, your results may vary. It may not be obvious, but it is worth the practice…well…it has been for me.)

Isn’t it funny how easily misled we are by marketing, by the media, by the stories we tell ourselves about what is, what isn’t, and what we think we have to have to get by? Something to think about…

Today is a lovely day to let go of untested assumptions. Today is a good day to be aware that my expectations have no effect on reality. Today is a good day to walk away from arguments – even with myself. Today is a good day for brunch with a friend… It won’t change the world, but I do like brunch. 🙂

*Followup note: as of some three hours after I woke (well, that’s when I noticed), my devices are now all fully synced, and the sleep tracking has updated. I’m pleased by that, and more pleased that I managed my primate drive for immediate gratification with some skill this morning. We become what we practice. 🙂

Tags begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, data-driven results, do you have data?, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindfulness, perspective, practicing the practices, Samsung Gear Fit 2, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what gets measured gets managed, what matters most?

Categories health, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets, Words

The Brain Attacks! Again.

September 9, 2016 //

It could be that some of my challenges will be part of my experience for as long as I’m experiencing things. It sucks more than a little bit to dwell on that, so I move on with my thinking as quickly as I can, but without cruelty or dismissiveness. I am human, after all. This morning I woke, and quickly found myself reduced to tears…over… nothing. Nothing whatsoever that has any substance in this moment, I mean. Emotions. Dreams? Maybe.

“The Nightmare City” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow

I woke feeling angry with my traveling partner, which is odd; one of my challenges is feeling safe about, and comfortably expressing, anger in my closest relationships. (It’s baggage that isn’t about my traveling partner, but he’s had to endure me lugging it around all this time.) I woke feeling angry that in our first years married, illness held him back from doing a lot of cool things; we stayed home, a lot. Now he’s well, and feeling fully himself, and he lives a busy life of adventure, going, doing, experiencing new things… and we no longer live together, and these are not our shared experiences. The anger I woke with quickly threatened to become a tantrum, a storm of unrelenting strong emotion knocking me off-balance with hurt feelings, and regrets. The anger became grief and sadness as soon as I let myself feel my feelings with compassion, and recognized the simultaneous feelings of resentment, sadness, and insecurity. My heart cried out “what do we have that is ours?” and I couldn’t answer it – not because there is nothing with which to answer, but because I can’t easily find the answer (through tears, through heartache, through the fog of just waking up, before my coffee…) without considerable thought. I let the tears come; it would be a genuinely sad thing to share nothing with one’s lover, and were that the case, there would be no failure in these honest tears.

It’s okay to put some of that down, for now.

Later, I sip my coffee aware of the authentic feelings at the root of my difficult waking moments. I’m deeply in love with this particular human being I call my traveling partner, and at least for now we live very separate lives. Sometimes that is a painful experience. Sometimes it holds some relief that this human being so dear to me doesn’t have to struggle under the weight of my chaos and damage full-time. Right now, in this moment, I just miss him and find myself wondering rather hormonally what value I have… (Fuck you, Menopause, I’m supposed to be past having to deal with hormonal bullshit!) It’s rather foolish. It’s very human.

Love matters most.

Seasons change. Over the long summer I’ve come to miss him greatly, after enjoying living with him through the winter. I’m eager to enjoy the autumn and winter months together, celebrating holidays, enjoying the company of friends… but… there is something real here that may want my attention, and getting past the tears I’m aware that most his “go” and “do” activities in the past 2 years have developed in other relationships than ours. We spend very little time together; he’s busy elsewhere. (It’s quite possible the time we do spend together fully meets his needs. I’m not sure I’m ready to ask that question…) I woke up hurting over it and wondering what value “we” have for him. It’s not something to stew over – that’s a fast track to misery. I’ll just ask when I see him again, and he will tell me, and then I’ll know. I’ll be back to work soon… there won’t be time for fussing about how little time we spend together, then; there won’t be time left in the days for it. The time we spend together will be limited to the time we have.

My calendar is very full for the next several days. Appointments. Brunch with a friend over the weekend. Friday night with the guys from my previous work team. My last week of leisure will probably be filled with “getting ready to go back to work” activities. It’s not likely that these will be days filled with sadness or passing emotional storms, there’s too much to do, and life to be lived. I feel some regret that my traveling partner wasn’t available to enjoy more of this time away from work with me… but it was time I took for me, as it was, and it has been well-spent on healing, growing, and practicing good self-care. Worthy endeavors, good outcomes. (So, hey, Brain, stop being such a bitch to me, please?)

A gray dawn greeted me so gently I barely noticed it had become day time while I wrote. I’m not crying now, or even sad really. I’m sipping my coffee, listening to music, and feeling a contented smile tug at the corners of my mouth. I think about other friends. Other loves. Other moments of great joy – or great sorrow. Impermanence is a very real thing, and change is, too. I smile thinking about my traveling partner’s good times to come, and his journey here and there. I’m already eager to hear about it – and he hasn’t even departed. lol He’ll take approximately no pictures at all, but my imagination will fill in all the details in the telling. 🙂

Today I don’t opt into loneliness, and once my tears have dried it’s another lovely morning, heading into another day of living a life built mostly on contentment (and bits and pieces of chaos and damage). Today is a good day to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, honest tears, impermanence, love and lovers, meditation, menopause, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, spilled milk, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words

Letting It Rain

September 6, 2016 //

I woke to the sound of rain falling. Although the drenching shower has diminished to a friendly patter by the time I sit down with my coffee, I’ve enjoyed it. I have no firm expectations of the behavior of rain, beyond that it will, at some point, fall. I’m a pluviophile; I enjoy the rain.

Whether I like rain or not, there’s no stopping it when it comes time for rain to fall. I can stay indoors, if I choose. I can venture forth, it’s another choice. Generally the choice is entirely my own, today I have an appointment. “Letting it rain” is more an approach to the inevitability of rain, which I can’t control at all. I breathe the scent of it. I enjoy the splendor of rain drops, all their forms, all their sizes. I enjoy the peculiar alterations to just about everything touched by the rain, transformed for a time. I treasure rainy days.

Raindrops on roses.

This morning, I’ll take my coffee by the patio door, comfortably seated on my meditation cushion, watching the rain fall. It is a lovely moment, and very much enough. 🙂

Tags be here now, being and becoming, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, let it rain, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, raindrops on roses, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Roses, The Art of Being, Words

And a Side of Raccoons

August 30, 2016 //

Yesterday managed to be a relaxed and fairly satisfying day, in spite of having several things planned that relied on careful timing. Lunch with a friend was merry, filled with laughter, and the pizza was quite good. I got to my appointment on time. My on-phone interview resulted in an on-site interview later this week. I even got a couple unexpected messages from my traveling partner, away this week and still thinking of me. 🙂

The afternoon wasn’t remarkable in any particular way; I relaxed, did a little yoga, did a little housekeeping, read a bit, and finished the evening quietly, and early enough to wake this morning ahead of the sun, feeling fully rested. A good beginning to a new day…then add raccoons. 🙂

It was just one of those early morning moments; there were raccoons on my patio, and on the lawn just beyond, quite a few of them – like a small herd, or a tiny fur-covered sports team, playing together in the pre-dawn twilight. I watched for some time, then thought to grab my camera. I generally take ‘natural light’ shots – my flash is turned off for that reason. I took time to turn the flash on. Then I took time to take a picture of the inside of my screen door – after carefully moving from my studio window, to the patio door, because I didn’t want to shoot the inside of the screen! LOL (So human.) At that point, I’d definitely alerted the wee fuzzy bandits to my presence, and they began to waddle off to some place safe from “the paparazzi”. I opened the patio door – they were far enough from the patio now that any concern about raccoons darting into the house were just foolish whimsy (although, frankly, I have trouble imagining a raccoon “darting” anywhere, or resisting imagining they might). I got one last grainy shot of the 4 slowest raccoons as they made their way to places unknown. I’m still smiling. I grew up on nature shows, and seeing my Grandfather’s travel slides of far away places and exotic animals. It delights me greatly to watch the raccoons, or the squirrels, or the crows, or really most any creatures doing their thing. (Yes, I also watch people, when I am out and about. We’re very interesting primates.) It was an entertaining start to the day.

Not my best picture, but a moment worth cherishing.

So today is a Tuesday with a side of raccoons. I’ve no idea what other delights the day will hold, and I’m not seeking more adventure than whatever naturally turns up on my doorstep. My “to do list” is mostly housekeeping and self-care, another phone interview, and today my traveling partner returns home (although I’m not likely to see him before Thursday).

Today is a good day to enjoy moments. Fun moments. Rare moments. Sensuous moments. Kind moments. Close moments. Tender moments. Friendly moments. Serious moments. Earnest moments. Other moments; there are so many to choose, to appreciate, and to savor. Today is a good day to share a moment, with a friend, with a stranger, or with the world. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, perspective, practicing the practices, Raccoons, sufficiency, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being, Words

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Contentment or Perfection?

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The Brain Attacks! Again.

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Letting It Rain

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And a Side of Raccoons

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