Archives for category: Mindfulness

Perspective is an interesting thing. Change the context, or vantage point of an observed thing, and it may look quite different. Change the filter or lens on a camera, and the pictures are transformed. Zoom in, or step back, and what is revealed changes. Scale in comparison to other things may alter the apparent importance of something experienced or observed. A change of perspective has as much to do with our understanding as a change to the facts themselves. How interesting is that?

I woke earlier than I planned. Earlier than necessary at all, but once I was awake, there wasn’t much point in hanging about at home waiting for an unexpected opportunity to make a household-waking amount of noise inadvertently. I dressed, made coffee for my Traveling Partner, and got on with things. Somewhere between the front door and the trailhead, sleepiness caught up with me, and getting up so early now feels foolish. I parked the car just as the rain began drumming on the roof. Well, shit. I sit back a bit, listen to the rain sleepily and watch the clouds cross the sky while I wait for a break in the rain sufficient to walk the trail comfortably.

I am thinking about the “lens” through which I view the world. It’s a useful metaphor for perspective. I think about the necessity of “polishing the lens” for accuracy through education, fact-checking, and testing assumptions. I think about taking a closer look at events and experiences for a deeper understanding by way of “increasing the magnification” as one might with the lenses of a microscope. I consider how many lenses my eye doctor uses to get my prescription on my glasses just right, and the many comparisons between lenses that process requires. The lens is as excellent metaphor for perspective and clarity of thought. I sit contentedly, listening to the rain, and considering things through a variety of “lenses”.

…It makes sense to view the world through a variety of lenses, and to build nuanced understanding through considering things from more than one perspective…

My tinnitus rings and chimes and buzzes loudly in my ears and I am sleepy. My mind wanders. That’s okay, I’m not in any particular hurry and it’s still raining quite hard. The clouds are a pale soft gray against the darkness of the night sky. I find myself wondering if the new administration really will manage to put an end to the bullshit back-and-forth of the Daylight Savings Time changes we put ourselves through each year. If they do, which way will they go: permanent DST, or the other? I consider each option from several points of view and realize I’m not actually certain which I’d prefer, myself. I can see value to either, depending on the lens I choose. Summer hikes? Winter commutes? Sleeping in? Camping? Gardening? Children going to school? People with seasonal affective disorder? This lack of certainty tends to suggest it may be tough to bring about such a change, if many people are similar conflicted or uncertain. I find myself wondering, too, who will have the loudest voices and most money to spend on influencing the outcome.

I yawn drowsily as the rain stops. Seems a good time for my wandering mind and I to hit the trail. I put on my boots. They feel heavy on my feet this morning. I hang my headlamp around my neck. It dangles loosely, pointing toward my feet. I pull on my fleece over my sweater and stuff my rain poncho into my back pocket, just in case. Time to walk a couple miles in my own shoes. Time to stay on my path. Time to see the world with new eyes from a new perspective.

… Time to begin again… again.

A familiar walk from a different perspective, and through a different lens.

My tinnitus is super loud this morning. Distracting. Annoying. I breathe, exhale, and relax, as I absentmindedly rub my left trapezius muscle, up near my neck… Or is it my sternocleidomastoid? That general area. Feels like it is carved of stone and most of the time also a prominent source of day-to-day pain. I see one of my care providers today. He’s very skilled and I am hopeful that I’ll have a few hours or a couple days of real relief before my fucked up neck recreates the painful circumstances all over again. I’ve grown resigned to accepting that it is simply the byproduct of an old neck injury, combined with progressing degenerative disk disease (C3-C4 mostly and cervical arthritis from C5 on up to C1). It sucks and it’s painful, but, and this is important and real, it could be worse.

I walked down the trail listening to the crunch of boots on pea gravel, and I focused on the external sounds around me; it helps push the tinnitus into the background some. I got to a pleasant spot along the river to sit for a moment. The world is quiet and from here I can’t hear the traffic on the nearby highway at all. Whether this is an atmospheric phenomenon, a lack of traffic, or hearing loss is not clear to me, and maybe not even relevant to this pleasant moment. There’s a strip of color, not quite orange, on the eastern horizon, peeking between hillsides, silhouetting the trees on the far bank where the river bends. I have the trail and the park to myself this morning, alone with my thoughts (and my tinnitus, and my pain). Well… mostly…

I sit quietly as a rather large raccoon waddles past. She gives me a look and hesitates a moment before proceeding. I sit still and watch her discreetly from my peripheral vision hoping not to discourage her and choking back a laugh remembering the desk sign my Traveling Partner made for me (“most likely to be eaten by something she shouldn’t be petting”). As the raccoon continues past she’s followed by 2…3…4…5 chubby fuzzy youngsters, one of whom appears eager to get a closer look at me. Mom looks back and lifts herself on her back legs and makes sounds that clearly manage to communicate “Damn it, leave that human alone, you have no idea where that thing has been! Come on, we don’t have time for this.” It’s super hard not to giggle but I really don’t want to alarm Mama Raccoon – she’s pretty big, and I’m definitely not up for defending myself from an angry or frightened raccoon; they are not to be trifled with.

She walks on with her youngsters following, heading down the river bank. I walk on, too, heading back up the trail toward the parking lot. It’s daybreak. Good time to begin again.

I’m sipping my coffee and thinking about words this morning. My coffee is seriously pretty damned dreadful, and the words I’m thinking over can be vexingly easy to misuse.

People are pecular, and inclined to misattribute what is going on within themselves (or externally) to some cause or another without even a casual fact-check. Humans being human; we are prone to assign “blame”. We think we know the how or why of a circumstance and we decide who or what is at fault based on our “knowledge”. Sometimes we think the fault is our own, and possibly accept responsibility for some event or circumstance, maybe even seeking to make amends for some thing we think we’ve done. Other times, it’s someone else deciding who or what they think is at fault for some situation or event, and they put the responsibility with that individual or group or entity, assign blame, perhaps demand accountability or redress of perceived wrongs. It’s strange stuff, most particularly because it’s often quite subjective, not well-researched, even thoroughly fallacious (or just fucking wrong). We human beings make a rather ridiculous number of assumptions, are exceedingly “gifted” at flawed reasoning, and confirmation bias, as well as offensively fond of maintaining a self-righteous grip on some dumbass notion without regard to any sort of fact-checking. We like being “right”, and we’re often willing to believe we are in spite of mountains of readily available evidence to the contrary. Fucking dumb. Humans being human.

I keep sipping my dreadful coffee. “Why do I do this to myself?”, I wonder, vaguely amused. I could totally go back to the break area and make a better cup of coffee. Instead I continute to sit with my coffee and my thoughts.

When I was much younger, I was often willing to expend a lot of energy arguing against stupidity (or lies). I rarely do now. It’s not that I’m not amused/offended/discouraged by apparent idiocy – totally am – I just… don’t feel I have the time to waste on that, these days. I have a life to live, and it is finite and mortal. I’d rather let wrong-headed bullshit go, and just move on (and potentially simply reduce contact with people perpetually inclined toward lies, stupidity, or negativity). I’d rather just not hang out with someone who is fond of conspiratorial bullshit than argue the point. I’d rather just smile and maintain a comfortable distance or an agreeable presence in the face of someone insisting on being wrong about something for which there is definitely evidence for a different opinion, than fuss over minutiae that may not truly matter for enjoying a moment together as people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy “being right” as much as the next person… I don’t enjoy expending energy fighting for it. If you think differently than I do, but don’t violate my personhood along the way (or anyone else’s), why do I care? You’re free to be wrong. Generally speaking, this seems a win, to me – being accepting, being tolerant, being okay with uncertainty or even being wrong. Only…

…I’m reading “On Tyranny“, and the author makes several very solid cases for specific circumstances in which being accepting or “agreeable” is not a good thing. Something to think about, and I sit with my coffee this morning thinking about words, thinking about ethics, and thinking about the potential risk in being too accepting or too tolerant, under a variety of circumstances. Definitely worth thinking about.

…Although, keeping it real? This doesn’t feel like a world where we’re all at tremendous risk from being “too tolerant” most of the time…

Sometimes there’s real personal risk involved in tolerantily accepting blame (or inaccuracy, errors, or lies) rather than arguing a point. Tolerance is virtuous – unless it is tolerance of actual evil. Real damage can be done. Words have meaning, how we use them matters. The world is complicated, and there’s surely room for many thinkers and many opinions, but there is only one actual reality, one world we all live in, one set of provable, demonstrable, documentable, actual facts – and a lot of people willing to undermine that reality to bolster a narrative that they prefer (whether for power or for profit). Real people can really get hurt. I could become one of those. So could you.

I sip my coffee grateful for this quiet moment of solitude. Right here, right now, there’s just me, this moment, and this dreadful cup of coffee. It’s on okay moment. I’m okay with the bad coffee; it’s real. It’s authentically crappy, and it is what it is. There’s nothing to argue about, and nothing to fear in being honest about it. No particular harm in it. Nothing controversial about a bad cup of coffee – unless perhaps I’m ready to go down the ethical rabbit hole of “should we be drinking coffee at all, considering the terrible exploitation of coffee growers?”. I sigh quietly. Shit is complicated when we “zoom out” and take in a bigger picture.

Reality is what it is. Reality doesn’t care what I believe (or what you believe), or whatever bullshit notions I may be inclined to cling to. Facts don’t lie – but it’s damnably easy to be wrong about whatever conclusions are drawn from them. Another sigh. Another sip of dreadful coffee. My thoughts don’t change anything this morning, and it’s time to begin again.

…Maybe a cup of tea, instead?

Well, shit. It’s the last day of 2024. Hell of a year. A lot of things changed in 2024 – it was a very eventful year. I’m not going to bother listing all the details, plenty of other people will.

…This morning I woke up ill. lol Just fucking great – not what I planned, obviously – this would have been a routine work day, instead I’m calling out sick, and going back to bed after having some hot tea and quickly looking over my work email for anything urgent (there isn’t anything). I’m having some oatmeal (soothing, sort of, I guess). Annoyingly enough, I’d left my laptop in the office all set up for work this morning – a convenient little luxury now and then (since I usually haul it back and forth between shifts). So… yeah, I had to drive to the office to pick it up. I’m laughing at myself. I’m okay for many values of okay, I’m only ill with whatever local ick is going around right now, and the symptoms prevent me from working comfortably, but it’s not like I’m fucking dying or anything. I’ll be okay, it’s just aggravating.

I sigh to myself, sipping my hot tea between flavorless bites of oatmeal. It could be worse. It’s not Norovirus. It’s not Covid. It’s barely a headcold of some sort or another; I can breathe pretty comfortably. I’ve got a massive (new) headache, and all my joints ache like crazy, and I’m mired in this overall “cellular level” feeling of “don’t give a fuck about any of that” fatigue that will send me back to bed as soon as I have returned home. Still… it could most definitely be ever so much worse.

It’s the end of 2024. Instead of going out with the pop of a champagne cork, I guess it’ll go out with a sneeze and a sniffle, and the sound of me ripping open a new box of tissues. lol

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sip my tea. I eat my oatmeal. I focus on good self-care, and being careful as I make my way through the moments of the day (my mind is foggy and I’m a bit sluggish, and it’s wise to account for that). Being sick for New Year’s wasn’t part of my plan…but reality doesn’t care about my plans, at all. lol Just gotta roll with the circumstances and do my best. I make room for gratitude, while I also recognize the chills that wash over me. Time to head home, and go back to bed.

…Here’s hoping 2025 is a better year, generally, for everyone, than 2024 has been or so many people…

I woke this morning aware of yesterday’s news; former president Jimmy Carter had died at 100 years of age. Aside from that being a pretty long life for a human being, I was struck later in my own life, by how genuinely decent he was as a human being. Sure, sure, a lot has been said about what a terrible president he was, but I don’t know that that’s actually true, when I reflect on the specifics of the criticisms.

Jimmy Carter took a lot of heat for shit he could not have directly controlled in any way, and other things commonly called out critically were actually things that are easily viewed as actions taken from a positive of moral good, with positive outcomes. He sold the Panama Canal back to Panama for basically nothing. Why is that a bad thing? What business of ours was it to “own” that? (Oh, right – business. Not exactly known for standards of moral goodness or good character, eh?) He pardonned Vietnam draft dodgers – and why not? Fucking hell, are you kidding me with that shit? How is that even a fucking criticism? Vietnam was a fucking horror – we had no business being involved at all, nothing about that bullshit was good, or just, or righteous, or useful, and so many lives were wasted due to conscript service (in spite of having ostensibly done away with slavery) – which we ended shortly afterward in favor of an all-volunteer military. I can’t say that I’m at all critical of pardonning human beings who refused to go to war. I’ve been to war (as a volunteer in a powerful army), and it sucks. You know people kill and die in wars, right? So… yeah. As a young (conservative) thinker, I basically just spouted the “Jimmy Carter was a bad president” bullshit I heard from other people. I’m not sure I agree with it now – because I don’t think I know enough to say such a thing in an informed way. I do know one thing; he proved himself over time to be one of the most generally ethical, decent, and good human beings to have ever occupied the Oval Office.

…Americans don’t tend to elect good, decent, ethical people to political office. There’s something to be learned from that, and it’s probably important…

I shake it off as I dress for the day. I let it go, again, as I drive to the office. (My walk got derailed by a traffic accident on the highway between the turn to go to the office, and the trailhead; I chose to let that go too, avoiding a hassle.)

The office is comfortable, if a bit chilly. I’m finding myself having to “let that go” over and over again, though, as little things surface and annoy me for some moment. None of it “important” in this immediate moment for me as one human being here, now… all of it feeling somehow “important” in a larger picture of what makes life generally worth living, and how best to extend that experience to 100% of all of everyone (and why the ever-loving-fuck is that not obviously the goal for all of us??) I sigh, and remind myself that in spite of humanity’s everyday bullshit and nastiness – Jimmy Carter found reasons to be a good person. Like, all the fucking time, daily, in spite of the shit he took for not being the “good president” (bad human being) that people seemed inclined to want him to be – that’s something worth examining more closely, and learning from. At least, I think so myself.

People are dicks (often). People can be mean (damnably so). People do unforgiveable heinous things to each other (unrepentantly). People are violent (mercilessly). Sometimes it’s hard to remember that they are choosing – and I can choose differently, myself. That’s the important takeaway for me; I can walk my own path. I can be the woman I most want to be. I can choose to be a better person today than I was yesterday – every day. It’s not for me to decide your path – or anyone else’s – and I don’t have to cave to pressure and become something monstrous simply because someone else has, or because it is trending, or because it can be rationalized given enough time, money, and excuses. I can choose – in fact, I don’t really get an option on that; I have and will choose, again and again. What those choices are is very much an individual decision. I will become what I practice. That’s unavoidable. That I do have a choice simply gives me the freedom to be something better than my nature, perhaps.

I sigh and sip my coffee. I glance at a news article shared by a coworker about some jackass saying something pretty horrible in response to something else pretty ugly. Fuuuuck. I’m glad I’m not that guy. I’d choose differently. I smile to myself quietly, and just a little sadly; Jimmy Carter died, and the world is just a little less good because of his passing. I hope I’ve learned something from the example(s) that he set…

It’s time to begin again.