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The Worst Headache Possible…

January 13, 2024 //
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…I remind myself for perspective that there are worse headaches than this one. The worst headache possible would quite likely be much worse than this. This one’s bad, though, and I didn’t sleep well with it once it developed. I woke cross and irritable and in more pain than usual, and it’s not a good place to be…but… it’s icy and stormy outside, and I’m safe and warm inside, and I guess things could be just so much worse. No bombs falling on my neighborhood, for example. No flood waters rising. No terrible plagues sweeping through the community. I’ve got this good cup of coffee, and this quiet office, and that’s saying something. I’m in a fortunate place. I just happen to also have this really awful headache competing with my arthritis pain for my attention. It’s shitty, but… it could definitely be worse.

…I sip my coffee and try my best not to be obviously irritable. My “best effort” feels incredibly inadequate, and I commit myself (again) to at least going through the motions of being a pleasant human being if I’ve got to interact with my Traveling Partner – but it’s admittedly easier to be alone in my studio, headphones on without music, avoiding the necessity of interacting until called upon for some specific act of support or care that he needs enough to ask for. Some days, I’m recognizably a fairly limited and shitty human being whose “best” is wholly inadequate for “the common good”. Still doing my best. Hoping to outlast this headache without being a shit to my partner.

My tinnitus is incredibly loud in my ears – that’s often the case if I’ve got a worse-than-usual headache. This one is complex, a combination of my brainstem “feeling like it’s on fire”, and intense aching pressure across my forehead, from temple to temple, and behind my eyes. The whole painful mess seems to begin with my neck, up high, against my skull, and deep inside – I find myself wishing it were “only” a tension headache instead; that would almost be a relief. I know my Traveling Partner worries about my headache. I’m overdue to pursue more attention on some of these physical ailments. I admit I’m frustrated to the point of learned helplessness as far as dealing with them, though. I sigh and remind myself not to catastrophize; it’s just a headache, right? It’ll pass.

I sip my coffee – it can’t be helping that I didn’t have my first sip of my first cup of coffee until almost 10:00, when I’m usually drinking coffee by 05:30. That’s one truth to be mindful of; the habits and routines that comfort and support me come with consequences, in some cases quite visceral and real consequences, when those habits or routines are broken.

My coffee tastes good. I barely notice or care. The headache is a major distraction. I feel my occipital neuralgia beginning to flare up across the left side of my face. Fucking hell, this too? Well, the coffee is soothing and welcome, and I try to force my focus back to that experience.

I peek out a window and see snow.

Snow fell during the night. It’s just a dusting, really, but the temperatures fell to well below freezing – 20 degrees at 10:00 am. I’m definitely not dragging my arthritic bones out in this. When I’m feeling less cross, it’ll be delightful to hang out and maybe watch movies or something. Maybe bake a coffee cake. The forecast suggests these cold temperatures may last until Tuesday… I take a minute for heartfelt gratitude that I am able to work from home. I often go into the office, because I can, but it’s definitely something I am grateful to have a choice about. My Traveling Partner put a lot of love and attention into my home office space, and it’s well-prepared for pretty nearly any sort of work I do, whether personal or professional, creative or billable (or both). It’s nice. I take a moment to appreciate the self-love and attentive self-care that have gone into this, too. I didn’t get here without me, any more than I got here without my partner. 🙂

…Good coffee…

How to begin again…?

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, winter

More to It Than That

January 11, 2024 //
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I’m sitting in my car, listening to the rain falling. It’s a chilly Winter morning. There’s serious Winter weather in the weekend forecast. I think about going to the store to “stock up”, but I find myself wondering if that’s more reflexive than necessary. We’re generally pretty well supplied with day-to-day basics. I could pick up some convenience items I guess, maybe fresh veggies and some chicken…

The pain I am in this morning is “ordinary”. It’s part of my daily experience of life, and it’s difficult to bother bitching about it sometimes. Yes, I’m in pain. Yes, I took something for it. No, that doesn’t really resolve it. I try to avoid letting pain call my shots, because at least for now that’s still an option.

My Traveling Partner is also in pain. He also does his best to manage it. I can’t know directly how much pain he is in, but I feel for him in that “fuck, I wish I could help” kind of way. I feel pretty helpless, though; aside from my concern and general helpfulness I can’t do much about his actual pain. Nor can he, for me.

Physical pain is one of the least pleasant experiences of being alive, I personally think, but it’s also pretty commonplace.

I sit with my thoughts and breathe. The rain falls. The wind blows. Occasional gusts rock the car. The trees along the trail just in front of where I am parked wave as a group in the wind. A very committed runner goes by, headlamp shining brightly and illuminating the path ahead of him. The rain continues to spatter the car.

… I’m so tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’d sleep in if I could, but that hasn’t been successful in a while. I feel rundown and overextended. I know I need more/better rest. I don’t actually know how to get that, presently. There’s a lot to get done and with my Traveling Partner injured, a lot of it falls to me. I remind myself I only need to do my best and that has to include taking care of myself. It’s reasonable to fall behind on some things. I make that okay with myself (again), and focus on today, now.

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s okay that it isn’t, and it doesn’t need to be made more difficult with a bunch of bullshit expectations of reaching beyond our abilities, time, and energy. It’s okay to slow down (unless you’re being chased by a bear or something, in which case maybe don’t slow down! 😂) It’s important to take care of this fragile vessel. It’s even necessary.

I yawn and look at my calendar. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

Oh, Hey There, Morning…

January 5, 2024 //
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I looked up from work and noticed that morning had shifted from the pre-dawn darkness to the post-sunrise shades of a blue-gray Winter morning, the sun hesitantly peeking through the clouds, low on the horizon, reflected in the windows of the condo high-rise across the park. My first cup of coffee is standing cold on my desk, untouched. What the hell? I sat down and immediately went to work without a second thought, or, really, any other thoughts at all – just the work in front of me. An “easy” request for a colleague I’m always eager to help out when asked, and I just got sucked into it. I was immersed in this task quite contentedly for some 90 minutes or so (longer than I expected it to take, but the results are better than required or expected, and I’m pleased with the finished work).

…Cold coffee… better than no coffee…

I stretch, and yawn, and wonder if I should make some oatmeal or something… seems a worthwhile endeavor. I’m hungry. I should do something about that. lol

The commute in was accompanied by a steady driving rain, but traffic was light and it wasn’t a bother. I even enjoyed the time spent in my own thoughts as I made the trip into the city. It felt like time well-spent, in spite of being an absolutely routine commute for work. I sit with that thought for a moment, wondering what makes the difference and can I duplicate that more reliably? Small changes can really matter for the overall feel of a lived experience.

I think about far away friends. I miss them. I find myself simultaneously yearning for their good company, but, also, yearning for more solitude. I definitely don’t get enough of that. It’s a peculiarly difficult puzzle to solve. I think it over and watch the sky shift to a strange muddy sort of pinkish dull gray as the sun continues to rise. Stormy sky. My arthritis says more rain to come. I believe it, seeing this sky.

I finish off this cup of cold coffee and make some notes on the work ahead of me for today. Feels like “just another day” and I’m ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, gratitude, loneliness, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, The Art of Being, winter

New Day, New Moment

January 4, 2024 //
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It’s early. I’ve got this moment, and this fresh cup of coffee. In a sense, everything is new and the entire day stretches ahead of me, all potential, untouched by turmoil or hard feelings. I love this time of day; it reminds me how real each new opportunity to begin again really is. I sigh contentedly. I sit quietly, just enjoying the moment without needing to change it at all.

My heart is filled with love, and I’m thinking of my Traveling Partner. I ping a “love note” in the form of a digital “sticker” to him, forgetting for a moment how early it really is. I hope I didn’t wake him… He generally does not take his phone into the bedroom when he retires for the evening, so… it’s probably fine. (I reliably do, and have more than once been wakened because I’d forgotten to silence notifications, or left the stupid thing face up too near to my face.) Yesterday had some difficult moments, but they were illusions born of emotion, in most cases, and the practical details did not need all that drama. Human primates and their messy emotions!

Love is strange and wonderful stuff. Anyone who has ever seen my Traveling Partner and I together recognizes (and often comments on) how obviously in love with each other we are…but… as wonderful as Love is, it doesn’t do much to make someone a better human being than they actually are. We’ve each still got to work on that for ourselves, every day. I’m a deeply flawed human being, marked by trauma, sometimes mired in my chaos and damage, dragging my baggage around with me like I really need that shit close at hand. lol Messy. There’s so much work to becoming the person I most want to be. Putting down the baggage sounds so easy… it isn’t. There are verbs involved. Practices. Study. One might expect cleaning up the chaos and damage would be a relatively procedural matter involving some clear steps and reliable outcomes, but that has not proven to be the case in practice. My results vary. The outcomes often seem to change the path ahead and my understanding of myself changes over time.

I sip my coffee. I feel pretty okay today. I got some sleep last night. I slept until my “alarm” brought the lights up to full brightness. I “finished my dreams” – which nearly always finds me waking feeling that sleep is “completed”. I didn’t stumble or drop anything as I dressed and readied myself for the day. Traffic was light and the commute was an easy one, in spite of the drenching rain that accompanied me along the highway. The day has had a promising start and I feel optimistic. I’m not even in much pain. My tinnitus is relatively mild this morning, mostly fading into the background. My cervicogenic headache is a barely noticeable 2 out of 10 or so on a 1-10, and my occipital neuralgia seems to have – for the moment – diminished. My arthritis isn’t bothering me, today, yet. A good start to the day, feeling good, sipping coffee, and looking out the office windows on the rainy pre-dawn cityscape below me.

My results vary. However easy or difficult the journey, yours will as well. No point taking that personally. I breathe, exhale, relax, and sit here with my coffee and my thoughts. I make shit too difficult, sometimes. I mull that over while I drink my coffee. There’s something to learn there.

I yawn unexpectedly, finish my coffee, and prepare to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

Never Enough

January 3, 2024 //
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This journey that is “being human” is pretty strange. The path veers and is not always easy to see, regularly obscured by doubt, frustration, or buried ancient fear. Still, this is the life we’re given and the time in which to become. I sip my coffee thinking my thoughts. If I wander as I wonder, please forgive me; I’m very tired, and I’ve got a headache. I’ll do my best to get to my point… if I can. If I have one.

I think the point I’d hoped to make is that my (our?) sometimes frustrated sensation of “never enough” has at least an element of truth to it; we are ceaselessly becoming. We have opportunities to grow, to advance, to change, to do more/better over time than we were once able to do. It’s pretty easy to acknowledge our (my?) plentiful imperfections, and to recognize that we grow and change, but… there’s that irksome sensation of inadequacy, of “never enough” that vexes the soul now and then. Frustration. Disappointment. Sometimes it feels like a win to remind myself that I am worthy, that I am enough… but… from another vantage point, if that were truly the case, why would I constantly be seeking to grow and to become the person I most want to be? I sip my coffee and think that over for awhile.

…I’m so tired…

My hair is soft, resting in loose waves along my neck. I push my glasses back up the bridge of my nose, and run my fingers through the softness of my hair. It feels nice. I sigh out loud in this quiet space and feel the seeming vastness of the solitude, broken by the glow of the monitors in front of me, hinting at life beyond this moment. The big office windows display the park below me, still dressed up in holiday lights. They contrast merrily with the pre-dawn darkness. It’ll be awhile before daybreak arrives. It’s early. I sip my coffee and watch the occasional car make the turns around the park. It takes up one city block, with parking on all sides. At this early hour, there’s not much going on down there, and not much to see. the condo tower on the opposite side of the park has more lights on than usual, and many of those have holiday lights. Pretty. I sit and think, and sip coffee, and breathe. This moment, here? It’s enough. I enjoy it for awhile.

I woke “too early” this morning, and I’ve not had enough sleep, and the sleep I did get was restless and interrupted. My tracker seems to think I managed to get almost 5 hours of sleep, but it was broken up into unsatisfyingly short fragments of the night, the longest of those being just about 3 hours. I’m not in a bad mood, though, and today is off to a better start than yesterday. I keep drinking this coffee. I grab a bottle of water from the beverage cooler and start drinking that, too. I smile to myself, remembering that this new day is filled with all the promise of every new day; it is new. A chance to do more/better, to do differently, to make what matters most the real priority – and to sort out what that is, to me, today.

…A chance to be the person I most want to be…

Yesterday evening my Traveling Partner got super annoyed with me over me being a bad listener. (I’m not going to argue that point, frankly I struggle with interrupting people on this whole other level that goes well beyond “poor listening”, and I continue to work on it – it’s a brain injury thing, nonetheless there is value in doing better.) He was feeling mad and hurt and not heard. I think we mostly worked through that. Along the way he shared two videos with me about listening, both are quite good so I’ll share them here, too (and a couple others I have bookmarked). I think we could all stand to improve on how well we listen, you know?

I keep working on being a good listener. Having a brain injury is a pretty notable stumbling block on this path, but no one said the path would be well-paved, and brightly illuminated, eh? Generally speaking, working on something is easier if you at least know it’s a problem… but… in this instance, I’ve known for ages, and I still struggle. I keep at it. Small incremental changes over time are worth the effort.

I guess that’s the point; there are verbs involved. Results will vary. The value in any given practice is in those small incremental changes, which do add up. There is no “perfection”. Achieve one goal, and there’s another just on the horizon. Another step on the path. More to practice. That “never enough” feeling is annoying, to be sure, and it’s a sign of frustration, and perhaps fatigue. There’s more to self-care than diet and fitness and a good night’s sleep (Although, right about now, a really good night’s sleep would be a win). Learning to be a good listener is an important social skill, worthy of practice. Balancing “all the things” is what eases that “never enough” feeling… because the hours of the day are finite. Life is finite. It’s important to make room for self-care alongside the being and the becoming.

I sip my coffee and yawn. I’ve lost the thread of my thoughts… and it’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter
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