Archives for posts with tag: breathe

No Metaphor, It’s Only Winter

January 6, 2017 //

It’s chilly in the studio this morning. My coffee cooled quickly, and is already only warm. I drink it down before it is cold. The heat is on. I take a moment to be grateful to have it. It’s winter. Cold, even in the mild Pacific Northwest, is often part of that experience. I check the weather, and note the below-freezing temperatures forecast until well past 9:00 a.m.; it is a good day to wear a base layer under my work clothes. I make a second coffee and finish dressing.

My routine is fractured this morning, broken and disorganized. No idea why. Doesn’t much matter as long as everything is managed and I’m out the door on time. My sleep has been poor this week. The return to waking to the alarm after a week of sleeping until I wake has messed with my sleep quality. I woke thinking it might already be Saturday, and very much wanting to go back to sleep.

One task, one moment, one verb at a time, I wake up and step through my morning routine. I am eager to face the day. Eager to finish it. I am eager to enjoy the weekend after an intensely busy, short, week. There is so much more to do than I will finish this week, but it’s a list of things that extends well into 2017, and isn’t a matter of stress so much as planning. I’m okay with that, I like to plan.

It’s a winter morning. Nothing more than that. I’m content. The chill is quickly becoming a comfortably warm room. My second coffee is hot, fresh, tasty. I have what I need. It’s enough.

Tags be here now, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being

Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, winter

End One, Begin Another

December 31, 2016 //

Well, it’s about that time. It’s time to wrap up 2016, call it a memory, and begin again. Are you ready? Do you know where you are headed, on life’s journey? Are you well-provisioned for the days, weeks, months ahead? Expectations explicitly set? Assumptions checked against reality? Emotions balanced with reason? Have you prepared a reading list, a to do list, or some other sort of list to guide you down life’s sometimes-less-than-clearly-marked trail? What do you know? Have you asked the questions that best illuminate the path ahead?

About that path, the trail, the journey ahead… about life, generally… Are you ready? If not, are you at least standing on the trail head, ready to begin again?

It’s your journey. It’s your path. Your experience – all your own – you’ll even be crafting your own map, making many of your own rules, and all of your own choices. Where will the new year take you?

What would you do with life if you could begin again? (It’s time to get started…) 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, sufficiency, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, weight loss secrets

Waking to Weird

December 29, 2016 //

I woke abruptly, wide awake, with a sense that sleep never was and relieved that the contents of my sleeping mind, so recently left behind, were not also my living, waking, experience. I woke clear-headed. I woke aware of my dreams, and aware of my relief. I woke feeling that purposeful moment preceding urgent action, not-yet-panic, sufficiently present to stall any move to action; there was no cause for taking action, and nothing to react to. It was merely morning. I was simply awake.

My morning felt far more than necessarily purposeful, and lacking any clear purpose this seemed strange. My dreams were perhaps still chasing me… Coffee. Music. I listened to my favorite playlist over my morning coffee, catching up on Facebook, avoiding more personal writing as though the words might suddenly jump out from dark corners, presenting some alarming situation for which I was not adequately prepared. Fucking nightmares. Damn it. It’s an ordinary enough morning off, and already I no longer remember the contents of my dreams, only the massive saturating feeling of disappointment and “I told you so” feeling of inevitability and suffering that characterized them. I didn’t really notice I had been avoiding being alone in the stillness this morning until the sky had begun to lighten outside the windows, and realized I’d kept the music fairly loud in my ears for some hours, coffee cold, every bookmarked article read, all the other tabs besides the “add new post” tab on my blog finally closed… It was hard, at that point, to overlook that I was stalling. How odd.

Over my second coffee, the world slowly emerges from the mist, and looking like an ordinary enough morning in every respect. Whatever startled me from my sleep, leaving me feeling vigilant and over-prepared, and vaguely “combat ready”, is nothing more substantial than the morning mist, itself. I feel my breathing deepen and my shoulders relax.

Another misty morning

The holiday weekend, and the end of the winter holiday season, is right there at the end of the week on my calendar. Another year at an end. I’m unlikely to see my Traveling Partner; his celebrations are planned in a quite social way, where I tend to celebrate New Year’s as a more solitary contemplative event, as with most years. (I don’t mind that we celebrate in our own way; we are equally welcome with each other, should we choose to break from our own traditions to get together.)

Today is the day facing me, though. What’s to be done with that? Here I sit, sipping my coffee, a lovely misty morning unfolding… for leisure? For labor? For love? Maybe the end of this cup of coffee will come with answers… Today seems a good one to take a moment, embrace it, enjoy it, savor it, and move on to the next. I’ll think I’ll start there. It’s enough to be here, awake and aware, taking my journey moment by moment.

Tags anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, listening deeply, meditation, nightmares and daydreams, perspective, planning and being, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, visiting the nightmare city, walking my own path

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, War and News of War, winter

Making the Time

December 27, 2016 //

I slept in today. It’s still dark outside, though. I slept well and deeply, waking only once that I know of, and returning to sleep with relative ease. I woke with a stiff neck, eased by morning yoga and physical therapy exercises. It is a gentle morning, and I am not working today. The break from work, with the associated cognitive rest, is welcome. I yawn, and stretch, and sip my coffee contentedly, thinking about my partner, and the day ahead.

Capturing a similar sense of relaxed leisure during the busy work weeks, in those moments which are truly undeniably my own, is something that exists as a… goal? Intention? Ideal? Something like that. It’s a nice balance, when I succeed, to enjoy my limited leisure time in a fully relaxed, aware, mindful way, wringing all the joy and contentment out of them that they may offer. Sometimes I find myself enjoying it quite as I’d like, and happily so. Other times, not so much – my thoughts may be pulled back to work topics, or to actual work-related cognitive task-processing, thinking through the details before I even get to work, or lingering over them long after I have ended my busy day. It isn’t really helpful to over-extend myself, and good quality rest and downtime are a huge part of feeling content and well, generally. The hours I am now so often inclined to spend “sneaking back to work” in my thoughts used to be those hours I spent similarly mired in work, but doing so from the perspective of feeling resentful to be there at all. ever. Funny how difficult it can be to let it go and embrace my own time, for my own purposes. It takes practice.

This morning the pre-dawn darkness lingers past 7 am. Sunrise is not until almost 8 am this morning. The sky is only now beginning to hint at lightness, where the clouds part, silhouetting trees against the sky. Soon I will take my coffee to the cushion at the patio door to watch the sunrise. It’s not a fancy moment, really, just one that I enjoy sufficiently to make time for it. Isn’t that the thing that is so often missing? Time. In this busy life, so many things I enjoy don’t just happen; it is necessary to make time for them. Walks through the park. Conversation with a friend. Coffee and a sunrise. Watching the birds at the feeder. Writing a letter on paper. Reading a book. It is necessary to make the time for the things I love. What matters most? The job? Oh, surely not! There is more to life – and not only somewhen beyond retirement, there is more to life right now than getting up and going to work, coming home and going to sleep, and repeating that cycle endlessly. We are not machines. Work is the least important thing about any one of us – even doctors, teachers, scientists. Our professional life is such a small piece of who we each are. I remind myself how critical it is to make the time to be a whole being, enjoying and savoring each moment.

Today is mine. It’s a nice luxury. Today is a good day to enjoy the woman in the mirror. Where will the day take me?

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, women, Words

A Very Good Beginning

December 20, 2016 //

I woke up this morning. That’s an excellent start on any new day. 🙂 A good beginning.

Once I woke up, got through the start-of-the-day self-care basics, and made some coffee, I was fortunate to enjoy a few moments replying to correspondence from a friend. There were also some amusing memes and interesting posts on Facebook to enjoy. The weather has changed from “properly winter”, cold and icy, back to something more distinctly Portland, raining and mild. I am entertained watching a raccoon playing a short distance from the patio. My coffee is hot and satisfying.

It could be any morning. That’s pretty nice, actually, and I pause to enjoy the awareness that these gentle quiet mornings are a regular thing here. I used to have a lot of baggage around mornings. Hell… maybe I still do, only I’ve rebuilt mornings in such a way that those issues just don’t come up? I’ll have to ask my Traveling Partner sometime; he’s shared mornings with this human being that I am in many contexts over a handful of years, his perspective would be interesting.

Going in…

Work will be busy. Easier to get to without the snow. I smile; it’s a moment of real delight to contemplate the walk over the bridge, and the pause for the view along the Eastbank Esplanade. Better still to enjoy the moment when it comes – but I do enjoy the recollection very much. My mind drifts past the workday, to the walk in the evening twilight as it becomes night, heading for home again.

…and returning home.

My thoughts turn to love. I smile. My relationships are in good shape. I am surrounded by friends who care. It’s a nice time to be this person that I happen to be, whether by choice or by happenstance. I sit for a time enjoying that, too. It’s a nice morning for enjoying things.

Sure, the world can be scary. Seriously, right now? America? Scary. I could stare into that anxiety-provoking abyss for a good long while, freaking myself out, and destroying my balance and calm, rendering myself less effective, and impeding my ability to think clearly for myself. I could. I’m not, though, not today. Today, I’m just enjoying this pleasant morning. That’s enough. Enough on which to build strength and resolve, and a will to act with care, to make value-based decisions that benefit me, benefit my loves, my community, my world; we’re all in this together. We get there – wherever that is – one choice at a time. Today is a good day to choose to take care of me, in the ways that make me best able to return the favor to the world. 🙂

Tags anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, War and News of War

No Metaphor, It’s Only Winter

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End One, Begin Another

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Waking to Weird

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Making the Time

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A Very Good Beginning

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