Archives for posts with tag: begin again

Headphones, No Music

September 14, 2018 //

I slept in a bit. I’m glad I did; I needed the rest and have a busy fun weekend ahead. I smile and have another drink of my off-brand fizzy water. I didn’t really feel like putting in the effort to make an exceptional cup of coffee. I also did not feel like drinking a crappy cup of coffee. So… coffee can wait.

It’s okay to choose. I’m not “on rails”. A common result of making a plan and forcing into action, even in the face of other circumstances, needs, or inclinations, tends to be less than ideal execution, and sometimes an anecdote-worthy crappy experience. It’s not what I’m going for. I woke up thirsty; I’m drinking water. I was tired; I slept until I was rested. I needed to really relax yesterday evening; I spent the evening making the choices that got me there. This morning, I put my headphones on, drowning out the sound of traffic on a rainy morning, but don’t much actually feel like music (or sounds) this morning; I didn’t turn any on. 🙂

This is a weekend that looks on track to unfold with an unusually high amount of spontaneity. I’d made some plans to do some things, but I find myself mostly just interesting in being. It’s enough. These aren’t choices that “change the world” in any grand sense, but they do change my experience, and I am both in, and of, the world…so… small improvement, then? With enough of that sort of thing, the world is indeed changed. (And in that sense, our self-care, and good general regard for ourselves, and our common decency to others, is in fact world-changing!)

One or two more things I’ll take care of before I get on the road. My glasses are smudgy… and somewhere around here I have lens cleaning cloths… I put them where I could not forget them, so, obviously, I’ve no idea where they are now. LOL Start the dishwasher… take out the trash…

…Begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, Words

3 Mondays & 1 Moment

September 13, 2018 //

This was a weird week. Work felt like 3 Mondays – and I believe 3 Mondays make a case (…of the… lol. I know, it’s bad.) Yeah. So. Today, though? Not a Monday.

The morning started with a foggy drizzle and chilly, still, air. No breeze. No traffic. The commute was easy. I don’t remember it in any detail, aside from the pure moment of delight as the signal light at intersection after intersection turned green immediately ahead of me. Bliss! I maintained a disciplined eye on my speed, marveling at the sequence of intersections, and enjoyed the uninterrupted momentum. I wasn’t speeding, wasn’t going slow… just… driving. It was lovely.

I parked and stood in the chilly morning cityscape for some minutes, just breathing, listening, watching. It felt… mischievous and tempting. I considered getting back in the car and going… where? Somewhere. Somewhere new, or strange, or… away. Ah. Is that it? I smile at the morning, gray and misty. Am I needing “a getaway”? Cuz… that usually means I’m not taking care of myself, and have made that infernal “to do list” a bit too long. I nod wisely to myself, as if I think I know something, and head to the elevator to enjoy a few hours of feeling like I know things.

I got home less concerned about knowing, and more focused on being. It’s a chilly evening. I turn on the gas fireplace. I make a cup of tea. I put everything else aside and properly care for this fragile vessel, and the woman in the mirror.

…At least for the moment, I am not concerned with politics, the scary world we’ve made, how mean people can be to each other, the cost of living life, my health, mortality, or bank account. I’m just sipping this cup of tea, and taking a few quiet minutes. (You think I’m writing; this laptop is balanced carefully in my lap, I am seated on my meditation cushion, with a cup of hot tea gently perched on my knee – a sneeze could be very costly right about now – and I am sitting contentedly with my thoughts, and the lovely view of autumn arriving slowly, and only writing now and then… and almost not at all.

I sit awhile.

Then awhile more.

I finish my tea, and continue, seated… relaxed.

…

…Sometime, later, I begin again. 😉

Tags 3 Mondays, a case of the Mondays, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, give me a minute, hang on a moment, I am my own cartographer, just one minute, listening deeply, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, slow down for slowing down, sufficiency, taking care of me, taking time, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The End of Summer

September 11, 2018 //

That was my first thought when I got home last night; this looks like the end of summer. A soft rain was falling, and the deck was littered with fallen leaves. I turned off the A/C, probably for the year; an open window will be adequate from this point, most likely.

…I think to check the weather. My assumptions, my internal narrative, my recollections of prior years… none of these rise to the level of “facts”; I check the weather, this morning. My musings on an autumn-feeling evening are not relevant to my experience of what the weather may be on a late summer morning. There is rain in the forecast, and a high of 68. Yep. That’s autumn. 😀

It’s time for change.

The seasons are changing. The wheel continues to turn. There’s no avoiding evolving without actually quitting the journey entirely. We’re aren’t really made for standing still.

I take a deep breathe, and glance at the clock. I finish my almond milk chai latte with lingering amusement that I woke too lazy to make a cup of coffee. I don’t have to settle for that, with myself. I shrug and smile into the pre-dawn darkness.

It’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being

I’d Like to Understand More Than I Do

September 8, 2018 //

It’s probably true for all of us, that we’d like to understand the world, our lives, the lives of others, much more than we really do – or ever could. We spend tons of time on “human interest stories” and posts and articles about other people’s lives and circumstances, seeking greater understanding of the human experience (or salacious titillation, which is, frankly, an unpleasant impulse ideally not indulged). It’s problematic, because, too often, it leads to becoming heavily emotionally invested in experiences that are not actually our own. Humans are fairly weird primates. lol

Our technology makes it very easy to “watch from afar”, distant connections, celebrities, neighbors, and even X’s and people who have walked on from where we now stand, making it clear they want no part of our bullshit any longer. Some people yield to that temptation, becoming obsessed with some other human to the detriment of their everyday lives. That’s mostly just sort of sad, really, I don’t know what to say about that… Let it go? Live life? Invest in what is actually yours? Enjoy or change what is within your own reach? Knock that dumb shit off? (Well, that last one there seems a bit rude, and insensitive, but… yeah; you don’t really have time for that kind of foolishness, we are mortal, life is finite, and there’s other shit to do. lol)

I know one or two folks who, even years later, still obsess about an ex to the point of madness. It’s hard to watch. I can’t call them “friends” of mine, to be clear; they don’t have time for friendship, they are far too busy with clinging, or plotting revenge, or grieving endlessly, to enjoy friendship, or even the simple pleasures of living life. It’s a weird place to spend one’s time, I think, but then again – I’ve chosen a different path. We each walk our own mile, paved with our own choices. We become what we practice, and are, unavoidably, generally speaking, one hundred percent a creature of our own making.

Our shittiest behavior becomes part of who we are. We will be recognized and described by those behaviors and choices.

Think about that. You are who you choose to be. You become whatever you choose to practice being. No kidding, even our worst “mistakes” as people are only “mistakes” that first time; once we’re called on our bullshit and told that our words or actions are objectionable, and we continue to make that choice? Now that shit is “on purpose”, even if not specifically willfully deliberate in the moment – unless of course we have some sort of mental illness, cognitive limitation, or challenge in life that specifically limits our rational agency and free will. What I’m saying is – we make choices. A lot of choices. Our choices are part of who we are, and say a lot about our character.

Choose wisely. The world is watching.

…Oh hey, just note; you’re going to fuck some shit up and make some terrible choices in life. It’s a human thing. Begin again. Do better. Keep practicing. It’s a long journey from here, wherever “here” is, to becoming the human being you most want to be… and fucking hell, there’s no map.

Ready? However bad things feel right now? It’s okay to begin again. 🙂

Tags basic bitches, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, get over that shit, I am my own cartographer, no time left for you, OPD, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, inspiration, loneliness, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Off the Beaten Path

September 7, 2018 //

The last day or two have been strangely filled with the sound of breaking habits and routines. Again this morning, coffee holds no appeal. I have chai tea instead. With almond milk. My shower is cool, almost cold, and I take it before I do much of anything else, instead of after yoga or dumbbells. I put my shoes on as soon as I got dressed, instead of just before I leave. My TBI seems to be “whispering at me” through the fatigue and distractions; habits breaking everywhere, because that’s what does seem to happen with me under these circumstances.

I whisper back to the woman in the mirror, “keep it together, you’ve got this – now wear is your work badge, and why is it not hanging on the hook where it belongs? damn.” So human.

I remind myself to “stay on the path”. I go through the motions of the other usual morning things, check the clock, notice it is almost time to leave for work (already??) and I hadn’t written a word, or even scrolled through my feed (who are you??). It’s okay. It’s just my version of spontaneity. LOL I’m fine, just… a bit stressed, managing my anxiety, and living life pulled in more directions than I typically prefer. I take a healthy calming breath, and let it go.

It’s a Friday. Here’s a weekend ahead of me. It’s time to begin again.

Tags ACT, anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, breaking habits, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, flaws in patterns, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, mindfulness, OPD, perspective, practicing the practices, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, this too will pass, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Headphones, No Music

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3 Mondays & 1 Moment

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The End of Summer

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I’d Like to Understand More Than I Do

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Off the Beaten Path

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