Archives for posts with tag: being and becoming
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Perspective & Reminders

May 14, 2025 //
0

I woke up slowly this morning, slipping gradually from strange distressing dreams of poverty, privation, and desperate futile “choices”. My dreams were anxious and restless. I dreamt of drinking terrible coffee on a sweltering morning, sitting on the edge of broken second-hand patio furniture – no AC, windows thrown wide to non-existent breezes through the night, hoping for a moment of cooler temperatures. I dreamt fretfully of having to choose between paying the electric bill and buying food, and of having to choose between filling a prescription or putting gas in an unreliable car. Would it even start next time I needed it? I dreamt of times gone by, and times I’ve never lived but recognize to be within the realm of possibility in a human lifetime. I dreamt of being in my final years, without means, without partnership, alone and deeply concerned about seeing another sunrise. I squinted at the rising sun in my dreams, anxious, then woke slowly to the lights coming on in my room, here, now, okay. Fucking hell. I’m not sure I’d call my dreams “nightmares” – there was no terror, really, only sorrow, and despair, and trying to so hard to make something of nothing last long enough to be… enough. My dreams were drenched in the anxiety of effort and insufficiency – and even in my dreams I found myself trying to find the best of it, to find the small joys in that dismal existence, sitting quietly with my coffee watching the sun rise. It wasn’t enough – but I felt some tiny fragment of hope and clung to it desperately.

…Fucking hell. I definitely do not need more nights like that…

Still, I sip my (relatively shitty) cup of coffee this morning, thinking about luck, circumstances, good fortune, and how very hard a person can work at life, at trying to provide for their family, at trying to live well within limited means – and how easy it is to fail at all of that, anyway. People get mired in despair because life can be hard. Very hard. Sometimes it not only seems like there is “no way out” – it may even be true in some limited sense. Rough. Sometimes doing better or “finding our way” requires really difficult decision-making, or even what feels like a complete “do-over”. Scary. None of that is easy. You know what is easy? Being a jerk to people when you do not know, or can not understand, what they are going through. Super easy to be a raging asshole, lacking in compassion and consideration. (For a choice bad example, we need only look to Congress trying to pass a budget.) Maybe don’t do that, though, right? Just don’t be a jerk to people.

Simple joys are worth savoring and it doesn’t take much effort to be kind.

It’s a good morning to reflect with gratitude on my good fortune, and where I am in life right now. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I embrace the quiet somewhat rainy looking morning with a measure of joy; I am not in that place where my dreams placed me. I’m not wealthy (not even “affluent”). I have enough to meet my basic needs. My Traveling Partner and I are comfortable together, managing life together. We provide for each other; it’s likely neither of us would be in the same place in life without each other. I smile thinking of the cute 3D printed earrings I am wearing this morning – he made them for me. That he made them with me in mind matters so much more than their intrinsic value. They’re plastic – super cute and I love them. Diamonds could not ever please me on the same level at all – their cold sparkle would only remind me of what I don’t have and can’t (or have not) achieved. They would exist to say something to someone else, and I would wear them only to “make a statement” – and one which I don’t personally feel moved to make. I’m not competing with the world. I’m walking my own path. I don’t aspire to diamond jewelry – only to loving and being loved, living well (within our limited means), and finding joy in a life that is enough. But that’s me. You do you, I guess. 😀

Who are you? What do you really want out of life? Where does your path lead? You will become what you practice – what are you practicing?

My mind wanders. I reflect awhile on how best to avoid being a jerk to people (even when I’m tired, or in pain, or aggravated by something). So many people suffering, doing what they can with too little, just trying to get by… I think awhile on being kind, being considerate, demonstrating concern and compassion, and how best to be the woman I most want to be. “Being and becoming” seems to be a long, sometimes rather slow journey from the greed and demanding inconsiderate foolishness of childhood to … something else. Something better, ideally, something practiced and thoughtful, and patient, and wise, and… fuck I’ve got work to do on this “being my best self” stuff! So many negative examples out there in the world, too – I know who I don’t want to be. I know how I don’t want to behave. I guess it is a starting point, eh?

The clock is ticking, but there’s time to begin again. Do better. You have choices.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, gratitude, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Sunrise at My Back

May 6, 2025 //
0

This morning my walk began at a familiar well-maintained trailhead. I walked west with the sunrise at my back. The weather is mild, clear and calm. Seems likely to be a warm day and I’m glad I took time to water the garden thoroughly yesterday evening.

Mt Hood in the distance.

I pause my walk occasionally for sneezes, grateful to have thought to grab a pack of travel tissues, mildly annoyed to have to shove them in my pocket after using them; I’ve already passed by the few trash cans along the start of this trail.

I pass a woman going the opposite direction, being walked by her dogs. They pull her along, their leashes taut, she seems to pull back while also being hurried along. Too much dog, I suppose. I chuckle to myself and keep walking. The dogs paid me no attention, they had someplace to be, apparently.

Somewhere over there, the sun rises.

I woke up from surreal dreams this morning, super groggy. Even by the time I reach my halfway point, my head is still foggy, my strange dreams linger, and I have A Tribe Called Quest stuck in my head. I don’t overthink the moment, I queue up the track and listen to it while I watch another sunrise.

Venus sparkles like a tiny diamond on the soft pale blue of a dawn sky streaked with playful pink clouds. Hard to take the world seriously when there is such beauty. Sometimes pausing to appreciate the beauty in the world around me feels like an act of rebellion, as if to say “you have no power over me” to the goblin king. As the morning sky brightens, Venus fades away from view.

I sigh quietly to myself. I sit awhile with private thoughts. The clock ticks on. My journey is incomplete and the path beckons me. This trail isn’t going to walk itself. There’s more to see, more to do. The day has only just begun. I stretch and get to my feet. It’s time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

Find the Best Within

May 5, 2025 //
0

I’m sipping my coffee over a break between catching up on everything I missed while I was out of the office for a long weekend, and getting started on all the things yet to be done with this new day. I’m thinking about what a joy the weekend was, and what a trainwreck it sometimes feel the world is (or has become). The immense value and promise of the Internet and global connectivity doesn’t change how easy it is for entities with an agenda to harvest our data – or our attention – regardless of the actual value to us as individuals, and it can be hard to detach myself from the outrage machinery and engagement-seeking drama all around. It can be done; there are verbs involved. Choices. Commitment. Will. Practice.

Choose your path and walk it.

I’m not “a perfect person” – not even close. I am seeking the best within myself, and making a point to practice the practices that serve to shore up (and improve) my mental health and emotional wellness, and build better relationships. I work hard to be become the woman I most want to be. It’s an ongoing bit of work to address character flaws, battle my inner demons, and just do my damned best to be a better person today than I was yesterday. My results vary. (Yours will too; it’s a very human experience.) Still – what better journey than this journey of self-discovery, and healing, and growth could I make over the course of a lifetime? Step by step, day by day, one practice at a time, one moment at a time… I’m finding the best within myself that I can, working to create better qualities where I find myself lacking, and living that life.

…It was a lovely weekend, celebrating love and spending time in the garden. I feel rested, nourished, and restored by the days spent on life and love in the company of my beloved Traveling Partner. I definitely needed it…

The new day began after a night of strange dreams. The sun rise was beautiful as I made the commute to the office. Traffic was light, the drive was pleasant, and my morning coffee is quite good. A nice beginning to the week. The only “fly in my ointment” this morning is this wistful pang of loss and vague persistent feeling of longing in the background; I miss my Traveling Partner intensely after 4 pleasant days spent together, present, connected, and loving. I could have worked from home, but… I doubt I’d have been able to focus on working. lol My heart is at home, in spite of the work in front of me. My thoughts are in my garden, and with my beloved. Taking a break to write, reflect, and indulge my emotions a bit is intended to let me “get back to work” more focused (the way out is through, and our emotions are not an enemy or a defect).

“Baby Love”, the first rose to bloom this year.

I sigh to myself and smile at nothing much. I sip my coffee and stretch. Life is full of next steps and new beginnings. Incremental change over time may not feel like the fastest route to lasting change, but it is a reliable one. I gaze out the window at the brilliant blue sky streaked with a single vapor trail from a passing aircraft, watching the shifting hues of green in the trees as the sun rises higher. Nice moment to pause and reflect and feel the contentment I’ve worked to build over years. I’m standing in a good spot, metaphorically speaking…nonetheless, it is time to begin again. The clock is ticking.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Raindrops and Roses

May 3, 2025 //
0

I’m grateful for the warmth of the car after a chilly walk through Portland’s Rose Garden. It is beautiful here, and the rain drenched rose bushes are covered with buds, and even a handful of blossoms. It is quite early for roses here, and only the hardiest and most eager will bloom until warmer weather – but it’s close. I made the trip to see the sunrise over the city below the garden, but the once spectacular view is now obscured by trees, and it is a gray and rainy morning besides.

A glimpse of the city is all that remains of the view from this place.

I’m not disappointed. It is time well spent in a delightful formal rose garden and the air is heavy with the scent of spring flowers and petrichor. Wonderful! Azaleas and rhododendrons and wisteria are blooming. There are uncountable hues and shades of green splashed with the many colors of various flowers.

Beauty in every direction I look.

I’m grateful for the ramps around the garden these days, where once I took the stairs without hesitation – a hint that I’m not the young woman I was the first time i visited this place, some 28 years ago. I grin at my recollection. It was summer that first visit to this rose garden, and everywhere the roses were blooming. It was disappointingly crowded (it’s a very popular place), and I was distracted much of the time (no camera, and one hand on my bee sting kit all the way around the garden), and I rushed myself. I was “checking off a box” on a mental list of things one simply must see/do in Portland, as if a tourist rather than a woman who would spend the next 27 years in the area. lol I hadn’t yet moved here.

…To be fair to the woman I was, then, I was only up for the weekend, and had no idea that I’d move here some few months later.

Moments are fleeting. Let them take the time they take. Be present. There are no “do overs”, only new moments, each unique.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. My feet are damp from walking through rain-soaked grass in spite of my boots and I’m grateful for the dry socks I keep in my pack, in the car. I smile knowingly, recalling less well prepared younger versions of me. I have little in common with her, now. We’re quite different, even down to how we experience moments of joy and the inevitable passing of time. I lack her energy and ferocity, but also her impatience, emotional distance, and suppressed rage. This version of me has quite a few “upgrades”, I realize, in spite of the wear and tear on some of the parts. lol

However skillfully we plan, there’s really no knowing where the journey may lead, and stairs that are easy now, may one day feel almost impossible.

My thoughts wander to yesterday. My Traveling Partner and I worked on a garden project together. It was fun, satisfying time spent joyfully in good company. He made me a hydroponic tower garden, intending for me to grow things out of reach of the deer, using a small solar pump to circulate the nutrient solution. We tested it yesterday.

Another perspective on love. A precious shared moment.

I sigh contentedly, feeling grateful and fortunate, even content and hopeful. Satisfied? Happy? Those are good words for this feeling, too. I savor the moment, and notice with delight and a measure of awe that I happened to park the car next to a 100 year old rose. Wow.

R. canina, “Dog rose”, 100 year old specimen.

Yes, the world is a fucking shit show of idiots and monsters, and the United States is being turned into a dumpster fire by a turd driving a clown car full of trolls – but none of that has to prevent each of us from enjoying the beauty we find around us, or stop us from savoring (and nurturing) what is good in our own lives. It’s important that we fill up on small joys and simple pleasures. These experiences fortify our hearts for hard times that inevitably come. It’s a very human experience. The journey is the destination. We become what we practice.

Don’t let monsters make you monstrous.

I listen to the robins singing for a while, and watch a small squirrel (who is also watching me). Lovely morning. Soon enough it will be time to begin again. I wonder where this path leads?

There is time to enjoy the flowers on the way.
Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Recognizing Sufficiency

April 20, 2025 //
0

Yesterday was delightful. All the way to the trailhead this morning, I thought about the gardening yesterday. As I walked, I continued to reflect on my garden, noticing the various wildflowers and grasses growing along the marsh trail and among the oaks on the meadow. I think about the bit of space yet to plant with… something. I keep walking.

Nice morning for it

Yesterday evening I got very excited to consider adding a potted rose to my still developing west side garden. This morning I admitted to myself that my eagerness was carrying me enthusiastically beyond my good sense; roses won’t do well in that location. Not enough hours of sunshine. I chuckle to myself when I fall back to my thought of perhaps putting a citronella geranium in that pot? Good grief, those get huge; it’s a small space. What am I thinking? So human.

For a time, I distract myself from those yearnings by contemplating the front flower bed, where I decided to fill in more area with the primroses that are doing so well. I’m eager to divide them and spread them out. I laugh at myself; it’s not yet time for that. They’re still blooming. I am so eager to proceed. Waiting on timing is hard.

It can be so difficult to approach plans and eagerness with discipline. It’s not impossible. It takes practice. Commitment. Something else productive to do is helpful, too. I smile as I walk, shaking my head at my foolishness. There’s plenty of weeding to do. Fact. There’s no shortage of work to be done. It’s just not the exciting stuff: the planning, the shopping, the planting. Not just now. The work that needs doing is weeding. The garden version of housework. Removing the wild geraniums that appear in the lawn. Digging out the occasional dandelion, too. Pulling out stray lawn grass where it tries to encroach on a flower bed. It even turns up in my raised beds. So much weeding. Manual labor of a rather unsatisfying, less than ideally fun sort. lol Still needs doing. Like the housework. There’s no actual end to it, and there’s nearly always something that needs to be done to live well and comfortably. Clutter to reduce. Tasks to be completed. Order to create out of chaos. It’s all worthy and worthwhile.

The garden as a metaphor; the work that needs doing isn’t exciting or glamorous. Still needs to be done.

… Sometimes it’s hard to want to do the actual work…

When I stop at my halfway point to write and meditate, I notice how much my legs ache. My back, too. My head is kind of stuffy; allergies. As if on cue, I sneeze several times. Oh, but the flowers do smell so good! I add Claritin and pocket tissues to my shopping list for later.

My Traveling Partner has already pinged me a loving greeting this morning. I smile, feeling his love. Yesterday he showed me how the new Hue Forge software works. Exciting! It makes me think about color differently. He did a small project from a photo I had taken, with me “along for the ride”. It was a lovely shared moment. I sit quietly reflecting on love and life together. 14 years married, on May 1st – it doesn’t seem so long, but at the same time feels as if we’ve “always been together”. It’s a nice feeling.

Sky through the trees, rendered in Hue Forge and 3D printed.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This “being human” thing takes so much practice to do skillfully without doing a lot of unintentional damage. Like learning new software, or developing a new skill, there’s more to it than there seems to be, given an opportunity to explore the nuances more deeply. lol I reflect awhile longer, on my garden, on love, on becoming the person I most want to be. There are so many verbs involved. So many opportunities to choose, do, fail, and to begin again. I’ll keep practicing – and walking my own path. I sigh contentedly, and get to my feet. It’s already time to walk on. Time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »