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Now

February 1, 2024 //
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The day began earlier than it needed to, and I am okay with it. I’m waiting for daybreak to get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps. Afterwards, I will make a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things he likes (and can make pretty easily), and then do a bit of tidying up before I finally finish packing, load the car, and hit the road for a couple quiet days of (hopefully) restful downtime.

I spend a few minutes meditating. I look over my packing list for obvious omissions. I update my to-do list. I sit quietly, taking note of how my body feels, and “where my head is at”.

My tinnitus is loud today and I am in more pain than usual. I’m physically uncomfortable, but I also feel pretty good emotionally, and generally quite merry and eager to face the day. Learning to hold space for these very different experiences at the same time took a long time to learn, and longer still to recognize the value in doing so, but so worth it. Being able to acknowledge and enjoy what’s going well in spite of what’s going poorly is a way of preventing shitty experiences or feelings from wrecking my entire moment (or day). Handy, considering how often I am in pain.

I take a breath and sigh as I exhale. It’s early, but I go ahead and take something to help manage my pain. Self-care is important to my own well-being, sure, and it’s also something I can do to support my relationships; miserable people make other people miserable, too. I’m not miserable with pain yet, but I could easily become so, and that’d be a crappy way to start off on a few days solo.

I’ve packed my paint box. My camera is ready, too. I’ve put the Lord of the Rings “Return of the King” in my bag, planning to finish it. There’s very little packing left to do (my CPAP, my pillow, things I was using during the night mostly). I’m really down to doing things to maximize my Traveling Partner’s comfort and convenience while I am gone. I take a moment to sit in quiet contemplation; I am so grateful to have a partner who is comfortable with me taking a few days solo now and then, and who truly supports my emotional wellness.

I smile, thinking about how much I know I will miss my partner, even though I am choosing to be away, and really need this time. I also know I will return home eagerly and happy to see him, and to love and be loved. It’s useful perspective to miss each other now and then.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Soon it will be daybreak. Soon it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Countdown to Solitude

January 31, 2024 //
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Some people are not at all into being alone. Solitude can be nerve-wracking for people who don’t like being alone. I’m not one of those people. Quite the contrary, some of my easiest most relaxed and comfortably contented moments are those when I am alone. I enjoy a solitary hike more than I enjoy companionship on the trail, and even the distant presence of others within view is a subtle irritant when I am most craving solitude. It’s beyond the irritation that is the sound of voices… it’s almost as if the mere presence of another human consciousness is too much for mine. It’s a little weird, because human primates are social creatures – even me. I just happen to have a strong liking for solitude, and a relatively high need for it, from a basic self-care perspective. Yes, yes, I know; it’s likely a trauma thing, but honestly that’s neither here nor there when it comes time to care for this fragile vessel in practical terms.

I’m sipping my coffee and counting down the hours; tomorrow I head to the coast for a couple days of quiet solitude. I’ll have my paints with me, my camera, and I’ll be near to a couple of favorite trails, and miles and miles of walkable beach. I’ll bring Lord of the Rings (books) – maybe I’ll finish it? I’ll sleep in (maybe) and nap (probably), and my life will not be constrained by clocks or calendars or lengthy to-do lists. It’ll just be me, being. I’m looking forward to it. Like… a lot.

…Funny… I’m also aware that I’ll miss my Traveling Partner the entire time I’m gone (which is okay, we gain a lot of perspective on how deeply we love each other when we have a chance to miss each other now and then)…

Yesterday’s unexpected almost-Spring weather of breezy sunshine and mild temperatures has given way to stormy gray clouds and intermittent rain. This does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for tomorrow’s drive, or the coastal weekend ahead; rain or shine a view of the ocean is a marvelous change of scenery. When I go to this favorite location, I often leave the balcony door open wide to the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves crashing in for hours. If it’s chilly weather, I put on layers. I love to listen to the sound of the seashore. (Funny how different from each other the Atlantic and Pacific coasts sound. Funnier still that they both remind me of my Granny, and times we spent on the seashore together.) Being on the coast, near the seashore with a view of the ocean, really does something to replenish and recharge me. Similar-but-different to forested getaways or visits to vast plains or deserts; they each have something to offer the solitary traveler.

…I used to think I might like to take a cruise, then I really considered being crowded into a huge floating city with thousands of very human strangers and… um… no. That actually doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Too much people-ing. lol

So, yeah, the countdown to solitude has commenced in earnest… tonight I’ll pack my paints in my paint box for portability. Tomorrow… everything else, and a trip to the store for my Traveling Partner so he can also comfortably chill and enjoy some time on his own terms without having to fuss over groceries. The plan is made, and so are the reservations. 😀 It’s almost time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

A Trickle of Happy

January 30, 2024 //
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I’m drinking my coffee before I start work. I am feeling contented and relaxed. Strange morning. Some sound or something woke me briefly at something like 03:35 this morning. I looked at the clock, turned over, and went back to sleep. The lights (of my silent alarm) don’t come on until 05:00; I had time to sleep, more. I sank into a deep dream. My Traveling Partner’s voice saying… something… roused me a bit some time later. I heard the door click closed, and woke thinking I must be running late (damned dreams) and sat upright abruptly, forgetting I had a CPAP mask on and very nearly dragging the machine to the floor as I sat up. Comical, later, but in the moment mostly just confusing for my groggy brain. I rose, dressed, and made my way through something like my morning routine, before kissing my Traveling Partner and leaving for work. All rather ordinary, really, but…

…It was a bit earlier than usual, and I was definitely not “running late”. LOL Nice commute, very little traffic.

I’ve been enjoying a fairly spectacular few days for the last little while. A week? More? It’s just been rather nice at home, and yeah even at work. I feel… mostly contented, generally merry, and frequently joyful. My Traveling Partner and I are enjoying each other quite a lot. (If you’re in a loving relationship, yourself, you probably know there are some ups and downs, and it’s not all “ice cream and blowjobs” all the time.) It’s rather like the cold-brew filter of my heart is drip-drip-dripping happiness into my experience all the time, a little bit at a time, and it’s been adding up. It’s quite lovely. I sip my coffee and reflect on my joys and precious moments shared with my Traveling Partner.

…Yesterday was a weird one. Not a bad day, and remarkable primarily because it was (and is) more or less a blur. I got to the office, sat down, answered an email before I even made coffee (it seemed to want to be answered promptly)… next thing I new the day was ending, it was hours later, and although I’d gotten a lot done, nothing at all stood out about the day, as if I simply hadn’t formed any memories of the moments of lifetime that had been consumed by work. I mean, I guess I didn’t. As I said; it’s a blur. I see my checklist has many items checked off, and I review it with care; my “today” will build off that list and awareness of what has already been completed, and what is yet to be done… short week, with my long weekend trip coming up quickly.

Last night my Traveling Partner asked about my itinerary and timing. He looked a bit disappointed to realize I’ll be leaving on Thursday, but I set up my trip to maximize my downtime, and minimize the impact to him/us; I’ll get two days off work, and spend just one weekend day away, returning home on Sunday to enjoy the day with him (and get a few things done before the work week begins). Evenings apart can have some lonely moments, though… I sip my coffee and think about offering a Zoom call or something for Friday or Saturday night. By Saturday evening I know we’ll be missing each other a lot. I fret for a minute over whether he’s really going to be able to care for himself (still recovering from his injury) sufficiently well to be okay on his own… but… he’s a grown-ass man, very capable, and would 100% tell me, and ask for my help (or to change my plans) if he needs me. He’s pretty good at “using his words” where that sort of thing is concerned (for which I’m highly grateful). He knows I need the downtime. Work has been intense. Life has been filled with effort. I’m tired and a bit overwhelmed by “all the people-ing”. A couple days solo is good for me – but the weather is not yet great for camping. So, a trip to the coast it is. This time I’ll bring my paints along. 😀

As I finish my coffee, I take a breathe, sigh, and hope today isn’t such a blur. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Making a List

January 28, 2024 //
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I’m sitting at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. I use the time to meditate, which doesn’t use all the time I have for waiting. I sit quietly awhile, reflecting on life, generally, and looking out over the seasonal lake on the other side of the highway observing the way the clouds and water reflect distant lights. I listen to the sounds of traffic, and my ceaseless tinnitus.

I take a moment to make a packing list for my upcoming weekend trip to the coast. I decided last night to take a paint box with me, and maybe spend some time painting seascapes and coastal landscapes. Should be fun and relaxing. My packing list completed, I update my to-do list for today, too. It’s not a lot, but the meal I plan to make for dinner has some specifics that will drag my ass into the kitchen for some tidying up, and I definitely need to finish doing the dishes so the kitchen will be ready for cooking a proper meal later. I’m making a Bolognese sauce and I plan to make enough to have some left to set aside for my Traveling Partner to enjoy while I am gone.

The day feels planned. Even the next few days seem pretty well laid out. Oh, for sure my lived experience will have some variations from anything I’ve put on a fucking list; the map is not the world. Still, I feel prepared, and that’s a feeling I like.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This is a pleasant quiet moment, as I wait for the sun. The weather is unseasonably mild, and it’s not raining. I sit quietly, enjoying the moment for what it is before I begin again.

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Categories art and the artist, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Chance & Opportunity

January 14, 2024 //
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I’m awake on a snowy Sunday morning, on a long weekend in January. It’s cold outside – too cold for me to go walking, and the roads are in a hell of a mess after the snow, and quite icy. So… I’m home for the morning, and giving myself (and my Traveling Partner) some space to wake up. After a few minutes of “headphone silence”, with the world muted by having headphones on but no music, I put on a playlist.

…I slept in this morning. So delightful. So rare. I slept well and deeply. I really needed that. I hope my Traveling Partner slept well, too; I haven’t had an opportunity to ask, yet. He was polite and very clear that he wanted some time to himself to wake up, when I greeted him this morning, so I made coffee and made my way to the studio. It’s wonderful to have that option on a snowy day. 

Yesterday’s headache is… part of yesterday. Today’s pain is just the manageable day-to-day sort of pain I live with. I do the things that help to ease it, and I work to stay alert and mindful that it’s still worthwhile to put real effort into being kind and being present and being my best self in all the minutes I am able to. It’s an aspirational bit of work, sometimes; I’m still very human. I breathe, exhale, relax. I take time for gratitude that I’m not hurting, today, the way I was hurting yesterday. My Traveling Partner was supportive and kind and careful to be gentle with his words yesterday, knowing the headache was just fucking crushing me. Today? I don’t know yet what today holds – it’s full of opportunities and possibilities.

Maybe we’ll hang out watching South Park? Maybe I’ll read a book? Ooh… I could make a couple new batches of shower pucks for that fragrant luxurious shower experience! 😀 The day ahead is full of chances to choose, and opportunities to enjoy moments. My heart is filled with love, and my head is full of thoughts and questions. The music plays on. I consider maybe painting. The song in my ears makes me want to grab a paint brush.

A shot taken in 2021 inspires me.

There’s no telling what the day holds. It could all go badly sideways in an instant, but I don’t dwell on that possibility; no reason to create it from imagined bullshit or anxiety. I can live in this timeless now, filled with potential, and choose with more care than that. I smile thinking of my Traveling Partner. Fuck, I love that guy. He is my partner, my best friend, my muse… I find myself missing him from this short distance, already.

I’ll guess I’ll finish this cup of coffee, and this bit of writing, and begin again…

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Categories art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter
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