Archives for posts with tag: boundaries

I’m sitting at the halfway point on this trail I’m walking. It is familiar and safe. The news feels distinctly less safe, so I refrain from looking at it. I know what war looks like, and I don’t need to ingest repetitive AI slop and propaganda retelling the approved narrative. I’ll sit here bird-watching instead. Nice morning for it.

Birds know better.

…Oh, make no mistake, I’d definitely like to see the people of Iran free to govern themselves under a system of government they have chosen for themselves. I earnestly hope our corrupt government’s almost certainly self-serving violence has the effect of also improving the lives of Iranian citizens. Any who survive it, I mean. I admit, I am curious how it seemed necessary to intervene with airstrikes and bombs in Iran, but not Ukraine, Palestine, Rwanda… You get where I’m going with this? We aren’t going to be told truthfully why we are intervening now, in Iran, but not the many other times a nation’s citizens have pleaded for our assistance. I am as certain as I can be that it is about power, and money, and oil. Gross.

Look for the beauty in the moment.

I sigh to myself and pull my attention back to the many birds on the marsh and in the oaks dotting the meadow here. Portions of this nature park were once farm or homestead land. The signs of that expose themselves each Spring as flowers begin to bloom. Varieties that don’t grow wild here grow here and there in little pockets, places once planted and cared for by people who are now gone. The flowers remain. Crocuses and daffodils, for now, and I think I spotted paperwhites back up the trail a ways. I am reminded of the battlefield memorial places I have visited. Revolutionary war. Civil war. Mexican-American War. World War I and World War II… I feel both privileged and saddened to have seen so many… You’d think a sentient relatively well developed species could do better… You’d be wrong. At least, you’d be wrong to think homo sapiens would do better. Are you kidding? We can’t even see past campaign lies and political rhetoric to vote wisely for our leaders.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Fuck war. Do better, people. Our survival depends on it

I sit watching the little birds and wondering whether our perception of “intelligence” in living creatures is waaay off, and perhaps we’re just the dumbest fucking things around… too stupid to enjoy our lives and each other, or to appreciate this beautiful planet we live on. Honestly, that does seem pretty stupid, from the perspective of this moment, sitting on a fence rail between marsh and meadow, enjoying the sunshine and the company of little birds. I smile, grateful for this moment, and this place.

I swing my feet and am reminded that my boots are worn out. I found new ones I like during my shopping yesterday, but the local retailers were selling them for more than twice the manufacturer’s price – for a model from 2023! A quick check of their website resulted in a purchase… and some wait time for them to arrive. I have learned the value of waiting.

It’s been a good weekend for self-care, and a recommendation by my Traveling Partner with regard to my pain management seems to have resulted in notable improvement. I feel pretty good. I’ve a few more things I can (maybe should) do for myself this weekend. I’m reaching the point of awkwardness, when I begin to question whether “this is too much”, but that’s just bullshit and baggage. I can let that go.

I sigh happily, feeling the sun warm on my back, and grateful that no bombs are dropping here. I see fellow travelers approaching on the trail. I hop down from the fence rail, feeling merry and light on my feet. It’s a good opportunity to begin again.

This morning I am starting my morning close to home. I started the morning on a nearby trail, and watched the sunrise as I walked. The sunrise was hues of orange, gold, and red, and the moment made of pure contentment. Satisfying. Also chilly. Actually, quite cold. At just 28° F, I am super glad I thought to dress quite warmly and always have gloves and a scarf in the car for such mornings. It was too cold to fuss with a camera.

The sky is now a beautiful clear blue. There’s some snow atop distant hillsides, and pockets of mist in the low spots along stream banks and rivers. Rays of sunshine have begun to reach the closest treetops. What a perfectly lovely morning.

It’s a work day. I’ll be working from home today, making it easy to help my Traveling Partner get to an appointment later. I pause for a moment of gratitude that I have the option to work where I choose. It’s a very useful detail. I sigh contentedly and sip my coffee. Just an Americano I picked up before my walk to enjoy afterwards, it’s satisfying and warms my hands. I relax with my coffee enjoying the quiet time between my walk and my workday. It’s a pleasant interlude.

My thoughts wander to the unwelcome experience of receiving a message from an ex this week. (My recently deceased dear friend’s first-born, specifically, seeking to let me know of their mother’s passing.) Rather rudely, the message was sent during the night, and interrupted my sleep, but I wasn’t surprised by the discourtesy. I acknowledged the message in the context of its intention and let it go at that. Almost predictably, my ex followed that up with a new attempt to engage me in dialogue. I turned it over in my head awhile, and even shared it with my Traveling Partner and discussed it with him for additional perspective. My thoughts on the matter didn’t change, and there are good reasons for having cut off contact after the relationship ended (14 years ago, now). Having identified the previously unknown phone number in my contacts as belonging to my ex, I archive the message thread without further reply or action. That, and these few words, are already enough time spent on it.

I sip my coffee, enjoying the relaxed feel of the day as it starts. I gaze into the blue sky, ready to begin again.

Stop.

Seriously, just put it all on pause for a minute or two. You’ll be fine. The work will wait. The pings and texts will wait too. That urgent whateverthefuck you just have to get done right now? Yep, even that will wait for a couple minutes. Take care of you for a minute. Breathe. Exhale. Relax.

Turn off the music. Quiet as much of the noise as you can control. Just sit for a minute. Another breath. Need a timer? I’ve got you… here, try this one. You’ve got two minutes for you, right?

…<sigh>… Feels good. Just a quiet minute or two…

There’s a lot to get done. Life sometimes feels so crazy busy that I walk around with a chronic lingering sensation of something being incomplete, unfinished, or forgotten. Sometimes, when I stumble on the thing driving that sensation, it’ll turn out to be something forgettably unimportant like being interrupted while reading a receipt, and having the sensation of “an unfinished conversation” that turns out to be with myself. lol I’ve found, more than once, that the “secret” to feeling less busy, less frantic, less consumed by the details… is to slow down. So. Do that.

Do it again.

Set expectations with yourself and others about how much you really can (or are really willing) to do. Take care of yourself. “Human” comes with some known limitations. Respect your limitations – and your boundaries. Tired? Rest. Hurting? Heal. Cross with the world? Take a step back and enjoy you for a little while. Recognize that everyone around you needs those same things – rest, healing, and time to just be who they are, and enjoy that experience.

Look, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m telling you what I’m doing – and going to do, and planning to continue to practice until I get properly good at it. It just doesn’t make any damned sense to be the person in the world treating me the worst. lol I am practicing treating myself – and my loved ones – as well as I know how to treat anyone at all. Every day. Every interaction. Moment by moment. I expect to fall short of my goals – maybe a lot. Failure is an option – pretty commonplace, actually – and we learn more from failures than from successes, so… there’s that. 🙂 You’re gonna fail at some things. That has to be okay. Start over. Begin again. Understand where things went amiss, and do something different or change the context. Just don’t give up on yourself. You have room to grow – and even that journey can be fun, and even pleasant, and rewarding, and filled with love. 🙂 Worth exploring, I think.

…I’m in so much pain today. Arthritis in my spine. Cervicogenic headache. The consequences of injuries, aging, and cold weather… and it seems so completely ordinary as to defy being worth bitching about…but here I am. I think I’ll just begin again, myself. 🙂 I’m certainly too busy to let pain tell me what to do. 😉

…Is what I want to say. I hear the echo of the intent in my thoughts any time life or love go sideways, even for a moment. I’m not so good at getting the words out there… soon enough? Calmly enough? Sufficiently lacking in any expression of emotional intensity that might tend to cause skepticism about my intentions? Yeah. Probably all of that. More. Other stuff I don’t think to manage, to deal with, to minimize, limit, regulate, scale down… I’m right here, every bit of me. Ferociously human. You too?

It’s a very quiet solo evening. I do need this time, he’s right about that. I miss him anyway. I manage to miss his scent, his voice, his hugs, his laughter – everything about his presence that is easy I miss with a fierceness akin to physical pain, as though something I need has been taken from me. I sometimes miss the harder stuff too, the qualities that challenge me to be the very best human I can, the very best lover, the most well-intentioned, authentic, supportive, affectionate and gracious being I could ever craft from the raw materials I’ve got… He’s every bit as human as I am myself, so there’s plenty to challenge me to grow. We fail each other regularly in small ways, rarely in any big ones.

Love matters most.

Love matters most.

The week together has been an interesting mix of easy and challenging. I find myself thinking over the things that worked so well, the things that didn’t work as easily, even taking time to tenderly consider the moment or two that went poorly; it’s nice to notice how few of those there really were. I know that in our human hearts those can sometimes weigh most heavily in our thoughts. I’m no expert, but I’m definitely done with treating myself badly when I fall short of my own expectations – and those are hard enough to keep up with – I am done, too, with beating myself up when I fall short of someone else’s expectations. I’ve a long journey ahead as a human being. One step at a time is fast enough, and slow progress is still progress. For him, too; love can afford to be patient, to be kind.

I still struggle with interrupting people, especially if I am especially passionate, engaged, or excited about the topic being discussed. Listening deeply doesn’t come naturally to me. I practice. I do my best. I let it go when I don’t get it right, and I begin again. It matters enough that practice is worth it, and incremental change over time is enough. ‘The interrupting thing’ is especially difficult for people to take. I get it. I get interrupted a lot, and even by people who ‘don’t do that’ – because I don’t limit my speech to short phrases, very simple language,  and don’t do brevity with any ease… or even staying entirely on topic, I suppose. I speak very much the way I write. Whatever this is. Wordy. Verbose? Too much sometimes. I know – I accept it because it’s who I am, and I don’t mind it. I like the poetry of language, and the connection of good communication. I have time to listen, the interest, the intent, the desire to be sufficiently considerate and dialed in to the person I am talking with to really make a great conversation… only… I also interrupt. I’ll keep working on that, World, if you’ll just keep showing up so I can practice.

Tonight is easy. At long last, at least being alone with the woman in the mirror is easy. It wasn’t always. Tonight, this is enough.