Archives for posts with tag: begin again

The Magic is in Motion

January 6, 2019 //

Sipping my coffee this morning, after an interrupted but generally decent night’s sleep, noticing my anxiety coming and going. Thinking about the practices that have been most effective, specifically, for my anxiety: meditation, long walks (another form of meditation, in a practical sense), consistent self-care, good nutrition, adequate rest… All effective, and taken together the result is often very nearly no anxiety at all. Except… well… this means my wellness, particularly my emotional wellness, relies on a handful of verbs.

Verbs.

Verbs, people. Verbs.

I’m sitting here sipping my coffee, feeling my anxiety surge and recede, again and again, amorphous and not specifically associated with anything obvious. But… what about my practices? My self-care? All the things?? Why am I still anxious??

“Anxiety” 10″ x 14″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic 2011

It could be that I’m anxious because verbs have little power on the printed page, and only evoke their real power once put into action. Seriously. I have not yet put my ass down on my meditation cushion, this morning. Nor have I taken a walk. I haven’t actually taken even one step toward putting a verb properly into motion, quite yet. I’m sitting around in a t-shirt and yoga pants drinking coffee and scrolling through feeds. So. Anxiety? Sure. It’s a thing. I still deal with it. Verbs are only useful when they are actually in use. “Action words” sort of presume that there will be some action. lol

I have some thoughts about what to do with the day. I’m anxious about those notions. I have a “to do list” waiting for my attention. I’m anxious about that, too. Money? Anxiety. Health and fitness concerns? Anxiety. Work? Anxiety. Leisure? Anxiety. Fucking hell. I definitely needs some relevant verbs this morning, and just writing sentences that use them is not going to be particularly helpful. 😉

Looks like I need to begin again, with some verbs. Action words – and actual actions. 🙂 I know what works, but knowledge alone is not going to get the job done (and this is, generally, true in life). Is knowledge truly power? I suppose it depends on what I do with it.

Beautiful momentum.

Time for some verbs. Time to begin again.

Tags anxiety, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, depends on what you do with it, do the verbs, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, meditation, move!, practicing the practices, ptsd, put yourself in motion, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, verbs are action words, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5, weight loss secrets, winter

Endings, Too

January 5, 2019 //

Strange day. Quiet, slightly sad “celebration” of moments, as I packed up all the Giftmas decor and put it away for the year. Uneventful. Fairly routine. It’s been a generally pleasant day spent on “endings”; most new beginnings are preceded by an end of some sort. It’s a thing.

I feel a certain heaviness and sense of ennui. I’m a little bit blue. I’m okay – and even okay with my emotional weather. It’ll pass.

It’s a gray, vaguely wintry day, chilly without quite being cold. Cold enough to be unpleasant to stand around outside. Nonetheless, I did spend some minutes outside on the deck, puzzling over rebuilding my garden after the scorching and neglectful summer. I fed the squirrels. Tidied up a bit.

The afternoon has turned quite gray and dismal, but I’m not certain that’s truly the weather, today, or just the weather I’ve brought along, subjectively. I would nap, but I’m not tired. lol I feel preoccupied, and also lacking in content. Or contentment. So human. As I adjusted the lighting more for evening, I firmly and purposefully (without intention) stubbed my toe on the floor lamp (has a foot switch) that I broke my toe, shearing much of the nail from the nail bed. I created some brand new obscenities for the occasion, never before uttered. lol It is still painful and throbbing some hour later, and has turned a rather amazing shade of deep violet, almost black.

My foot is cold from the ice pack resting on it. I consider the fragility of toes, and how amazing it is that so often we can still walk on the affected foot, even put weight on it. I guess, easily breakable toes are less bothersome or deadly, if one can still get around on them.

I continue to sit with my elevated foot, iced, laptop precariously balanced on my knees. The foot isn’t hurting so much now. Now it is more obvious that the impact also jarred my (bad) ankle. Shit. That’s likely to hurt more longer. I let go of worrying about it; it doesn’t help with anything. I give the evening ahead some thought, and begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, ouch, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved

Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, health, Menopause, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

Sometimes Shit Gets Real

January 4, 2019 //

About that… it’s unavoidable. I’m human. You’re human (well, probably). Life is an extraordinary experience, but one which, for most of us, has quite a few ups and downs, and is a tad more rollercoaster-y than paved level walking path with convenient markers and a map. It’s just not always that easy. Sometimes shit goes very very wrong.

Do you panic? I’ve sure been known to. Life can be scary. I’m fortunate to have a better idea how to handle it than I once did, but… I’ll be honest; I still, now and then, stumble into a circumstance that leaves me feeling more than a little panicked and unprepared.

There are things to do. Steps. Practices. Start with one you know you can rely upon, and go from there. Breathe. First, generally, and most often of greatest value for me, personally; breathe, let it go for a moment, find that stable “observer” that exists within the emotional maelstrom. That’s you. Really you. The rest is window dressing and let’s pretend. Lead with your calm.

That sounds so easy. It’s not always easy. Yesterday I was reminded how not fucking easy that actually is. Having a supportive partner, I was fortunate to have someone to reach out to, to talk things over, to get my bearings. Things turn out fine, generally, and the panic is not helpful or necessary. Still. There was a bit of panic, and indeed, not helpful. lol Hours later, and even after a restful night’s sleep, I still feel the warmth of my partner’s love. I’m grateful to experience a love like this.

I spent the rest of the evening sorting myself out and ensuring my planning account for new circumstances and information. It ends up being a lovely quiet evening, and somehow a new start to a new year, already. Looks like it’ll be a year a new beginnings. I’m okay with that. I’m pretty familiar with beginning again. 😉

I finish my rather crappy cup of coffee with a sheepish smile; it’s enough, and I’m okay with that. It’s time to move on to changes, and practices, and beginnings. 🙂

Where does this path lead?

Tags anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, do over, do something different, emotional self sufficiency, experience, frank and open, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, partnership, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, try again, walking my own path

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

2019? We’ll Need a Piñata

January 2, 2019 //

Although I had intended to write over the long New Year’s holiday…

…I didn’t.

Interesting break from a great many routines. I took time to live life, to reflect on this life I live, to question my choices, gently, to consider new choices to come, to contemplate the path ahead, to let go of expectations, and to clarify assumptions. Productive lifetime in the company of friends, and my Traveling Partner. Solo moments, shared moments, moments of adventure, emotional moments, and a handful of moments of epiphany, all mingling with… moments of pure, lived lifetime. It was lovely.

It was also clearly missing something, but until the moment that 2018 expired, it was less than ideally clear to me what I thought might be missing…

…We really needed a piñata. Seriously. One that could be just beat to fucking death, and explode in a shower of trinkets, mementos, sweets, intoxicants, bits of wisdom gathered through the year, money, glitter and confetti. lol No kidding. I am considering making this a new New Year’s tradition at home. A piñata. 🙂 Something more lasting than a kiss, more visceral than a ball drop, a more powerful metaphor, something a bit physical. 😀 Who’s with me on this?

All of the routines that will remain routine have recommenced. A few got cut from the roster, being less than helpful, or too complicated, or driving more stress than they manage… changes over time mean choices over time, too.

Speaking of time, welcome to 2019. It’s time to begin again. What will you do to save the world?

The world awaits your choices. Your results may vary.

Tags are you going my way?, be the change, begin again, choices and changes, choose wisely, downsizing OPD, Eight Dollar Mountain, emotional self sufficiency, experience, finite lifetime, good self-care, happy new year, I am my own cartographer, Kalmiopsis Wilderness, listening deeply, making new agreements, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, piñata, practicing the practices, relationships, renegotiating contracts with myself, some for me, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Illinois River, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk it off, walk on, walking my own path, what goes in a piñata?, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, weight loss secrets, winter

Too Early, But Not Too Late

December 29, 2018 //

I am awake early. Too early. It was 2:35 am when I woke. Like… totally awake, woke. As in, not going back to sleep levels of awake. Well… shit. I’m up. lol

…On the other hand? Today’s a travel day, and I can either take my leisure with the morning, or hit the highway earlier. Either works for me. No wrong answer. So… I guess that means it’s time to make coffee. 😀

My coffee is tasty – nice job there, Me – but somehow I managed to make only about 2/3 of a cup of coffee. Weird. (To be fair, my “usual” cup of coffee is a 16 oz mug – that’s about 500 ml – thus 2/3 is still a plenty decent sized cup of coffee, so, it’s not like I made any effort to do anything about it.) It got me thinking about coffee for the drive. I can’t find my travel-mug-of-choice anywhere… and if I hit the road at or before 4 am, nothing much will be open. lol It all seems dreadfully complicated… so…

…I let that shit go. It’s a non issue. Doesn’t matter enough to fuss over. 😉

I enjoy a few moments of conversation with a not-all-that-distant friend (just far enough away that we don’t see each other, although with minimal effort we easily could). He’s eager to hang out, calls me “beautiful”. I note both the delight I feel at the compliment, and the immediate suspicion that follows it. I take a breath, and let that go, too. I give my demons a wink. “Not today, fuckers, not today”, I say to myself, and return to my coffee. I smile, content to feel warmed by the nice compliment. Then I let that go to.

Today is not a day to cling to illusions. The New Year approaches, and it’s a fantastic moment for letting things go. 🙂

I sip my coffee, continue the conversation, glance at the time… damn, I was up early. It’s not yet 4:00 am. Car is loaded. I’m showered and dressed. This is all going very well, so far. 😀

The weekend ahead looks to be a busy one. Out of town. Filled with moments, friends, parties, and comings & goings. Writing will take commitment. I remind myself to bring my laptop. I remind myself it’s already in the car. lol Am I really awake enough to get such an early start?

I think about that one. Then I let that shit go. Bullshit insecurity. Bullshit doubt. My anxiety lying to me. Letting it go is a breath away.

I breathe. Sip my coffee. Finish up a flirtatious conversation. Consider the day ahead. I’m eager to see my Traveling Partner. He is eager to see me. We share a peculiarly intense love that sometimes still finds me wondering if this can actually be real. This doubt, too, I let go of. It’s not necessary to instill each moment with doubt. That’s just baggage, and at 55, I have to admit that if I indulge or cling to it, the choice is mine.

I choose to let that shit go.

Well, look at that – it’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, let it go, love and lovers, meditation, mindfulness, on the road again, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

The Magic is in Motion

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Endings, Too

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Sometimes Shit Gets Real

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2019? We’ll Need a Piñata

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Too Early, But Not Too Late

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