Archives for the month of: July, 2017
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Bags, Baggage, Things, and Stuff

July 16, 2017 //
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I’m mostly moved out of my old apartment.  Hell, for that matter, I’m mostly moved in to the new house, thanks to the coordinated help of friends, and professional movers, and the bonus that is being able to afford to take time off to manage it. Nothing precious to me got broken, and the only box that got dropped was in my own hands when it fell, hit the sidewalk in front of the new house, and spilled its contents from the split-wide-open box into the driveway. It was a macht nichts moment; just this-n-that from the bathroom cupboards. No harm done. I did manage to startled the professional movers, though. lol I’m tired. Still tired. There’s more to do, of course, mostly of the moving in and getting settled variety. Exciting and fun and… I’m still tired. LOL My ankle gave me far more grief than my back ever did, and by Friday I was back on my cane, and had worn out my ankle brace beyond repair. More than once, I made a point to pause, rest, and give myself a moment to recover some little amount, before continuing. There is still more to do.

I’m eager to see my Traveling Partner again, and welcome him to this new, different, lovely space. My deck is big – huge in comparison to small apartment patios – and there is water right there, making caring for my garden easier than it has been for me since… 1995. There is so much excitement in this process now! I feel that release of tension as sleepiness, more often than I’d like. I smile and remind myself that fatigue is a shout out for rest and ease. I gotta remember to do that, too.

The view from my bed, feet up, taking it easy for a few minutes between tasks on moving day.

I double-check my list of things to do and tenderly add “take care of me”. Soon enough the work day will end, and I will head to the apartment to tidy up, and remove anything left behind from 4 days of moving. There are definitely more verbs involved…

 

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Categories Epsom salts, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Another Day, More Moving

July 13, 2017 //
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This is probably my last blog post until after the FiOS is connected at the new place. Although I can write a post from my phone, I generally find it more difficult, and that increased difficulty affects the flow of my thoughts and how easily I put them in rows of words between capital letters and periods. lol So… a break in the writing, probably until Sunday morning, before I head to work on a very new commute. 😀

Getting the keys was exciting. The landlord was there waiting for me. The house is adorable, incredibly clean inside and out, and the environment seems to suit me. I sat for a few moments getting the feel of it, measured rooms and spaces more carefully. Accepted small details that “aren’t perfect” while also understanding that “perfect” isn’t a real thing in the first place, and sufficiency is, by definition, enough. I get comfortable with the simple truth that in spite of the spaciousness of the master bedroom, the king size bed will fit in only one location, only one orientation… and it isn’t where I actually want it. It’s the sort of small detail that could once sending me spinning, or to which I might once have reacted by resentfully insisting on placing the bed differently, in spite of poor fit, awkwardness, or reduced livability…just to make a point about agency.

The living room puzzles me when I consider the bookshelves, the stereo, and the placement of the sliding glass door to the deck, the fireplace, and the connecting dining room space. What seemed obvious at first glance requires more careful thought; where does everything go? It’s not about “feng shui” unless by that I am meaning to suggest that I am seeking the most natural (to me) comfortable (for me) placement of things and objects. In which case, it is; the less I have to struggle with figuring out the layout, or struggling to overcome placement that later “doesn’t make sense” and requires repetition and memorization, the more comfortable I will be long-term.

What about the aquarium?

After some discussion with my Traveling Partner, the second bedroom becomes a creative space, by intent, that can be a guest space when needed. I’ll get to test that concept too soon; I already have a guest. LOL

Everything has to move. Even my routines, and all my practices. 

It’ll be a busy few days. I still make a point to start the morning with meditation. I’ll end each day that way. I’ll be careful to drink enough water, and to manage meal timing, nutritional content, and calories. Exercise is pretty well-built into the activities of the next few days. lol Fatigue hasn’t gotten to me yet, but wear and tear on my busted up ankle halted my moving efforts yesterday; it just needed rest, so I stopped for the day and rested it. Skillful adulting right there! I make a point to observe it, to appreciate myself for taking good care of this fragile vessel, and to notice that it made a difference; this morning the ankle doesn’t hurt. 😀

It’s time to begin again. See you on the other side, writing from a new location. Please take the very best care of  you while I am away – I’ll miss you while I’m gone. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer, The Art of Being

Moving Day, Again

July 12, 2017 //
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I dislike moving. It’s true. I mean, I’m eager, today, and excited about the new place, but… generally speaking, I dislike moving, and I’d like very much not to have to do so again. I am aware that I have at least one more move awaiting me regardless; this is another rental. 🙂

I got out of the Army hoping to settle and not move again. You know, put down roots in a community of friendly neighbors, build a life, that sort of thing. That was… 25 years ago. That was… 3 long-term relationships ago. That was… 10 moves ago. 10 moves. That’s including one address at which I lingered for 13 years; all the other moves lack a significant time commitment to a single address. I’m tired of moving. Since 2010, when I moved out of the only address in my life that lasted me more than a decade, I’ve moved 5 times. So tired of moving. 54 years of life…31 addresses. So… moving again. Moving with enthusiasm. Moving with considerable planning and preparation. Moving into an address that looks entirely livable and more than sufficient. Moving into a suitably pleasant neighborhood. It is a move that amounts to a quality of life upgrade. I still have to move, and get settled again, and meet new neighbors again, and rebuild my routines again, and learn all the new noises and shadows again. I’d still like to settled down somewhere and not move again. lol

Someday… a place that is really my own…

So here it is, moving day. It’s time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer

What I Was Trying To Say

July 11, 2017 //
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I woke this morning to the alarm. I don’t feel particularly well-rested. I am over-excited about moving, now, distracted and restless with the eagerness of getting to the next point in the journey; keys. Keys to a new place, a new adventure, a new home, a new drama-free zone, a new haven from the world… a place to feel safe, and content, and inspired…just a few hours still out of reach. lol The summer meadow beyond the window already exists as a memory. I inhale the cool pre-dawn breeze, scented with flowers. I listen to a symphony of birdsong and commuter traffic, wondering what the morning will sound like… there. I sip my coffee in the cool stillness of morning, waiting.

Any number of the stray thoughts that have filtered through my consciousness today would be something I could write about…only… I’m pretty focused on this move. Instead I make some notes for later, which I will doubtless overlook using, and in the rare case that I actually do follow-up on one of those ideas, it will become something entirely different than what my notes suggest it might have been becoming. lol Sometimes I am rather irked by that. Today is not that day. Today, I’m merry and mildly distracted, looking forward to a moment that is not now – which has its own risks and limitations. I take a deep breath of cool morning air and let that go for now. (By that, I mean quite literally “in favor of being here, now”.)

So what about today, then? What about now, then? What about being right here, in this moment, in this place? It isn’t new, or exciting, it isn’t “the future”… it’s been a decent place for a while, though, and I have been content here. Much of the time I have felt safe. I’ve often felt happy. It’s been enough – sufficient for the purpose of housing me. I smile thinking about my eagerness when I was moving into this place, as the sun turns the horizon a lovely tangerine shade moments before it will rise into view. There’s been a lot of personal forward momentum since I moved into my own space, and even some adventure. Few regrets. The past couple of weeks have been a slow good-bye, and an opportunity to linger on pleasant recollections, and cherish details that mattered most.

I notice that I’ve shifted from the future to the past. I take a few deep breaths, look out over the meadow, and return to this moment, here.

Tomorrow is filled with plans, events, and moments. The final walk through, keys, and then… a few quiet minutes filling up on the sense of the new place, alone, before returning to this place to load up the car and begin moving things I prefer to handle myself, and other such odds and ends as will make the moving generally easier (trust that indeed a way to make a cup of coffee goes with me in the very first car load! lol). Then…the joy and camaraderie of friends helping when they can, a long time friend arriving late in the day to help over the weekend, the discovery of all the things I thought I moved, hadn’t yet, and realization that there always seems more to do… and… another day of moving things… then the movers come and handle the big, heavy, awkward stuff… then… Certainly the work week (which will begin on Sunday) will come too soon, and although just 3 days in the office are between me and getting fully settled in at the new place over another long weekend, they will likely seem an eternity. lol I know me.

…Then, at long last, there will be that Saturday morning… perhaps even sleeping in… mostly completely moved in… quiet… still… waking gently… sipping coffee on the deck, listening to the birdsong and squirrels rustling in the trees… new pictures to take, new memories to make, new moments to enjoy…

…And I notice, again, that my consciousness has shifted into that future moment. LOL Silly primate, bring that brain back here! Now is where I am… for now. 😀 I begin again. It takes practice. We become what we practice. I smile at the woman in the mirror as the sun climbs above the horizon.

Each time for the first time, each moment the only moment… it sounds easier than it is. I keep practicing.

It’s a very good moment to begin again.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being

Error Message

July 10, 2017 //
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I woke from a deep sleep to some kind of noise…a persistent sound of some sort…a beeping, or chiming, or… and it wasn’t stopping… Oh. My phone was ringing. Only one number rings through my “Do Not Disturb” settings; my Traveling Partner. I quickly lurch from bed and careen through the apartment, stumbling on shit that doesn’t match my mental map of my apartment; there are stacks of boxes everywhere. I reach the phone and answer it, delighted to hear his voice. No emergency, he’s just back in town and wanted to hear my voice. 🙂 It was a short call, and a quick return to sleep…

…only…

Nope. Not sleeping.

…I couldn’t so easily return to sleep.  Just as I was about to drift off my brain decided to attack with a barrage of insecure doubt and anxiety and dread, and oh, just all the things available to keep me laying wakefully for some time. I did eventually return to a restless unsatisfying sleep. Nightmares of loss and loneliness occupied my sleeping mind until the alarm went off.

I woke feeling okay. Feeling thoughtful. Feeling… thought-filled. lol This too will pass. I make a point of reminding myself how pointless rumination is, and that anything of substance that truly needs to be considered will still need to be considered later… after I wake up, after meditation, after my morning coffee, and perhaps even just quite a lot later today – after work. Perspective is helpful. Context matters. Oh, and also – brains make shit up all the damned time. lol My imagination is just as likely to work against me as to delight me. So, I shrug off as much of the weird lingering insecurity, anxiety, and doubt as I am able to, and I push on with the morning.

I have a practice for this one, and although it works, it’s not to be undertaken lightly first thing in the morning by a sleep-addled brain. (I learned that the hard way!) My practice for dealing firmly with insecurity and anxiety is to look my fears in the face without flinching. Seriously – I consider as frankly as I can whatever bundle of fears and bullshit that is freaking me out, and I consider it as if it were simply a given and life is no kidding going to deliver on all of it as if it were a promise. Feeling insecure about my relationship? I consider life without it, no bullshit, no drama – what does that look like? Could I still be okay? What advantages might that bring? Is there a future from that point that may still be quite nice? Does it change who I am? What am I truly afraid of? Is there an opportunity for growth, here? This works for any sort of insecurity, doubt, and anxiety, really. Emotions are powerful. It’s a good idea to choose some moment when it feels truly safe to fully consider my deepest fears. Results vary. Scary, tense, anxious, insecure, doubtful emotions can go sideways so easily, plunging me into real despair… but, all the more reason to learn to face them unafraid of the emotions themselves, and there is so much to learn. They’re still only emotions; getting to know them well, becoming comfortable with emotion, generally, and working to develop a measure of emotional intelligence that supports good quality of life is not only completely achievable, I have found that improving my emotional intelligence improves my interactions with others, too, and sort of “tidies up my thinking”. 🙂

So much of what goes on in our heads is actually completely made up bullshit going on in our heads. 🙂 I am as likely to find my anxiety provoked by things that are delightful, or changes that suit me better than whatever had changed ever could, as I am by things that are legitimately worth being anxious about. Silly primates – given both emotion and reason (which work so nicely together), and yet time and again we keep trying to choose one over the other. lol

I sip my coffee and watch the dawn slowly becoming day. I consider my imminent move. Just two more work shifts before that actually becomes a thing happening in the moment…and one of those work shifts is today. This is happening!! 😀 My conversation with my partner last night opened some opportunities in the context of moving that I hadn’t considered, and although I spent some time wracked with anxiety (because changing plans sometimes causes me anxiety), the opportunities themselves are worth considering fully. Later.

The calm of the morning develops like a Polaroid. I feel settled and secure, and focused on changes that meet my needs over time. I feel content. I feel loved. Fears and doubts fade away as the sky lightens, and anything that lingers to day’s end can be fully considered at some later point, in a comfortable, practical way.

It’s time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, loneliness, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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