Archives for category: art and the artist
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Ready, Set… Relax?

March 19, 2023 //
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I am drinking a glass of water between housekeeping tasks. I already know I won’t easily relax on my planned coastal getaway if I leave the house looking untidy, or if I just don’t do all the things I knew I could have done to make my absence easier on my Traveling Partner. He made a point of gently reminding me that I “don’t have to go, if you don’t want to…”, immediately followed by his reluctant awareness that I’m genuinely looking forward to this. I definitely need the break… from everything. People. Work. Chores. Routines. Agendas that are not my own. Errands. Did I mention “people”? Yeah… I for sure need a real break from being surrounded by other consciousness, and some real quiet time to listen to my own thoughts for a little while.

…I’m ready…

The chores didn’t take long. I’ll run to the store a little later and pick up a couple things for my partner (I check the list; ice cream, hamburger buns. Yeah. Ice cream and hamburger buns. lol) and enjoy the moment of awareness that the pantry is actually pretty well stocked, nothing to be concerned about. It’s a tiny reduction in background stress, and added up with other similarly relieving details, I keep feeling my stress level decline as my departure time (tomorrow) approaches. Feels good.

I breathe. Exhale. Relax. I contemplate the upcoming days away. My intention is a “silent retreat” aside from the minimal civil interactions required between myself and hotel staff, and wait staff at restaurants. It’s likely that other than check-in/out, and meals, I won’t exchange words with another person for 3 days. Damn that sounds good. 😀 I’m also looking forward to a “digital detox”. Minimal time logged in or connected – hell, I’m even on the fence about whether or not I’ll do any writing. Probably will, but I’m for sure staying off my phone, the internet, games and apps, aside from that bit of morning writing, I think.

I think about how much my partner will likely miss me while I’m gone (I’m only an hour away, and it’s only 3 days). Maybe I should invite him to a Zoom call or something and enjoy a few minutes remotely on Tuesday…? I know I can. He’s likely to be busy with work, while he misses me, but everyone needs a break now and then, right? I think about it until my thoughts move on.

No fancy vacation agenda. No event planning. Just a woman and a camera, and a couple days on the chilly Spring beach celebrating the changing of seasons. Should be everything I need to rest and reset and return to life’s busy routine recharged and ready to start a bunch of new projects for Spring. I’m looking forward to it.

It’s definitely time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

Ready, Set… Repeat

February 27, 2023 //
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Another day. Specifically, another Monday. I’m not feeling blue about it, but I’m also not facing the day eagerly. I’m tired. Another night of marginally shitty sleep. I sit quietly at my desk in the empty co-work space, listening to artificial rain fall in the background. The sound of rain mingles with the sound of the heat and ventilation. Together, the sounds let me forget my tinnitus for a little while, which is pleasant. The coffee is… ordinary office coffee brewed by way of K-cups – not my first choice, honestly, but it’s here, convenient, and hot. It’ll help wake me up and get the day going.

It was a strange weekend. Not bad. Not great. Just … a couple days off. Nothing much really stands out about the weekend, aside from the shitty sleep I had (and that my partner also had). I’d very much like to move on from that.

I did get some studio time later in the day on Sunday. That was nice. Good weekend for it. Most of the rest of the weekend is a blur. Unremarkable, and little to say about it. And that’s 100% okay; most days (and experiences) are rather average, and may not be all that noteworthy. The persistent struggle to create notable events to discuss out of utterly mundane experiences that are entirely adequate (even pleasant) exactly as they are is not a helpful, useful, or positive quality. Maybe let that go? lol It’s a lot of work to try to make everything in life sound “amazing”. Some of life’s events (most of them, probably) aren’t all that exciting or share-worthy. Let that go and just enjoy the moments as they are. Easier.

I sip my coffee, reflecting on the incomplete work left drying in my studio. It’s nice to know it’s safe sitting there, ready for me to come back to it… whenever. Soon the work day will begin, and then it’ll be routines and meetings and agendas and task processing and reports. More mundanity. I don’t need any of that to be “exciting” – it has other valuable qualities in my experience of being human. 🙂

Pain was a bigger deal this past weekend than I’d have preferred. It got in the way of long walks (well, so did the cold morning temperatures, just wasn’t a great weekend for walking or hiking, in my opinion). It got in the way of romance (it’s hard even to want to cuddle when my pain flares up beyond a certain point). My Traveling Partner was hurting, too, having wrenched his elbow painfully on… was it Friday? I think so. It was still bothering him yesterday.

I made a point to meditate regularly and to do my PT stuff reliably. I figure either of those things have some potential to mitigate pain, so why would I not do them? I can’t report any major success, though I suppose it could have been much worse than it was. Hard to know how much good the meditation or PT really did me. I know it does help some, though, and more over time, so best to stick with it until I get those more lasting results. Sometimes that’s really what it’s about, you know? Patience, persistence, and practicing what we want to see become our default, until it does. 🙂

…What are you practicing?…

My Traveling Partner pings me about a package that hasn’t arrived. His ability to complete a work project is impaired by lack of a tool he ordered with expectations it would be delivered more than a week ago. He has an alternate solution in mind, and asks for my help. I eagerly agree to run an errand a little later that will help get him back on track in the shop. I like feeling useful, and my mood is a bit lifted as a result, in spite of my lack of restful sleep. Win! I “fill my tank” on the feeling of being there for my partner in a helpful way, and find myself hoping it will similarly boost his mood to have that support. We’re in this together, you know?

I sigh and look at the time. The work day commences (based on my calendar and planning) in just about two minutes. Enough time to finish my coffee, before I begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

Mired in Bullshit

February 26, 2023 //
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I’m tired. My Traveling Partner is tired. Neither of us slept well last night. It is what it is. I am working my ass off to avoid taking it personally (because, frankly, it isn’t at all personal). I’m tired, though. Cross. Less than ideally clear-headed. Struggling with pain and with “brain fog” (of the fatigue variety). I rather carelessly add chocolate to my second coffee, muttering something to myself about “dementors”, and take it into my studio to “do things with art”.

The recent snow is already mostly gone. I got some quick snapshots of it while it was fresh…

Just a picture of snow and trees, and blue skies.

I have this picture on one monitor, and on the other, I write, and listen to a video – some other artist, talking through how she does her thing. Fascinating. Inspiring.

…I’m so tired…

My Traveling Partner sticks his head into the studio and checks in on me. He’s kind and supportive, and maybe a bit “careful”. I’m okay with that; it’s evident that he does care, very much. We hang out for a few minutes. He asks how the art is going. I talk about an artist whose work I’m finding very inspiring today. He tells me he’s glad I’m in the studio, and that he sees how good it is for me to be working creatively. I feel visible and “heard”, in spite of my fatigue, moodiness, and potential irritability. I feel loved.

It’s unfortunate that we both have PTSD complicating our life together. It’s shitty that we each have sleep challenges – my own lifelong challenges, his challenges mostly to do with how mine affect me (and my snoring, just being real). When we both have a bad night, on the same night, it doesn’t much matter how good recent other nights have been, or that we were well-rested immediately prior – it’s just fucking hard. It’s easy – too easy – to be angry about it, and for that anger to become directed at this human being we love. Hard to “let it go”. Hard to stay confident there is no element of willful behavior to it. Hard to maintain a position of “non attachment” and to remain aware that it’s temporary. I sip my coffee – I’m already over it. The coffee, I mean. The rest of this shit still plagues me in quite a persistent human way.

I have headphones on as if I were listening to music. lol I’m not. I’m just… wearing headphones. I don’t think I’d even meant to put music on at all. I’m just quieting the world around me as much as I am able to do. It helps. Some days, particularly when I am fatigued or irritable, my noise sensitivity is just… ridiculous. Like, literally something I feel compelled to ridicule. It’s bad on this whole “how is this even a thing??” level.

I breathe. Sip my coffee (which I’m over, and wishing I had just poured a glass of water). Pull myself upright again, having noticed I had begun to slump. Fatigue nearly always also means heightened physical pain. I’m not sure it’s actually worse, or if I just lack the resilience to disregard the same pain I routinely push into the background. Pain sucks. You know what though? It’s not just me. My Traveling Partner too. Probably you, too, or someone you love. Eventually definitely you, too. All of us. We are mortal creatures. lol

I sigh out loud and call this “good enough”. My Traveling Partner asks me to give him a ride to a place. He doesn’t really need me for that, so I figure he’s just inviting me along. That’s sweet. I breathe. Relax. Begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, Love, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

One Day, One Moment

February 21, 2023 //
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I sip my coffee and breathe. It’s morning. I’m awake. The workday has not yet started. I sit quietly, not exactly doing anything, not exactly waiting, just… being. It’s a pleasant moment.

I make a point to enjoy this quiet moment while it lasts. I reflect on the lovely long weekend spent in the company of my Traveling Partner, and in my studio painting. It was pretty splendid. I can’t recall a single harsh word between us, or moment of vexing miscommunication – it was pretty excellent, and I’m enjoying thinking back on time well-spent.

Individual moments, whole days, and even weekends, often don’t live up to expectations, that’s just real. Very human, too. I make a point of lingering on the recollections of the excellent weekend behind me, and “filling up my heart” on the delightful days painting, and on the shared moments with my partner. We are mortal creatures, and there is no knowing how long our joys (or sorrows) may last.

I breathe in deeply, and sigh as I exhale. I haven’t yet looked at the news. It’s probably the usual mish-mash of chaos and horror, with a hearty helping of human greed on the side. I grimly think, for a moment, that humanity is a pretty serious disappointment, generally, and perhaps a “do over” is warranted…? No way to begin a new day, and I shake it off with another sip of coffee and a lingering glance at the dawn unfolding beyond the window.

Over the weekend, I sent emails to several dear (and far away) friends. I was feeling a bit “out of touch” and distant, so reaching out seemed the thing to do. It was lovely to hear from old friends. I made a mental note to stay in touch more skillfully. Friends are a treasure beyond price; the handful of deep lasting friendships I have are for sure worth preserving. We’ve all been through a lot. Some of it together.

Today seems like a good day to catch up on things. A good day to reach out to an old friend. A good day to finish a project. A good day to follow up on loose ends. A good day to make plans. A good day to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

Mise en Place

February 19, 2023 //
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My Traveling Partner and I made dinner together last night. It was fun. I generally do the dinner cooking these days (and my cooking has gotten pretty good), and my partner wanted to share a particular approach to browning ground meat for Bolognese with me that I’ve been eager to learn. So we shared the dinner cooking with that in mind. In general, it all turned out quite excellent, and we enjoyed the meal greatly. There was a point at which he noticed I’d overlooked a detail in my mise en place for the meal – the process of laying out all the ingredients and tools in advance, as “next level” preparation before beginning the cooking. It was a small detail, and easily handled, but it got me thinking about mise en place generally…

Mise en place for a recent stir fry

…Now I’m sipping my morning coffee and contemplating how very much “mise en place” can translate as “having my shit together”. lol I mean… for real.

This leads to me contemplating the value in having a plan. Of laying out work before getting started. Of coordinating with others before starting a big project. Things like that – the many ways in which making a point to prepare to do a thing before doing it can make a difference in the outcome.

Yesterday I stopped in the middle of painting a small piece about a big nightmare, and I left my set up all… set up. This will certainly ease me into restarting the work, later this morning. Of course, the flip side of mise en place is … clean up your mess. LOL

The weekend feels so much longer spending time in the studio. It’s lovely. I guess the lesson there is that when I feel short on time, I’ve got to change what I’m doing with the time I’ve got! This is such a relaxed weekend – worthwhile, and creatively nurturing. My Traveling Partner has spent much of it working. Today is Sunday, he may take this one “off” to relax, but maybe not. Starting a business of his own sometimes means odd hours or working weekend days to get a job done for a customer. I watch as projects get completed, a little bit in awe of how he’s able to do and make so many things with seemingly such ease. Pretty impressive.

…I just paint and write…

I sip my coffee and think for a moment about the ease I find in painting and writing, compared to say… making things in a woodshop, or operating a CNC machine (neither of which I have any skills for, as it happens). I’m most impressed by people doing things I am not myself able to do. The things I can do, and do routinely, are less impressive to me. Funny how easily that tempts me into thinking they are “easy” or that “anyone could…”, simply because I find them easy and can do them, myself. It’s worth sorting that out and gaining a better understanding of relative difficulty.

My Traveling Partner and I do have something in common, though, in our creative endeavors; we both set up the work before we begin. Mise en place. Makes sense. I also plan my camping trips and check my gear before I go. I make a shopping list and double check that I’ve got useful “every day carry” items with me before I depart. When I do many housekeeping chores, I “set things up” before I begin. The more skillfully I prepare for what I am to do, the “easier” the doing of it feels. Days when I am distracted, or struggling with “brain fog”, or generally careening through life haphazardly, everything I do is affected by my lack of preparation. Small things vex me on such days, like sitting down to write but forgetting to grab a pen. Or dashing out to the store and forgetting my phone or my purse. lol I’ve learned to “slow down” in the sense that I make a point – more often (even “most of the time”) – to prepare for what I’m intending to do. It just works out a bit better when I make that part of my routine.

“Mise en place.” Getting my shit together. It’s nice to have language for it. 🙂

No idea what today holds… more time in the studio. Some laundry. A trip to the drugstore for some items we’ve run low on. Love and loving, and a great evening meal. So much to plan and prepare for…

…It’s time to begin again. I’ll begin with a plan, and start there. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, winter
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