Archives for posts with tag: TBI

Ready, Set, Monday!

January 9, 2017 //

It looks icy outside, but I hear rain falling, and the temperature is above freezing. I expect things will be slushy, but not impassable and I prepare to make the commute into the office. I do all the usual waking up things, all the usual getting the day started things, and sit down with my coffee. I listen to the rain continue to fall. I think about the winter weather, and how fortunate I am to live within generally secure walls, with heat, running water, and modern conveniences like an internet connection of my own.

I meant to do more this weekend than I did. I mostly relaxed by the fire, reading. Time well-spent. I did not make the necessary treks back and forth across the icy parking lot needed to do laundry. I did not venture forth to grocery shop (although I did go out to my small garden plot at one point yesterday to harvest kale and carrots for my meal). I did not do more housekeeping than necessary to maintain order, clean counter tops, and a sink empty of dishes. I took time to relax. Just that. It was pretty luxurious – and it’s probable that had the weather been nicer, I would have chosen differently. I guess I’m glad it snowed. 🙂

I spent quite a lot of time bird-watching over the weekend. Yesterday was so icy the marsh was completely frozen over. When I put out drinking water for the birds and creatures in the afternoon, even the heron came all the way to the patio for a bite to eat and a drink of water. So many kinds of birds visited yesterday. I saw a hummingbird check the feeder; it was frozen. I quickly brought it indoors, knocked the ice out of it, and refilled it with nectar; they could at least get what they needed until it froze again. This seemed a popular choice with the handful of hummingbirds that came around within minutes, queuing up in mid-air, taking turns, and zipping away. Mine is not the only feeder being maintained through the winter; they have other stops to make.

The rain continues to fall. The sound of it holds my attention. It distracts me again and again. I enjoy the sound of it. It seems a good morning to set writing aside, and have my second coffee sitting quietly in the stillness before dawn, listening to the rain fall. Today, that’s enough. 🙂

Tags be here now, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, Let the rain fall, listening deeply, meditation, mindfulness, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, winter

What Are You Doing About It?

January 7, 2017 //

Some mornings, particularly on weekends, I sip my coffee and catch up on the news of the world and my Facebook feed before I settle down to write. On those mornings, I also fight “taking the bait” and I do battle with invisible forces hoping to leverage the power of outrage to get my attention, and others hoping to get their hands on whatever loose change may be laying about. I’m getting better at maintaining some balance in the face of emotional triggers of all sorts as I scroll through images and words.

The need to build more resistance to emotional manipulation, for me, is pretty serious. My injury and my PTSD tend to result in a level of emotionality generally (the TBI) and volatility (the PTSD) that can make me very susceptible to emotional manipulation, emotionally evocative language and images, and it has been difficult to manage over the years. If I’m being honest, I can’t say that I “managed” it all all, with any skill or noticeable success until I started practicing mindfulness – and omg, do I ever need practice, like, all the time, every day. So human. I learned a lot about how far I’ve come, during this past election year, and I also learned a lot about how far I’ve yet to go. So… I keep practicing. I keep finding my way along life’s journey, one step at a time. The news thing is tricky; I love to read, I consume content at a high rate, I love language… and I’m a highly emotional reasoning being. I needed something helpful to rely on…

I ask myself questions that seem to help sort it all out (for me).

Does this matter more to me than it did when I read the last article about this? If so, am I merely having an expected reaction to repetition?
Can I verify it is 100% utterly legit, fact-checked, references cited, real no bullshit data or information?
Who profits from this? (…and what does that say about the content?)
Is the content original? (If it’s creator content reshared/reposted, is the creator credited?)
What is my purpose in sharing this? Is it necessary?
What am I going to do about it? (If this is action-worthy at all, why not just take action and share that in my own words?)

I think, generally, most of my friends also read the news – no need for me to share it to ensure they hear the latest from the same mainstream sources most of us are reading. It’s redundant – which means it is repetitive, which results in higher believability whether it has a shred of truth or not. Not helpful. If I’m angry about it – do I actually want to share that experience? If I feel moved to share content solely on the basis of seeking “solidarity”, sharing the experience of being outraged or angry, or looking for community… wouldn’t it make so much more sense to reach out to friends directly, human being to human being, get together over a coffee, or hang out together, and really talk, really share? Sure, we’re all in this together… but using Facebook to reprogram our culture seems to be taking us all to some very strange and fairly ugly places.

I’ve gotten sucked into Facebook time and again, and wasted hours of precious limited lifetime – not connecting with friends and deepening those relationships, either, just reading the news, reading memes, scrolling through duplications and repeats, and generally filling my consciousness with the cognitive equivalent of junk food. I’ve added to the noise, reposting articles that evoke an emotional reaction without closely examining why, or even whether the content is highly accurate, and unbiased. You know what it got me? What it got all of us? The 2016 election outcome. That event has really changed my thinking about what purpose Facebook serves in my experience – and what it can do, and how it affects my quality of life, generally, as an application – because that’s all it is. It’s an app. It’s up to me to use it well, and use it wisely, and be mindful of the results I see, and the consequences of my actions.

Facebook – another opportunity to be mindful. Who knew? 🙂

I’ll hop down off my soapbox. It’s a gray, cold, wintry Saturday morning. WordPress notes that it’s been 4 years here, sharing, practicing, walking my own mile. My coffee is done. The morning has begun. Thanks for being here.

Today is a good day to live life in real-time, with real people, in physical space. I think I’ll go do that. 🙂

Tags 4 years later, are you really helping?, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, content creators, credit where credit is due, Did you hear about what happened?, don't lie, don't steal, emotional self sufficiency, he said - she said, listening deeply, mainstream media, mindfulness matters, network news, perspective, practicing the practices, propaganda, ptsd, special report, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the outrage machine, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we're all in this together, what matters most?, what's your story?, who profits from this?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Fiction, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, War and News of War, weight loss secrets, winter, Words

No Metaphor, It’s Only Winter

January 6, 2017 //

It’s chilly in the studio this morning. My coffee cooled quickly, and is already only warm. I drink it down before it is cold. The heat is on. I take a moment to be grateful to have it. It’s winter. Cold, even in the mild Pacific Northwest, is often part of that experience. I check the weather, and note the below-freezing temperatures forecast until well past 9:00 a.m.; it is a good day to wear a base layer under my work clothes. I make a second coffee and finish dressing.

My routine is fractured this morning, broken and disorganized. No idea why. Doesn’t much matter as long as everything is managed and I’m out the door on time. My sleep has been poor this week. The return to waking to the alarm after a week of sleeping until I wake has messed with my sleep quality. I woke thinking it might already be Saturday, and very much wanting to go back to sleep.

One task, one moment, one verb at a time, I wake up and step through my morning routine. I am eager to face the day. Eager to finish it. I am eager to enjoy the weekend after an intensely busy, short, week. There is so much more to do than I will finish this week, but it’s a list of things that extends well into 2017, and isn’t a matter of stress so much as planning. I’m okay with that, I like to plan.

It’s a winter morning. Nothing more than that. I’m content. The chill is quickly becoming a comfortably warm room. My second coffee is hot, fresh, tasty. I have what I need. It’s enough.

Tags be here now, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being

Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, winter

I Heard You Screaming

January 5, 2017 //

Heading home in the cold last night, walking from the office to the light rail station, I crossed the square. As I walked toward the train platform, I passed a tall man carrying a flower-print duffel bag, wearing an expression of fatigue and sadness. I kept walking. I noticed the woman hurrying to catch up with him, a moment later. Then she started screaming. A plaintive wail, “no!”. “No! No no no!” She wailed. She screamed it at him, pulling what looked like a sleeping bag around her shoulders. She began to run after him, shrieking, wailing, crying into the night, and to all the passers-by “no!!!”. It was not anger that made her voice so distinctive and alarming, it was the pure raw grief and hurt and fear – real panic, the sort of thing one expects to hear in the midst of warfare, or violence. She sounded desperate, terrified, and bereft. The wails continued as she ran after the man. He walked on calmly without looking back. I turned and watched the scene move away from me, feeling helpless. There was no obvious action to take. The woman was blind to everyone and everything around her, except that man walking away. The only sign he was aware of her at all was that they had been sitting together, when I saw them from a distance, and also… a flower-print duffel bag is an odd thing for a man his age to be carrying, generally. Her screaming haunted my sleep. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how her story ends. I feel ashamed that I didn’t do more, but don’t know what I could have done under the circumstances. I feel puzzled by the seeming lack of awareness of everyone around, that evening… I saw no heads turn but my own. Bystanders, each and all of us. What a shitty situation for a woman screaming “no”, alone in the night. I’d like to have been more helpful. It is still on my mind this morning.

I sip my coffee and think about how this experience is so telling of who I am now, where I am in life as a human being. I spend a few minutes noticing that I actually do care, even about the isolated distress of a stranger I passed in the night. I wasn’t always this person. I sip my coffee, and think about other times, when I was the one screaming and afraid, without help, alone in the darkness… I think about people who might have heard me, who may have wanted to do… something, but… what? I feel grateful that my life is calm and quiet these days. I take a moment to appreciate having survived some terrible dark nights. I make room to forgive the passing strangers who did not help, because they did not know how. That’s a step forward, for me. I feel the weight of a little more baggage drop to the floor. It hits with an imagined thud, and the realization that I can also forgive myself for being unable to figure out what to do last night, to help a stranger in distress.

It’s okay to put some of that down, for now.

I take one more moment to wish a stranger well, after-the-fact, and to hope she found some peace, somehow, and some comfort. I hope she found a moment she could be okay in. “Not my circus, not my monkeys…” Well, sure… but… also… we’re all human beings. Each having our own experience. Separating myself, generally, from drama doesn’t have to also make me a dick to people, or insensitive, or callous, or cruel. Compassion, kindness, consideration are all still within reach, still important to cultivate, still matter. I’m no super hero – I barely adult adequately well to support my own life, some of the time – but I can still care, and still be kind, and still open my heart to listen deeply to another. Those still matter, even if I can’t save the world. Even if I can’t stop all of the screaming, everywhere.

Today is a good day to be awake, aware, and considerate. It’s a good place to begin. It could be enough to change the world… with some practice.

Tags are you okay?, awake and aware, baggage handler, be here now, be the change, begin again, bystander effect, don't look away, experience, how can I help?, I heard you screaming, kindness, listen deeply, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

No Sign of Perfection

January 4, 2017 //

It’s cold this morning. The apartment is comfortable, but the chill weather on the other side of these walls and windows makes itself felt in odd drafts, and cold that seems to seep in through the walls. The wind chime on the patio is rocked madly by the winter wind, seeming less a delicate chime in a breeze that a cry for help. I shake my head thinking to myself how many times I have reminded myself to take it down for the winter. It’s out of reach for me, even with a chair. A helpfully tall neighbor offered to take it down. We both forget about it regularly, and no action has been taken. There’s no real significance to it, just winter wind, a cold morning, and a clear lack of perfection that doesn’t stop the world turning, or result in any particularly noteworthy change in the quality of the morning.

I think that I want to listen to music this morning. Turns out I only want to listen to one particular track that was already stuck in my head when I woke. I found myself skipping through all the other tracks on my playlist after it played, until an alternate version that happened to be on my playlist came up. With a sigh and a grin, I quickly build a short playlist of several versions and put it on repeat. No, I’m not suggesting this as a cure for an earworm; I just like this track enough to indulge myself on an icy winter morning. 🙂 It’s a track that gets me on my feet, happy to be alive. Now and then, the wind chimes break through, audible through the beats and the bass. It’s a good morning to dance to the music. 🙂

I’m feeling good today. Awake. Alive. Not feeling any significant pain. I remind myself to take time with that, to slow down and savor it. Enjoy this moment long enough for it to seep into my memory. Life isn’t always like this. There are other days – days with headaches, with back pain, with head colds, with sore feet, sleepless nights, brain storms, emotional inclement weather, and circumstances beyond my control that impact my quality of life in a negative way. So… yeah. I’m definitely finding value in taking time to enjoy this pleasant morning – enough to have to remind myself to keep an eye on the clock, too; it’s a work day. 🙂

Today is a good day to enjoy the small things – a favorite song, a pleasant moment, a good beat, a great groove, a moment of laughter or of love – the small things pile up over time, but only if I pause to savor them. Today is a good day to slow down for the small stuff, the inconsequential joys, the details that evoke an unnoticed smile. Today is a good day to notice the smile. I didn’t understand how much of “enough” the life’s small pleasures could be, until I made room for them in my experience. 🙂

Tags be aware, be mindful, be the change, meditation, pain free moments, pain management, practicing the practices, ptsd, savor the good moments, taking care of me, TBI, Wobble Baby

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being, winter

Ready, Set, Monday!

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What Are You Doing About It?

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No Metaphor, It’s Only Winter

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I Heard You Screaming

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No Sign of Perfection

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