Archives for posts with tag: taking steps

Relaxed and Hopeful

July 31, 2023 //

I am sipping the last of my first cup of coffee this morning. The paper cup is still warm, though the coffee is almost gone. It’s a cool summer morning at the leading edge of a new work week and the start of the day. I pause along the path I am walking to sit a moment, breath the morning air and listen to the birds and the sound of distant traffic and construction.

I finished at the sleep lab this morning at 06:00… Rather late compared to my usual wakeup time around 04:30 or 05:00. Weird experience. 10 out of 10 for “interesting”. Hard to say “how I slept”, although the sleep technician asked, as did the questionnaire I filled out after waking up. I did sleep. I am rested. My sleep was about typical for a “good night” for me. A bit restless, and interrupted a couple times, but in this case the restlessness had a lot to do with being wired up every which way, making it tough to be entirely comfortable.

My Traveling Partner isn’t wrong though; I’ve got apnea bad enough that it was easily detected in the first couple hours of the night, causing the technician to come in and wake me long enough to go ahead and put me on a CPAP machine for the rest of the night. Sleeping with that addition further complicated my ability to be comfortable, partly because I was all wired up still, and partly because it was something more to get used to, and in a strange place on top of that.

… I still managed to get enough sleep to be fully rested, and more hours than typical for me. A larger percentage of my time asleep, according to my sleep tracker on my wearable was spent on deep sleep. Win.

This is all very encouraging. It’s an unfortunately slow process though. I now have to wait for the physician to get back to me and schedule time to come in to get my prescription and machine. Did you know you can’t easily get a CPAP machine without a prescription? Lucrative bit of medical industry this sleep stuff, eh? Probably not a coincidence that the doctor here also owns the medical equipment supply business here in town.

… Pretty morning. I feel hopeful. A good time to begin again.

Tags a good night's sleep, are you getting enough sleep?, get help, let me sleep, p.s. I love you, ptsd, sleep apnea, sleep hygiene, sleep study, sleepless nights, snoring, taking care of me, taking steps, TBI

Categories Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being, turning 60

No Convenient Title

September 27, 2017 //

I’m dithering this morning. Struggling to fully wake up. Groggy. Dragging myself through the morning, unexpectedly. I think I slept just fine, although I woke briefly around 2 am. I feel disconnected and disengaged. I could happily go back to sleep if that were an option. I sip my coffee and wonder how it is that it is already cold. Have I really been awake more than an hour? Sitting here, fingers poised over the keyboard, coffee slowing going cold, a blank white page in front of my eye holes, just… waiting? Weird. It’s a bit as if I had attempted to boot up my laptop, logged in, then got a progress bar, and… no progress. lol Hung session. I’m stalled. Shit.

“Have you tried turning it off, and then back on?” my brain quips at me, silently. I snicker at myself. It would be handy if it were that easy. As I said, I could happily go back to sleep if that were an option. It is, however, a work day for me… so I trudge through my routine persistently.

The morning continues slowly. Not at all productively. I’m barely on track with basic self-care. lol What the hell? Well… living proof; my results vary. I really need a do-over. A restart. I need to… begin again. lol omg. So tired…sort of… I mean… just not really all the way waking up, yet. Inconvenient – and no proper condition in which to drive a car in rush hour traffic.

I make a fresh coffee, and head to the deck to enjoy the dawn.

So…yeah… spiders are a thing.

Well… I’m awake now. Coffee cup in hand, fresh hot cup of coffee, I step out onto the deck, into the cool dewy morning… and walk into and through one (or more, it’s not clear at this point) vast sticky spider’s web stretching invisibly across the deck, between the eaves, over the entry way. I didn’t see the rather large spider until well after my panic attack (complete with some spastic dancing, and possibly a startled shout, and some hysterical flapping of arms and twirling and stomping – a proper freak out, actually).

I have definitely restarted my morning. LOL After splashing fresh hot coffee all over the deck – and my work clothes – I’ve showered again, changed into other clothes, made yet another cup of coffee, checked again for spiders, like, a million times. lol Fuuuuuuck. Did I mention how fucking alert I am now?? Damn. So… what the hell? Was that necessary? “Be careful what you wish for…” my brain smirks at me. Definitely awake now.

…Still don’t have much to say. Okay, okay, some days more than others, yeah? Time to do a Wednesday.

Tags be here now, being and becoming, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, it isn't an easy journey, mindfulness matters, my results vary, perspective, practicing the practices, spiders, taking care of me, taking steps, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path

Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

At Odds With Myself

June 29, 2016 //

This morning I woke to a welcome cloudy sky, a cool morning, and an already prepared ‘to do’ list for today. Generally that’s a comfortably pleasant experience.

Yesterday’s cotton candy sky ends a lovely day.

This morning… I am at odds with myself, in the sense that my list and my calendar reflect a purposeful nature I’m not feeling [at the moment]. It frustrates and annoys me [before the day even properly begins]; there’s certainly nothing on my list for today that needs to be handled before 8 am. Nothing on my calendar begins before 9. I just don’t want to. I. Don’t. Want. To. I’m in no mood to adult today, thanks… only… am I not? Really? Or is it more than I’m not yet really awake, haven’t had my coffee, haven’t ‘figured me out’… and so, don’t really know what the ideal ‘order of operations’ could be… or… something? If I allow myself to accept the premise that I don’t want to adult today – will I lose the opportunity to handle my agenda skillfully, and take care of myself well? How do I best take care of me, and meet my needs over time?

Beginnings aren’t always easy. My results vary.

Yesterday, when I left the house for my planned activities, I felt purposeful and calm. When I later went to an interview, I felt eager, and a little anxious. When I returned home, I felt accomplished, productive, and ready to be at leisure for the day. I made my list then, while the things I’d need to do today were in my thoughts and fairly organized. It felt good. Natural. Comfortable. The list made sense. This morning, I haven’t even actually reviewed my list – it is still so early that there is no point (nothing on that list needs to be started before 8 am, and some of the things on that list can’t be started before 9 am); I’m not even awake yet. The awareness of the existence of the list is enough to find my consciousness shying away from all responsibility entirely – for the day. Wow. That’s clearly an over-reaction. 🙂 I am pretty sure I can safely adult more than that. lol I’ll get to it. Coffee first. 🙂

Most of my days begin with coffee. Your routine may vary. 🙂

Dueling elements of my nature keep me pre-occupied this morning. I was over taken by artistic inspiration late yesterday afternoon (after my interview) and the idea lingers in my thoughts, stealing my focus from anything less emotionally engaging. The excitement of feeling so inspired competes with the subtle tension of maintaining professional readiness of another sort, in the background, alert for call backs, interviews, calendared events relevant to job searching…and that inner conflict erupted late last evening as yet another wave of inspiration. Ideas colliding with notions, competing for attention with practical matters… all facing off with the awareness of a sort of alternate reality within reach, made up of favorite cartoons, YouTube content, and hours hanging out with friends – in lieu of all that other practical ‘adult’ stuff. Right now? This morning? First things first – I’ve got to sort out who I am, where I’m going, what my needs are, how my goals fit in with those, how my opportunities and choices are affected by my values… and what I want to be when I grow up. Right after that? Everything else.

That’s a lot of details to sort out in one morning…

It’s not going to be that easy, today, is it? 😉 (Hint: mostly none of it is, in a practical sense, approximately ever that easy.) I’m so fucking glad I no longer put the full weight of solving every damned thing on my shoulders each day! It’s too much to carry, long-term.

It’s okay to put some of that down, for now.

I sip my coffee. Listen to bird song. I commit to being; it’s an excellent starting point for most things. 🙂 I think over conversations and connections lingering in my memory, most from very recent days. I take time to savor the insights and understandings I’ve gained. I consider meaning, context, value – and realize that now, instead of being caught up in all things future (goals, plans, lists of tasks) I am now tangled up in the past. The past is not ‘now’, any more than the future is.

Like dandelion fluff, the past lacks substance, but can be a little distracting. 🙂

I sip my coffee. Listen to bird song. Smile at the wildflowers blooming beyond the window. Breathe the cool morning. I notice cold toes and fingers. I notice cold coffee. I notice slouching and sit taller, straighter, more comfortably. There is time for now. Failing to take that time generally results in feeling overwhelmed, rushed, less prepared, more aggravated – and definitely less willing to ‘stay the course’ when there is work to be done. 🙂 [Your results may vary.]

Not so very wild – still flowers. 🙂

This morning I feel a bit like a cat on a leash. Have you ever tried it? Putting a cat – a grown cat – on a leash? One that’s never been leash trained, specifically? Oh, the hilarity! Yep – and that’s me, this morning, a human ‘cat on a leash’ – and that leash is adulthood. lol Hell, I’m sitting here with a mostly empty cup of very cold coffee, still in sleepwear, barefooted, hair unbrushed, knowing damned well I have things to do today! My mind veers away from all of it – even the artistic inspiration – although I don’t feel down, or upset, or in any sort of distress or ill-health, or tired. But… There’s no one here but me to put that damned leash on, and get me to go on with the day. I’ll have to take care of that, myself. (I don’t want to!)

… And listen deeply, even to your own heart.

With a last swallow of cold coffee, I pull myself out of the chronic slouch that routinely plagues my already messed up back, again. I take some deep breaths of cool morning air, and let the past fall away – and the future too. It’s not even 8 am, the day barely begun, and there’s no reason to be so hard on myself while I wake and start the day. Seriously? ‘Now’ is a nice moment, today [any day], worthy of time and attention. Worthy of embracing without rushing. Worthy of presence. ‘Now’ needn’t compete with that very complete ‘to do’ list at all, its time is not now, as it is. I allow myself the power of my choices, and commit to simply being for some little while – no really, put down that god damned list [and even the thought of it] for a few more minutes! – and enjoy these precious moments of stillness and simple beauty. There’s time to be quite productive and busy a bit later, I promise myself. Hours yet to come.

It’s not just okay to take time for ‘now’ – there is real value in this moment; overlooking it is a major source of stress.

Today is a good day to take the time. Today is a good day to choose. Today is a good day for being and for becoming – and for recognizing our journey doesn’t always take the path we’ve planned. Today is a good day to acknowledge that I am the cat, the leash, and the person holding the leash – and I am all those things now. 🙂

Tags a very human experience, ACT, go you!, making a list, MBSR, mindfulness matters, mindfulness takes practice, my agenda is clear, no assumptions no expectations, one beginning at a time, practicing the practices, putting down some of the baggage, putting my needs on my agenda, taking care of me, taking steps, walking my own path, we've all got baggage, what are you practicing?

Categories Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer, The Art of Being, Words

Relaxed and Hopeful

Share this:

No Convenient Title

Share this:

At Odds With Myself

Share this:

Archives