Archives for the month of: August, 2022
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Letting It Be What It Is

August 19, 2022 //
2

The morning is very overcast. The meadow is dull and dry looking this morning. I sit with my coffee in the grass, on the compact three-legged camp stool I keep in the car. My camera is set up, but the birds are shy this morning. I sit watching the colorless sunrise, and listening to the noise of my tinnitus and… helicopters? Yep. It’s the air show weekend. No wonder the birds are laying low this morning.

Another sip of coffee. I manage not to fall on my ass as I set the cup down abruptly hoping to quickly get some shots of a small mouse or vole or other small mammal in the grass. I failed to make the adjustments needed quickly enough to get the picture, and subsequently also missed a small yellow bird who decided to stop precisely where my camera had been pointed. Yep. It’s one of those days. lol

I reach for my coffee and knock it over. lol

The air quality seems poor today. It’s warm again this morning, and very muggy. I don’t envy folks attending the airshow; it’s going to be uncomfortably hot before noon. I definitely don’t feel like I am missing anything by not attending. The constant sound of aircraft overhead makes me tense and cross. The heat and humidity leave me feeling irritable and sticky.

There’s nothing on my calendar for today. I had planned to go camping again next week, but the heat discouraged me, and as it turns out I have a final interview with a job I interviewed for this week… so I canceled my camping trip. Very adult of me. lol I plan to enjoy today as part of my weekend.

Lanscape crews turn up… I expect they’ll mow this lovely meadow, and I am feeling annoyed by that.

Is it me, or is it this moment? I notice that I am already struggling to manage my pain, on top of “everything else”. Sounds like it’s me. I give the landscapers a wave and start gathering up my gear. There’s a pleasant park on my route home, a lovely spot for meditation. I will relocate, and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being

Excitement or Anxiety?

August 18, 2022 //
2

I’ve got a second interview today that I’m really excited about. I know I’m excited. I may also be anxious. Hard to say; they share quite a few characteristics in my physical experience. I’ve probably also had too much coffee, already. (I laugh at myself and push this iced coffee a bit further out of reach, and put my water bottle in the more convenient place that the coffee had occupied.)

I know I’m excited (and/or anxious) because I woke too early – shortly after 4:00 a.m., sky still completely dark. I knew I would not be able to return to sleep; my mind was already buzzing with anticipated interview questions, and pointless insecurity about how to answer them. I quietly showered, dressed, and slipped out of the house with my camera.

I get to a favorite bird-watching spot just at the twilight before daybreak.

I could have let my mind spin on the interview waiting for the sunrise… instead, I chose meditation.

Soon enough, the sun will rise.

As the sky began to lighten, I listened for bird song. Took some shots hoping for a bold sunrise. The morning is a warm one. It was still 69 degrees after yesterday’s heat. I see the substantial cloud cover to the south that threatens thunderstorms, although the forecast insists there is no chance of rain today. The air is still and muggy. As the dawn begins to unfold to daylight, I take my camera and stretch my legs, walking the path along the meadow.

I breathe, relax, and begin again.

I find a good spot to pause for pictures of little birds in the meadow grasses, and set up my camera. Patience is a good practice here; soon enough the little birds will forget I’m not part of the landscape, if I am sufficiently still and quiet. I breathe, exhale, relax, and fill my lungs with air scented with summer flowers. I let this “morning feeling” of ease and contentment fill me up. It makes sense that I’m excited about this interview: good company, good role, good people to work with, good timing, lots of potential for growth. That’s a lot of “good”, and I feel sure of all that. Feels good. It’s the unknowns that mingle anxiety with the excitement. I sip my coffee, remind myself I am well-qualified – all I really need to do is show up, be authentically myself, and have a conversation. That’s something I’m pretty good at. 🙂

…The anxiety dissipates, the excitement lingers. I see the sunrise hinted at from behind the clouds, and distant rain showers in the distance that don’t seem to reach the ground. It’s already time to begin again. It’s a good moment for it.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Other Work, Other Practices

August 17, 2022 //
0

I’m sipping my coffee and “getting caught up” – very much in the way I typically would on a routine work day. I check my email. Take a look at my task list. Take a look at my calendar and note the time of upcoming calls and meetings. Very ordinary work-type stuff. Today it’s a mix of working on a project for my Traveling Partner’s business, handling job search details (an interview, an appointment), and a couple calls to contractors for estimates on work needed at the house. Living life is filled with verbs. 🙂

Sometimes life has balloons, too.

I started the day the way I start most days (for awhile now…since June?) – out in a meadow or on a forest trail, camera in hand, taking pictures of birds, flowers, sunrises, small mammals… walking and breathing and enjoying the morning. I’m not sure how this routine developed, but it is a convenient solution to the need to stay motivated to get enough exercise for good health, and also the desire to let my partner actually sleep in some, at least now and then. I’m often the earlier riser of the two of us, and I’m rather stupid and clumsy when I first wake up, which can be noisy. Easier to slip away as quietly as I am able, as soon after waking and dressing as I can, and just enjoy that time with the camera and the rising sun, without waking my partner. I also just fucking love starting my day this way. 🙂

One morning, the location where I parked had quite a few bunnies enjoying the morning with me.

The sun had been up before 5:00 a.m. when I began slipping away first thing with my camera. Now the sunrise is starting much later, some minutes after 6:00 a.m. That trend will continue for some time, but lacking any early morning constraints on my time associated with employment, I can easily just “go with it” as the sunrise shifts toward autumn days. Super relaxing. No pressure. Sometimes I grab a coffee on my way, most often I don’t. It’s not an important detail. I’ve a couple nearby favorite locations – one is a forested trail I enjoy walking any time. The other is a vast meadow split down the middle by a park with some trees. On one side, that lovely meadow is filled with little birds as the sun rises. On the other side, the sun rise itself, trees and some distant mountains on the horizon. Convenient parking in all cases.

My Traveling Partner made a great ground pod for my camera. I take it with me most mornings.

One chillier than usual morning, I set up the ground pod for my camera, and sat in the car with a coffee and my remote shutter, taking pictures, occasionally repositioning the camera, until it was a bit warmer. Most mornings, I throw my camera bag over my shoulder, and walk. I pause here and there to get some shots, and then walk on. It’s lovely time, and I return home feeling recharged, calm, and centered. Is it the 100% reliable “cure” for stress? Nope. Nothing is. It is, however, time well-spent, and pleasant, fulfilling, and satisfying. Close enough.

Sometimes enough has to be enough. 😉

What will you do to take care of yourself today? It’s not too late to put yourself at the top of your “to do” list. 😀 It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being

Here and Now

August 15, 2022 //
0

Hello, Monday, look at you all decked out with interviews and meetings like a proper work day. 🙂 Feels good – less because there are meetings and interviews on my calendar, and more because in spite of that, I feel relaxed and… free. Now to the business of finding a job that preserves that feeling of contentment and freedom… or more specifically does not undermine it. I don’t expect any of the interviews I have scheduled this week to be “instant win” lotto tickets. It’s rare that things work out that way. There’s a process, and it may take weeks or months. I breathe, and relax into it.

The critical practices today feel likely to be 1. acceptance and 2. non-attachment. Walking a path that just has me awake, aware, and feeling okay with what is will be more rewarding than fussing and struggling. I smile into my coffee mug; absolutely lackluster K-cup office coffee, here in the local co-work space.

My Traveling Partner has work of his own today, and rather than interrupt each other’s flow inadvertently, I went “in to the office” today. It’s a nice option to have, and my first time being between jobs that I could still quite easily “go to the office” to do job search related work. 🙂 It feels comfortably professional, and somehow fitting. I feel “ready” for each call and meeting, simply because the backdrop to the experience is … work. lol Human primates are hilarious.

…The A/C in the office is too cold. One more reason to embrace working from home; control of the climate controls. LOL

It’s already time to begin again… Where will this path lead?

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

12 Days

August 14, 2022 //
2

Well, it’s been not quite two weeks since the lay-off. I’m pretty okay. There are things to do, steps to take, appointments to keep, and all of it needs the same sort of consistent focused attention as any other set of work-related tasks. It’s hardly any different, although my time is so entirely more “my own” than it otherwise would be. That’s worth thinking about. There’s something to learn here.

The week ahead seems pretty full. No slack in it. I’ve got a couple interviews. A couple errands to run. A meeting with a career counselor sort of person with the State as part of the unemployment process. A meeting with a “land softly” sort of professional provided by my former employer. Meetings are meetings. Feels like I’m still working. lol Routine. The lay-off itself already feels like a far more distant moment than the 12 days ago it actually was. I start to wonder if that perspective is “strange” and quickly lose interest and move on to studying a professional field of endeavor adjacent to my “regular” day-to-day sort of professional role. It sounds interesting, and I feel ready for a change. Maybe this is a good time?

I laugh at myself for thinking – even for a moment – that I’m organized about all of this. I just now managed to hold on to “today is Sunday” simultaneously with “don’t forget to submit your weekly unemployment claim”. LOL (It’s just a task, and quickly handled.) It feels good to be this relaxed. It’s been too rare. That’s on me, though, for sure – that’s not about “work” in any way. I tend to be wound a bit tight, is all. It’s likely not healthy. This moment to really breathe, to let it all go quite properly, to take leisurely morning hikes with my camera, to come home in the middle of the morning and make home made breakfast sandwiches for brunch with my partner, to take my time with a new book… all of it matters. This is life being lived. There’s room in that for work – there sort of has to be; life can be fucking expensive and having a bit of cash flow is handy.

Now, if I’m wise I’ll seek ways to hang on to some of this when I return to work. If I’m thoughtful and studious about the verbs involved, I may even succeed! I wonder what the future holds…

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being
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