I slept poorly. I mean, it could have been worse, and I am adequately rested, but I woke several times to imagined noises and vague discomfort. I was up, at one point, for more than an hour, trying to ease stuffy sinuses, the result of sleeping too long on one side, with my CPAP mask pressed too firmly against my nose. I eventually woke, and got up, to head out for my walk. It was before daybreak, and I was wrong about the time by more than an hour, although I had looked at the clock when I woke. (To be fair, I didn’t have my glasses on yet.)
I sit contentedly at the trailhead waiting for daybreak. Sunrise won’t be until almost 08:00. It’s a chilly drizzly morning, and I am bundled up for the weather. My tinnitus rings in my ears noisily. The sound of my breathing is soft and steady. There’s nothing going on to remark up on, and I am quite okay with that. I use the time to meditate.
… This imperfect world… This imperfect life… I sit quietly with my thoughts. The holiday weekend begins on the other side of the walk I will shortly take. What will I do with the day? Mundane things like laundry most likely; I’m a little behind. lol It’s like that this year. Slow and easy and uncomplicated because sometimes life is hard and I need a break. I’ll enjoy the holiday with gratitude this year, and keep it small, and filled with love. That’s enough.
Also? Fuck pain. lol Just saying. I could do without that complication. In spite of that, there’s quite a lot to celebrate. I smile thinking about my Traveling Partner, at home, still asleep. I breathe, exhale, relax. I notice a small bird nestled in the top of a hedge quite near me and realize daybreak has shifted to dawn. It’s time to begin again. I grab my cane from the passenger seat… This walk won’t take itself. 🙂
Mere hours later, I’m working through tears on a shitty gray rainy day wondering why the fuck I even bother to try. Emotional weather. Stormy. Rainy. Disappointing. Gray. On top of it, my coffee tastes like shit, and it’s hard to see my computer screen through all the fucking tears. Fucking humans, man. The pointless bullshit and struggling and chaos and damage are a big fucking buzzkill.
…None of this changes the meaning or value of the words I wrote earlier this morning, I just “can’t feel it” right now. It’ll pass. I remind myself that it’ll pass, through the tears, and in spite of the shitty cup of coffee. What went wrong? Doesn’t matter. Human bullshit, mostly my own. Not all of it, but mostly. Can’t do anything about anyone else’s crap – that’s their own to wade through and deal with. I’ve got mine. More than enough to have to manage. The fucking tears though – I did not need this. Fortunately, most of my meetings are virtual meetings through Zoom or Google, and I can turn my camera off, and did (although usually I don’t, so it still ends up being a potential “tell” of something being amiss).
I try not to over think things. I try to let small shit stay small. I try to let go of my bullshit and baggage. I drink my shitty cup of coffee and reflect on it as a metaphor for this shitty moment.
Well hey! It’s a new day. First day of Winter, just days before the big Giftmas celebrations, and a bit more than a week before the almost-global celebration of the New Year. Funny how significant we make turning over the page of a calendar from one year to the next. We all like a new beginning, eh? Maybe we all really need a fresh start? It’s been a difficult year, what with nations at war with each other, and genocides in progress, and women all over the world still being treated as somehow less than their male associates and family members. Yeesh. You’d think we had been around long enough as a species to get past that bullshit… (which bullshit, exactly? All of it? Yeah, “all of it” sounds about right.)
The first day of Winter from one point of view.
So, here I sit, on this “first day” experience – the first day of Winter. A new year of its own sort. An opportunity to begin again, to start fresh, to reset… What will I do with it? What will you do with it? This year, I missed doing my ritual planting of seeds for the first time in many many years. I was just in too much pain to do much besides hang out with my Traveling Partner, read a bit, play some rather engaging-but-not-challenging video games, and work a little bit on the model I’m building. My body thanked me for that rest, this morning; I woke from a decently restful sleep feeling pretty okay. It’s Winter, though, and pain just comes with the weather. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I still feel pretty merry, and I’m eager to wrap up this last work day before I go home for the holiday weekend.
Home for the holiday.
…Yes, I made the drive into the city to work from the office. I didn’t (and don’t) have to, I just enjoy the quiet time and the opportunity to let my Traveling Partner sleep without being disturbed by the lively tap-a-tap-a-tap of my fingers racing over the keyboard first thing in the morning. This morning, I even enjoyed the drive. There was almost no traffic at all.
I chuckle when I read news articles about how businesses are moving away from remote or hybrid work models; the traffic patterns call the authors liars. While there are surely some industries for which remote work just can’t work (or can’t work easily, or isn’t of legitimate value), it’s quite clear that wherever remote work or hybrid work can and does work, the American workforce has embraced it aggressively, and businesses have in many cases simply had to capitulate, and in a lot of cases have actually embraced it. When I read articles seeking to convince me otherwise, I look for the hidden agenda buried in the article; these often seem to be slyly about trying to convince folks to return to the office (RTO) because some companies own so much brick-and-mortar real estate that is painfully costly to hold onto that they pretty urgently want to make use of it. Other articles seem to be more about the admittedly difficult outcome to many downtown areas; the loss of forced-to-the-office workers from those urban areas does impact the flow of cash to small businesses that rely on those workers (who have no reason to shop or eat at those businesses since they are not forced to be in those downtown areas if they work remotely). Funny… that’s capitalism in action, but those business owners don’t seem to want to support that in this instance. Thought-provoking. Could it be that capitalism isn’t the perfect system it’s proponents would like us to think it is? Just saying… maybe stop communicating via “-isms”, and start looking for solutions that are not pinned to your pet ideology. 😉
…Weird tangent, sorry, my politics are showing…
On the commute this morning I hit almost all the traffic lights green, a rare fun treat, and made the drive feeling more relaxed than I’ve been in days, because my Traveling Partner is really beginning to recover from his recent injury in obvious ways. That’s a lot less stress for me; I was worried and feeling pretty helpless to do much to help him heal, other than more housekeeping. I didn’t really manage that, either – I just made different choices, and let different shit go for the time being. The reckoning is coming! LOL There’s quite a bit to catch up on. (I know what I’m doing tomorrow… unpacking from my damned coastal getaway!! Laundry! LOL)
The thing about new beginnings, generally, is that they are mostly a matter of perspective and choices. Ending a thing, as if inserting a “page break” into the experience, and beginning something new – even if it’s the same something, can serve to recommit and regain a feeling of purpose. “I’ll stop doing this, start doing that” has real value – and I can practice this every single day if I care to, or even moment by moment when life is filled with chaos and maddening frustrations. A single deep, cleansing breath, and a moment to clear my mind, maybe make a list, think things over, and to then choose the next step with care and consideration… sometimes it feels more difficult than the words to describe it, but that feeling of difficultly can be translated to “importance” or significance, if I choose to, giving the practice still more value. It’s a way of building momentum and marking progress.
A steady rain begins to fall. The drive in had been misty and foggy, but not rainy. Looks like the day ahead will be a rainy one, though – which tends to explain why I’m in so fucking much pain. Rain, and the weather changing from anything else to rainy, tend to exacerbate my arthritis. Is what it is. I deal with it best I can, and fumble for my wee pillbox; I am prepared… and it’s already time to begin again. 😀
Happy holiday, if you’re celebrating the change of the season. The shortest day. The longest night. The arrival of Winter. This is a season of change. A season… of sorrow. I wish you well. Truly, I wish all the world well. I hope for peace.
Dawn of the shortest day, gray, chilly, and misty.
I got a walk in, down damp trails in chilly weather, feeling the chill in my bones as I walked through the mist along the marsh. Winter is here.
When I was young, and living in a very different location, I was often puzzled by the Solstice being “in the middle of” Winter, instead of at the start. It reliably felt like “mid-Winter” to me, in much the same way that the Summer Solstice felt like “mid-Summer”. Here, the climate (these days) feels more aligned to the equinoxes and solstices; each starting the change of season. The hottest days of Summer are long after the Solstice. The coldest days of Winter follow the Solstice. The Vernal Equinox is “too soon” for Spring camping. The Autumnal Equinox finds the forests still cloaked in green, with the colors of Autumn weeks away. I don’t know why that matters, perhaps it doesn’t. I’m just thinking about it.
Today I’ll mark the day with a favorite ritual; I’ll plant the seeds of the future, metaphorically and literally. I’ve some carefully selected rosehips that I’ll put into the earth along the back of the property. Maybe some will take hold? That’s the idea. I’ve got some other seeds chosen, things that would not suffer for being in the ground through the cold winter weeks ahead, and may spring to life in the earliest days of Spring, bringing the promise of new life. Hope. Growth. Change. I do this every year. It’s just a thing I do. I think back to walking country roads with my Granny, or pathways in gardens, plucking choice rosehips together, to plant here or there some other time. I do miss her greatly. I remember her teaching me all the herbs in her garden, one by one. “Crush this in your hands, Sweetie, doesn’t that smell good? How does it make you feel?” She would tell me their names, and what they might be used for. Cooking herbs. Tea herbs. Medicinal herbs. Where they came from. How to care for them.
I listen to a piece of music that “feels right” today for some reason. I try not to overthink it. It’s just been sticking with me. It seems a clear reminder not to waste the limited time we’ve got. I promise you, it is limited.
My Traveling Partner seems to be on the mend. I continue to do my best to “pick up the slack” around the house. It’s a less than perfect effort: there are a handful of dishes in the sink, and I still have not unpacked since I returned from the coast (two weeks ago??). Maybe I’ll get to that, too. Today is just one day, but much can be accomplished in a day – even the very shortest one.
This morning I woke from the kind of rest I generally only daydream of enjoying. I dreamt, sure, wholesome playful surreal dreams with no hint of terror or anxiety. I slept deeply – my sleep tracker even agrees with me. I woke early, yes, but… I woke in a natural way, feeling rested, undisturbed, just finished with sleeping. I even woke feeling alert and “sorted out”, as if indeed my sleep were truly restful, restorative, and refreshing. Nice change of pace after several days of waking groggy and confused from restless anxious dreams and interrupted sleep that seemed wholly inadequate and left me feeling prone to tears or stupid and dull-witted.
I dressed for the day without much thought, gathered up my things, handled what seemed an effortless commute into the city. Made coffee when I arrived at the office, and started my day. Comfortable. Rested. Calm. Content. Even… merry. For real, unforced, gentle background merriment, as if all is well in the world. Realistically, I know its only this tiny slice of the world, this one limited moment, and as with all things, at some point this too will pass. I’m okay with it; I’ve got this here, now. It’s enough.
I feel the soft smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. This is a good beginning to the day. I drink it in, as I drink my coffee, which, rather like the moment, manages to be quite ordinary in all regards, while also quite pleasant. This? Right here? This is the “state of being” I strive for day-to-day: calm, contented, relaxed, easy in my mind, and “merry”. I “feel great” for most values of “feeling”. Yes, I am still having to deal with physical pain – that’s why it’s called “chronic pain”, and there’s not much to do about that besides take care of myself, manage my pain as best I can, and do what I can to limit the control it has over my quality of life, generally. It’s for sure helpful to avoid taking it personally – it isn’t personal. It’s just pain. It sucks, yes, and sometimes it’s hard to pay attention to anything else. That’s just real. It’s also not “everything”. So, this morning, I notice my arthritis pain. My neck pain. My headache. I stand up, have a good stretch and double-check the ergonomics of my workstation. Then I move on with the morning.
I think about my Traveling Partner, sleeping at home, and hopefully continuing to recover from his recent injury. Being injured stresses him out. Him being stressed out stresses me out and drives quite a bit of background anxiety for me; I worry. Certainly it’s a sign of how deeply connected we really are. Nonetheless, it’s the sort of emotional feedback loop that can create a lot of chaos and emotional volatility for both of us. Last evening was pleasant and relaxed, and getting some really good sleep last night finds me feeling stable and resilient. I hope he wakes similarly refreshed, and feeling a sense of healing and progress, in spite of his frustration with being injured. I think over the evening we shared, with a smile in my heart. It reminds me that I’d said I’d go to the store on my way back from the office today – I set a reminder, and make a list.
I breathe. Exhale. Relax. Pull myself upright and feel my back crack in a couple places, which eases some small amount of my discomfort, but also serves to make me more aware of the places where I hurt most, now. lol Funny how that works. I guess it makes sense; what we put our attention on is what dominates our awareness. Pretty obvious when I think about it.
The clock ticks. The day begins. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 