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All The Things

July 23, 2018 //
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Morning again? I sip my coffee. Definitely morning. I could let it go at that, this morning, and feel content I’d said enough. 🙂

There’s a day and a week ahead. Q4 still ahead. The year is, however, half over, a bit more, really. There are months with holidays to plan in them, months without much going on, all will involved one or more weekends making the drive down south. I’m already tired thinking about that. lol I take a breath and pull my consciousness back to “now”. “Today” is quite enough to deal with today. lol I expect it to be a hot one, based on the weather reports. I take a moment to appreciate air conditioning – at home, and at the office. I am fortunate.

I continue to sip my coffee and let my brain finish waking up. Funny that I manage this in spite of not yet being fully awake. I spend a moment or two musing about brain function, generally. I refill my (iced) coffee glass with water. Hot day ahead; it just makes sense to drink plenty of water.

I think back on the lovely weekend. Restful. Productive. Healthy. A good one in general, full of fun moments, and good times. I went my own way after brunch with friends. Walked through the Saturday Market (on Sunday) on my way home. Talked to artists. Enjoyed the sunshine a while, happy that it was not stiflingly hot.  I smile and return my consciousness to “now”, again.

It’s a Monday morning. Monday mornings are great for beginning again. 🙂 I wonder where the day – and week – will take me?

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Categories art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Breathe Through It

July 20, 2018 //
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I woke rested after crashing super early. One of the definite perks of adulthood isn’t really about “getting to stay up as late as I want” – although from the vantage point of childhood that was a pretty big deal – it’s more relevant that I can easily choose to sleep “whenever I want” (with some obvious restrictions, like not choosing to do so while I’m at work lol). So… I did. I called it a night early and got the additional rest I was obviously needing in the moment. Nice.

My comfortable, rested, cheery state of being was almost knocked askew by fucking Facebook, of all things. Damn some people are… yeah, well, they’re people. We can leave it there. I persist in being astonished by human cruelty, human stupidity, human aggression, and the “us vs. them” bullshit that divides us all. I just don’t get it – why don’t more people choose differently?

I started down the path of “letting it get to me”, which could potentially promise a fairly miserable Friday, given the chance to take over my consciousness. I decide, instead, to simply “breathe through it” and let that less than ideally comfortable moment pass.

Now it’s just me, my coffee, and this headache that I no longer recall whether it is continuous since the last one, or an altogether new one. It’s a headache. Having one has become a nearly permanent condition. I sip my coffee, and breathe through that, too. 🙂

I stay home this weekend. There’s plenty to do here. My fairly lengthy “to do list” of chores and errands is long-ish, and persistent about being on my mind. Self-care comes in many forms. This weekend, apparently, it takes the form of vacuuming, dishes, laundry, weeding, and watering. lol All things that are necessary to building the quality of life I most enjoy. So. Verbs and all, I’ll be doing some things around the house this weekend. I’m okay with that. I’m also looking forward to sleeping in… I mean, really – and no alarm clock. (Pretty sure I’d have slept even later, this morning, without the alarm going off.)

It’s not fancy. It’s life. One moment, one day, one practice at a time, it all amounts to living life. The rest are details and choices that determine what sort of life it is to live. 🙂

It’s time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

So Far, So Good

July 19, 2018 //
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It was a less than ideally comfortable moment, last week, when my therapist so frankly and calmly observed that I seemed “unwell” and that “we” need to work on that. He doesn’t play when it comes to mental and emotional health, that’s sort of his whole deal, but the “we” who needs to work on my mental and emotional health? Yeah, that’s me. He’s a great resource, but the verbs entirely belong to me. lol

I explored his observations over the weekend. I considered his words – and reconsidered mine, in context. I contemplated where practices were failing me, and was frank with myself regarding practices that were not being consistently practiced, or perhaps were less than effective, over time. I made some changes, because change is a thing, and embracing it can really work in my favor (and has, more than once).  My therapist proved to be quite correct about a number of things. It’s a journey. I’m very human. There are ample opportunities to begin again. lol

I already feel more balanced, contented, stable, and confident that “things will be okay”. It’s a good place to be on a Thursday, ahead of a work day, in the middle of a week that has been rather busy. I’m looking forward to the weekend. (I’d really like to sleep in.)

I’d started feeling really overwhelmed by my “to do list”, which just never seems to diminish, and had some “permanent” items that seemed sort of… stuck there. lol I’ve been tackling those one by one, now. That feels pretty good. I’d begun to avert my eyes from my list of shit that needs to get done… because I didn’t really feel like doing… any of it. Oh my. A hint of depression had apparently crept into my emotional life. Too much OPD? Oh, hell yes. LOL That shit’s toxic. It’s definitely depressing to be exposed to too much of that crap.

I’m not very skilled with depression. Despair is a familiar demon, but depression? Less so. I failed to notice the weight on my experience. My sluggishness and apathy seemed inexplicable to me. The constant fatigue and lack of fucks to give in life, generally, was foreign. Thankfully, depression is a familiar form for my therapist, and he recognized it, pointed it out, and provided me some direction. Win and good. I feel myself getting back on my path. Most particularly, building on the firm foundation of a weekend spending loved and loving, I feel each day improve upon the one before it, as my “to do list” slowly dwindles, and order is restored to my experience. 🙂

It’s okay to get help, when we need it. I hope that you do, if you are struggling, alone. 🙂

My Thursday is off to a good start. I may not save the world, today, but I’m on track to enjoy my experience. Sometimes, that’s enough. 😀

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Categories anhedonia, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Despair, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Seasons Change

July 18, 2018 //
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Like anything else, the seasons change. The days are already getting shorter; it shows most in the mornings. I sip my coffee groggily, staring out the window at the sky. It isn’t yet light, and I notice that. I am slow to wake up fully, today, in spite of adequate rest.

I observe, rather pointlessly, to myself, that yesterday is behind me, and that tomorrow is not yet. Any authentic mindfulness escapes me, just out of reach because I am simply not yet awake enough to be particularly mindful. The implied presence of mind just isn’t available quite yet. lol

It was so hot yesterday a squirrel hung out regularly drinking from the fresh water I’d put out moments earlier, then sprawling out awhile longer, and drinking more. He hung out on the deck rail more than an hour, drinking water.

It was hot yesterday. Today is expected to be less so. I yawn and check the weather and make a second coffee. It is somehow less good than the first. My head aches with the subtle internal pressure to be more awake sooner, when I’d totally prefer to go back to sleep. I sigh and rather impotently try to literally “shake it off” with no particular success, and wonder if I could “sneak a quick nap in” in the half an hour remaining before I leave for work.

Seasons change. Weather changes. Possible futures change with each choice we make. There’s no requirement that any one change be enormous, broad in scope, or the sort of “flip of a switch” sweeping life change that turns up so often in movies, television, or marketing campaigns; small changes matter. In the half hour before I leave for work, I may not have enough time for a nap, but I have enough time for some quality of life changing choices – no kidding. 🙂

I follow up on a quiet commitment to myself and tidy up the kitchen, and water the garden. New beginnings can be chosen any day, any time – and with any level of enthusiasm. Small things matter, particularly over time.

I smile. There’s an entire new day ahead of me, suitable for beginnings and changes. Ideal for practicing those practices that meet my needs best over time. A good one for being the human being I most want to be. 🙂

…It’s time to begin again. 😀

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Present Tense

July 17, 2018 //
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I woke up groggy, aware of today’s agenda. Court. So, okay, the day is not my own. Today, a guy stands accused of a bunch of burglaries, one of them my old apartment. That seems a long time ago, but finally, it’s time the case is heard. The commute through morning rush hour traffic, all the way across town the far other side, holds no appeal for me. I’m dreading it. I’ve already decided to take the light rail, instead, which will probably take longer, but be much less stressful…

…It’s already almost time to go. There is a certain focused tension to my morning. I’m admittedly not excited to burn up an entire day of my time off for this; I have my own life to live, and my own uses for that time. Still. Our justice system rests uneasily on some big ideals… If I don’t participate, or fail to do so in an honest and authentic way, I participate, instead, in the slow chipping away at our potentially-amazing-if-we-could-get-over-ourselves-and-get-our-shit-together culture. I admit it; I’d prefer to be a good guy in my own narrative, and to do so by actually being the woman I most want to be, not by saying nice words about myself. So. I’ll go to court. I’ll give testimony. I’ll hope that in so doing, truly justice will be served (by determining whether this guy actually committed those crimes, not by “getting a conviction” without regard to truth). I’m uncomfortably aware how commonly our “justice system” is not truly serving justice. I feel wary.

I feel tense. Aware. Present. I sip my coffee and consider the moment. I consider other, different moments. I breathe. It is a new morning. A new day. An opportunity to begin again… I think about beginnings, and endings. I think about perspective, and hard to confront truths in life. I think about lifetimes of human experience, varied and similar, strange and mundane, each of us having our own – all of us in this together.

It’s complicated.

It’s time to go.

Let it go.

Walk on.

Begin again.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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