Archives for posts with tag: be the change

Nothing to Say Here…

December 13, 2016 //

I woke with a headache, to the sound of the alarm. I’m sipping my coffee quietly some time later, sort of waiting for words to come to me, which is not my most effective approach to writing. Have I used up all the words? Quite possibly, I suppose… there are only so many. 😉

I recognize, sitting here, that it is more accurate to observe that I’ve got things on my mind I haven’t worked out, yet, and since they are both on my mind and not yet fully considered, I find it difficult to write, generally. There is thinking and feeling to be done! I sit with that awareness awhile. There was a time when either the thinking, or the feeling, could have gotten in the way of living the moments, and I would write steadily throughout, reluctant to fully experience either the thinking or the feelings. Lately I find the participation in life, itself, highly engaging. I find thinking and feeling worthy of contemplation – fearless, fruitful, deep consideration, without rumination. Also without much writing. Later perhaps. There will be time, later.

I sip my coffee, and find it is at just that perfectly comfortable drinking temperature, pleasantly warm, not hot enough to burn my mouth. I finish the cup, and stare into the Giftmas tree for some moments, listening to the aquarium trickling in the background, and my tinnitus ringing, tinging, buzzing, and beeping in the background. (Yes, beeping; a short repeating morse code phrase, as if heard from a distance, quite audible to me though, in a very quite room.)

I make reminders to myself on my calendar: call for a doctor’s appointment, call to cancel a no-longer needed service for my Traveling Partner, make an appointment to get my eyes checked and order new glasses, connect with the realtor about a house I’d like to see. Life. Adulthood. Decades distant from most of the chaos and damage. How then does it still ever have any power to haunt and hurt me so much? Because I choose to allow it? Because that’s the very nature of post-traumatic stress disorder? Because I have a brain injury? Because that’s how our negative bias works? Because we become what we practice, and I’d practiced maintaining that state of things far longer than I’ve yet to practice something different? All of that? More? Other? Sure, okay, even all of that – there are new beginnings within reach, every day. New practices. More time. This life thing truly is a process and a journey; the destination is in the living moments, each one, here, now. 🙂

A second coffee sounds good. There’s time for that. Time for meditation. Time to begin again. The headache sucks, but that too will pass. 🙂 I’m here, now, and I have this moment. It’s enough.

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, meditation, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being

Morning Already?

December 9, 2016 //

I woke a little ahead of the alarm and spent the time meditating. The morning is comfortable, in spite of the slight chill in the room; it is winter, after all, and the nights are colder now. Yesterday’s snow was expected to melt away during the night, but I woke to the ground still mostly covered in white, the parking lot still icy. Go to work? Work from home? I’m glad I have the choice… I don’t yet know what that choice will be. I sip my coffee contentedly.

I am eager for the weekend, although the work week has been pleasant and productive; there are things to do here at home. My TV was recovered after the recent burglary… it still sits on the floor, not yet plugged in. I had hung paintings and arranged holiday decor in the space it once occupied, and I’m finding it strangely difficult to put it back. 🙂

Life, day-to-day, is pretty ordinary stuff… It was fairly recently that I started to understand that it happens that most of life’s happiness and joy is tucked away in the most ordinary things about my life. Chasing the grand, the exotic, the elaborate, the costly… none of that improves the odds on being actually happy, in fact, all the chasing seems to reliably take me a very different direction than “happy”.

I hear cars slowly crackling through the ice in the parking lot as the earliest neighbors leave for work. My turn, soon. I could work from home, but the tasks left for Friday this week will be slow going on a laptop screen. I’d definitely be more efficient, and benefit more from my skills, with the big dual monitors in front of me. The windows are a distraction… less so than having myself comfortably wrapped in Giftmas – I’d probably wander off from working and start baking, forgetting that I am still “on the clock”, a poor choice. Working from home, I’d also lose my walk. Huh. Well that was fairly easy as decisions, go. I’ll at least make the attempt to go in to the office. 🙂

Today? Today is enough. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, everything covered in ice, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, it's only a little bit of winter, make your choice, mindfulness matters, perspective, Portland Snowpocalypse 2016, taking care of me, walk on, walking my own path, winter wonderland

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, The Art of Being, winter

Just a Reminder

December 7, 2016 //

Be kind. Be considerate. Be careful. Be aware. We’re each having our own experience – all in this together, sometimes not completely aware that we are interconnected. We each feel our own pain, sometimes thinking it hurts the most, of anything, ever, forgetting – often – how much other pain exists, and how much suffering there is in the world, generally. We forget to be our best selves, sometimes when it matters most. We forget we can begin again.

Today is a good day for reminders, best practices, consideration, openness, and helping each other out. Today is a good day to share a moment with a friend, and to be kind to strangers. Today is a good day to be and to become, and a good day to embrace change.

Tags ACT, are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Where’d I Put That Soapbox?

December 6, 2016 //

I could write hundreds of words today about how banal and commonplace it has become to spout actual lies and defend them as opinions. There are uncountable examples of it, and it’s easy enough to demonstrate that undermining people’s sense of reality in such a fashion is beyond odious; it’s harmful. This morning, I don’t much feel like deep-diving that grotesque practice of distorting reality.

I could write hundreds of words about Aleppo. About war. About conflict. About lost lives and lost children. Would I even be heard? Would my handful of words “matter”? Verbs, actions, matter more…

This morning I have other things on my mind, closer to home, more personal… A friend, a dear friend, someone I greatly love, has checked himself into a mental health care facility. I feel… concerned. Depression is an ass kicker. Mental illness is still so completely misunderstood by such a great many people. The feelings of isolation, despair, of distance, of agonizing doubt can be actually quite crippling, however illusory. Clawing ones way from that pit of gray fatiguing encompassing bleakness isn’t even a given, however much it seems, from the outside, that it would just be a matter of choosing… something… differently. 😦 I want to fix this. I can’t fix this. It isn’t a matter of words. My actions are not the actions needed here. I struggle. I don’t have to; this one isn’t mine, and I can let it go. Only… fuck. I want to fix this.

I shift gears and chat with my Traveling Partner about modifying equipment. I refrain from making lewd jokes about his “equipment” – however amusing now and then, the chronic, continuous, often completely inappropriate for the circumstances, lewd jokes and innuendos are symptomatic of my injury as much as they are a hallmark of my characteristic behavior… each time I am aware in the moment enough to willfully choose not to make one, I experience a sensation of positive change and growth. There really are times when such things are not welcome; I am learning to recognize that, and to also be able to act on it. Incremental change over time. I think about the handful of friends who might protest that this amusing quirk of mine is something they cherish, and enjoy being entertained by – to which my response could be “so, hey, while you’re being entertained, I’m struggling to keep jobs, relationships, and have comfortable conversations with strangers… so… yeah, I’m working on this”. We each walk our own mile.

Today is a good day to begin again. Every day is. Choose one. Grab a verb. Get walking. You are your most powerful instrument of change. ❤

Tags ACT, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, checking in, checking out, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, just checking, MBSR, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Sleeping and Waking

December 5, 2016 //

I crashed more or less “on time” last night to get the good night of rest I need to start the work week. I slept deeply, and I feel rested now that I am awake. My anxiety woke me unexpectedly, about 90 minutes ahead of the alarm. This morning I didn’t just get up – I didn’t want to. I got up long enough to take my morning medication and pee, and then I went back to bed. To be clear, I had little expectation of additional sleep, and I wasn’t even thinking I needed that – but I did need to have a moment to wake more fully that wasn’t associated with the anxiety that woke me earlier, so I made one. I snuggled down and found comfort, then meditated until I felt ready to rise and greet the day. Nothing fancy was needed, meditation-wise, only the simplest of breath and awareness, allowing myself to become more comfortable in this fragile vessel, and less driven by unexplained emotion.

This morning the day starts with music, and I’m feeling it on the loud side of joy, so it’s headphones this morning; I am fairly certain most of the rest of the neighborhood does not want to begin their Monday the same way. Basic consideration demands I think twice before I crank the bass on the stereo at 5:00 am. 🙂 I listen to DMX tell me how Monday is going to be, and entertainingly imagine past teams of analysts I have worked with striding into some call center or another, in slow motion, looking totally bad ass. lol Why not? Data is the future of… everything. Practical working analysts are the tacticians of that future. Start-of-the-day bad-assery, indeed. lol 🙂 (Most every way of earning a living every contemplated or enacted has value, but finding my own sense of place, and value, in the working world has been a challenge for me. Finding work that does feel valued and valuable has been worthwhile.)

The weekend was restful, nurturing, and filled with moments of simple delight. I baked holiday cookies, did laundry, and invested time in self-care to be fit to face the work week this morning. I watched the rain fall beyond the window, and generally enjoyed my time quietly, solo. I notice, this morning, as I consider the weekend, that I have been disinclined to share my space with friends since the break-in. Even now, I rarely invite anyone in. Even my close neighbors – friends, more than neighbors – are finding themselves having to specifically check on me, because I’ve removed myself from society rather more than I’d noticed. I’m feeling safer, once again, although I no longer trust that feeling. It’s a healthy choice to open up to friends and welcome them into my space again. It’s difficult to get past the wariness. There are obviously verbs involved. 🙂

Today is a good day to enjoy life as it is, with a smile, and a moment of recognition; however good or bad this moment feels right now, it isn’t going to last. Moments are only moments. Impermanence is. Change is. “This too shall pass.” Today is a good day to embrace what works, to enjoy what feels good, to invest in a future that is in some incremental way better than the past, and to remain comfortably aware that life does not stand still. Today I may not change the world, but I can sure change how I feel about it. 🙂

Tags anxiety, are you going my way?, be the change, being and becoming, breathe, change is, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, impermanence is, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, music in the morning, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, this too shall pass, walking my own path

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being

Nothing to Say Here…

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Morning Already?

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Just a Reminder

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Where’d I Put That Soapbox?

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Sleeping and Waking

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