Archives for posts with tag: I am my own cartographer

Well That Took Some Adulting

March 2, 2017 //

Yesterday as I walked through town on my the commute into the office, I found myself fighting a feeling of urgently wanting to “just keep walking”. I walked through town wondering about neighborhoods I’d never seen. I took a couple sort-of-scenic detours down streets less familiar. I even slowed my pace a bit to more fully enjoy the moment. It was hard to fight off the feeling that I just didn’t want to be forced into a cubicle, a labor-box, in return for money… I wanted to walk on. I wanted to put miles on my feet, and feel the morning breeze in my hair. I wondered how far along the Willamette River I could go, along the paved walk of the Eastbank Esplanade, and where the day would take me if I only simply walked and walked and walked…until…

…I pause in the usual place…

…And then I arrived at my usual destination, quite properly grown up and adult, and sat down at my desk with my coffee, and got started doing all of the things. I started the day looking forward to hanging out with my Traveling Partner in the evening; by the end of the day, which was upon me rather abruptly and somewhat unexpectedly, I was tired to the point of regretting making any plans that did not include quiet, meditation, and an early bed time. lol Some adult I am. 😉

…On the other side of the work day, I return home.

Actually… I did okay on the adulting. I enjoyed my morning walk. I allowed myself my emotions, and the freedom to let my imagination explore other potential choices. I showed up where I was expected to be for a day of planned employment. I worked well and efficiently, and got things done that needed doing. Tired at the end of the day, I reached out to my partner in a comfortably self-aware fashion, and suggested a reschedule – because I needed rest, and a late night would potentially impact days to come. I got home, and took care of me. I think, just maybe, I still struggle a bit with how very different my thoughts on adulthood are as an adult living life, than I expected to from the youthful perspective of someone not yet quite adult. (I had no idea I’d value sleep so fucking much, for one thing. lol) 🙂

Here it is today, again. Time to begin again. Again. I wake. Do some yoga. Meditate. Enjoy a shower. Dress. Sit down with my coffee to write. I’ll ride the train over the hill, then walk through town to the office. I’ll work my shift, and return home. I’ll enjoy a brief evening, in some modest way, and call it a night sufficiently early to get adequate rest and still rise again, well before 5 am. It is an adult life built on my choices, directed by my goals. I’m not imprisoned in my life; I’m building something. It takes time.

I look ahead to the weekend with a smile. Right now, it’s enough.

Tomorrow… I’ll begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, breathe, each moment the only moment, each time for the first time, I am my own cartographer, living metaphors, one step at a time, p.s. I love you, perspective, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, taking in the view, TBI, walk on, walking meditation, walking my own mile, where am I headed?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Neutral Gray Monday

February 27, 2017 //

If I were to paint the morning on canvas I would start with a neutral gray background. It’s just that sort of morning. Routine. Ordinary. Generally pleasant. Nothing driving any noteworthy stress – or delight. There are moments when I wonder if I’ve forgotten something I’ve committed to. Other moments when I feel fairly certain the morning is complete. The dangling loose ends of unfinished weekend conversations linger in my thoughts; some are emails I’ve not yet replied to, others are chats ended abruptly at the end of an evening or with a knock on the door. I sip my coffee and think about the world.

It’s a peculiar morning, lacking specific form or trajectory; the day could become anything at all. I’m okay with that. I make a second coffee, and consider the best ways to let the day unfold, unhindered by my expectations. I remind myself that I need to stop by the pharmacy for my Traveling Partner after work, and set an alarm and add a calendar event to see that I don’t overlook it.

I sip my coffee and wonder at the morning. I feel calm and content, and generally rested. There is nothing to object to about the start of the day, in any specific way. It’s all quite pleasant enough. The morning somehow fails to satisfy beyond basic satisfaction. I re-read that sentence and laugh at my monkey mind still reaching for “more”, after finding enough. I breathe and relax. I sip my coffee contentedly. I allow enough to be truly enough. No wonder human primates find their lives so difficult; we go looking for difficulties even when none exist in our experience of the moment. Silly primates.

I smile and put on my headphones, choosing to enjoy this moment, here, without further delay. It’s enough to change the moment… it is enough to change the world (in some very tiny, barely noticeable way, but still… there it is, changed).

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, Monday Monday, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Between Nightmares and Moments

February 26, 2017 //

I woke from troubled dreams sometime around three, still in pain. With effort, I pulled myself fully free of sleep and made the hard choice to take something for my pain, and tried to go back to sleep. I’m in less pain now, but the sleep thing didn’t really work out, so I’m up with a nice cup of coffee much too early on a Sunday, but still feeling well-rested, and now I’m not in so much pain…so… there’s that. 🙂 I don’t even recall with any clarity what my nightmares were about… debt… loneliness… “failure”. Dreams of discouragement and heartbreak. I remember the mood and the emotions, but the details are fading quickly. I think I’m okay with that. 🙂

I’ve no idea what today holds. I’ve got the laundry sorted… I guess I’m doing laundry. Well, it needs to be done, and living alone it’s entirely on me to do it. Now and then I may yield to some moment of adolescent foolishness, forgetting that no one else will undertake the day-to-day tasks of maintaining my lifestyle, and put aside some bit of housekeeping or another. I end up regretting that as soon as I am faced with non-negotiable workload on timing not of my choosing. So yeah, laundry today. lol I think back to the holidays; I’d lost control of my recycling in the weeks after the Yule holiday, unexpectedly, having set aside good quality boxes, thinking I might move in January, then faced with snow and ice such that physically getting to and from the recycling bin wasn’t logistically possible (for me) while also carrying the recycling. The recycling piled up a bit, and because it was “an eyesore”, I moved the boxes into my studio, where there was more space… which became more boxes. My Traveling Partner and a friend noticed I had fallen behind, and on a visit they helpfully undertook breaking down the boxes and hauling them up the driveway to the recycling bin for me. I had it on my list to do for that upcoming weekend, and I definitely appreciated their help with that; the task had begun to overwhelm me, and the likelihood I might continue to put it off had increased because of that. (I try not to get to that point with any one housekeeping task for that reason.)

Yesterday’s blue skies took no notice of my pain. I made a point of noticing the blue skies. 🙂

I looked around yesterday, in the morning, and spent the day on housekeeping, aside from the delightful hours I spent with my Traveling Partner in the afternoon. It was a day well-spent, in spite of the amount of pain I was in. This morning I don’t hurt so much. There’s still some housekeeping to do, and I’m torn… I’d also like to paint, but I think this particular weekend is one to spend on self-care in the form of unpaid labor: laundry, vacuuming, tidying things up generally, preparing my tax documents. These are all also a good use of my time. These are things that do need to be done. Being an adult, it is fully on me to do these things. Being adult, I know that as investments go, investing my own effort into my desired quality of life matters a great deal.

“Irises” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow, February 2017

For me, adequate studio time is a quality of life concern. 🙂

“Hillside Meadow” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow, February 2017

I listen to the rain fall. There’s likely time, and light (later), for painting too; that is the advantage of having real studio space right here. I’ll have to see where these moments take me, today. Perhaps I’ll light a fire and read a book instead? I sit quietly, listening to the rain, and the wind chime rocking in the pre-dawn wind, distracted from my writing.

Rainy morning, before dawn – what does the day hold? Where will my journey take me?

Today is a good day for being and becoming. Today is a good day to take the very best care of the person in the mirror. Today is a good day for meditation, for housekeeping, for sipping coffee and watching the rain fall. Today is a good day to change the world within these walls, and within this heart. Today that’s enough. ❤

Tags art and the artist, artist at work, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I paint because I don't have the words for that, make it glow!, MBSR, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, p.s. I love you, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?, working artist with a day job

Categories Anxiety, Art, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Too Soon?

February 24, 2017 //

Well… damn. I slept rather restlessly, waking briefly, often. Around 3:20 am I woke, really woke, and got up for a drink of water, took my morning medication, and went back to bed. I mean, shit, it’s Saturday; I can sleep in!! 😀

I forgot to shut off my alarm, though, before I went to bed. It went off at the usual time. I’d only just really fallen deeply asleep, and without a thought I rolled over, turned it off, and went back to sleep. Restful, blissful, deep deep sleep… So nice. At some moment, probably approximately 5:51 am, my consciousness roused just enough to smile to myself and feel some amusement that I hadn’t at all planned the day or the weekend. How strange is that?

How strange is that?

No, hey, you there – sleeping – that’s strange, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

My eyes opened ever so slightly and noted perceptible loss of darkness in the room… then it hit me; it’s Friday and I have work today. Fuck. Fuck, and damn it, and… LOL.

I didn’t quite launch myself from the bed, and I was calm and fairly together as I checked the time. 5:51 am. I felt a huge wave of relief; I can be entirely on time for my day, nonetheless, and start doing the things. No need to rush through my routine at breakneck speed, very little of the morning is spent on that. I accept that I won’t have coffee, or write, this morning and get one with things.

By 6:15 am, I’ve showered and dressed (a t-shirt and jeans go well with both my hiking boots and the work culture, so… yeah, done and done). I start the dishwasher while I make coffee… and even sit down to tell the merry tale of misadventure before I leave for a work day I’d forgotten I have. The chaos in my morning… isn’t. I’m okay right now. My routine pays off. Practicing the practices pays off. I am resilient… and I’m ready to bounce. I’ll even leave the house on time! 😀

I’m not bragging. …I suppose if you aren’t aware that oversleeping on a work day could have put me in a state of unmanageable hysterics as little as 7 years ago, on this whole other “do you think we should… call someone?” level, it might not make sense that I am smiling, and merry, and even quite pleased with the morning so far. Why punish an entire Friday for 81 minutes of sweet restless sleep stolen from my morning? I must have needed the rest pretty badly. I’m glad I got it. 😀

Ready? Begin!

Today is a good day to pause, and appreciate what works. Today is a good day to build on what is. Today is a good day for being quite human, and being quite okay with that. 🙂 Isn’t that enough?

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, winter

Reconsidering Everyday Carry

February 21, 2017 //

I’m smiling over my coffee after a weekend of painting. Switching gears to be ready to head in to the office this morning feels the tiniest bit “artificial” and forced. I carefully consider my “everyday carry” items, checking them off a mental list: access badge, card case, house keys, bus pass, packed lunch… Each item is utterly essential for its purpose, and sufficiently commonplace that I need to have it on me each day, at least as the day begins.

I find myself, as I often do, considering “everyday carry” in a more metaphysical way, and contemplating what I am well-served to have going for me, each day, in my cognitive and emotional backpack as I get the day started. Resilience. I definitely favor making a point to be adequately prepared with emotional resilience each day; I never know when life is going to haplessly knock me down. I like knowing I am prepared to get back up and begin again. Oh, and I’m also going to want to bring as much mindful awareness along for the day as I can; it’s more than helpful to be aware and in the moment, and also to recall that we are each having our own experience. So, perspective gets stuffed into my mental backpack for the day, too. Kindness? For sure, I’m definitely going to be bringing along kindness; I try to plan on enough so that I don’t run out before the day ends. A sense of sufficiency helps ease stress all day long, and minimizes any creeping sense of entitlement that might sneak in somewhere, so I maintain that with great care, too.

What’s in your everyday carry of the heart? How about your cognitive everyday carry? Are you prepared for imagined disasters, but not for the most likely stressors you’ll face each day? Are you prepared for major successes, but not for small failures? Flip that one on its head – are you prepared only for failure, but giving no consideration to success’ sometimes weighty consequences? I’m just saying, it’s a an exercise worth indulging to consider one’s preparedness for the day from the perspective of emotional experience, and of likely real-world events that any one of us might be required to face. We think to double-check that we’ve grabbed our house keys, our credit cards, and our cell phones before we head out for the day, why wouldn’t we also “check ourselves” and ensure we are bringing our best self, and our most skillful self-care along as well?

Some days are rainy. I may need different things in my everyday carry to account for the weather. 🙂

Today is a good day to be prepared. Today is a good day to choose, to act, and to change for the better. We become what we practice. We could, if we choose, practice changing the world. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well That Took Some Adulting

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Neutral Gray Monday

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Between Nightmares and Moments

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Too Soon?

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Reconsidering Everyday Carry

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