Archives for posts with tag: the map is not the world

Some Days Are Easy

October 18, 2019 //

Funniest thing about “easy” days for me; they’re not really different, in most respects, from “hard days”. Oh sure, maybe some different circumstances, and definitely a different “feel” to them, but often the routine details are quite similar to any other day, and all the days have the same number of hours, begin and end with a point in time, and require quite a lot of the same work, using the same assortment of verbs. So… what makes today so “easy”? Well… for starters, it’s only just now a few minutes before 6:00 am… so… truly it’s a bit early to make a judgment call about whether the day is difficult or easy, isn’t it? Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. LOL

Actually, any number of small choices may make this day as easy as the morning has been. 🙂 Aaaannnd… my Traveling Partner is back home and in my arms today! Well… almost today. Tonight. Likely shortly after midnight, so… almost tomorrow. lol By itself, his homecoming puts a shine on a day that it might otherwise lack. 😀

Other things add to the experience of ease. I kind of slept in, waking a short time ago to some random noise that was not my alarm clock. I took today off, specifically to avoid being exhausted or out of sorts when my partner gets home; I may nap in the afternoon, so that I can more easily stay up late enough to enjoy his homecoming. Small things make a big difference sometimes, too; I’ve kept the house tidy and cared for, so there need not be any sort of “I want to impress you” scramble to do housework at the last minute. (Good use of time and verbs by maintaining my space tidily – I do enjoy order and tidiness. lol) So, yeah, today already feels easy. It’s even a pay day, and I’m home, and I can take care of a few things in a relaxed way, and have more weekend time to spend with my partner, too!

Yep. Easy day. It’s a feeling. 🙂

I smile at my “to do list” – it’s short. Regular pay day sorts of things, and a short grocery list. I add “gas up the Mazda” to my list, and “sweaters?”. I double-check the grocery list and make sure that my Traveling Partner comes home to a well-stocked pantry; our tastes differ somewhat, and I enjoy taking a moment to consider his preferences.

Omg! He’s really home today! My enthusiasm for his homecoming is adoring – and potentially excessive. lol I laugh at myself out loud in the stillness of early morning, and sip my coffee, grinning. I know by the time he actually arrives, I’ll have burned through some of this energy working down my short list, and maybe, later, taking time out of the day for a lovely walk, if the weather is not rainy. (Maybe even if it is – it’s not really “about” that. lol)

I look around the house, adding a couple small tasks to my list, as I continue to sip my coffee. My face hurts from smiling, and noticing, I wonder if I had been smiling in my sleep, too. lol I feel rested and merry. Damn… Wednesday could have used some of this merriment!

My last sip of coffee is… sipless. Shit. Coffee is gone. Literally gone, too, in the sense that I used the last of the coffee beans just this morning. I guess that will fuel the start of my day in earnest, because I definitely want another cup of coffee! I will have to begin the day, and start working the list, to get there… I’m not bitching, though, I mean… I don’t have to cultivate the land, grow the coffee plant, harvest and clean the beans, roast them… I can just “swing by the store for some coffee, be right back”, and my own simple needs are met. 😀 Although… 6:14 am feels just a bit early for grocery shopping. lol Plenty of time for other moments, and other verbs – and more smiling. 😀

I smile before I write it…

It’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, love, love and lovers, meditation, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Routine and Ordinary

October 15, 2019 //

So far today is off to an entirely routine and ordinary start. I’m okay with that. I woke to the alarm (even still a bit groggy, and my dreams still linger in my memory), showered, dressed, made coffee. Here I am, now, sipping coffee, writing. A few minutes further on, and I’ll be headed to the office, after locking up the house. Very routine. Very ordinary.

My coffee is good this morning. I make appreciating it an explicit moment of delight, and I savor it. (Both the coffee, and the delight.) I make time to observe that I’m not in much pain this morning, and that my range of motion, and freedom of movement seem pretty good. I make a point of appreciating that, too. (No point in starting the morning bitching about the ordinary-ness of pain or of arthritis.) I turn stray moments of potentially bitching about the uncontrollable or everyday into moments of authentic gratitude; hard to be pissed off while also feeling grateful, and truly, most things I could find to bitch about could be far worse than they are. 🙂

My Traveling Partner returns home Friday. I’m eager to see him. This lovely bit of solo time has been enjoyable, and I’m ready to be over missing my partner. lol I feel excited about it, as if there is “much to discuss”, but I don’t honestly have more to say than “welcome home” and “I love you”. 🙂

Time keeps passing. Season 4 of Rick & Morty starts next month – almost here! Autumn has come, and the leaves are colorful – and falling. There are a multitude of small events, mileposts on life’s journey, that mark my path. Right now, the one I am most focused on is the return of my Traveling Partner. 😀 I find myself wondering if I should prepare in some explicit way… stock up on groceries so we don’t have to go anywhere over the weekend, maybe? I don’t know. It’s likely enough to be here, welcoming him home. Enough to have this lovely home to offer. Enough to be present, authentic, and genuinely loving. Only 4 work shifts between now, and his return, too… 3 nights… I mean, I’m not counting down the hours, exactly… but… about 90? Hours, I mean. lol

I take a deep breath, relax, exhale, and let go of any expectations I may be developing, any assumptions about his homecoming I may be inclined to make, in favor of being here, now. It’s a better choice. 😀 I sip my coffee, smiling. It’ll be nice to have my partner home again.

I sip my coffee, thinking about autumn. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season. Smiling. It’s enough, isn’t it, to feel suffused with joy and contentment? I think so. Finding further point to mere existence from this vantage point of contentment and gratitude and joy, seems a waste of effort. It’s that much of “enough”, as it is, and already a lovely starting point for beginning again. I sip my coffee, and finish the last bit of it more as a gulp, unintended, than as a careful swallow. Here’s hoping for a day of “effortless effort” and ease in the work day, and an evening of contentment. 😀 One day closer to the milestone directly ahead on the path, but I know there’s another beyond that, and another, and another still… each a chance to move forward, to grow, to live more fully, and begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose love, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, how to love, I am my own cartographer, love matters most, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Bitter Coffee, Better Rest

October 13, 2019 //

There’s no actual connection between this morning’s rather bitter cup of coffee and the much improved rest I’ve been getting. The coffee, likely bitter because the water was still hotter than ideal when I made it, is a simple, practical failure of process. I’ll still drink it. It’s still coffee. The improved rest? A by product of circumstance and self-care; I took a few days off, which I am still enjoying, and I turned off my alarm clock. I sleep when I like, as long as I like, until I wake naturally. The first night, there was no significant change in my sleep. Since then, I’ve been sleeping long enough hours to fully benefit from the (still) lighter sleep I’ve been getting.

Recognizing that the rest I’ve been needing is only partially about sleep, and definitely also about “cognitive fatigue”, I’ve spent hours relaxed, sitting quietly, meditating, watching the autumn leaves fall, watching rain storms pass by, watching squirrels come for a bite to eat at my deck garden. What I have not been doing is watching a ton of video content, or even reading books for hours. Most of my time is spent entirely quietly and at ease, listening to myself think. lol

A few quiet moments all for me. 🙂

Taking this time for myself has been so worth it. Could I have spent it “more productively”? Sure, but what would I be good for if I had not taken this time for myself? As it is, I still get things done… dishes get done… trash goes out… laundry gets folded and put away… the routine matters of caring for home and hearth are handled. The rest of the time is mine to do with as I please… or do nothing that appears to be anything at all. lol I choose the doing nothing, at least this weekend, this time; it’s what I need to restore my wellness right now. 🙂 No one to talk to? Yep, and that’s precisely okay. 😉

…I do miss my Traveling Partner. The fact that he is away for days and days does have lonely moments. On the other hand, I adore him so terrifically, that when he is here at home with me, I sometimes lose myself in the day-to-day pleasures of his company, and forget entirely about getting enough rest – or getting anything done. LOL It’s a puzzle. I am so grateful to love and be loved in return. I am more grateful still that his love is so deep and enduring that even my silences and solitudes can be included within his affection for me, and not perceived as any loss of affection for him. 😀

This is such a terrible cup of coffee, right here. LOL It is, however, a good life, and one terrible cup of coffee among so many isn’t worth being a source of torment or discontent. A lot of things work that way; terrible in some moment, but considered in context, not that big a deal. I find it helpful to let small things stay small. I take a glance around the room as I finish my coffee. Sleeping in was lovely, and I also have tomorrow off… on the other hand, Sunday is also my “regular day” for weekly chores, and general housekeeping, and I’m inclined to begin returning to routine matters (I feel that much more rested, that I keep finding myself un-anchored from what day it is, and have to keep checking – it’s feels so much longer a time than a couple of days, now. lol)

Sundays are a good day for new beginnings, and fresh starts. 🙂

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Some Time, Space, and Quiet

October 11, 2019 //

I didn’t sit down to write until nearly 9:30 am, after a leisurely shower, and close to 12 hours of sleep. Rare for me. (I didn’t sleep continuously through the night; I woke up twice to pee. lol) When I woke, I was unsure of the day, and considered just going back to bed…

…but, there’s an entire day, and a long weekend, ahead of me to enjoy this brief solitary time, a few days with the house to myself, and a lot of quiet (some of it quite lonely). So, I stayed up, showered, put on clean clothes, and finally started hot water for coffee. Oh, hey, I hear the click of the electric kettle just now… be right back!

A ‘coffee flower’ – each as unique as any other flower. I enjoy their brief existence, blossoming as I make my coffee, gone in an instant.

The heat comes on just as I return with my coffee. The 72 degrees that felt so chilly at the end of the evening, last night, feels almost stifling this morning. I turn the temperature down to 60; I won’t yearn for the comfort and warmth of a warmer room until later in the day. Hell… how much of the day will I even spend right here? It’s a chilly autumn morning, fiercely windy, and it might be nice to get a decently long walk in today. The thought puts a smile on my face at the same time that a tear streaks down my cheek. I think of my Granny, and walks we took together on autumn days. South Mountain, Pennsylvania… Cambridge, Maryland… Grants Pass, Oregon… thoughts and places roll past like a slide show. The tears fall softly. Honest tears of sorrow or regret, tears of heartfelt loss, these don’t trouble me at all, they are only more love than my heart can contain – and no one to share it with (right now). I’m okay. She was a splendid strong woman of great character, flawed, human, and of tremendous heart, and I miss her in this autumn moment, considering a walk that, once upon a time, we could have taken together. 🙂

I sip my coffee, comforted by the ordinary routine. I listen to the traffic beyond the studio window. Last night I felt very motivated to paint through the weekend. Just now, though? I am filled with eagerness to tidy up, to create order from chaos, to check off tasks from my list, and to do those things while keeping half an eye on the autumn leaves falling to the deck beyond the glass door, watching for squirrels. It’s that time again; the colder weather, the autumn breezes, I’ll begin putting nuts out for the squirrels and chipmunks, and suet for the birds. 🙂

My thoughts drift to my Traveling Partner and his adventures, and I hope he is doing well. I’m eager to see him when he returns home. I miss him greatly.

I had also definitely missed this solitude, and I had failed hard at the self-care skills needed to ensure I managed to get the quiet time I routinely need, or to seek, or create, the stillness I need to maintain my most chill and contented self. I smile, and forgive myself for my obvious limitations. lol I will continue to practice. Keep working at it. Keep learning and growing. Keep speaking up when the need becomes too great. Keep communicating my needs in an open, honest, and gentle way. All the things. There’s a lot. If I try to write down all the tiny very fine details of “how to” care for oneself very skillfully, from the perspective of what I understand, myself, it would be such a long detailed list that it would almost certainly appear ludicrous to even contemplate! In practice, though, it’s just practice. Do a thing. It worked? Repeat that. It worked again? Pretty reliable. Try it a few times more. Still working? Awesome; now practice until it is quite natural, almost effortless, and it has become part of “who you are”. 🙂 Add another thing. Repeat the process. Simple enough. Stop doing what doesn’t support your emotional well-being and general good health and contentment. (That’s surprisingly a bit harder, and may take more practice.)

I sit sipping my coffee, barefooted, in my studio, with four lovely relaxed days ahead, suitable for my leisure needs. I have not decided what, specifically, to do with them (besides sleeping, showering, and sipping coffee – those I guess I can count on). I listen to the traffic, loud beyond the window. There are dishes to do. Things to put away. A container garden on the deck to “winterize”. There is this heart full of paintings with which to shout what I don’t have the words to whisper. I am hovering in that place of indecision, without urgency. There are no “wrong answers”, only an opportunity to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, Cambridge, choose wisely, communicate, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, Grants Pass, I am my own cartographer, love, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, much needed solitude, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, self-care skill building, South Mountain, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice

Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, inspiration, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

I Had a Cooler Title for This…

October 9, 2019 //

I had reached literal weeks of short nights, busy days, crowded thoughts… waking too groggy to write, crashing out at the end of each day hoping to sleep through to morning… but… not. Every conversation was seeming to interrupt a thought, or cause me to feel as if I had just then forgotten something I needed to remember. My “brain buffer” was full to over-flowing, but I wasn’t getting the rest I needed to properly push new information into long-term memory. I felt chronically foggy, and perpetually frustrated, unable to “hear my own thoughts”. Days slipped by, and I wasn’t even thinking about writing… I definitely wasn’t sitting down to do it, regularly. Even personal correspondence stalled.

The morning my Traveling Partner got ready to go to the airport (was that yesterday?), he observed with a questioning tone, “you haven’t been writing in your blog…?” I had an awareness he was correct, but a lack of perspective on how long it had been… nearly a week. Wow. Rare. I mumbled something to myself about fatigue and made an empty promise about doing…something. I grabbed another hour of sleep after he left… after I stood in the kitchen window, bare feet cold on the kitchen floor, watching as the car service pulled out of the driveway. I woke still so groggy. Unrested. I careened around the house for some minutes, getting dressed, getting my backpack ready for the day, finding my car keys (mysteriously on the hook next to the hook I usually put them on, a search that should not have required 10 minutes of my time). I went to work.

I was so stupid with exhaustion that I was not particularly effective. I got done what urgently had to be done, and I went home. To sleep? I hoped… to rest, at least.

…The house was so… empty. I’ve grown quite accustomed to the delight of my Love being present every day. Hugs, kisses, jokes… things getting done, even when I’m not at home. Sex. Warmth. Intimacy. Shared joy. Shared effort. A shared journey. I looked around, disoriented by fatigue. I already didn’t recall the drive home, at all. So tired. I “sat down for a minute” on the couch and answered a text from my Traveling Partner. I took a breath, exhaled, relaxed… and flipped on YouTube, and put on a sort of random video playlist of favorite content creators’ latest stuff…

…I woke to the sound of my partner’s voice, and tried earnestly to reply – I was unable to do so, which is what woke me, that and the recognition that I was hearing, not his voice, just the phone ringing – but he was calling, and I smiled as I answered the phone. A few minutes of conversation, and connection, and then… no idea. I may have watched a couple more videos. I woke later, from napping, and went to bed. So many hours later, and finally I wake to the alarm (which I’m doubly glad I set, yesterday), although I woke from dreaming that I had already awakened ahead of the alarm. lol.

I shower, dress, and make coffee, smiling. I feel rested. I feel as though I can assemble thoughts into sentences and possibly communicate with others clearly and sound, you know, fairly rational. 🙂 I glance around the room and beyond the open studio door – plenty to do. I feel rested enough to tackle it. I didn’t stumble or wander into the wall even once this morning, and my eye-balls don’t feel like I’ve recently tried to splash sand into them. I feel rested. Pleasant. 😀

Sooo…. yeah. I’m fine. I am regretful of any worry I may have caused you. I’m not “gone”, or suddenly silenced by some grim pit of despair. I was only unable to overcome the ennui of being deeply fatigued, and needed to yield to the necessity of taking care of this fragile vessel. 🙂

…Now it’s time to begin again. 😉

Tags be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, exhaustion, experience, good self-care, mindful living, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Some Days Are Easy

Share this:

Routine and Ordinary

Share this:

Bitter Coffee, Better Rest

Share this:

Some Time, Space, and Quiet

Share this:

I Had a Cooler Title for This…

Share this:

Archives