Archives for category: The Art of Being

I’m sipping my coffee and enjoying the quiet hours before the work day begins. I woke with a stuffy head, and started my morning with a long hot shower, which helped immensely. I definitely have more difficulty with anxiety when I have difficulty breathing! (How very mammalian of me.) My voice is a little “froggy” – I notice when I greeted my Traveling Partner (I think I woke him when I got up…?). I find myself wondering if I’ve managed to pick up a head cold somewhere… ? Well, it is January, and there is still a nasty pandemic raging all around us. (I remind myself to mask up if I go out.)

New year, new beginning. The holiday decorations are all packed up and ready to go back up into the attic space for another year. I’m pleased with how compact and tidy they are.

A clear indication that the holidays are over.

At the end of last year I switched up my meds, and I’ve noticed that I seem a bit… clumsier? Less precise in my movements in very subtle ways, at least. It shows in unexpected bumps, bangs, and things unexpectedly dropped. I can count on one hand the number of holiday ornaments I’ve broken as an adult over decades of celebrating the yule season… and one of those was this year. 😦 It was an antique glass bell ornament that I remember seeing on the family Christmas tree as a child. I was saddened but not “struck down” over it. From the perspective of this moment, here, now, that feels like amazing growth.

It’s not a tragedy, just a small loss.

New year, new beginnings. I’m making a point to walk more, and I’ve returned (comfortably and easily) to previously practiced practices that really help me stay fit. Simple changes like parking as far from the door of a place I intend to shop as I can within their parking lot, for example, really add up over time. I’m allowing life to be “less convenient”, simply to get more steps in and exert more effort. It works surprisingly well. The more I do, the more I can do. Bit “late in the game”, sure, but every small change adds up. Details like walking further from the car to the store, and having to get up for the remote (every time, because I put it too far away to reach), and not trying to “make one trip” when I unload the car – those are tiny details that often get worked precisely in the “other direction” as we master adulthood – more ease, more convenience. Cooking real food from fresh ingredients takes so much more effort than a quick trip for fast food. Giving up convenience 100% means exerting more effort. More effort is more calories burned, more movement, and, over time, more fitness.

I’m quite a bit heavier than I’d ideally like to be. My goals are practical and health/longevity focused, and I try to keep them achievable, so small steps first makes sense. I’ve got dumbbells at home and I use them. There are trails and pavement all around for getting more miles on my boots. I’m even getting back to healthier eating habits and foods that support my health.

A recent weekend breakfast, simple and nourishing.

My focus on improving my sleep seems to be paying off, and I am getting better quality rest in the hours that I sleep. Win! 😀 None of this is costly. Most of this comes without a direct cost, for many people. (Let’s note that it can be quite a bit more expensive to buy fresh good quality ingredients for cooking wholesome food, and kitchen gadgets are not cheap, either.)

Have you noticed that I’m not talking about this stuff in terms of “resolutions”? Yeah… resolutions in that classic American-New-Years-y sense just don’t really work for me. They get dropped along the way, and by the end of February they’re just a memory of an intention once formed and never fulfilled. LOL I prefer to think in terms of making change and practicing practices. Seems to work out for me far more often. When it doesn’t? I can more simply shrug off that “false start” and begin again. No guilt, no shame, no awkwardness. 😀 My results vary – I know that, and I plan on it, account for it, and don’t take it personally.

How about a New Year’s book recommendation? I’ll be adding this one to my reading list once I’m finished reading it myself… Have you read The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck? The author, Mark Manson, provides an excerpt on his website. Not gonna lie, it’s a very approachable take on mindfulness basics, and a usefully practical approach to what could be called “secular Buddhism” for 21st century humans. So far I’m finding it helpful, useful, and wholly entertaining. I’d definitely sit down for a coffee with the author and enjoy a conversation if the opportunity came up. 😀

Anyway. If you haven’t already, what are you waiting for? Isn’t it time to begin again?

Sipping my coffee and feeling a tad sluggish and disengaged this morning. I am contemplating all the many things I think want to do, experience, or change. From this vantage point of “feeling disengaged”, it suddenly seems quite overwhelming to want to both “be very good at my work” and also “improve my fitness and emotional wellness”. Fuuuuuck… there are a lot of verbs wrapped up in those two things, and my list is longer than those! Suddenly I just want to walk on a beach somewhere – hot or cold – and just be. I feel… exhausted. Makes no sense. I’m resting, aren’t I? My sleep is okay, isn’t it? I sigh out loud in this quiet place where my day has started.

…I check my fitness tracker for data, instead of relying on impressions and emotions…

Over the past month I’ve averaged 7 hours or so of sleep per night, and the change in medication has resulted in the sleep I get being much more restful. That’s good news. Looking closer I also see that there are a couple noteworthy outliers – nights that I slept more than 9 hours. When I eliminate those (3 nights), the average amount of sleep I’m actually getting is only 6 hours. Endurable but not ideal (for me personally). Okay, so maybe I really am tired. No point taking fatigue personally.

I find myself imagining driving some great distance and parking alongside a sunny meadow on a quiet lane and napping in my car. lol To be “nowhere doing nothing” sounds incredibly enticing right now.

…I find myself “in this place” kind of a lot…

I take a breath. I grab a bottle of water. I stretch. I think about fitness and emotional wellness – maintaining my health sort of allows everything else to fall into place more easily, and keeps challenges feeling quite manageable, generally. The changes to my medication have done a lot of reduce my anxiety and improve my energy and the quality of my rest. What am I missing? Exercise? I’m getting more of that too – and it feels good. A healthy diet? Definitely eating a more healthy diet, and it shows. I’m even drinking more water. So… what’s missing?

Cognitive rest matters more than I sometimes think about. Not just sleep, but actually giving my brain sufficient “down time” to process buffered information, and to rest/recharge/rebuild – and I’m pretty bad about making sure I get enough of that sort of rest. The new medications help, but I go from the cognitive busy-ness of a work day to the cognitive busy-ness of hearing about everything going on in the shop for my Traveling Partner, and then pump additional information into my head through my eye balls on top of that. Day after day, night after night – and I’m doing it without quite enough sleep. It’s too much, and it’s that simple. This need for (and lack of) cognitive rest is the primary driver of most of my trips out to the coast, my camping trips, and my time out on some trail with my camera. I’m just seeking internal quiet.

Giving myself a few minutes in the morning to really think about what I need to thrive, and listen to the woman in the mirror, goes a long way to meet the need for stillness… but it’s not “a cure”. This morning, I get to the end of my “me time” with a yawn, and a third cup of coffee.

It’s time to begin again.

This too shall pass? I know it’s real – I sometimes wish it weren’t.

I’m sipping coffee on a pleasant Wednesday. No stress. Just a “regular work day”… only, like I said, no stress. It’s nice. I’m in the office today, mostly because I’ve got an afternoon appointment at the VA, and it’s more convenient this way. Partly because it’s Wednesday… which has turned out to be a first rate day to come in to the office, then run errands on the way home that would be out of the way under other circumstances (but are quite convenient driving back from this location). The morning unfolds gently. I’m first into the office. I catch up on things, make a pot of coffee for colleagues who will arrive shortly, and pour a cup for myself. The cityscape beyond the window by my desk is just beginning to show hints of daylight – the sky is gray and overcast. One day of many, so far a good one.

…This too shall pass… it sounds ominous on a good day. LOL It’s just as real as pointing it out on a difficult day, though. I let the aphorism remind me to slow down and really savor this pleasant morning. Enjoy the journey. Take time to take time. Breathe, exhale, relax – and let the smile on my face reflect the contentment and joy in my heart.

What the hell, though? What’s with the merriment ‘n shit this morning? No idea. I just feel pretty good. Pain? Sure. Managed. Headache? Yeah, that too, and it was what woke me shortly before my alarm would have gone off. Rough. Still a good morning. Appointment anxiety about the CT scan later? Not much, no, it’s just an appointment to get an image done. There’s nothing much to fuss over, and work is comfortably planned and organized in front of me. That appointment, from this vantage point, is a fairly distant concern of little consequence. So, I sip my coffee with a smile. It’s enough.

Don’t forget to pause and really take note of the good times. Small joys matter, too. Maybe more than our biggest fears and stressful moments. “Filling my tank” on these pleasant experiences allows me to become more resilient in the face of less ideal circumstances. (This has always been true, although there was a time when I did not know it, and missed the opportunity to nurture and support myself from within.)

I load a playlist and begin again.

I am awake. No reason. I crashed hard, earlier. My Traveling Partner called it a night a short time later. We enjoyed quite a lovely day together. An auspicious start to the new year.

No idea why I am awake right now. I am not even sleepy, for the moment. I read awhile. Do some yoga. Meditate. Still not sleepy. I lay quietly with my thoughts. There’s no stress or anxiety. I will probably read awhile longer and try to sleep again a bit later.

…What a nice day… my mind begins to wander, thoughts becoming more surreal as I start to drift off…

Another morning. Another cup of coffee. I woke with a song in my head. Yesterday was an okay day followed by a pleasant evening. Another peculiarly short night, though. I fell asleep, but woke shortly after, and read awhile until I was sleepy again – around midnight. I woke feeling a bit groggy, but sufficiently rested to push through another day.

I am thinking over some things I’d like to change (in my routine, in my environment, in my day-to-day experience of myself, or in my relationship). Success is dependent on practice, which leans hard on committing to a goal and a willingness to fail hard and begin again as often as necessary. It helps to set a careful well-considered pace to such things. Experience suggests a lot of “new year’s resolutions” fail because we are so prone to over-committing initially, then failing to practice. lol

One thing I definitely plan to work on is continuing to improve my approach to self-care and making a point to put myself at the top of my to-do list. Such a small thing – it sounds so easy. lol I regularly disappoint myself on this one, though. I’ll go out of my way to do some little thing for my Traveling Partner, but persist in short-changing myself when I shop, make decisions, and manage my time. It’s weird. I don’t think it’s unusual or uncommon, though. I’m not waiting on January 1st, either.

This year? I gave a lot of thought to something nice I could do for myself (that would have potential to be a nice quality of life boost generally, too) – I settled on a little something in the kitchen. I am enjoying improving my cooking. Decided to “level up” the quality of my pots and pans, as a token of my enjoyment, appreciation, and celebration of progress. “Something nice for myself.” Some careful shopping and a short wait later, and last night a couple of gleaming new beautiful high-quality stainless steel cookware items arrived, replacing the problematic non-stick cookware I’ve been using. Another sort of new beginning. 😀

…Even made in America…

I made additional commitments to myself:

  1. New cookware in? The old item it replaces goes out. (Non-negotiable)
  2. Any old non-stick cookware that isn’t used at least once in the next six months? It goes. (Clears clutter)
  3. Take the kind of care of the new stainless cookware that I aspire to take of myself. (Living metaphor to reinforce self-care practices)

Small things. Small changes. Practice leads to incremental change over time. 🙂 I smile and finish my coffee. This feels like progress. I think about dinner…

I begin again.