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Something More About Perspective

June 6, 2024 //
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I got my walk in early. I started just at daybreak on this mild Spring morning. I walked a bit aggressively, lost in my own thoughts, eyes fixed on some point ahead,  but without really seeing. I felt cross about the way my morning started (with my Traveling Partner’s aggravation over being wakened and struggling to breathe, as I finished dressing to leave).

…Took me awhile to let it go…

I had wished him well and expressed my hope that he could get back to sleep. He didn’t seem to think he would and expressed that in a way that kept our exchange on my mind as I walked along, over-thinking it unsatisyingly.

…I seriously could have done a better job of letting it go, and letting small shit stay small…

I didn’t really begin to enjoy my walk or adjust my attitude until after he pinged me a cute sticker of a little cat tucked in for sleep, indicating he was going back to bed. Damn, I love that guy. At that point, I was easily able to settle down and sort myself out, with a sigh and a smile and a feeling of gratitude. Shit could be a lot g’damn worse in life (and love).

…We’re each having our own experience…

When I sat down to write, I took a quick look at the “page stats” for this blog (it’s not about numbers so much as insights into what people choose to read, and I often find new relevance in old writing). I found myself re-reading a post from almost 18 months ago, and reflecting further on perspective, change,  and the importance of self-care. It gave me real clarity on the morning, and restored my sense of perspective generally, and how good things truly are. Reading a relevant older post is another way to “be there for myself”, and practice good self-care, and another way to regain perspective. (I say a silent “thank you” to the reader who read that post yesterday; reading it this morning was helpful.)

…My Traveling Partner is on his own journey, having his own experience, and taking that at all personally isn’t a helpful approach to partnership…

Here. Now. Perspective. Sufficiency.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a pretty morning. The temperature here is a comfortable 50°F or so. The sunshine lights the blades of grass and the trunks of the oaks in the grove where I sit perched on a picnic table enjoying the sunrise. It’s still quite early and I am not rushing back to the house. I’ve got a cup of coffee and this quiet moment to myself and I am enjoying it.

…Sometimes the best thing I can do to take care of myself is to simply take a few quiet minutes to breathe and reflect…

Later today I will take my Traveling Partner to an appointment with a specialist. I hope there is promising news about what can be done and what the long term prognosis for his recovery from his December injury may be. It’s hard watching him suffer and struggle. I feel so helpless so often. I definitely want to do more to alleviate his pain and discomfort than I seem able to. It’s not about me, though; I just want this human being I love so dearly to be okay.

I sigh out loud and catch myself picking at my cuticles anxiously. Yeah… still human. Still prone to worry and stress. I breathe the fresh Spring air deeply and exhale slowly. I can smell the hedge roses that are on the other side of the parking lot adjacent to this park where I am sitting, and the scent of recently cut meadow grass. I enjoy the smell of Spring, grateful that my seasonal allergies are nothing like as severe as my Mother’s allergies, or my Traveling Partner’s. They’re mostly pretty mild, and seem very specific to certain local flowering trees. That time of year is already beginning to pass.

I am in rather a lot of pain this morning. It’s been an issue all week. I take the medication I have for it. I cope the best I can. I remain unwilling to let my pain call my shots and I try to “just live my life” in spite of it. My results vary. I make a point of not complaining much about it, to the point of generally mentioning it only in passing, if I mention it at all, in conversation. It’s not that I find this to be a helpful strategy, it’s just that there’s nothing to do about it, really, that I’m not already doing, and I am very much aware that my partner is in a great deal more pain than I am. I don’t want to make that about me. I just want to do my best to support and care for him while he’s injured and working on recovering. He knows I am in pain, it’s a chronic condition. No point making that “a thing” – right now it’s just a distraction.

I sit with my coffee and my thoughts awhile longer. Soon enough it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Joy: Finding It, Crafting It, Sustaining It

June 2, 2024 //
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How to find joy; make room for it. Be open to it when it happens upon you. Savor the joyful moments. Allow joy to exist. Sounds so simple…

…Sometimes it’s not so simple and requires some practice…

I’ve got the trail to myself this morning.

My tinnitus is loud in my ears this morning. It can be a real irritant. I look for joy in the moment, and build that by listening for the breezes rustling Spring foliage and whispering through the meadow grass along the trail as I walk. I listen attentively to the birds singing their morning songs. I craft joy in this moment by filling my thoughts with pleasant recollections of recent other joyful moments,  taking time to savor them and fill my heart and consciousness with these precious small delights. Joy doesn’t require grand gestures, big purchases, or flare. Many of my most joyful moments are humble bright spots in life that might go unnoticed if I allow myself to wallow in misery instead.

…Funny how easily we can become focused on, and mired in, our most miserable moments, and how reluctant we can be to spend similar time and energy on the things that delight us and feel good…

Spring flowers are blooming.

Sustaining joy is largely a matter of being willing to put more attention on it day-to-day than on the many small shitty experiences that occur in a human lifetime. I hate pointing it out, but… it’s a choice.  No kidding. It’s as simple (and as difficult) as choosing joy, and choosing to prefer it as a priority for putting time and attention on. That’s truly difficult when stuck in some unpleasant moment or enduring some crappy experience in life, nonetheless, it’s a choice.

…In my darkness moments, I still could have chosen joy, instead (a rather annoying matter of will)…

It matters what we choose to put our attention on.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent it on housekeeping and hanging out with my Traveling Partner. He spent the day healing and working on his laptop. I cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and spent a little time sorting things out on the new Linux OS on my desktop computer. We enjoyed meals together, laughter, conversation… a very pleasant day. I take a moment to savor the recollection. I chose joy all day. Toward the end of the day a couple packages arrived… for me!

…I  keep forgetting my birthday is coming up in a few days. lol It’s not any sort of “milestone year”… and 61 doesn’t feel “important” beyond surviving to celebrate it at all. Getting a couple unexpected (extra) gifts from my Traveling Partner delighted me immensely. 😀 😍 🤩  One rather practical (ish) gift of camping gear; a somewhat fancy pour-over set for making coffee, and a wee jar of an exotic rose petal tea. I  sit grinning and feeling incredibly loved. This human being “gets me”. I feel fortunate to be enjoying his presence in my life…I’ve never been more loved (as far as I know).

My big birthday gift is a delightful marble run that my partner 3D printed for me, and which I assembled before my camping trip. It’s super cool and captivates me. I love watching the marbles going around! I enjoy “seeing chaos in action” and it’s a beautifully harmless chaos model.

Joy is a funny thing… like contentment (and unlike “happiness”), it can be cultivated, crafted, and sustained… but that does require choices to make joy a priority, and to put time and attention on embracing joy. Make time to linger on, and savor, joyful moments. Stop ruminating over and catastrophizing small moments of unpleasantness. Your results will definitely vary, but we really do become what we practice.

…Cultivating joy may cause you to become an actual optimist, which honestly isn’t so bad (although I don’t think I could have imagined it when I was deeply cynical and pessimistic)…

I enjoy joy… it’s enjoyable. lol

I smile to myself, thinking my thoughts and watching the river flow by as I  rest and write at my halfway point. It’s a good day for joy. I breathe in the scent of Spring wildflowers and listen to the birds and breezes. I fill my heart with joy before I head back up the trail to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

Today Is Hard, and That’s Not Easy

May 31, 2024 //
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Great beginnings don’t always lead to great journeys. Today is hard. I’m struggling with my own bullshit, and juggling work and caring for my partner with that. It’s a mess. I’m in pain. I’m cross. I’m feeling “crowded” and vexed and inconvenienced by having to be a fucking adult at all – and I don’t feel like I’m very good at it in the first place.

…Breathe…

I know not to take this shit personally; it’s just “emotional weather”. For most values of “okay”, I’m okay – and for all the most important ones this is true. I’ve got a good job. A roof over my head. A nice little home that feels safe and secure. Potable drinking water. Electricity. Internet connectivity. A well-stocked pantry. A partner who loves me (even when he’s out of sorts, in pain, and struggling, himself). It’s still a beautiful Spring day. The only thing in the way of me enjoying this moment as any other lovely moment? Me. My lack of resilience. My pain. My “issues”.

…I can choose differently…

I made a nice cup of tea. Made sure the bills were paid. I’ve got a manageable list of a couple things to get done this weekend. Really all that I need to do with greater skill is to take more shit less personally, care for myself and my Traveling Partner… and begin again. Again.

…My confidence and sense of self reliably take a hit when I’m having a rough moment, and this is certainly that. A well-practiced practice doesn’t reliably result in needing less practice – or shit getting any easier. Sometimes it’s just fucking hard dealing with everything. For now? One moment, one step, one task, one meeting, at a time… eventually the clock runs out on the day (and maybe also on this shitty mood I find myself in, feeling wholly misunderstood, and fairly “invisible”… which sucks).

…Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Begin again. And again. And again…

…Nice cup of tea. It’s at least a place to start….

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Hard is Hard; No Easy Answers, No Shortcuts

May 30, 2024 //
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I’m feeling aggravated. I’m awash in it. I’m maybe even… angry. Frustrated, certainly. Dealing with it? Meh. Mostly. The effort involved in maintaining appropriate emotional regulation at the “work day level” is… hard sometimes. Super hard. I resist the change in mood, in tone, in facial expression – but I feel those, and they’re real. I keep pulling my focus back to work; it’s what this portion of the day is for.

…Breathe… Exhale… Relax… Let it go… Begin again…

I just keep at it, but it sure isn’t “easy”. My patience is being thoroughly tested. My resilience challenged. Hard is… hard. This is that. Hard.

…We become what we practice…

I don’t practice calm to impress anyone. I practice calm to cultivate calm, and to build resilience, and just to be the woman I most want to be – she’s calm. Reliably so.

I breathe, and practice gratitude. I exhale, and practice empathy, kindness, consideration, understanding… Eventually, I’ll also relax. I keep at it. It takes practice.

“Emotion and Reason” 18″ x 24″ acrylic w/ceramic and glow details, 2012

Does it matter what I’m irked over? Nope. Not even a little bit. Does it matter who or what has provoked me? Barely at all – it’s the outcome that matters. The actions. The behavior. Dealing with the moment. The practices don’t change that much. The need doesn’t change that much. I feel some comfort knowing that continued practice reliably results in real change; we become what we practice. The journey is the destination – and in that sense, the practices themselves, and “doing the thing”, are what matter most. There are no shortcuts to being the person we each most want to be. There are practices involved. Verbs. Self-reflection. Awareness. There’s also acknowledging failures, and making amends. There is beginning again.

My irritation (and my anger) are real. Feelings are not our enemy. It’s still most critical to behave in the way that is most appropriate. Most… “right”. (Which is ridiculously subjective, since we’re each having our own experience. No easy answers.) I breathe, exhale, and relax. Cheating myself of self-awareness with regard to my emotions doesn’t get me anywhere good. It’s just not helpful. Neither is lashing out at someone else. Just, like… ever. It’s just not worthwhile. Sure, it’s possible to come back from it, to sort it out and make it right, but… the damage is done. The damage lingers. The scars remain. We pick up baggage over a lifetime – setting it down and moving on can be hard.

…We become what we practice…

I sigh quietly. I set work aside for the moment, because I’m just too g’damned angry to focus or do good work. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. Take a few minutes to jot down some words, and “get things off my chest” (but without “venting” some ridiculous quantity of anger into shared space, potentially wrecking someone else’s experience; the science is in, “venting” doesn’t reduce anger). A few moments. A few words. I make room for self-care – because, frankly, as an adult, who else is actually going to care for me? Sometimes the only person available is going to be me. I’m always “here”. I can at least do myself the favor of being my own best friend, and “being here” in a real way for myself in some challenging moment.

What are you practicing? Does it keep you on the path of being the person you most want to be? Do you respect your choices and the way you treat people? It’s worth considering what you practice – particularly with regard to anger. Feelings are feelings – what you do to express them matters. Once they’re “out in the world”, they affect other people every bit as much as they affect you.

…I remind myself that having the perspective that a given bit of behavior is “understandable” or “excusable under the circumstances” or mitigated by some set of conditions or circumstances doesn’t make it desirable, or what I want or expect of myself. I give some thought to what I expect from myself – and what I want from myself – and then I begin again. It’s a journey. Change takes practice.

…Breathe…Exhale…Relax…

Practice.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, meditation, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Small Things

May 30, 2024 //
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In spite of my dreadful headache yesterday, and a brief moment of temper between my Traveling Partner and I, yesterday was quite  a good day. We enjoyed each other. Got some stuff done individually and together. Hung out. Shared meals. Laughed together. A good day.

Again today my allergies (tree pollen specific to the area) are vexing me, but I am grateful that the headache I had yesterday is gone. That’s a big deal for such a small thing.  Another work day, and already it feels as if I have been back awhile, although it’s only the second work shift since my camping trip. lol Funny how time (and our sense of it) works.

The sunrise had already gotten going by the time I left the house. Sunrise comes early this time of year. I happily hit the trail feeling comfortable and strong  which is a good feeling. I’m glad I remembered to shove some tissues into my pocket,  but aside from the minor inconvenience of seasonal allergies, it’s a lovely morning to be walking in the sunshine. It lights the leaves and blades of grass. The colors change as the sun rises. Earlier, a mist clung to low spots, now little birds hop and peck in the grass. I walk on, finally taking a seat on a bench at my halfway point to reflect and write a few words. My fingers feel the chill of morning, but the morning isn’t particularly chilly.

I sigh with a smile, enjoying the moment just as it is. I sit with my thoughts awhile.

I look over my calendar for the day. Routine.  One detail of working from home that I really value is the greater ease and convenience of getting things done. Running all the errands after a work day is insanely fatiguing. Working them into the day easily because I am near home is handy, and holds so much less potential to find that I have overextended myself! So, work and a couple errands? No problem. Easy.

I sit in the sunshine a little longer. It’s just about time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being
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