Archives for posts with tag: TBI

You still here? Me, too. 🙂 I needed to take a couple days to shore up my emotional reserves, to take care of my very human heart, to reach out to friends and connect, share, and build.

What an ugly bridge-burning election year it has been. Some of my relationships won’t recover; I don’t maintain relationships with people who mistreat me, these days, and where the heated rhetoric finally crossed my boundaries and became abusive, cruel, mocking, or emotional mistreatment, I have chosen to take care of myself, stay true to my values, and ended those relationships. Yes, even with family members. No one gets a pass on abusive behavior. Tolerating abuse is how so many of us get so fucking wounded in the first place.

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day. I could have written something… I could have re-posted something I’d written before. I didn’t feel moved to do either. I didn’t much want to think about war. I didn’t go out at all. I honestly didn’t want to risk having to be thanked by some well-meaning clueless citizen this year, thanking me for my service with absolutely no understanding whatsoever of what exactly they are thanking me for, and no understanding what their “thanks” has cost me (and so many others). Most people just don’t know, don’t care to know, wouldn’t get it if I tried to tell them – and their thanks is a hollow platitude at best, even when entirely well-intended and heartfelt; many of them won’t follow-up in the polls, with their representatives, with their dollars  – or even with their basic decency, day-to-day. (If you’re bitching about the homeless panhandling in your neighborhood, and taking no productive steps to assist and support those human beings, you may as well stop thanking veterans at all, just saying.) Yesterday, I did what I could so that the only thanks I was exposed to was from my brothers and sisters at arms, and those few others who have looked into the face of war, and actually understand.  The rest? Deserves to be heard by someone who will value the sentiment.

Each morning I begin again. Each morning it is easier, and I feel more settled, more resolved to continue to steadily pursue change, more committed to being the woman I most want to be. Incremental change over time; we become what we practice. I don’t practice hate. I practice treating myself and others well. I practice speaking up about my boundaries clearly, simply, and without compromising my values. I practice intervening when I see others being mistreated.

My meditation practice has continued to serve me well. Just the simplest practice of sitting quietly, breathing comfortably, and letting my thoughts come and go without criticism, evaluation, or attachment, provides welcome relief from becoming emotionally spun up on some new bit of social upheaval. Yesterday, I spent hours apprenticed to a master…

I invited a squirrel to visit. She hung around all day, and shared her wisdom.

I invited a squirrel to visit. She hung around all day, and shared her wisdom.

Funny how little stress there is, even in the most terrifying world events, when I remain engaged and present in this moment, now. I spent the day practicing. Meditating. (Taking pictures of my visitor.) I chose my entertainment with care. I began making holiday cards for the upcoming Yule holiday. Life goes on – it has to, or what’s the point? Living my life still has to be part of living my life, right? These moments, here, spent engaged and present, rather than fractured and distracted by the media, by advertising, by life’s busy agenda elsewhere, these moments here are the ones that matter most. Remember to take time to enjoy yours. 🙂

She doesn't spend much time on Facebook, and doesn't read the news.

She doesn’t spend much time on Facebook, and doesn’t read the news.

Today is a good day to be awake, aware, and present in the only moment that really matters; now. I think I’ll go do that… Today is a good day for brunch. 😉

 

Let’s not talk about the election. Please just be your best self today, when you go to the polls to make your choice (if you happen to be a voting citizen in the United States). We’ll see what comes of it tomorrow.

This morning I am not dealing with petty bullshit or drama, and that feels good. It can be a difficult choice to make, and reinforcing boundaries about something so commonplace as “drama” can be met with a lot of resistance if friends and loved ones are used to hijacking other lives with their poison. We’re each having our own experience. My idea of drama may be the circumstances you are mired in, needing emotional support. My lack of interest in drama is not expressed as “no one has time for your feelings”, day-to-day, it’s more about making a point not to continuously rehash the same moment of conversation or pain, past any point of gaining understanding or perspective. There comes a time to let it go, or make a choice to handle things quite differently. Turmoil sucks.

I recently had to set boundaries with a friend who made a point of angrily slamming my door during a stressful moment with her partner; that’s the drama I’m not having. Don’t slam my damned door. Non-negotiable. Door-slamming and yelling stress me out, and have no practical value whatsoever. Use your words. Setting the boundary was easy, facing her defensiveness and resistance to hearing that she’s violated a personal boundary of mine was unpleasant nonetheless. I expected an apology, and got an angry resentful reply instead. Rather than allow that to escalate, I let it go. I will continue to reinforce that boundary. If the undesirable behavior continues, I may choose not to have that friend back into my space. I like it to be quite calm and safe-feeling here.

I enjoyed a fun evening with my traveling partner last night, although somewhat unexpectedly. Only somewhat; the quantity of drama in his everyday experience in another relationship is so ludicrous, from my own perspective it hardly seems endurable – I know to expect the unexpected in my own experience, as a consequence. Last night we let all that go, even the stress and doubt and hurt feelings and anger, we let it all go and just enjoyed each other. The evenings are short. It’s a far better choice than becoming swamped in negative emotion, chaos, and bullshit during the limited precious time we have together. We talked about the future. We enjoyed the present. We got some sleep.

Embrace a peaceful moment. Breathe. Repeat.

Embrace a peaceful moment. Breathe. Repeat.

It’s a new day. Today is a good one to begin again. Today is a good day to right our wrongs. Today is a good day to consider what we are doing (about, with, and to each other) with more care than we did yesterday. Today is a good day to have a serene heart and to choose love. Today is a good day for choices that change the world.

This morning I woke groggy, very groggy, to the sound of a train, or perhaps two passing each other, blasting the horn(s) for what seemed a rather long time. It went on and on, from some distance before the stretch of track nearest where I live, and for some distance farther along. I’m not sure what required such aggressive use of the horn in the wee hours (3:22 am). I was not able to go back to sleep.

Up early… and nothing to say. My brain still isn’t fully awake, more than an hour later. The day after daylight savings time begins or ends – and a day or two more – are hard. The timing on my medications is all wrong, and my sleep/wake cycle is now not even close to when my clock says it should be. Twice a year the pointless disruption aggravates me. I’m not bitching, just making the observation.

I sip my coffee. Think my thoughts. This morning seems a good one to meditate, and to chill. Tomorrow… yeah. It seems fairly foolish to also put the end of daylight savings time so close to an emotionally volatile (for so many people) election. We often put ourselves (and each other) at a disadvantage when it comes to our emotional experience by behaving as though emotions can be simply disregarded in our planning and our actions. Our choices might be different as individuals (and as a culture) if we placed value on emotional intelligence, and sought balance between emotion and reason as a necessary thing. Still not bitching – it’s an observation.

A basic morning.

A basic morning.

Today is a good morning to sip my coffee and be kind to myself; it may be hours before I feel awake. Today is a good morning to be aware of the stress the upcoming election is causing so many people, and to let go of that stress, myself. Today is good one to walk my own path, find my own way, and make the choices that best support my needs over time. Today is a good day, too, for a second cup of coffee. 😀

Daylight Savings Time is pointless and it sucks. Moving right along…

Yesterday's dawn

Yesterday’s dawn broke through the gray sky before rain took over the day.

I started this morning early, restlessly trying to sleep later, having forgotten about daylight savings time, and not really understanding the lie my clock was telling me; I’d already reset it, and struggled to understand why I was so awake, seemingly “so early”. I got up and stumbled around groggily for a few minutes. Tried to go back to sleep, figuring… Sunday, groggy, that could mean more sleep… Nope. I got back up minutes later, once it was clear my monkey mind was up for the day. lol Coffee and music began my solitary morning. No heartache there, I’m just aware I am alone, after two lovely mornings shared with my traveling partner.

Autumn is a good season for choosing joy.

Autumn is a good season for choosing joy.

I scrolled through my Facebook feed rather mindlessly, skipping over the provocative bullshit propaganda memes and political posts; it is too early for any of that. I smile at family photos as I scroll past them, too. It is too early for anything but smiles and sipping coffee. I’m looking for things to enjoy, simply that.

Neither savage downpours, nor depressing drizzles can stop us embracing joy.

Neither savage downpours, nor depressing drizzle can stop us embracing joy.

My traveling partner is enjoying his creative side this year, and I am quickly distracted by the recollection of shared joy, and hours recently spent listening to music together. I move on from Facebook to the vast available information of the internet, looking for favorite booming bass lines to share with him. I feel content, and wrapped in joy.

Inspiration and joy

Embracing inspiration, connecting, sharing – and finding joy.

Joy. It’s a lovely feeling to pause for, to really appreciate – it can be fleeting. That’s okay, too; change is. Those fleeting moments can be savored, and the time I take to really appreciate the experience of joy (whether during, or after the fact) not only holds the potential to improve my implicit emotional biases, generally, but also to improve my capacity to feel joy in the first place. quite specifically. Nice. It’s a powerful practice to take time to savor moments of joy – and it feels super good. 😀

What moments of joy will I find along the way today?

What moments of joy will I find along the way today?

The night sky begins to lighten, hinting at a gray dawn to come. There’s an entire day potentially filled with joy ahead of me. Sounds lovely, even if the joy I am filling my day with is the recollection of past joy; joy is one of life’s great delights. It can be so easy to overlook joy, simple joy, great joy, subtle joy, easy joy, hard-won joy, fragile fleeing joy on a difficult day, childlike unexpected joy, joy as a moment or as a state of being; even joy has variety. Loneliness and heartbreak (or even ennui, boredom, or irritation) don’t withstand being immersed in joy. I make my choice joy, when I think to. 🙂

Search all the books that matter most to you, there are still verbs involved. :-)

Search all the books that matter most to you, there are still verbs involved. 🙂

Today, I choose joy. It’s a lovely day for it, however gray the sky overhead. 🙂 My results may vary, but I can also choose to begin again, any time. 🙂

I woke with a smile an hour ahead of my alarm. It’s a calm quiet morning. It’s more than enough, in all the best ways. I sip my coffee, smiling still, very much aware of my good fortune in this lovely moment.

I saw my therapist yesterday. It’s been a long while, and the visit had its own flow, its own unique vibe, familiar, intimate, comfortably supportive, safe enough to reach into the darkest pit of anxiety, fear, or damage, and come through the experience still whole and with my sense of self intact. I arrived home to enjoy the evening with my traveling partner. It was a lovely fun evening, and we shared some of that with friends.

Only one thing marred an exquisitely lovely evening of fun among friends; drama. OPD (Other People’s Drama). Close friends, in a quiet moment, began an obviously stressful conversation about personal finances. I did my best to give them some privacy and overlooked it as things started to escalate emotionally. My place is a “drama free zone” by choice and by design; once things began to escalate, I attempted to communicate a boundary, first by gently working to change the conversation. I was not effective. They continued to have their moment. Although we had planned to have dinner together, one partner stormed off all door-slamming-ly to deal with things elsewhere, leaving the other rather morosely working to deal with it from the vantage point of my dining room table, staring into a personal device, exchanging messages at length. Who hasn’t been there?

It's hard to unsay the words.

It’s hard to unsay the words.

In spite of my sympathy, and my compassion, my own self-care is a higher priority than OPD, and the house rules include such things as “don’t slam the door, or the cupboards, or – yeah, actually don’t slam shit”, and “don’t yell”. These are non-negotiable. Says who? Um… me. My house, my rules, my way. The eventual return of the partner who stormed off was accompanied by an air of “who me? nothing happened with me, why?”, and followed by an abrupt departure by the pair, headed for other things – and no apology for the drama. My final attempt to communicate a reminder to the door-slamming friend that my home is a drama free zone was met with a weirdly childish defensiveness, as though it were more important to assign blame than to be accountable for ones actions and show some consideration for my space, and my boundaries. It was uncomfortable. That discomfort lingers. I’m not yet certain how I’ll deal with the whole mess once I have a chance to process it.

I set that aside and return to the morning, here, now, this lovely quiet morning. Last night was unexpected and delightful – what does tonight hold? There’s nothing on my calendar for the weekend, and a quiet weekend at home sounds really good. I laugh about that, reminded that last night’s great joy was built on a foundation of music, laughter, and boisterous good times. It was not quiet here last night. I think about my traveling partner, and smile. I am well-loved indeed. Finding that comfortable balance between planned and spontaneous, boisterous and chill, rules and anarchy, boundaries and the things that lay beyond them is all part of the journey, I suppose.

Love matters most.

Love matters most.

What a lovely morning to begin again.