Archives for category: Metaphors
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The Parable of Poison

March 18, 2013 //
10

A Person comes to a Friend bereft because a Loved One offered poison to drink, and having consumed it, this Person was in terrible pain and agony. The Person and the Friend commiserate at length the nature of the crime, the motive to offer poison, the sort of poison it was and how agonizing the pain. For days they spoke and there was no relief from the agony. The Person and the Friend went to the Law to address this grievance, and the Law spoke at length on the punishment suitable to the crime, depending on the sort of crime it could be determined to be. For days the Law spoke and there was no relief from the agony. The Person went far and wide with the pain and the agony, speaking at length with other persons, looking for agreement that a crime had been committed. The Person railed at and against the Loved One, demanding redress, acknowledgement, change and even vengeance, and shared the anger and pain and terrible agony far and wide with many other Persons.

One day, the Person met a Wiser Person and related the tale and the pain and agony of having been given poison by a Loved One. The Wiser Person listened carefully, and asked “Why did you drink it?”

Hmm…

I read something recently that gave me some clarity around the emotion of anger, but differentiating clearly between the emotional experience (‘the feeling’) of anger, and how it moves us to behave (‘the expression’) being called hostility, instead of also calling that anger. Nice wordsmithing, actually, because that actually gave me a foothold on greater understanding of a complicated piece of my experience.  Anger isn’t pleasant, but the emotional experience is pretty personal, and limited to the individual experiencing it – until they share it with another, in the form of hostility, and it isn’t all that different from offering someone poison… but if I am offered poison, in theory, I don’t have to drink it. 😀

Yesterday I woke in a good mood, but considerably sicker than the day before, and drained, exhausted, and suffering a pretty horrible headache, too. The morning went sideways when my limited emotional reserves met real-life unexpectedly – and it really was as if someone I love had walked right up and handed me a cup saying ‘here’s this poison, I made it myself, have some?’ and sure enough – I drank it right down. lol. Learning compassion and practicing mindfulness haven’t put me beyond the realm of human experience, for sure, and I not only took the whole mess quite personally, I over-reacted more than a little. As sick as I was, my supply of good decision-making was also diminished and I found myself out in the world, walking and crying like a madwoman, and under-dressed for the weather, which was a dumb choice since I was already ill. All too human, right? lol. I sort of ‘forced myself’ to make some better choices; to go home, to have some calories, to rest, to let the small stuff go, and sure enough things sorted themselves out – because it wasn’t my experience that had me wound around the axles in the first place, and I didn’t really have to drink that poison.  I am hoping to learn how to politely say ‘thank you, no’ when I find myself ‘offered poison’ in the form of someone else’s anger being directed into my experience as hostility…

Other ‘cups of poison’ being handed round recently include a variety of news articles about rape and rapists, after the news about the Steubenville rapists being convicted.  Another blogger really ‘gets it’; being sympathetic to the convicted rapists rather than to the victim is more than inappropriate, it is offensive. They said it better than I would have, and it’s definitely a share-worthy message.  I’m glad I’m not reading/watching media news right now – the heinous insensitivity of the talking heads on parade could easily have triggered my PTSD for weeks, and I just don’t need it.

It’s a good Monday, in spite of being sick, and I am eager to be well and able to enjoy spring.

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Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, women

Troubleshooting My Connectivity

March 14, 2013 //
2

“Thank you for calling technical support…”

Today I am contemplating all the times in my life I have endeavored, with limited success, to ‘troubleshoot my connectivity’ in relationships.  This year I finally recognized I was not sufficiently skilled, knowledgeable, or experienced with what makes connecting emotionally with another human being work, to successfully complete troubleshooting my challenges with building healthy relationships.  I certainly didn’t have the right tools to fix glitches, programming errors, or resolve the issues I have regularly found myself facing. This year I ‘called technical support’.

Before I say more about that, I’d like to say something about the way our choices in language, even grammar, can influence our thinking.  Consider the sentence “I learned X about relationship building.” It implies, fairly specifically, that the learning is completed, and in the past, and that something is now known – and tends to limit change and additional growth, by expressing the gained knowledge as a static thing. On the other hand, the sentence “I am learning X about relationship building.” equally clearly implies that learning is ongoing, making it subject to additional potential for change and growth. I rather like change and growth; it is taking me new and wonderful places in life. I am discontinuing the practice of referring to learning in the past tense, since I don’t think I can conclusively show that any one thing I have learned is truly static and unchanging (except, perhaps, Euclidean geometry, but even there – I just don’t know everything!). So, onward to the future, hopefully always learning.

So…I called technical support, metaphorically speaking, and got some help with ‘troubleshooting my connectivity’. I am learning some important things about healthy relationships, and building and sustaining close connected relationships. I am learning:

  • that mindful listening is not about preparing a reply, waiting for my turn to talk, or ‘getting a word in edgewise’. Mindful listening requires my entire devoted attention to the person talking, hearing their words, and giving my attention to understanding their full intended meaning.
  • that hearing words is different than listening, and often results in urgent replies, or interruptions that are not relevant to the key point being communicated. Listening is about meaning, and may require clarifying questions before a response to the communicated points is appropriate. ‘Communication’ is about the meaning, not the words.
  • that when I am immersed in my own emotional experience, and stray from being mindful-in-the-moment, I find it difficult to listen to someone else, to be compassionate, and to connect with them.  (That experience is not about whether or not they – or I – want to connect, but more whether or not we each allow and accept that connection.)
  • that compassionate observation of others’ experiences with connecting with each other is a valuable ‘blackboard’ at the front of the classroom of life, and as with any other classroom, in front of any other teacher, if I am passing notes or daydreaming I may miss something important – and every day of life is a learning experience, but every day is also a pop quiz – being mindful results in a much better experience. 😀

Thursday… and it was a short night, but I woke in a good place in spite of that. I’m feeling a bit under the weather, but my health through the winter has been good, so I guess I’m overdue for a sore throat. lol. It’s hardly worth mentioning, although if I end up quite ill, I probably won’t write for a couple days. It still looks to be a lovely day.

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Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women

Cherishing the Dawn

March 11, 2013 //
3

I don’t actually have any appreciation for the weirdness that is ‘Daylight Savings Time’. It makes no sense at all to arbitrarily change the clock back and forth bi-annually…unless of course it makes sense to force people and systems to change-up routines thus, for no valuable purpose aside from change itself. lol. I feel for all the people who take prescription medications that are timing sensitive, or whose experience relies heavily on routine.  Those things matter, and those people have an experience to deal with making this adjustment. Having said that, it was interesting to watch the dawn unfold slowly as I walked to work, having gotten used to some daylight before I even head to work in the morning. The walk was a pleasant one and I listened to birds sing and wondered why it had seemed there were whole years of life I do not remember hearing birdsong…and I felt a soft excuse for rain begin to tease my skin with tiny droplets of mist as my journey reached its end.

It’s an interesting experience, life.  Practicing a more mindful approach to the experience of life is pretty interesting, itself.  Yesterday went sideways for a little while, but I managed to enjoy my own experience pretty well in spite of that, aside from a very human moment or two or real irritation and taking something more personally than had benefit. I got past the tough bit with considerably more ease than has been my experience in the past.  The mindfulness practices seem to take those apparent mountains of issues and stress that appear on the horizon some days and render them harmless potholes on the residential road of life, instead of sinkholes on my autobahn. lol. Taking things a little slower, and being compassionate with myself is feeling pretty good.  The day and weekend ended wonderfully well, in spite of the brief bit of… less-than-awesomeness. Time, compassion, and love, Love, and fun are great connection builders!

Just in case I was on the verge of being too complacent with my progress, Mother Nature showed her humorous side this morning and reset the menopause counter to zero. Cruel prank or life lesson? I guess that’s up to me. LOL

Happy Monday! Today, I’m not taking out my issues on other people; they’ve got their own to deal with…for now I have a surplus of smiles to share. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, women

That’s Neither Here, Nor Hair

March 7, 2013 //
1

I’d like to have a caution sign for the inside of my bedroom door. One of the safety yellow ones seen at the roadside for any number of upcoming hazards, and I want it to have one of those crazy squiggly road symbols for dangerous curves, and a falling rock symbol, and also a symbol for potholes. At the top, I’d expect it to say ‘Caution’, as most of them do, and perhaps at the bottom ‘Life Ahead’. Frankly, I could probably use a quick reminder every day before I head out into the world and get hung up on some ‘obstacle’ that isn’t actually an obstacle at all, but more of a lesson. 🙂

Short night last night, and a good morning anyway. Stayed up a bit past my ‘bell-curve bedtime’ watching a movie with my partners. Totally worth it. Lost a little more sleep to the happy sounds of life and Love, before my awareness distilled to a few moments of self, then dissipated to dreaming. Also, totally worth it.

This morning I am still turning over the Conundrum of Hair. I put it in capital letters to highlight the experience that this relatively simple question has come to serve as an interesting life lesson about decision-making and taking care of me. I mean, seriously? I’m talking about whether or not to get a hair cut – not exactly life-changing stuff, as changes go. I keep turning it over in my mind, trying to figure out not only what I want (for an outcome) but also learn more about my decision-making challenges in general.

I grew up hearing ‘Do something, even if it isn’t right!’ as an oft-repeated instructional slogan intended, I think, to foster a high level of productivity, initiative, motivation, and, oddly, effective decision-making (defined only as ‘making a quick decision and acting on it).  I learned it, and became an adult quite capable of making very bad decisions very quickly, and firmly, and taking prompt action on them – but I did not also learn to make the best possible decisions, only quick ones. lol. Life needs a bit of both, I’ve learned.  Often the decisions I’ve made quite slowly, over time, with a lot of consideration, and some false starts and mind-changing, plan-changing, or self-changing have been more worthwhile. I was taught a lot of disrespect for ‘dithering’, ‘vacillating’, and ‘being indecisive’. Funny how complicated these things have made deciding whether or not to cut my hair! Watching the process unfold both as an observer and as a participant is interesting, itself, and I’m finding value in taking a step back and asking myself some new questions.

I asked myself why am I considering getting my hair cut short right now? Why is the idea of getting my hair cut short – very short – scary? (I’ve had very long hair all my adult life) What does having all this long hair mean to me? What does the hair itself represent in my experience? Does the experience of having long hair have any intrinsic value? What about the experience of having long hair do I value? Am I willing to give that up to experience having short hair? Do I actually want to do this? Is there any other reason to cut my hair short besides ‘because I want this’? I’ve been turning these questions over in my mind a lot. “Long hair is sexy.” Yep, sure is – but so is short hair, because ‘sexy’ isn’t a hair style.  “I like the feel of my lover’s hands in my hair.” Mmm, yes, yes I do.  Does sensuality end with a hair cut?  That’s clearly not the case, since tons of men have short hair and don’t seem to lack for sensuality. “I won’t look like me.” Um…I am not a hair style. lol. “You can’t tell me what to do!” Somewhere inside I still feel the helpless anger and resentment of being controlled, in the memory of having to get a short hair cut because it was too much work to keep long hair neat when I was a child – it’s way past time to let that baggage go. lol.  I have a memory of crying to my father about a short hair cut I didn’t like…I must have been quite young…I remember mostly the feeling of hot tears spilling down and wailing “Daddy, I’m so ugly! I won’t be sexy – I look like a boy!!” and my father’s amused reply “Baby, there’s nothing about you that looks like a boy.” Well, at 49 and with the curves I’ve got, there’s sure no way to mistake me for a boy! lol “My partners like my long hair.” Ouch, that’s more difficult than I want it to be…sure, some people really like long hair, find it sexy, enjoy seeing it, touching it, and it may be part of how they see someone they love…but it’s just hair; it is not identity.  One of my partners is presently letting his hair grow longer after years of wearing it short. It’s sexy both ways – because he’s sexy; it’s not the hair. He looks different than he did with the shorter style; he is still himself. AND, although when he considered growing out his hair, he did mention it, and discuss it, and ask me what I thought, he did not ask for my permission, or make it about my needs or desires when he made a choice to change-up his look. Oh, ok, so that wasn’t really that difficult, after all. LOL 😀

Every internal objection, each moment of resistance, all the arguments from any angle are so easily knocked down when I am calm, centered, and willing to be compassionate with myself about old hurts, baggage, and internal weirdness.  So, now it comes down to what it really comes down to – is this what I want? Does it meet my needs over time? I still have not decided…and there’s no need to rush.  Now it is just a hair cut.  😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words

Authentic Faux

March 4, 2013 //
1

Some Monday thoughts and observations to get my week started…

It isn’t enough to think about ‘mindfulness’…it is necessary to do mindfulness to create a change to becoming mindful in my life. (I know, I know – some of the things I think, and say, seem incredibly obvious. They still hold some significance for me, and I find it helpful to see words, sometimes.)

One of the ugliest things I think I may have learned as a child was a quote my father often repeated to me…something on the order of “Sincerity – if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”  I find it attributed here and there to a variety of notables, paraphrased a couple ways, but the bottom line is, for me – that this particular quote, taught to a child as rote learning, has the potential to become the foundation of a lifetime – and lifestyle – of artifice, insincerity, lies, deceit and misdirection, spin, masks, frauds, and fakery of all sorts.  How big a step is it, really, from the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and white lies to living a personal fraud, or worse? I see a lot of cultures place value on ‘truth’ and ‘honesty’…so…how do we justify tolerating political lies, advertising lies, social lies, ‘harmless’ lies… any of it? I found myself thinking about it this morning, and thinking about a concept I am finding new value in… ‘being genuine’. (Remember everyone ‘getting real’ in the 90s? That seemed so promising…what happened to that? Did we learn to fake that, too?)

I had a wonderful – very genuine – moment with a partner last night that really moved me, filled my heart with warmth and love, and carried me aloft on wings through a night of gentle restful sleep and into a very sweet Monday morning of feeling calm and centered and…like myself. It wasn’t a grand moment. It wasn’t a moment to describe with superlatives, or put in a picture frame. It was just a sweet and comfortable, emotionally nourishing moment of very genuine affection and love. Genuine. Real. Honest. That it was what it was is precious and powerful in my memory this morning and I feel valued and encouraged to be me, to be mindful, to grow. But…it does have me thinking about the faux we embrace…fancy words we use to make things that aren’t real seem real, or aren’t pleasant seem a little more palatable. I am understanding now that this, too, is dishonest.

It got me thinking about something a little vain…my hair.  I still wear it long.  I color it now and again, and I used to color it often. I wasn’t specifically trying to slow the progress of time, or appear more youthful. It was more about looking like a certain vision of myself…and this morning, in the face of what is genuine, and truly valued, I find myself uncomfortably aware that ‘a certain vision of myself’ contained that kernel of dishonesty…because my hair, my genuine color, is part of who I am in my here and now… I don’t dislike the ‘natural color’ of my hair…grays and all…but in all fairness I don’t really know what that color might really look like, now. I haven’t worn my hair ‘natural’ in many years…except the top couple inches if I fall behind on re-coloring it. Then this morning I saw an article about ‘going gray’…and found myself quite awed by the beauty of women my own age, and older, gray locks and genuine smiles…  I, too, would like to be so radiant, so lovely, so genuine. In that moment that I spent admiring the mature loveliness of these beautiful adult women, I felt a new understanding begin to unfold in my ‘who am I?’ puzzle…’genuine’ is something I like. It is a quality I will embrace in life and love.

So…’who am I’ isn’t necessarily about who I want to be, who I am trying to be, who I would like someone else to see me as…it is more about who I am, right now, without limits, hesitation, misdirection, camouflage, walls, masks, or conditions. Just me. Right now. Gray hair and all. 😀 Seems so obvious, and so simple…

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Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, women, Words
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