Archives for posts with tag: be here now

If That Briefcase Is Full of Old Business It’s Just Baggage

November 7, 2019 //

I’ve been enjoying some lovely mornings with my Traveling Partner, instead of writing, knowing that our mortal time is precious, and too brief. As it happens, he’s traveling, this very morning, and although he is in my thoughts, he won’t be around to have coffee with me tomorrow morning. I’m feeling pretty content with having deviated from my routine for a couple days, to enjoy his charm and good company. This morning? Less than ideal for entirely circumstantials reasons, and although we hugged in passing, it was more a “Tag! You’re it!” sort of thing, a kiss, a hug, and I headed for the office, and he headed for the airport some short time later. I already miss his smile, his scent, his humor, and his good heart. 🙂

…What was less than ideal was mostly that we were out of coffee, so not only did I not have coffee in the morning, I couldn’t even offer him a cup made-to-order, upon his awaking to greet the day. :-\ Wholly disappointing on so many levels. Waiting until I get to work to have my first cup of coffee is definitely “less than ideal”. Not a fan. It’s even my own fault; I got distracted by news that he’d be flying out this morning, as I was heading home last night, and simply forgot to stop for coffee beans. It was on my mind. I’d committed in advance to taking care of it at a favorite spot downtown, so he focused on preparing for travel. Thus… no coffee. Damn it. Still, in all other respects, a lovely enough morning, and an acceptably positive start to the day.

Now? Now I am putting thought into this moment, this life, and a short list of tasks I committed to taking care of while he’s away – and a whole weekend ahead to do it. 🙂 Smiling, thinking about love…

I stood outside in the cold, taking my break, getting some fresh air and life perspective, as dawn became day, and found myself contemplating sufficiency, and love, and progress, and forward momentum, individual and shared successes… and I could almost hear old baggage hitting the pavement. I felt myself letting go, giving myself closure on a couple of prior relationship aggravations that still pained me, that I had continued to struggle with. It didn’t amount to “forgiveness” – maybe this just wasn’t about that? It was more that I could really appreciate, on this cold autumn morning, that the ends of those relationships really did free me to elevate (and, paradoxically, to deepen) this one that I value so greatly. Particularly with regard to consideration of an ex who relished tearing people down, who seemed to have so much power to hold us (my Traveling Partner and I) both back in life, through chronic gaslighting, narcissistic manipulation, pitting us against each other, petty jealousy and drama (and much, much more!)… and there I stood, on this magical autumn morning, clear skies, cold breezes, feeling… free. Free of her bullshit, free of her drama, and sort of chuckling to myself about how incredible all our lives together could have been, if she had been… someone else. lol Not her fault… just her choices. (Mine, too, I’m not inclined to overlook the power of my own decision-making, and one of the best I made was walking on from that tedious, painful, regrettable relationship before the damage was worse than it was.) We’re each so human. I’m sure she sees herself as entirely blameless, perhaps even “the good guy” – and this morning, any possible perception of injustice in that likelihood simply stopped mattering at all. Irrelevant to the point of being distant, and almost fictional. She has no power over me. Even her memory is faded, stale, and impotent.

The smile on my face as I returned to work almost hurt. A merry grin, innocent, content, and free… it feels good to put down some of that baggage, after so long, and to be here, now, and wrapped in love.

…Another opportunity to begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, C you next Tuesday, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, Exes and Oh No's, experience, good bye Felicia, good riddance to bad baggage, I am my own cartographer, is that a briefcase you're carrying or just a lot of baggage?, laughing about you now, love, love and lovers, MBSR, my success doesn't include your drama, OPD, over it, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, putting down the baggage, relationships, so over you, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?, you have no power over me

Categories autumn, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, women, Words

It’s Like an Occupation Up In Here

November 1, 2019 //

One thing I routinely find myself struggling with (and I use the word “struggling” very specifically, aware that there is definitely a better way, and other practices), and struggling rather unsuccessfully, is getting enough “cognitive space” and cognitive rest to really be rested, and really get what I need out of my own mental bandwidth. It’s hard. All day, when I’m at work, continuous input, stimulation, and other human voices. Then, at home, my only opportunities to connect and be close with my partner have to come out of whatever time is also left for me to care for myself, to take care of hearth and home, and finally, if I’ve left myself anything at all – time to simply be. To reflect, and to meditate. I too often find myself either left without adequate clarity of thought; distracted from my own by the world, or those dear to me, or commonplace noise… and distracted from those distractions by my own persistent attempts to read what interests me, or sit with my thoughts, or plan, or consider the future… and, those attempts are distracted by all the things that preceded them… and around and around, until I am dizzy and short-tempered, and unable to form correct sentences, or really understand what I’m hearing…

…It is 100% a crappy experience, and deeply fatiguing. People end up becoming impatient with me, and by that point, I already can’t adequately explain myself, through my frustration, and theirs.

I’m not particularly skilled at dealing with this. There are no pleasant ways to say “not now, I need to be there for me, myself, right now, and this is too much” without somehow communicating rejection. It’s hard to tell someone I care about, who is super excited about what is going on in their experience, that I need to also enjoy my own, for me, and that I’m running out of room to do that, somehow. It’s boundary-setting I need to do for myself… and I’m honestly fairly terrible at it, generally not wanting to be “a buzzkill” or seem disinterested… I do my best, whatever that is, in the moment, and it often feels inadequate; everyone wants to be heard. I even know this. I just don’t know how to definitely be fully present and 100% engaged with someone else, when I also need to ensure I am doing the same for me.

I’m sitting here frustrated and angry with myself. I’m still a bit ill, which isn’t helping. I isolated myself rather than continue to piss off someone who matters to me so much, but… I seem unable to put the time to any better use than this; bitching about my frustration that I am so challenged by this particular puzzle. How do I both be fully present for everyone else, all the time, and also do so for myself? How does this work? When is “my time” for me? And I’m not asking that rhetorically to drive an emotional point, or express resentment – this is a sincere and gently intended question – when is that time?

I haven’t been sleeping deeply for quite a long time. Even when my sleep tracker tells me I am getting enough hours of sleep, very little of it is deep sleep, almost none of it is continuous. I am mostly getting interrupted light sleep. How do I treat myself better? Would I be having the same frustrations in ordinary interactions with other people, if I were sleeping better? What does that take? Why am I having these challenges?

I know it isn’t helping that I’ve been taking OTC symptom relievers for this cold. I foolishly let my partner talk me into taking Sudafed yesterday, too. Experience tells me that some of my experience right now, emotionally, is likely an unwelcome after-effect of yesterday’s cold medications. Why isn’t it easier to hold that thought in my real-time consciousness when I am interacting with other people?

More questions than answers tonight. I feel the tears that want so much to fall. I refuse to accommodate them out of self-directed pique, maybe a bit of personal spite with myself. I hear my partner put on music he knows is “everything to me”… I find myself wondering what he means by it, and whether he understands this music the way I do. Probably not; we’re each having our own experience. How human. Still… I assume positive intent. I know he loves me. If nothing else, it’s a gesture, a hand extended across a divide. A moment of shared experience. A chance to begin again, together.

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, love and lovers, love me do, meditation, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, TBI, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, health, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5

Here’s the Thing, Though

October 30, 2019 //

Good moments pile up, if I let them. It can be a worldview-altering experience, if I’m open to it. 🙂 (Your results may vary.)

I’m sipping my coffee and thinking over last night. I’m awake a bit early. I woke ahead of the alarm, simply aware that I was awake. Wide awake. So… I got up. 🙂

Yesterday’s cold weather was “the first day of arthritis season” in all the worst ways, and I was in too much pain to go out, although I wanted to, and my Traveling Partner was eager to, himself. I hated to disappoint him, and seriously considered just doing it, anyway, figuring maybe the experience would overcome the pain…? I was pretty miserable, though, and thought better of it, choosing better self-care instead, on this occasion. His job may take him out of town again, soon, any time… I worry about “wasting the opportunity”, and then realize how “FOMO” that sounds… lol Adulting is so hard. 😉

I sit sipping my coffee wondering if I am under-dressed for the weather…? I shrug it off; once I’m in the office, I’ll be quite comfortable. 🙂 It’s probably my last good chance to wear this blouse to work before the weather turns “seriously cold” (c’mon, it’s Portland, Oregon, and “cold” is fairly relative – but it is 32 (F) this morning). I’m enjoying the experience of wearing dressier clothes for work… I didn’t think I would. In all the years since I left the Army, I’ve never taken a job that required me to (and am not required to now), and it’s appropriate for the job, my circumstances, all that sort of thing… I just don’t have to, so I hadn’t been. I’m enjoying it way more than I ever expected to.

I chuckle noticing my dress pants already don’t fit as well as they did when I bought them, less than two weeks ago (two weeks? that’s all??). That’s a “problem” I’m okay having. Losing a few pounds would be good, being fitter would be good, and this appears to be heading that direction. 😀

I feel as good, and as comfortable, this morning, as I can imagine feeling. I hope the feeling lasts, but of course “this too shall pass” also applies to this moment, as much as any other. I eye the warm fleece zip-up jacket I’ll wear as a coat this morning, and think about shopping for a new winter coat. Overdue. I check over my everyday carry items, in my head (keys, cards, purse, phone, vape, batteries for my vape, juice for my vape, hey – a lightweight winter base layer I could slip on under dress pants, just in case I am colder than I expect…), then double-check my backpack to make sure I have everything. I’m minutes away from another new beginning, a fresh, unspoiled day, filled with potential.

Sometimes this whole “adulthood” thing is pretty okay… I smile, finish my coffee, and begin again. 🙂

Tags arthritis pain, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, cold autumn morning, EDC, emotional self sufficiency, finding another way, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, osteo arthritis, pain management, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?, winter base layer under dress pants

Categories autumn, Free Will, health, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

The Absolute Worst

October 22, 2019 //

I’m sipping my coffee, and pondering how it is that so much of the absolute worst of what humanity is capable of makes the news, but the best of what humanity has to offer often does not? Why are we so hung up on directing precious (monetized) views, likes, clicks, and shares of the worst garbage and horror that humanity can devise? Where is the good news? The kindness? (And omg, why aren’t goodness and kindness and compassion and happy endings more news worthy??)

…I move on from that, closing the browser tab with the news on it. I feel pretty much that “I already know all this” and honestly don’t need to be reminded of how horribly human beings are capable of treating each other; I already strive to do better than that – even better than I have done, myself, the previous day, every day. Nope. I’m not perfect. I’m not even going there. We’ve literally all got room to grow. 🙂

What can I do, today, to make the world just the tiniest bit better, myself, through my own efforts? It’s a good question. I sit with it awhile, sipping my coffee.

How about you? What are you doing to be the person you most want to be? Anything? It’ll take verbs, you do know that, right? “…Do no harm…” may not be enough. It may be utterly necessary to take active measures to do good in the world. To do good, even in your own life… feels like it should be easy and obvious…but… what about those acts that are done from good intention, that have poor results? That’s a thing. What do you do to prevent those missteps? How do you know that what you do to live your values, to “stay in the lines” ethically, to “do good” is truly enough? What’s “doing your best” really made of?

I sip my coffee and filter my thoughts through the lens of my work, professionally. I keep sipping my coffee, and thinking. Adulthood is complicated.

I get my “every day carry” together for another work day. (Yesterday I forgot my work badge to get into the building. Hilarity ensued.) Today, I’ll do better to be the woman I most want to be. I didn’t do badly, yesterday, it was a good day. I can still do better. I run the clock back on my day, gently, and think it over, looking for choices I could have made differently, and words I could have used with more skill. Thankfully, I have time to begin again, and that’s definitely worth doing. 🙂

…Oh hey, look at the time… 😉

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, do better do good, emotional self sufficiency, experience, MBSR, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Some Days Are Easy

October 18, 2019 //

Funniest thing about “easy” days for me; they’re not really different, in most respects, from “hard days”. Oh sure, maybe some different circumstances, and definitely a different “feel” to them, but often the routine details are quite similar to any other day, and all the days have the same number of hours, begin and end with a point in time, and require quite a lot of the same work, using the same assortment of verbs. So… what makes today so “easy”? Well… for starters, it’s only just now a few minutes before 6:00 am… so… truly it’s a bit early to make a judgment call about whether the day is difficult or easy, isn’t it? Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. LOL

Actually, any number of small choices may make this day as easy as the morning has been. 🙂 Aaaannnd… my Traveling Partner is back home and in my arms today! Well… almost today. Tonight. Likely shortly after midnight, so… almost tomorrow. lol By itself, his homecoming puts a shine on a day that it might otherwise lack. 😀

Other things add to the experience of ease. I kind of slept in, waking a short time ago to some random noise that was not my alarm clock. I took today off, specifically to avoid being exhausted or out of sorts when my partner gets home; I may nap in the afternoon, so that I can more easily stay up late enough to enjoy his homecoming. Small things make a big difference sometimes, too; I’ve kept the house tidy and cared for, so there need not be any sort of “I want to impress you” scramble to do housework at the last minute. (Good use of time and verbs by maintaining my space tidily – I do enjoy order and tidiness. lol) So, yeah, today already feels easy. It’s even a pay day, and I’m home, and I can take care of a few things in a relaxed way, and have more weekend time to spend with my partner, too!

Yep. Easy day. It’s a feeling. 🙂

I smile at my “to do list” – it’s short. Regular pay day sorts of things, and a short grocery list. I add “gas up the Mazda” to my list, and “sweaters?”. I double-check the grocery list and make sure that my Traveling Partner comes home to a well-stocked pantry; our tastes differ somewhat, and I enjoy taking a moment to consider his preferences.

Omg! He’s really home today! My enthusiasm for his homecoming is adoring – and potentially excessive. lol I laugh at myself out loud in the stillness of early morning, and sip my coffee, grinning. I know by the time he actually arrives, I’ll have burned through some of this energy working down my short list, and maybe, later, taking time out of the day for a lovely walk, if the weather is not rainy. (Maybe even if it is – it’s not really “about” that. lol)

I look around the house, adding a couple small tasks to my list, as I continue to sip my coffee. My face hurts from smiling, and noticing, I wonder if I had been smiling in my sleep, too. lol I feel rested and merry. Damn… Wednesday could have used some of this merriment!

My last sip of coffee is… sipless. Shit. Coffee is gone. Literally gone, too, in the sense that I used the last of the coffee beans just this morning. I guess that will fuel the start of my day in earnest, because I definitely want another cup of coffee! I will have to begin the day, and start working the list, to get there… I’m not bitching, though, I mean… I don’t have to cultivate the land, grow the coffee plant, harvest and clean the beans, roast them… I can just “swing by the store for some coffee, be right back”, and my own simple needs are met. 😀 Although… 6:14 am feels just a bit early for grocery shopping. lol Plenty of time for other moments, and other verbs – and more smiling. 😀

I smile before I write it…

It’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, love, love and lovers, meditation, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

If That Briefcase Is Full of Old Business It’s Just Baggage

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It’s Like an Occupation Up In Here

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Here’s the Thing, Though

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The Absolute Worst

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Some Days Are Easy

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