Archives for posts with tag: how much is enough?

Someone else’s powerful poetry serves this moment up to me, this morning. (Thanks, David Bowie.)

Still don’t know what I was waitin’ for
And my time was runnin’ wild
A million dead end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
How the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Surfing the waves of joy and anxiety crashing over my consciousness this morning, celebrating change, reveling in agency, and…but… yeah, also having to manage the anxiety that comes with full throttle adulthood in real-time. Scary. Deliciously unpredictable. My sleep is disrupted, and I woke groggy from having too much to dream. I’m already walking that fine line between “enough coffee” and “what the fuck was I thinking having all that coffee?”

Choosing to make a job change (or career change, depending on how those words are defined, but either way, a change of employer) feels a bit strange and disorienting in this moment. It’s “the right move” for me right now, a good choice, based on sound decision-making (from the only perspective I have in this moment, which is… this perspective, now). Still, willfully acting on that perspective, taking full advantage of personal agency, and acting with clarity of purpose in the context of living the life I want to live, that supports my long-term needs and goals, still shakes me up a bit, and causes me considerable anxiety. Maybe it always will. The anxiety isn’t stopping me; this feels right. A good practice; don’t take my emotions as facts upon which decisions must be made.

…It’s still sort of nerve-wracking, now and then. Small stressors loom larger than they need to be. I find myself sort of “holding my own hand” now and then, and seeking out favored colleagues for moments of connection, sharing, and support. Taking time to acknowledge their importance and value to me before I leave really meets some needs, for me, and seems to for them as well. A good practice; connect with people. Authentically. Even, if I dare to use such words in the context of work, tenderly. With care. Consideration. Gratitude. Joy.

It’s a slow sort of celebration. There’ll be a few days between the one and the other, which I definitely need in order to ensure that I leave any baggage and old business behind, before I start on a new adventure. Another good practice; get my head right, let go of baggage.

I’m taking myself seriously – but not taking my bullshit personally. 🙂 Or, at the moment, anyone else’s. It feels pretty nice, overall. Each dawn brings a new beginning… some beginnings are bigger than others. Some are chosen with great care. Some are simply circumstances presenting opportunities. Some are all those things.

I got home last night fairly happy just to make it safely home at all. I can’t make any claims to enjoying my commute. :-\ Last night was a hair-raising example of “how bad can it be?”

I spent the evening relaxing, regaining my softer side, and just chilling as evening settled and became night. I don’t really recall it with any detail or clarity. I know that I relaxed and enjoy the quiet evening well past that time that makes sense for me to call it a night and get some damned sleep. LOL I’m paying for that choice this morning. I would happily go back to bed. I didn’t “do” anything though; I made a commitment to studious relaxation. Goal met. lol

So tired this morning… as if that relaxation stuff were mighty difficult work. lol I’m okay with being more honest with myself than that; I didn’t get enough sleep. Being more careful about that will serve me well. Cheating myself on sleep does not rise to the level of “good self-care”. I even know this, I just lost track of time sitting by the fire, daydreaming.

Sleep and sleep quality are a big deal. I put myself at risk of all manner of cognitive weirdness, and even increased risk of ill-health, by undermining my sleep hygiene. Too many days on too little sleep, and I’ll quickly experience a decline in cognitive efficiency, attention to detail, memory, and emotional resilience – it just doesn’t make sense to be careless with my sleep habits. So. I give the woman in the mirror a stern talking to, which she’ll no doubt do her best to heed. Being human, I can also be fairly certain it’ll come up again. I mean, seriously? I did not lose track of time by intent. lol

Sitting here yawning over my coffee two things occur to me: I can begin again, and before I can type out a coherent sentence, the other thing slips away, lost. LOL I better get right on that beginning again, stuff… maybe… a second cup of coffee? 😀