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Hello, Love

December 1, 2014 //
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Another new day begins, and as so many do, it begins well. My coffee is hot, tasty, and warming my hands between moments that require other purpose of them. Today I start the day without expectations, without clear needs to act upon, without urgency, a good beginning. I could say more… This morning I am not sure where the value in that lies, and I find myself filled with childlike eagerness, ready to eschew habit and practice in favor of scampering up to the glow of twinkly lights in the loft. The Holiday Loft. Home.

It was a very good weekend for love. My traveling partner and I connected closely and well, and enjoyed many hours of conversation and time together. It’s been lovely; I never get too much time in his very good company, and it is a rare moment that I wouldn’t prefer to be with him than apart. It’s not a clingy thing… We just like each other. 🙂 He is as much my friend as anything, and that is an exceptional foundation for love, as it turns out.  He is also someone who comes pretty close to ‘getting it’ with regard to my fondness for the winter holidays, and each year he finds some way to show that quality, unplanned, unscripted, and unexpected. He is the only partner I’ve had who ever embraced an opportunity to create that holiday magic for me, in a year it was doubtful we’d have the resources for any such thing. He knows things about love that most people only guess at.

I spent pleasant time in the company of another, too. Friends now, maybe at some point more… I like and value qualities he has, and so far he seems a worthy friend. I enjoy the way he enjoys me.  He delights in words – and I use a lot of them, it’s very promising.

My anxiety has been along for the ride all weekend; it comes and goes, and I endeavor to observe it without judgement and let it pass, content to be aware, and to recognize it is a feeling with many potential causes – including no obvious cause at all. I seemed to have reached a workable agreement with it; it will not linger and pester me, and I will not get involved with it more closely. lol  It’s enough, for now.

A pleasant enough start to the day, and to the week, and although I face the world with some reluctance this morning, it’s not because the world is so bad as much as because it is so nice right here.

Where will the day take me? Where does my path lead?

Where will the day take me? Where does my path lead?

Today is a good day to enjoy a quiet morning. Today is a good day for love. Today is a good day to savor the pleasures we hold dear, and to invest great will, and effort, in what matters most. Today is a good day to change the world.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, Words

This One Quiet Moment

November 18, 2014 //
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I’m sipping my first Americano from the new espresso machine. The machine-that-had-been died. This new machine is the clear master of the coffee universe, and it has the features to prove it…but it takes the might of the pantheon of greek gods to lock in the porto filter – and the simultaneous requirement to be as delicate as a surgeon. 🙂 New skills in development, clearly, and some concerns about whether I will ever ever sleep through someone else making a shot of espresso ever again. I sure didn’t this morning. I woke at whatever brutally early hour my partner was testing the new machine – eagerly, and with great skill, I don’t doubt, but banging out the puck into the knock out box (I’m sure it has some proper name…) is as loud as someone hammering nails into the wall to hang paintings. Pretty loud at 4:30 am. The new machine is a birthday gift to my traveling partner – and a combined household effort to make it happen promptly. It’s a delight to have this tasty coffee first thing, and over time I’m sure I’ll get used to the different sounds of this machine, and able to sleep through much of it.

Here’s the best part of my morning coffee…it’s enough. Honestly? It’s enough when it is a french press of pre-ground drip coffee. It’s enough when I’m out of coffee and resort to black tea. It’s enough because that’s truly all I ‘need’… and…if I’m honest with myself, I’m addicted to the amount of caffeine I get each day in this form, and it’s both a preference and maintenance of that addiction. So. ‘Need’ is an appropriate word here, and I’ve got no baggage with this relatively harmless habit. The important word is ‘enough’. The experience of my morning coffee has varied over the years – and nearly always been ‘enough’. It’s a powerful lesson in sufficiency; take away someone’s addiction, and see what they find is an acceptable stop-gap measure, or a worthy substitute. That’s when I see directly into the face of sufficiency. My choices aren’t always about enough. My brain is very skilled at making ‘more’ seem reasonable, and from reasonable things easily escalate to ‘achievable’ and from ‘achievable’ the distance to ‘must have’ is short enough to traverse with great ease – and little mindfulness. I gotta work on that.

A different coffee, on a different day, in another place; memories of love are sometimes captured in pictures of coffee.

A different coffee, on a different day, in another place; memories of love are sometimes captured in pictures of coffee.

This morning I woke with a headache and a stuffy head. I’m not sick, just getting used to the change in household climate that accompanies the change in weather. My room feels too hot. I haven’t found the correct balance of bed-clothes, yet…which suddenly finds me feeling rather embarrassed to give it even a thought; how many people are struggling to sleep through the cold nights of winter because they just don’t have enough? My heart aches in a strange way I don’t recall feeling often in years past. I’m moved to participate in the holiday charity drives in the office out of some soft yearning to ease the suffering of the world, more than to avoid the embarrassment I used to feel because I didn’t consider the human experience broadly enough to be truly moved (and while aware of that, I didn’t know quite what to do about it at that time).

I am thinking, now, of all the things that drive humanity’s winter holidays…feasting and gifting, hospitality and generosity, the warmth and glow of inclusive celebration. It’s easy to get lost in the media spin, the marketing, and the advertising pushing consumers to consume – and to buy – and there’s so much more to it than dollars, at least there is for me.

Following my path where it leads.

Following my path where it leads.

Today is a good day to think ahead to the holidays. Today is a good day to plan and prepare for what is ahead, and to roll with the changes when life delivers on a different promise altogether. Today is a good day to hand craft something to enjoy, or to give – or both. Today is a good day to take care of me, and to appreciate others. What a rich palette life paints with; today is a good day to enjoy the colors. Today is a good day to celebrate with the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, Words

It’s Over! Nooooo…

November 5, 2014 //
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A moment of levity in the morning seems appropriate on the day after mid-term elections. Right now, the outcome doesn’t matter much; the changes in many cases don’t become effective for months, and the election itself is over. It’s no particular cause for stress just at the moment. Why would it be? Still…my Facebook feed is filled with people who suddenly found their voice, after the election results are in and it didn’t ‘go their way’. Many of those folks voted – they are irked with people who didn’t – and quite a few people didn’t vote, some of them are annoyed that the people voting voted the way they did.  I suspect that this national post-election snit is helpful to someone or other; it is certainly a distraction from the ‘now’ moment, which is too bad… ‘now’ isn’t that bad, generally.

Let’s take a few deep breaths, and cover some basics just to get past the tough bits…

  1. Some asshats and very ineffective people got elected, and this is commonly true; we’ll all survive it, and try again next election.
  2. Some women got elected, and some men of a very particular sort aren’t happy about that; those dudes are literally everywhere, but they are less favored year after year, and may eventually become extinct – possibly in my lifetime. (Party at my place when that day comes!)
  3. Some people who lack ‘the right credentials’ got elected; they’ll probably do just fine given a chance.
  4. Everyone elected has less power individually than we give them credit for, but they probably like to feel important; the media is there helping with that.
  5. Alaska, Oregon, and D.C. joined Washington, and Colorado in admitting that ‘most people’ – the ‘majority’ that is to say – think using cannabis is harmless enough to be legal; historical record-keeping shows this to be true, and it seems likely there is nothing to be alarmed about, unless perhaps you work for the DEA, which may soon be without a mission.
  6. …And if you aren’t sure legal weed is ‘okay’, take a deep breath and remember that most of the people you know who use cannabis haven’t been comfortable ‘coming out’ because it’s been problematic legally, and it may be that indeed ‘most people’ are far more okay with it than you realize.
  7. South Park Season 8 Episode 8… just saying.
  8. Things change. Things change slowly for people who want change most, and things change very fast for people who fear change. Right now is generally reliably right now, and nothing more.
  9. The anger and heightened emotion we all feel when we are frustrated, frightened, irritated, held back, or treated unfairly are real… real emotions, just that and nothing more. Feelings. It’s okay to make room in our hearts to treat ourselves well, to honor our feelings, to comfort ourselves…it may be necessary, actually; I don’t think we can count on an election to do that for us. Becoming mired in the emotions doesn’t really improve things, though.
  10. There will be another election very soon.
The path ahead is strewn with possibilities and choices...

The path ahead is strewn with possibilities and choices…

Here it is a Wednesday morning like any other. I hurt a lot this morning: arthritis, a headache, and tension in my shoulders and neck likely related to both. It’s a lot of pain to be in and still function. I take appropriate pain management steps, and hope for the best. I have slept restlessly since Daylight Savings Time, which is not uncommon. It may be weeks before my own clock resets. My coffee was hot and tasty – and it is early enough to have another shot of espresso if I care to… for now I am not inclined to make the effort due to the pain I am in. My inexpensive office chair happens to be the one place in the house that is genuinely comfortable when I hurt like this, so here I am, and content to remain so as long as I can before I leave for the office to spend the day in chairs that are not at all comfortable for me.  Sometimes life feels like an endurance race, more than a gentle journey of discovery.

I would say more, about other things, perhaps; this morning I hurt enough that taking care of me is the focus of my will and my intention… that… and treating the world similarly well, with equal kindness. There’s a lot of pain out there. I would like very much not to be causing any of it. With that in mind, I go forth into the world to explore the day. Today is a good day to see change in the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, medical marijuana, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

Practicing Takes Practice

October 30, 2014 //
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Last night when I settled down to meditate, I found myself faced with a fairly child-like challenge; I was restless. I found my mind had wandered from meditation again and again, and I would bring it back to my breath each time. I also found, more than once, that I had changed positions, was actually fidgeting like a child, or in motion on my way between fidgeting and having changed positions. Suddenly, meditation was hard.  I felt distracted, and easily distractable. I paused and set a timer, and committed to being disciplined with my practice for that time period; neurons that fire together, wire together – the practicing itself matters.

When time came to sleep, I had a similar-but-different experience; I kept finding myself in a state of meditation, instead of drifting off to sleep!! Funny primate.

I didn’t sleep through the night in any continuous way; my brain stayed pretty busy. Hot flashes, night sweats, and surrealistic dreams helped pass the time between wakeful moments, and the rest I got seemed of good quality in spite of the weirdness. I woke twice in a way that somehow required me to get up, and ‘check the house for monsters’; I know that’s not really what grown ups think we’re doing when we wake in the night, prowl the house once, get a drink of water, and go back to bed, but if you can tell me how it’s actually different, I’ll be impressed. I just go ahead and call it ‘checking for monsters’. 🙂 There were none to be found, and I easily returned to sleep.

I woke fairly easily, to the alarm – that’s getting to be fairly common these days – and the morning has been pleasant enough. My coffee is very good. Everyone else is also awake, in the background of my consciousness I am aware of it, but the house is quiet in spite of the activity. I ache, the dull continuous ache, and crunching and grinding of arthritis sets a standard of tolerance for the headache, and the throbbing and burning of my ankle; none of it is enough to be truly noteworthy, but as a matter of awareness and perspective, I take note and make a point to take care of me by being compassionate, and alert to my needs. It would be nice to wake without the aches and pains…I don’t remember when the last time was that I did wake entirely pain-free. Has it been that long? Do we always hurt?

Building perspective with questions, and awareness; I have doubts about answers.

Building perspective with questions, and awareness; I have doubts about answers.

I find myself noticing that it is actually a challenge to take on a perspective I just don’t have…and as a curious exercise in thinking, I am wondering if building perspective can be harnessed to somehow be more aware of not being in pain, when it does occur; is a negative bias tending to overwrite those pain-free moments in my recollection? Now I am also thinking about carts and horses, chickens and eggs, and mathematical orders of operations, and other such things that don’t permit argument. lol

Hell of a beginning to a Thursday.

Today is a good day to think, and consider, and wonder, and take notice. Today is a good day to be open to something new, or fantastical. Today is a good day for whimsy, and novelty, and creativity, and the joy and delight of what is strange. Today is a good day to observe and enjoy the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Hormone Hell, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, women, Words
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