Archives for posts with tag: change is
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Summer Rain

September 1, 2023 //
1

Yesterday it rained. All day a lovely misty rain fell, after a drenching downpour during the wee hours. The day was a bit more humid than is typical here. The temperature stayed mild, neither hot nor chilly. Each time I ventured out, I was hit with the kisses of tiny raindrops that enveloped me in dampness almost instantly. The sky was gray, all day. It felt more like an autumn day than anything to do with the end of summer. Autumn is almost here.

I’ve got a short solo camping trip planned for the Autumnal Equinox. I’m looking forward to it. I had planned this one before I was laid off. I kept it on the calendar in spite of the lay-off, figuring it was basically already paid for (other than the cost of gas to get there and back), and I’d benefit from the break in routine whether working or not. Once I was laid off, there was no conflict with work to think about at all. Now… I’m back to work beginning next Tuesday, after the Labor Day holiday weekend. Now, the timing is… less than ideal, being so soon after I start the new job. I’m fortunate to have a boss who is 100% supportive of living life, and enjoying it, and I’ll still be going camping. 😀 Funny how quickly circumstances (and context) can change.

…I find myself distracted by the recollection that the office of the company I’m joining is located sort of nearby a different place I once worked, and I look up the address on the internet, and mentally plan the drive in on Tuesday (for onboarding, and picking up my work laptop). I’m excited about this job, way beyond the commonplace relief of not being unemployed… I’m really looking forward to joining the team, and working with this group of people that has so many familiar faces. I feel… enthusiastic. 😀 It’s lovely to feel that way about work. I sip my coffee and smile to myself, looking out the window to the gray sky and fluffy autumnal clouds beyond.

I take a moment to savor the feelings I feel right now. I let the words for the feelings land softly in my thoughts: joyful, contented, at ease, eager, enthusiastic, hopeful, purposeful, valued, appreciated, grateful, delighted, satisfied, happy, pleased, energized, committed, encouraged, prepared, ready… I sip my coffee enjoying the complexity and nuance of overlapping and intersecting positive emotions. I find myself wondering why, as human beings and as a society, we don’t spend more time explicitly savoring and reflecting upon the many sorts of positive emotions we possess the ability to feel? How often do we ever truly feel just one singular emotion standing alone in our consciousness, entirely defining our experience? Is joy mixed with hope a different experience than joy mixed with delight? What about a feeling of preparedness mixed with enthusiasm – is that different than a feeling of preparedness mixed with contentment? As the feelings mingle, do they evolve into some wholly new emulsion of emotion for which I lack language, or do they remain individual elements stacked upon one another, like oil and water?

It’s a lovely quiet morning, heading into the long Labor Day weekend. I feel like celebrating. I know it’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Summer

Sometimes Change Just Comes Looking for You

August 5, 2023 //
0

I woke up this morning feeling pretty light-of-heart, with no particular amount of detectable stress (“normal” or otherwise), in a pleasant (even merry) mood, with a sunny outlook on life, love, and the world, generally. It’s a nice place to be. I take a sip of my (2nd) coffee and smile, pondering all of my favorite iterations of the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question and feeling hopeful and contented. Started the day with a lovely walk. Got the grocery shopping out of the way early. Returned home to enjoy a coffee with my partner. Took all my meds on time. 😀

…I got laid off from my job this week…

Change is a thing. We can chase it because we seek it, or we can attempt to avoid it while it chases us, but for sure change is a thing. There is no real chance to live a life without change (and who would really want that?). I’m feeling pretty good. I suspect because although the job was a good one, on a team with some good talent, at a good company with a useful product and a lofty vision, headed by inventive engaging – and inspiring – founders… there was a bit of “sand in my oyster” nonetheless.

Managers come in a lot of shapes, sizes, and management styles, and some of them are good at that work, others less so, but in all cases that employee<>manager dynamic? Yeah… that’s a relationship. Some relationships are super crappy and don’t ultimately work out, and this is true even of some relationships where the human beings involved are otherwise decent humans. Some relationships never really have a chance, hampered by deceits, foolishness, or baggage. Being able to walk away from toxic management is a useful skill. In this case, the departure was “forced on me” (timing-wise), but I was already looking, and already deeply aware that I could not thrive working with that manager. My Traveling Partner and I had already discussed my work-stress, and the need to do something different with my time. I’ve only got so much of that – why would I spend it 1. where I’m not valued or 2. being miserable? (And who the hell wants to waste even one moment of their time on bullshit game-playing or toxic relationships or people?)

Think about where you are. Are you where you want to be? What can you do to change that experience? What will you do? Are you making choices for change, or waiting for change to chase you down? I sip my coffee and think about that. I don’t find myself mired in sorrow or regret, just a bit curious why I didn’t pay attention more closely to the very first red-flags, and make changes swiftly.

Good content for self-reflection: https://markmanson.net/

I think about what’s next. I think about what I’m good at, and what my experience in work and life has taught me, that I can use – demonstrated real-world value – wherever I land next. It’s time, again, to seek change, and to embrace it.

…It’s also time to bake, to cook, to garden to relax, to love, to spend my time my way on the things I enjoy most. It’s time to build intimacy with my partner, and to invest time in friendships with folks it has been tough to make time for over the past year. It’s time to invest my time in my personal and professional growth – and I’ve got the time to give it. No regrets. This was another “good fold” (to use the language of poker for just a moment), and there’s very little stress involved at all. Indeed, quite the contrary – I feel excited to embark on a new chapter, and to see what else is out there in the world, from the perspective of recent skills and experience gained. I even feel prepared (to be fair, my Traveling Partner saw it coming, and had encouraged me to start looking quite some time ago). Resilience and emotional intelligence for the win; therapy finally paying off. 😀

Mmmmm… my time is my own. It’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, turning 60

It’s Always a Good Time to Change

April 16, 2023 //
0

I’m sipping a cup of tea and thinking about life. In general, things are good. My anxiety has flared up, though, and it often feels as though “dial is turned up to 11“. My PTSD is reliably aggravated by my anxiety… and my anxiety is aggravated when my PTSD flares up… and around and around I go. My finger tips are torn and my cuticles are ragged from gnawing at them mindlessly. My Traveling Partner notes my overall stress level and suggests various things to help me “relax” – I reliably reply that I am relaxed – I’m not.

My self-care is going to shit quickly… there’s definitely a “mind-body” connection to be considered, too. As my anxiety worsens, I sleep more poorly. As my quality of sleep degrades, my pain becomes harder to manage. As my physical condition worsens over time, my emotional resilience is undermined, and I become more volatile, more easily provoked to anger, and struggle more and more to maintain a rational perspective on circumstances and events. It’s an emotionally painful and demoralizing process.

…I’ve “been here” before. I have tools now that I lacked years ago. I know to address the source(s) of my stress, and to meditate regularly, and practice non-attachment. I have learned over time that my reaction-in-the-moment, at the best of times, is likely to be less helpful that a well-considered, responsive approach, that is nuanced and thorough. I know that I am prone to “catastrophizing” and that this can become a real problem very quickly, robbing me of perspective, and a sense of sufficiency. I quickly “lose my joy”.

So, I am sipping this cup of tea and thinking about practices, and next steps, and how best to take care of myself under the current circumstances. It’s not “easy”, but that’s often the case with stressful situations. I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner, and good quality of life; at least I’m not having to also worry about those details!

I had talked things over with my therapist at my most recent appointment. He made some follow-up suggestions – almost a “homework” assignment, in practical terms. It was just 4 things he wanted me to consider doing. I’ve done two of those, so far. Feels pretty good.

I sigh. I am thinking about how often it seems that when a person expresses a deep interest in a topic, or shares some detail that gives them great joy, there’s often someone lurking in their social network who seems eager to pull the rug out from under them. Weird, eh? Don’t do that. Treat people as people. Treat them with kindness (you don’t know what they are going through). Appreciate that you can’t possibly know life and the world (or the decision-making of others) from the perspective of someone else – even if they choose to share that perspective with you. We’re each having our own experience. Do what you can not to fuck things up for someone else, eh? If we each did just that, the world would be far more pleasant for many more people.

This weekend my Traveling Partner when for a long drive together. We talked about life, and future other camping and cool drives we’d like to take together out in the wildernesses of America. It was lovely. Time well-spent. It’s not enough, however pleasant, to remove all my challenges from my experience of self. I’ve got the issues I’ve got. I’m learning to manage them more skillfully – and sometimes that means “change”.

It’s time to breathe. Exhale. Relax. And begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War

How to Prepare for Change

March 29, 2023 //
0

I sip my morning coffee thinking about “change”, as I anticipate changes to come that may or may not be “what I want”. I’m okay with uncertainty these days, more than I’ve ever previously been as far as I can recall. Change is. I can prepare for it, embrace it when it arrives (or seek further, other, changes), and see where it takes me, or I can… not do that, and struggle with it instead. There is very little potential that I can avoid change. I sip my coffee and think about the conversation I had with my boss yesterday. Promising. No, I’m not going to be more specific – I don’t know what the future holds. I’m open to it, though, and ready to gently comply with circumstances, or seek further change – depends on the outcomes, I suppose. I’m certainly not expecting to “stand still” in life. lol

How do I “prepare for change”, though? Depends on the changes, I guess, but I usually start with envisioning life as it may be following the change(s) I anticipate (or have chosen). I take time to read and study details or ideas that are new for me, or present challenges – what can I learn before the change is upon me? Do I have questions? Concerns? I look into those details. I probably make a list of things I’d want done before the change comes – or will want to do to meet the challenge as it comes.

If my anxiety is vexing me with regard to some particular anticipated change, I spend time reflecting on successful other experiences of change in my life, generally. This reminds me that it’s do-able, and that I’m capable.

From there, the last bit of “change prep” I find reliably helpful is to be kind to myself, and alert for any potential self-sabotage that I’d do well to … not do.

None of us are truly alone on this journey that is one mortal life, yet we’re each walking our own path, and having our own experience. It’s a strange puzzle. With my boss’s words lingering in my thoughts, I contemplate where I can develop new connections, build new bridges, shore up incomplete knowledge, explore new learning relevant to the change we had discussed. It’s exciting to feel the process of growth and progress. One thing I enjoy about all this is that I get to keep everything I learn along the way – whether the change that comes is what I anticipated, or something completely different. I continue to grow. Exciting.

I sip my coffee thoughtfully. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. It’s a pleasant (quiet) Wednesday morning. It’s a good time to prepare for change. It’s a good time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

Change and Change Again

March 16, 2023 //
1

It’s the first morning I’ve had any “writing time” in what seems like a very long while, although it has only been 6 days. “Only” 6 days? It’s been nearly a week! I am struck by how long it actually has been, even as I observe how little time that is, from another vantage point. I try to think about what I was doing before last weekend that would have halted my writing in that way, and finding myself a bit lacking. I startled myself with an abrupt bark of a laugh in this quiet early morning space. Right. That was it…

…The same events that changed the entire character of the “department on-site get together” I went to the city for this week had also altered the flow of my days last week. Just that; work. There it is, though; change. Change is…

What had been planned as a fun sort of re-calibrating/re-charging sort of get together of colleagues who rarely meet IRL or work together collaboratively in a shared physical space in a single time zone became a tactical gathering of professionals doing what they do in an extraordinary way to meet extraordinary needs. Instead of a handful of structured pleasant meetings, ice-breakers, team-building exercises, and after hours get-togethers and social activities, it was work. A lot of work, long days, fast-paced and very demanding, and we were mostly all too exhausted to do much partying. Most of the structured strategic planning or informational sessions were just cancelled, and others were re-planned to be recorded content for later consumption. Many of us didn’t make it to any after hours activities at all; too tired. I put in about the same hours in 3 days this week than I generally do in an entire week. lol The week is not over.

I’m not even bitching about any of this. It was amazing to see the team come together as a well-coordinated effective professional powerhouse. We got so much done that was needful and even urgent. Pretty cool. (I would not want to try to sustain this kind of intensity or pace, it would quickly be exploitative and abusive.)

I’m so glad to be home again! I feel rather as if I was very far away for a very long time, although I was only gone 3 nights, and I was only 47 miles away. My Traveling Partner missed me. I missed him. (So much!) We enjoyed a lovely chill evening together. It was nice to cook a simple meal in my own kitchen (we had hot dogs). It was so good to be in my own bed, again. 😀

I’m only half un-packed, and I’m sitting here sipping my coffee thinking about how to most easily pivot from getting laundry done and unpacking to repacking for my wee coastal holiday next week. (So soon!) There was nothing restful about the trip to the city I just returned from, and although I missed my Traveling Partner enough to consider (briefly) canceling my coastal getaway, I know I actually really need to take some proper time for myself, to rest and recharge. I’m so tired! LOL A couple days on the coast, sleeping in, writing, reading, drinking coffee, walking the beach – it will be a healthy investment in my wellness and resilience.

I sigh out loud, remembering an errand I need to run today and making a point of putting that “top of mind”. I feel my attention tugged in the direction of planning the day. It must be time to begin again… 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »