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Less Than Ideal is Okay Too

February 8, 2024 //
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I’m groggy. I slept less than ideally well. The commute into the office was… fine. Traffic was heavy, and seemed peculiarly fast. I felt like I was running late (I wasn’t) and my timing even now feels a bit “off”. It’s less than ideal, just generally. I feel mostly comfortable in my skin, although I’m having to work to manage the pain I’m in this morning. It’s okay. It could be worse. My Traveling Partner woke me around 2:00 a.m., annoyed to be awake and letting me know that. I admit it, I was aggravated about being awakened (particularly since I wasn’t having the best night as it was, myself), but he was a super sweetheart 100% after that moment of annoyance, and it was lovely to see him before I left for work. The annoying moment and being awakened at 2:00 a.m. was less than ideal… but… in the grander scheme of things, it doesn’t amount to much.

…It’s just that kind of day…

Life is a funny mix of ups and downs, trauma and achievement, healing and hurting, convenience and inconvenience, ease and difficulty… and a day or moment that is “less than ideal” may still be pretty fucking fantastic in most regards, and surely isn’t “bad”. It’s pretty easy to overlook where “less than ideal” actually fits on a curve… think about it. “Less than ideal” is basically everything that isn’t “ideal” a characteristic that can be applied to damned few things. “Ideal” is perhaps not quite “perfect” (and nothing actually is, although some things may seem to get close)…so… “less than ideal”? Yeah, very little of that is going to actually be “bad”. Mostly it’ll end up being pretty fine, and generally okay. Something to think about. Perspective is funny that way.

…I’m still super groggy…

I sip my coffee sort of dragging myself through the morning. I look at my to-do list for today, and I’m surprised that I’ve knocked off easily a third of what I had planned for today, and I’ve only been at it a couple hours. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. The “less than ideal” sense of things is not an indication of success or failure – it’s just a feeling. 😀

I guess I’ll make another cup of coffee and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

The Day Has Come

February 4, 2024 //
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It’s been a lovely couple of days of relaxed solitary time, mostly spent reading and walking on the beach. Time well-spent. I feel refreshed and recharged. I finished a book I wanted to read (I even started it over to get that fully immersed reading experience). I had a chance to miss my Traveling Partner, and I’m eager to return home… my own bed, my own bathroom, my own cooking… and the tremendous joy and delight I take in the company of my partner. I miss all of that, and I’m eager to be home once more.

I’m already packed (all but my computer bag, for obvious reasons), and there’s very little left to do besides take the last items to the car, and go. I’m enjoying the morning. My coffee this morning is less awful than yesterday’s was. I’ll have a slightly better one once the “breakfast bar” is open. (It will reliably have coffee better than what the drip machine in the room will make.) Better still, I’ll grab a genuinely good cup of coffee on my way out of town.

Last night I was still on the fence about my departure plans… I thought, perhaps breakfast, maybe one more walk on the beach? I nearly always tease myself in this way, but by the time I wake up on the last day of a bit of time away, I’m just ready to go home. lol I’d rather make pancakes or waffles or just scrambled eggs and toast and a really first rate cup of coffee and enjoy them with my Traveling Partner, at this point, and no restaurant experience can really compete with that. Honestly, that’s a really nice feeling to have about a relationship. 😀

I slept well enough, last night, I suppose, though I woke regularly to check the time (I’m clearly eager to go home at this point). I finally just got up, quite a bit earlier than any other day that I’ve been here, and earlier than I do most work days. lol It ‘s not even daylight, yet – not even close. It’s still an hour until the hotel’s breakfast bar opens. I sip my terrible coffee contentedly. It’s a pleasant morning, and I am enjoying the morning and feeling very prepared for the next thing. 😀

So, it’s home to love and routine, and with enough time to prepare for a new work week. I can feel myself shift gears, ever so subtly. It’ll be time to begin again, soon enough, in the meantime, there’s this coffee to drink, and a sunrise to watch… 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

Now

February 1, 2024 //
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The day began earlier than it needed to, and I am okay with it. I’m waiting for daybreak to get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps. Afterwards, I will make a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things he likes (and can make pretty easily), and then do a bit of tidying up before I finally finish packing, load the car, and hit the road for a couple quiet days of (hopefully) restful downtime.

I spend a few minutes meditating. I look over my packing list for obvious omissions. I update my to-do list. I sit quietly, taking note of how my body feels, and “where my head is at”.

My tinnitus is loud today and I am in more pain than usual. I’m physically uncomfortable, but I also feel pretty good emotionally, and generally quite merry and eager to face the day. Learning to hold space for these very different experiences at the same time took a long time to learn, and longer still to recognize the value in doing so, but so worth it. Being able to acknowledge and enjoy what’s going well in spite of what’s going poorly is a way of preventing shitty experiences or feelings from wrecking my entire moment (or day). Handy, considering how often I am in pain.

I take a breath and sigh as I exhale. It’s early, but I go ahead and take something to help manage my pain. Self-care is important to my own well-being, sure, and it’s also something I can do to support my relationships; miserable people make other people miserable, too. I’m not miserable with pain yet, but I could easily become so, and that’d be a crappy way to start off on a few days solo.

I’ve packed my paint box. My camera is ready, too. I’ve put the Lord of the Rings “Return of the King” in my bag, planning to finish it. There’s very little packing left to do (my CPAP, my pillow, things I was using during the night mostly). I’m really down to doing things to maximize my Traveling Partner’s comfort and convenience while I am gone. I take a moment to sit in quiet contemplation; I am so grateful to have a partner who is comfortable with me taking a few days solo now and then, and who truly supports my emotional wellness.

I smile, thinking about how much I know I will miss my partner, even though I am choosing to be away, and really need this time. I also know I will return home eagerly and happy to see him, and to love and be loved. It’s useful perspective to miss each other now and then.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Soon it will be daybreak. Soon it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Countdown to Solitude

January 31, 2024 //
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Some people are not at all into being alone. Solitude can be nerve-wracking for people who don’t like being alone. I’m not one of those people. Quite the contrary, some of my easiest most relaxed and comfortably contented moments are those when I am alone. I enjoy a solitary hike more than I enjoy companionship on the trail, and even the distant presence of others within view is a subtle irritant when I am most craving solitude. It’s beyond the irritation that is the sound of voices… it’s almost as if the mere presence of another human consciousness is too much for mine. It’s a little weird, because human primates are social creatures – even me. I just happen to have a strong liking for solitude, and a relatively high need for it, from a basic self-care perspective. Yes, yes, I know; it’s likely a trauma thing, but honestly that’s neither here nor there when it comes time to care for this fragile vessel in practical terms.

I’m sipping my coffee and counting down the hours; tomorrow I head to the coast for a couple days of quiet solitude. I’ll have my paints with me, my camera, and I’ll be near to a couple of favorite trails, and miles and miles of walkable beach. I’ll bring Lord of the Rings (books) – maybe I’ll finish it? I’ll sleep in (maybe) and nap (probably), and my life will not be constrained by clocks or calendars or lengthy to-do lists. It’ll just be me, being. I’m looking forward to it. Like… a lot.

…Funny… I’m also aware that I’ll miss my Traveling Partner the entire time I’m gone (which is okay, we gain a lot of perspective on how deeply we love each other when we have a chance to miss each other now and then)…

Yesterday’s unexpected almost-Spring weather of breezy sunshine and mild temperatures has given way to stormy gray clouds and intermittent rain. This does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for tomorrow’s drive, or the coastal weekend ahead; rain or shine a view of the ocean is a marvelous change of scenery. When I go to this favorite location, I often leave the balcony door open wide to the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves crashing in for hours. If it’s chilly weather, I put on layers. I love to listen to the sound of the seashore. (Funny how different from each other the Atlantic and Pacific coasts sound. Funnier still that they both remind me of my Granny, and times we spent on the seashore together.) Being on the coast, near the seashore with a view of the ocean, really does something to replenish and recharge me. Similar-but-different to forested getaways or visits to vast plains or deserts; they each have something to offer the solitary traveler.

…I used to think I might like to take a cruise, then I really considered being crowded into a huge floating city with thousands of very human strangers and… um… no. That actually doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Too much people-ing. lol

So, yeah, the countdown to solitude has commenced in earnest… tonight I’ll pack my paints in my paint box for portability. Tomorrow… everything else, and a trip to the store for my Traveling Partner so he can also comfortably chill and enjoy some time on his own terms without having to fuss over groceries. The plan is made, and so are the reservations. 😀 It’s almost time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

A Trickle of Happy

January 30, 2024 //
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I’m drinking my coffee before I start work. I am feeling contented and relaxed. Strange morning. Some sound or something woke me briefly at something like 03:35 this morning. I looked at the clock, turned over, and went back to sleep. The lights (of my silent alarm) don’t come on until 05:00; I had time to sleep, more. I sank into a deep dream. My Traveling Partner’s voice saying… something… roused me a bit some time later. I heard the door click closed, and woke thinking I must be running late (damned dreams) and sat upright abruptly, forgetting I had a CPAP mask on and very nearly dragging the machine to the floor as I sat up. Comical, later, but in the moment mostly just confusing for my groggy brain. I rose, dressed, and made my way through something like my morning routine, before kissing my Traveling Partner and leaving for work. All rather ordinary, really, but…

…It was a bit earlier than usual, and I was definitely not “running late”. LOL Nice commute, very little traffic.

I’ve been enjoying a fairly spectacular few days for the last little while. A week? More? It’s just been rather nice at home, and yeah even at work. I feel… mostly contented, generally merry, and frequently joyful. My Traveling Partner and I are enjoying each other quite a lot. (If you’re in a loving relationship, yourself, you probably know there are some ups and downs, and it’s not all “ice cream and blowjobs” all the time.) It’s rather like the cold-brew filter of my heart is drip-drip-dripping happiness into my experience all the time, a little bit at a time, and it’s been adding up. It’s quite lovely. I sip my coffee and reflect on my joys and precious moments shared with my Traveling Partner.

…Yesterday was a weird one. Not a bad day, and remarkable primarily because it was (and is) more or less a blur. I got to the office, sat down, answered an email before I even made coffee (it seemed to want to be answered promptly)… next thing I new the day was ending, it was hours later, and although I’d gotten a lot done, nothing at all stood out about the day, as if I simply hadn’t formed any memories of the moments of lifetime that had been consumed by work. I mean, I guess I didn’t. As I said; it’s a blur. I see my checklist has many items checked off, and I review it with care; my “today” will build off that list and awareness of what has already been completed, and what is yet to be done… short week, with my long weekend trip coming up quickly.

Last night my Traveling Partner asked about my itinerary and timing. He looked a bit disappointed to realize I’ll be leaving on Thursday, but I set up my trip to maximize my downtime, and minimize the impact to him/us; I’ll get two days off work, and spend just one weekend day away, returning home on Sunday to enjoy the day with him (and get a few things done before the work week begins). Evenings apart can have some lonely moments, though… I sip my coffee and think about offering a Zoom call or something for Friday or Saturday night. By Saturday evening I know we’ll be missing each other a lot. I fret for a minute over whether he’s really going to be able to care for himself (still recovering from his injury) sufficiently well to be okay on his own… but… he’s a grown-ass man, very capable, and would 100% tell me, and ask for my help (or to change my plans) if he needs me. He’s pretty good at “using his words” where that sort of thing is concerned (for which I’m highly grateful). He knows I need the downtime. Work has been intense. Life has been filled with effort. I’m tired and a bit overwhelmed by “all the people-ing”. A couple days solo is good for me – but the weather is not yet great for camping. So, a trip to the coast it is. This time I’ll bring my paints along. 😀

As I finish my coffee, I take a breathe, sigh, and hope today isn’t such a blur. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter
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