Archives for posts with tag: sleepless nights
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Awake and In the Moment

August 23, 2014 //
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The title sounds promising. It is, however, the truth and for the moment nothing more. It’s 2:11 am. I am awake in this moment. I was so incredibly sleepy, and feeling deep down tired when I went to bed, early, last night. I slept deeply, soundly, restfully… for two hours. Then another two hours. And another. This time, I meditated for a while but didn’t find myself feeling like sleep; I’m not anxious, so calming and soothing myself didn’t result in anything but a calm heart. Nice by itself, I’m not bitching. Yoga, too, did nothing to return my interest to sleep, but my back feels a bit more limber, and I am comfortable but for my throbbing ankle, which by itself would not keep me awake.

I wandered the house restlessly for a moment or two, and stepped out into the cool night air and looked for the stars. Living near a huge Intel facility that lights the night sky, seeing stars is not a given, and tonight the cloudy skies are illuminated from below; there were no stars to see tonight. I sat quietly in my studio (I love saying that!) for a time, contemplating the work in progress, and giving some thought to an idea developing in the periphery of my consciousness, and feeling ‘at home’. I am neither uncomfortably warm, nor feeling chilly. I am quite comfortable. I feel at ease.

Why the hell am I awake?

It’s a rhetorical question; there is no why. I am awake. The world is quiet and dark, at least from my current vantage point. No trouble-shooting required. I quietly amuse myself flipping through the evening’s Facebook feed. I am content with being awake, for the moment, and looking forward to the morning with friends at the Farmer’s Market.

Having read a considerable amount of the science available regarding sleep, I have my monitor brightness quite dim, and enough gentle room light to prevent the monitor from being a high-contrast light source. My intention is to prevent whatever I choose for entertainment or passing the time in the night from becoming something so stimulating that it actively prevents further sleep. I take a moment now and then for deep cleansing breaths, and a chance to observe the slow approach of the shores of dreamland. I’ve learned a lot about enjoying the wakefulness in the night without discouraging more sleep. I yawn. I smile. It’s coming…

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, but poised wakefully in this moment between yesterday and tomorrow, feeling satisfied, balanced, and content, I’m feel ready for it. It’s been a lovely week.

It's been a week of colorful flowers...

It’s been a week of colorful flowers…

...blue skies...

…blue skies…

...and beautiful summer flowers in uncountable numbers...

…and beautiful summer flowers in uncountable numbers…

...and mornings chilly enough to catch bumble bees napping.

…mornings chilly enough to catch bumble bees napping…

...and hot sunny afternoons.

…and hot sunny afternoons.

It was a lovely week, indeed. I find myself yawning and thinking sleeping sounds like a fine idea…I wonder what tomorrow holds?

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Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Summer, Uncategorized

Crying in Las Vegas

May 21, 2014 //
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I imagine people cry in Las Vegas frequently. It seems like the sort of city that could provoke it, under a variety of circumstances.  The experience of  Las Vegas is intense; there is just so much going on, continuously.

Las Vegas at Sunset.

Las Vegas at Sunset.

I’ve had a great time in Las Vegas, so far. Great accommodations, and in another post, on another day, I’ll link places that impressed me. This is not that post. It wouldn’t be fair to all the wonders of this city, or this hotel, to do that here, because right now I am crying in Las Vegas.

I’m not even sure these are ‘my tears’. I’m tired. I’m overloaded with new information, professionally. This is a very busy and very successful conference, and I’ve learned a lot that has value, and rates further contemplation, and future action.  I am, however, crying right now. I’m not even fighting it. I got back to my room before the wave of emotion overtook me, and there’s some comfort in that, because I can just give in to the tears. Perhaps another time I’ll write more about those, too, but there are already many strong voices on the subjects of rape, of gender, of parity, of suffering, of the everyday lack of decency, consideration, and goodness.  Those strong voices are already shouting into the wind. Right now, I am not that strong.  I’ll cry awhile instead, splash some cold water on my face, and get back to work.

This trip has been ‘all about people’ in a beautiful, very open way. That’s worth celebrating. So, I’ll cry awhile longer, and consider the people I’ve met here and the stories they have had to tell. Eventually my tears will dry, and I will once again feel a smaller part of a much larger whole, with my own story to tell; and words rather than tears will flow.  In the meantime, I’d like to introduce – Las Vegas people.

Hotel staff...

Hotel staff…

...Of all sorts...

…Of all sorts…

...at all hours.

…at all hours.

Practical work that goes on almost continuously...

Practical work that goes on almost continuously…

...in the sun, in the heat, in the background.

…in the sun, in the heat, in the background.

Shopkeepers with a dizzying array of goods, open almost 24/7.

Shopkeepers with a dizzying array of goods, open almost 24/7.

Street performers...

Street performers…

...girls in costume, and more. (Superheroes, cartoon characters, celebrity look-a-likes...)

…girls in costume, and more. (Superheroes, cartoon characters, celebrity look-a-likes…)

Las Vegas is a city of illusions for sale, for business, pleasure, and consumption.  It’s still a city. These are still people, each with their own story to tell.  Each storyteller bringing something to the tale of humankind that is worthy of a moment of attention; honest, heartfelt, and fearlessly engaged.

Not every story is a fairytale.

Not every story is a fairytale.

Today is a good day to say thank you. Today is a good day to be grateful. Today is a good day to be aware that we are each having our own experience.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, grief, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

Battling the Ancient Enemy

October 7, 2013 //
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Yesterday was lovely. The work day went smoothly, in that how-could-this-be-better sort of smoothness work days sometimes have. The walk home became a ride home when my partner reached out with the offer of a ride, just as I was realizing my notion to walk the 5k route again wasn’t planned with my fatigue and general physical condition of the day in mind.  The evening continued in the same pleasant way, and I actually did get to bed earlier, on-time-ish enough not to mess with my routine was my hope.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

My night didn’t go so smoothly. I woke abruptly at 2:30 am, gripped by anxiety and dread, barely able to take a breath. My chest felt tight, and as I sit here considering it, I face an internal deluge of words to describe fear and anxiety, and little else; content capable of taking me over and leading me away from contentment. I got up, put on dim lights, and began going through the motions of regaining calm: breathing, yoga, meditation, a shower, more breathing, more yoga, a few mindful moments settling into the ‘now’… just after 3:00 am was when I took my first fully deep and actually satisfying breath. I remember it because at the time I thought “Huh, I wasn’t actually breathing deeply at all, this whole time!” Then, I took 4 or 5 really good deep calming breaths and felt my consciousness shift from real fear and panic, to the residual low-level anxiety that sometimes lingers once I’ve gotten past the bad bit.  I was able to return to sleep.  For the second day in row, I woke to my alarm clock, feeling groggy.

It’s a peaceful solitary morning, in spite of the difficulties of the night.  The fear I woke with has faded into words about the experience, which are much less scary than the feelings themselves. I may never know what the anxiety in the night was actually ‘about’… but, with a brain injury, PTSD, a lifelong history of sleep disturbances (seriously, since I was a toddler) adding to the natural emotional ups and downs of going through menopause – do I actually need root-cause analysis? Isn’t life enough? lol

Day two of seriously poor quality sleep starting my day. I do feel it.  Taking care of me, and meeting my own needs where I can, includes getting adequate rest – this isn’t it.  Maybe tonight will be better.  I find myself silently reviewing ‘the sleep list’ of things I can do to improve my sleep…  it is, however, morning. Time to face the day.

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Menopause, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Words

One Foggy Morning

October 6, 2013 //
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I woke this morning after a night short on hours, long on dreams, and restless, very restless.  I woke a number of times during the night, returning to sleep with little effort.  My dreamscape was lively, surreal, and oddly persuasive on a number of random details that now seem to rate further thought by daylight.  I woke very groggy, to the strident beeping of my infernal alarm clock – it is rare to be asleep when it goes off, and it isn’t my preferred way to wake up.   I dragged my sluggish body down the hall and dumped myself in a cooler than usual shower hoping to find a legitimate state of waking consciousness I could count on for the start of the work week, and afterward made what can only be called the worst mocha ever made, which I steadfastly consumed without (until now) complaint.

I settled down to meditate, and didn’t get far with that; one of my loves joined me for morning coffee and conversation. We don’t overlap much with our schedules, he and I, and any time we have together is precious.  Email can wait, chores can wait, writing can wait; I cherish those brief quiet times together, so this morning even meditation took a back seat to love.  I’m okay with that. The time we had to share was so very brief.  Again and again my thoughts return to the morning, and a feeling of mild regret that I wasn’t more awake.  My thoughts ricochet around in my broken brain and I think of “Time Enough for Love” by Robert A. Heinlein. No reason beyond the title, I suspect, but it is an amazing tale of adventure, of love, of living a life wide open to endless possibilities, and above all – of being human.  If Heinlein hadn’t written anything more than the title, he’d have said enough.  I wish I’d known the value of love much sooner in my life.

Foggy morning

Foggy morning

The work day got under way in a most ordinary fashion.  Eventually it will end and I will head home.  If the weather is pleasant, I may repeat my 5k walk of last Sunday, to experience it in nice weather on dry pavement, and to confirm my suspicion that I’m actually sufficiently fit at this point that I could do it easily every week and gain a little more ground toward my fitness goals.  I’m so tired, though… will taking care of me mean getting to bed earlier, tonight, or will I choose, again, in favor of time with my dear ones? (One short night isn’t a big deal.  If I make a habit of it, the cognitive and emotional consequences become obvious pretty quickly!)

I’m still feeling a bit foggy.  Sleep would be good… but it is hours away,  In the meantime, work, and later chores, and assorted tasks on a lengthy ‘to do’ list, compete with any hope of an early bed time. lol. Welcome to adulthood.

It is a lovely sunny day, now.  I’m still thinking about sleep, and love, and romance, and how to bring new tools and skills forward into my every day experience.

…Oops…I’ve run out of words. lol. I’ll be back with more soon… In the meantime, I plan to go forth and live well and with compassion.  How about you?

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

It isn’t always easy…sometimes it is.

April 1, 2013 //
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Yay!  Today is going so smoothly…which, historically, would not be the case after a night of limited sleep, of poor quality, with plenty of wakeful moments, and waking well before my alarm and not getting back to sleep afterward.  I did try to go back to bad after waking around 3:45am…but the alarm goes off at 5am, and I know that, and so do my brain and my body. Sleeping more wasn’t super likely, and it seems I got enough real rest to get by on.  It helped that the small challenges of the weekend didn’t leave me in any sort of residual funk.  My partners were up in the wee hours, too.  We hung out together for a few minutes, and one by one we all went ‘back to bed’.  I didn’t sleep, but it was time well spent in meditation, and even gave me a couple of opportunities to practice some of the new things I am learning about managing my anxiety through self acceptance, and mindfulness; when the anxiety began to rear its head this morning, as I lay in the darkness, it seemed less…real.  I accepted that I have those feelings of anxiety, and I allowed myself some compassion for having to endure some of the negative messaging that plagues me (plagues us all, I’m sure), and simply sort of turned over those words and ideas, and tumbled them around a bit for a better look, without judging them, or even buying into them as being at all ‘valid’ ‘accurate’ or ‘real’… I mean, seriously? They’re thoughts. I can create anything with thoughts, even things I know damned well are not real, so, this morning, my anxious thoughts had no power over me, and went away without even grumbling very much in the background.  😀  That was delightful, and not expected or demanded – I’d have been content to simply accept myself, and coast awhile until the alarm went off.  Instead, I found myself relaxed and calm and quite serene when I rose with the beeping of the infernal alarm…and it’s a lovely day.

I took a few moments this morning, too, to consider my Big 5 of yesterday’s post…I focused on each for a moment or two, asked myself ‘what can I do today to honor this particular quality in my relationships?‘  For a moment I broke out in a cold sweat…and that anxiety started creeping in around the edges.  When I realized I felt intimidated by taking a chance on doing something I think, myself, is the right thing to do, I took a few deep breaths, considered the qualities I am working to improve, master, enhance, experience… it suddenly mattered much less that I feel unsure of myself, and much more important that I do my best to do what feels right.  😀   I am learning to take care of me, and as I get better at that, I find I am more easily able to treat my lovers well, too.  That’s very exciting!

‘Consideration’ is a tough quality to define… and it is one of the most important ones, I think, for living harmoniously with others.  I keep thinking about how difficult it was to Google it and get a clear definition, or something relevant that seemed also unarguable… so, on this one, I am going to have to figure out quite specifically what that means to me, and how to share that information, and also figure out what my lovers need from me in the way of being treated well, and with consideration.  The stack of lesson plans in the school of life and love doesn’t seem to get any shorter… and that’s ok.  I expect to be attending this school all my life.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words
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