Archives for posts with tag: use your words
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Sometimes It’s Shitty

December 9, 2023 //
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I’m in a pleasant place, at the end of a pleasant day. It’s been a lovely break from the routine, and I’ve enjoyed it. Doesn’t do anything to improve the pain I’m in, that’s just real, and as much as possible I’m past letting it call my shots in life(except when it just does) – but it doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Here’s the thing, though… we’re each having our own experience, and pain (or suffering) is part of the human condition. (Wait around long enough, you’ll get yours.) (And, I’m sorry in advance, cuz it’s definitely going to be a thing, if it isn’t already.)

I’m in pain. My Traveling Partner is also in pain. We have different pain, and different reasons why. We both hurt, and it can be super annoying. Pain tends to shrink one’s world down to just the pain we experience, ourself. It’s very human to filter someone’s shared experience through the lens of our own lived experience – without any reason to assume that these might be at all similar (they’re often not sufficiently similar to justify that approach). It makes for shitty listeners and a poor experience when seeking support. 😦 I remind myself to do better.

I’m sure we’ve both done all the things we know to do when we’re in pain. Doesn’t really do more than maybe improve things a bit. Doesn’t treat the underlying condition or cause. Doesn’t result in a uniformly pleasant experience from that point. Doesn’t make communicating about it any easier. Neither does being apart. Quite the contrary, being apart when we want support from our partner is extra frustrating. Not ideal for communication – or pain management. Stress amplifies pain. Pain causes stress.

Human primates being human primates, we tend to make some pretty stupid assumptions (and then act upon those instead of something we can confirm is truly the case) when we’re stressed, frustrated, hurt, or hurting. It’s no wonder I like the occasional getaway all alone; human primates vex me. (All of them, pretty reliably, at some point.) I’m not any better, being that I’m also a human primate. This evening I am, in fact, vexed with myself and my ongoing very human communication challenges. It sucks and I’m cross about it. How the fuck do I so reliably say things that I think demonstrate how much I care, only to have the person I’m speaking to behave as though I’ve been ignorant, insensitive, or just somehow wrong? Super annoying. I’d definitely like to do better.

I’d like to do more to “be there” for my Traveling Partner. I failed pretty seriously, and I think all I was really being asked to do was listen for awhile. That should be easier. (I definitely need more practice.) Over text, my communication challenges are complicated by how much slower I type out a text than my partner does. (I also tend to do several edits or rewrites of a response, and often still working on that, seeking to be careful with my words, considerate, wise… and then his messages start stacking up, and I’m not yet done with the first reply. Awkward. By the time I hit send, what I’ve said no longer makes sense. It’s problematic, and I definitely think conversations that require care and consideration do best irl rather than as text messages. Just my opinion, my experience. I want to help support him, and help him get the support he needs (or treatment) to be really well through and through. I also want that for myself, but don’t know how to get it. It’s hard, sometimes.

…Some things don’t have a tidy diagnosis with a conveniently positive resolution…

Now I’m distracted and annoyed by this situation, and struggling to focus on my book at all. I breathe, exhale, relax, check my meds – yep. Time for the next round. I sigh out loud. A few minutes ago my partner was telling me how much he misses me. I wonder if that’s still true right now? I hope we both sleep well and get good rest, and wake up in less pain. That’d be nice for both of us.

It’s evening. Already time to begin again.

…………..

I rarely “follow-up later”. This is me doing that. Hours later. I’m still in pain. He’s still in pain. We’re still apart from each other, and it’s… night. I miss him. He misses me. A few terse words and a bit of misunderstanding don’t change that (even when it may feel, momentarily, that it might). A quick reset – a chance to “begin again” – isn’t just a phrase. It’s a practice. I took some time, got past my bullshit. Distracted myself in a healthy way to avoid ruminating over bullshit. I “broke the spiral”, and got my evening back on track.

I’m tired, but not yet sleepy. I finished one book, and took time to sit with that world and its adventures, for a little while. I’d go to sleep, but I’ve had an “unfortunate amount” of coffee (4 cups? Maybe 5?) – and yes, it likely affects my ability to fall asleep quickly at my usual somewhat early hour. All good. I’ll rest, anyway. Maybe start the next book…? Then finally, get some sleep.

I’m eager to return home. Another opportunity to begin again. 😀

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Categories anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Frustration, health, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5

Context (You Don’t Know)

November 27, 2023 //
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This morning I “hate humanity”. I mean… it’s not even humanity’s fault, this morning. I have a headache. Base of the skull, at the back, just where my neck connects. Does it feel like a tension headache? No. Doesn’t feel muscular at all, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. I don’t know. I know I have a headache, and it is pretty fucking terrible. My Traveling Partner suggests drinking more water. Yep. On it, already. Makes sense. Maybe it will help. I’m just saying; I have this headache and it colors my entire experience of life and my perspective on humanity and the world, generally.

I’m making a point of mentioning this for a reason; you wouldn’t know if I didn’t if I didn’t tell you, but you’d likely still experience something or other unpleasant if you had to interact with me right now, and you’d potentially not know why things went the way they did, due to that lack of information. You don’t know what you don’t know, and nearly everyone is going through something, quite silently and alone with their shit. That missing context matters. Be patient with people. Be kind. Be sympathetic and empathetic and compassionate. Be aware.

…And also… take care of yourself and use your words. No one is going to read your mind.

Fucking hell, this headache, though… right now I don’t care that it is the start of the holiday season, or… mostly anything. I’m just cross and headache-y.

…I’d very much like to begin again, please…

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, autumn, breathe, Free Will, health, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices

Another Restless Night

July 29, 2023 //
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I slept poorly last night. Restless dreams, wakefulness, and frequently having to get up to pee, along with being in pain, made for a difficult night. My Traveling Partner woke up in a shitty mood, in pain, and cross with me as his default approach. Not my favorite way to start a day. I dressed and headed out as soon as I woke. “Later” will be soon enough to return home, hopefully some time after my partner has had his coffee, done some yoga and stretching, and taken whatever he can to manage his pain and allergies.

I’m sitting on a fence rail next to a marshy expanse of still water favored by all manner of water birds. There is seasonality to the view. I enjoy this quiet place, although on weekends it is often crowded with bird-watchers and camera nerds. It’s a nice place for perspective.

God damn, it would suck if this otherwise beautiful relationship were to fail over our inability to sleep in the same place. I think about that briefly. Tears well up, and I brush them away. We’re not there yet and there are still things to try. My sleep study got moved up from mid-August to… tomorrow. I’m not exactly excited, just hoping something helpful comes of it.

A woman and child walk past me. I hear the child ask “Mommy, why does that lady look sad?”, and the woman’s kind careful reply “Sometimes being a grown up is hard honey. It makes Mommy sad sometimes, too.” For real, Lady, you’re so right. Sorry, Kiddo, it’s not always easy.

I sit quietly awhile. No plan. Just stillness. I check the hours for the pharmacy near home in order to time my return such that I can pick something up for my Traveling Partner. I try to do enough sweet things, kind things, helpful things to offset the unpleasantness of our shared challenges. It’s not “enough”, but it is at least something. I find myself making a silent promise to refrain from talking about my own pain, and fatigue, and stress, and anxiety… Hoping to be more easily able to make room for my partner to feel heard, even if I can’t do much about it. Again, it’s not everything, it’s just something.

… I have to trust that after 13 years together he does understand that I am chronically struggling with pain, myself, and that he has the affection for me and the emotional intelligence to hold space for that awareness day-to-day, in spite of his own pain and fatigue. That’s hard sometimes. It can be a very “fuck your pain, what about mine?!” kind of world sometimes. I think I can do better… But how best to do better without being a dick to myself and undermining my own emotional wellness? It’s a puzzle.

… Sometimes being a grown up is hard, and it makes me sad…

I think about a dear friend tearing up a bit as we discussed age, aging, and the inevitable loneliness of feeling “cast aside”. Fucking hell, that is some real shit. Sometimes being grown up is hard. I watch a small flock of birds take flight, appearing to chase a larger bird. They don’t pay me any attention at all. I’m not part of their experience.

We’re each walking our own path. No map. Sometimes we get lucky on the journey and have some companionship along the way for some distance. It’s not a given that we will, and ultimately we’re in this alone, regardless how or whether we surround ourselves with people or creatures. These are individual journeys. Nonetheless, we’re also all in it together. It’s a puzzle. I remind myself to try to be kind. Always.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, loneliness, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

A Generous Helping of Fail Sauce

February 12, 2023 //
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Damn yesterday was… unexpected. Such an auspicious beginning to the day, and still – it went rather horribly sideways. I’ll clarify that by “horribly”, I mean that my Traveling Partner and I had a falling out, raised voices, hurt feelings, deep sorrow, frustration, and lingering feels of emotional damage and despair, from which we had to work our way back to some sort of stable comfort with each other with great care, commitment to our lasting affection, and real effort. Many verbs involved. No violence. I make a point of saying that because a) I’ve for sure known far worse and b) it’s important for me to stay positive and aware of how good things actually are, but also that yeah – it’s still super shitty when we’ve been provoked into raising our voices with each other. It wasn’t a good day, although, to be fair, no one was injured in the making of our shitty experience together. I guess that’s something. I know I’m truly grateful that this is the state of “horrible” these days, vs more extreme “horrible” experiences I have known.

…The gratitude I feel, and my appreciation for my Traveling Partner’s day-to-day patience with my chaos and damage doesn’t do much to prevent bad days like yesterday. That’s unfortunate. One of my challenges is that domestic violence – real, ugly, physical violence – leaves more than physical scars. The psychological scars and the emotional scars are by far more “lasting” and “deeper” sorts of wounds, and I know I am not alone in the experience of struggling with those lasting trauma-based changes fucking me up all the g’damned time in my current otherwise quite healthy relationship. If it were “just me” we’d probably both have an easier time of things, but he also has his PTSD crap to deal with, his own “chaos and damage” to heal. It’s rough sometimes to “be there for each other” when it feels like we’re at odds with each other in some moment. It’s “the hard part” of loving someone who has been dealt grievous injuries by others.

I’m glad yesterday is behind us. I’ve got a few things to make amends for. Apologies, at some point, don’t quite fix things. It’s more important to “go forward doing better”, but it’s hard to trust the process – for either of us. It’s complicated.

I’m not sharing this seeking to bitch or seek sympathy, just saying; it’s real, it happens, it’s hard, and yeah – I’ve still got to pick myself back up, love myself and my partner, clean up the fail sauce that’s spilled just every-fucking-where, and begin again.

…Sounds so simple…

My back aches. My pain is through the fucking roof after yesterday, because that level of stress almost immediately uses up my resilience – it “empties my glass” right away. No spoons left. My ability to “bounce back” is impaired. It’ll pass. I remind myself frequently that it will, and make a point to attend to the details of every small improvement. It helps to “refill the glass”. (This can be much harder for “glass is half empty” folks, and maybe just a tiny bit easier for “glass is half full” folks.) I make a point to stay on top of my medications. To eat when I need to. To choose activities with care and self-consideration. To be kind to myself and my partner.

This morning we had our coffee together. It was pleasant. We spent the morning playing a video game together on his computer (him playing, me “helping” and making participatory conversation) – it’s a new game for me and I like it so well I downloaded it to play, myself, later. These shared experiences are very healing; they restore our emotional connection and rebuild a feeling of intimacy. They strengthen our bond. Practical and useful. We could do anything that is a shared positive experience – we could cook together, play a board game or a card game, walk or hike together… those things all work. The “secret” to success here is that the shared activity should be an engaging distraction from the shit that went sideways, without being “evasive” or “avoidant”, and works best if it is fun and positive – uplifting. This seems to be what works best for us, at least.

So… here I am on what feels like a very pleasant day. I hesitate to take the lovely day for granted after yesterday’s… side quest. Still… we did begin again, and we are here, now. It’s enough. I’ll keep practicing. I’ll keep working on being the woman I most want to be, and keep working to clean up the chaos, and heal the damage.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, Love, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, winter

Put Down the Baggage

January 30, 2023 //
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Weird weekend. (I could stop right there, honestly…)

“Baggage” is a tough challenge for people who have been traumatized. It can be super hard to put that shit down, and properly “begin again”. Our baggage tends to linger in our hidden corners, tucked away carefully where it’s difficult to see how problematic our thinking has become. We struggle with decision-making and outcomes that create an unpleasant experience or prevent us from thriving in our lives. It’s hard sometimes.

I’m hopeful that a particularly painful and difficult conversation with my Traveling Partner really does have the promising positive outcome it appears that it may… I’ve just got to set down some baggage and back away from it, then do some things differently going forward. Him too, I suppose, although in this instance the focus was for sure on me and the chaos and damage I sometimes struggle with.

Love and words. So many words. So much love.

Once we were “on the other side” of that difficult conversation, we enjoyed our evening together. I woke this morning feeling loved (and hopefully he did too). I’ve got a massive headache, still managed to enjoy a cup of coffee with my partner before I left for the local co-work space I sometimes work from. So far a promising start to the day and week. Nice.

Moving back into my studio was a sort of mix of manual labor and thoughtful work and careful selection. Now that it’s finished, I can’t fathom why I stalled for so long. I find myself returning to my studio again and again, thinking about creative projects. I’ve rekindled my eagerness to finish a particular manuscript that has been languishing in a file on my hard-drive for awhile – almost a decade. Long overdue, and I did not understand that two things were holding me back: 1 poem I had included that I had serious second thoughts about, and those journals tucked away in a bin. Funny; I took care of the journals, and now project after project that had been stalled seem to percolate to the surface for their moment.

What’s holding you back? When will you tackle that?

How much baggage are you dragging along every day? How much can you “just set down” and walk away from? Are there things you could let go of, that you… just don’t? What is that doing for you? (Seriously, you probably wouldn’t cling to some of that sticky bullshit if you weren’t getting something out of doing so, if only the strange comfort of familiarity – which is totally over-rated.)

I’m no therapist, just saying – lightening the load makes for an easier journey. 😉

I sip my coffee and think my thoughts. There’s a garden to plan. A life to live. Love to embrace and nurture. Already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Frustration, gratitude, grief, health, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5, weight loss secrets
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