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A Little of This, A Little of That

December 19, 2024 //
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Odd morning. Not a bad one at all, just a profound departure from the routine. For one thing, I overslept my artificial sunrise, and woke to the full brightness of the lights in the room, 10 minutes or so later than intended, and far later than typical. I woke in considerable pain, and very stiff, feeling like I’d been sleeping in the same strange position “all night”, with a stiff neck and back. Awkward. I moved slowly through my morning routine, almost leaving the house without putting my shoes on. I arrived at the trailhead emotionally prepared to walk, but feeling less than ideally eager to do so – the crick in my neck was still really super painful (and still is). Rough. I got a short walk in, then headed to the office to… work?

First I sipped coffee. Then I read my email. I watched a couple videos without really paying attention, then listened to some music. It’s been a weird morning. I pulled my attention back to work, and got some things done, now I’m distracted and a bit irritable because somewhere, someone is vacuuming something rather loudly, and the noise is carried through the building – a high pitched whine that I could seriously do without. What a peculiar morning.

I make another cup of coffee. The noise of the vacuuming finally stops. My neck still aches, but I’m not in a bad mood over it. I look at the picture of the Giftmas tree that I snapped this morning on my way to work for some reason – just pure childlike delight, I suppose. I grin to myself happily in spite of the pain in my neck. It’ll pass, eventually. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Only two days to the Winter Solstice. Only a week until Giftmas. Just 13 days to an entirely new year year. Wow. 2025 already here? How the hell did that happen “so fast”? Was I just distracted with the work of worrying and caregiving all year long? Damn. Life feels pretty good right now. This moment right here? Quite a nice one. I smile and take it all in, and sit with these positive hopeful feelings awhile. Soon enough, it’ll be time to begin again, practicing practices, and walking my path. For now though, this moment is enough.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Moments, Beginnings, Presence

December 11, 2024 //
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It’s a time of year I’m often thinking about presents, more than I am thinking about presence, but there are a lot of good reasons to pause for a moment and reflect on really simply being, in the moment I’m standing in. I sip my coffee a little vacantly; I’m slow to get things going this morning, and woke too early for no obvious reason. I’m feeling a little sluggish, and a lot distracted – only there’s nothing really going on “in here”. I’m just existing for a moment, a little inclined to wait it out for the next moment.

I watched a video (again) yesterday evening that really “speaks to me”. The topic is Ichigo Ichie, and it is about presence – being in the moment. I think about the idea of being present, and understanding each lived moment as an entirely unique, unrepeatable experience. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and sip my coffee thoughtfully, awake and aware, letting my senses fill up with this moment right here. I skipped my walk this morning. I have a painful headache and headlights sweeping across my eyes in the darkness was unpleasant, so I came directly to the office. It’s chilly in the office, somewhat unpleasantly so, but maybe it’s just me? The experience of ambient temperature can be such a subjective thing. I sit quietly with my thoughts and this moment for a little while.

…13 days until Giftmas. I’m not exactly counting down the days, but I’m aware of the holiday drawing near. There’s very little left to do about it, besides enjoy the moments. The weekend will come, and with it the final payday before the holiday. I’ll finish up small purchases for Giftmas stockings, and stock the pantry with favorite holiday treats. I remind myself to talk over the holiday meal with my Traveling Partner and figure out the menu for brunch on Giftmas morning. I smile thinking about it. There have been years of such tremendous struggle – this doesn’t feel like that, and I explore the feeling of quiet joy, and relative ease. There’s very little stress, and that feels very good. I let myself enjoy the awareness of the lack of stress – that seems like something worth savoring.

I think about my Dear Friend. It’s still quite odd to be enjoying the holiday season without her presence in the background of every activity and every moment of joy. I shared so much with her, I sometimes feel a little lost, as if standing on something very unsteady and having to find my balance. We shared so many Giftmases together over the years of our friendship – about 10 of those in person, for at least some portion of the Yule holiday season, and through conversation and email for all the rest that followed my break-up with my previous partner, who had been her son. It’s a strange path we each take through life. Quite an interesting journey, and I was fortunate to share so much of it with my Dear Friend. I’m not feeling tragic about it, this morning, just sitting with the wonders of holidays past, that we enjoyed together. I remember a particular holiday, trudging happily through sloppy streets, ankle deep in slush and snow, finishing the holiday shopping as I made my way to the train station to meet my Dear Friend. Some details stand out quite sharply (like the snow, and the cold, and the starry night), others much less so (was she traveling alone? Was I?). I smile and think about what matters most in life, and on this very human journey.

I sigh quietly, sipping my coffee, sitting with my thoughts in this moment right here. It’s a good moment. I feel connected and present, and ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Connections & Recipes

November 29, 2024 //
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Thanksgiving dinner was delightful and delicious. Everything came to the table hot and I’m pleased and satisfied with the outcome, generally. Oh, sure, the stuffing was a little dry (I tried a better quality cubed bread, but didn’t correctly account for the additional liquid I’d need, and failed to crush some of it to crumbs), and I didn’t also make rolls or biscuits (are you fucking kidding me? I made the meal without help, and only have 1 oven and four burners! lol). Still, the “bitching” about those details wasn’t a big deal and overall the meal was well-received.

… The sous vide turkey was fucking amazing!…

By the end of the evening, we were all relaxing, food put away, dishes cleared, kitchen tidied up, and the first load of dishes in the dishwasher, watching old UFC fights and having a merry good time. My feet were hurting like crazy from being on them all day. I’m pretty sure everyone was in pain from their own limits being reached over the course of the day. I was tired, too. Up early, at it all day…no nap. lol Like a little kid, I was at risk of being moody and emotional. I went to bed abruptly when it was suddenly super clear that any little thing might set me off.

… Because little things had begun to set me off, not because I’m emotionally aware and wise from experience. Just human…

Oh damn, what a lovely Thanksgiving, though. Leftovers, too. Yummy. Today? Well, I’ll be safely at home not shopping, putting up the Giftmas tree and decorating the house with festive things. No way am I going out into the retail chaos today! There was already traffic at 05:00 a.m.! Fuck that.  I’ve got better things to do.

Long weekend. If I get the tree done today, I am hoping to paint tomorrow. My Traveling Partner has brought something to my creative experience that no previous partnership has; structure. He’s been actively encouraging me to make a point of painting on Saturday. I’m not entirely sure why, exactly, but having that bit of structure has been…nice. I paint more, and it’s becoming an actual practice, which feels good and definitely nurtures something within me. Easy enough to also do laundry, rotating the loads between paintings and folding things and putting it away after the painting is all done, or while taking a break to think about the next piece.

As things are these days, I quite literally do not have any “days off”, at all, unless I leave for the coast or to go camping. There’s just too much to do, and I’m also employed full-time. I’m not even bitching (well, maybe a little); there’s just too much non-negotiable workload between work, household upkeep, caregiving, and errands that need to be run. It can’t not get done, and at least for now it all falls to me day-to-day (although the Anxious Adventurer handles the majority of the heavy work to do with things in the shop, or big projects like assembling furniture or the hot tub maintenance). I’m damned lucky any day I can sit down for a few minutes. Even taking time to shower sometimes feels like a luxury. Having my partner’s encouragement to paint, in spite of all that… well, I feel very loved.

I manage to keep getting a walk each morning, and making time to write. Self-care matters, and these practices fit neatly into a time of day in which I wouldn’t be inclined to do noisier things around the house. It’s something. It’s a lot, really. I’m grateful for these quiet moments alone with myself. They’re as important to me as time spent at my easel.

A new day.

I stop at a convenient picnic table along the trail and write for a few minutes. Chilly morning. Gray daybreak becomes a gray dawn. Looks like a gray autumn day ahead. I listen to a flock of Canada geese pass overhead.

I’m grateful for this good life, and each new day. Yesterday I made time to renew connections with old friends, and distant family. Our relationships matter more than most other things about being human. I’ve got some good friends. I smile thinking about the various conversations about food and recipes. What a delightful thing to share. I feel fortunate. I sit awhile reflecting on life, recipes – and gratitude.

The day stretches ahead of me. It’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Thankful

November 28, 2024 //
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One thing I like about American culture is that we have an un-ironic holiday on the calendar for gratitude. We take a day to gather, feast, and share a moment of thanks. It’s an oddity among our holidays; it is far less commercialized than most of them. It’s mostly just a holiday feast. I enjoy the cooking and the meal. As a kid I enjoyed the various peculiar rituals, and the chance to see cousins from far away places as we all gathered at Grandfather’s house. I have amazing holiday memories of those childhood Thanksgivings.

I’ve never hosted large family gatherings for Thanksgiving, but I remember the fuss and chaos and celebration fondly (possibly because I didn’t have to coordinate the details or do much of the work!). I’m grateful to enjoy the holiday without the extra work involved in cooking, serving, and cleaning up after an elaborate meal for a large group. lol I’m content with a smaller celebration.

Thanksgiving morning before sunrise.

I woke to a cold properly autumnal morning and slipped away for my walk as quietly as I could. I slept well and deeply and I am grateful to start the day rested. There’s so much to do, later. I’m grateful for this quiet “now”, and sit for a moment after I put on my boots, just enjoying feeling the moment. It’s enough.

I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, and I begin the day here. Thankful for a good night’s sleep in a safe, comfortable home. Thankful for the warm base layers that keep me comfortable in the autumn cold. Thankful for my cane, which keeps me steady on my feet – and thankful to be walking. So thankful. I’m fortunate.

I’m thankful for this well maintained trail, and this quiet morning. I’m thankful for the partner who will welcome me home with love later this morning. I’m thankful for the coffee beans waiting in the grinder that will become my morning coffee, and the well stocked pantry that will provide ingredients for the evening meal. I’m thankful for hot and cold running water that is safe to drink. I’m thankful for my reliable vehicle and cozy house. I’m thankful for the books on my shelves, my eyesight, and the ability to read. I’m thankful for the Internet connectivity that keeps me in touch with friends and family. I’m thankful for the job that keeps the bills paid. I’m thankful for this comfortable good life.

I’m fortunate. I’m grateful. I’m merry.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Categories autumn, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being

Consequences & Choices

November 27, 2024 //
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I woke up feeling cross and headache-y. I rolled up the road in the foggy darkness after making coffee for my beloved Traveling Partner and putting out a fresh glass of water and some morning snacks for him to wake up to. Hopefully his night was better than mine. I get awfully annoyed with him when he’s stupidly cross or frustrated with me, particularly when it is over something I don’t have a lot of control over, or something that isn’t about me at all in any reasonable way. He’s human too, and recovering from a serious injury is difficult and frustrating on its own. That’s not made easier by the medications he is taking to ease this or that symptom. I remind myself often that it isn’t personal, that he’s doing his best, and that he loves me. Doesn’t always make it any easier to endure.

Last night he was pretty crabby, in general, and I was “over it” almost immediately. I have needs of my own, and I definitely didn’t feel supported, cared for, or held in high regard. Didn’t help that I hadn’t slept well the night before, and knowing that was true for him, too, I suspect poor sleep was the biggest piece of our shared experience. I called it a night early and tried to get the rest I needed. That was a mixed success and my night was interrupted and not ideally restful. I’ll get over it.

I remind myself not to be a jerk to people; I can’t really know what they’re going through, and most people mean well, and generally try to do their best. Choosing to do anything else than my own best, to treat people well and kindly, with patience and understanding, comes with real predictable consequences. I know that’s true in work, family life, and love. People have a finite amount of nastiness or disrespect that they’ll endure before they lash out or just walk away. That’s reasonable, too. There’s no need to put up with someone’s bullshit rudeness, mistreatment, or drama, at all – there are other (better) options.

I think about my behavior, and I think about my beloved’s behavior, too. We’re walking this path together out of love, and I’m grateful for this deep and enduring love we share – but I’m no fool; we both have options. There’s no reason either of us should settle for each other’s worst behavior, ever. We have a mutual obligation to each other (and to the love we share) to do our best every day. Sure, sometimes our results may vary, and human is human. Still, it’s worth the effort, and certainly if we give up making the effort, love will bear the consequences. That’s just real.

I sit in the pre-dawn darkness out on the marsh. The fog is dense this morning. My head aches and my tinnitus is louder than the traffic on the nearby highway. I sigh quietly and see the steam of my breath become part of the fog. The VA says I need hearing aids now. I guess I’m not surprised. I haven’t really processed that yet. I don’t know how much it really matters. I hope they’re easy to wear and use and that they help. It’s been frustrating to have to be face-to-face with my beloved to be certain of hearing what he’s saying to me, and it’s clearly been frustrating for him, too. The doctor suggested, kindly, that there’s a chance the tinnitus will seem less loud when I’m hearing voice frequencies at a normal volume once again. That’d be a nice change. I’m grateful for the chance to have this technology available. Pretty amazing.

I sit with my thoughts awhile. It’s a chilly morning. Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I’ve much to be grateful for. I focus on the gratitude. It’s pretty hard to feel annoyed and grateful at the same time. lol Useful cognitive trick.

I get to my feet. It’s time to begin again. I’ll do my best.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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