Chilly morning, but not cold. I’m groggy again this morning and eager for the weekend. I woke early and headed to the local trail I favor. The sliver of moon on the horizon was rising, the sun not yet peeking over the edge of the world.
A sliver of moon.
I set off down the trail. There are already birds singing in the pre-dawn darkness. I listen to them as I walk and try to identify them. Seems likely it’s mostly robins. Busy morning for creatures, apparently; I am startled by a raccoon at the edge of the trail (and had myself startled a different one as I left the house, earlier). We look each other over and mutually decide not to be bothered. lol I walk on.
I breathe exhale and relax. Stopping at my halfway point, I sit for a moment with the sunrise. Peach and pale orange hues remind me to stop at the store for oranges for my Traveling Partner on my way home. Yesterday’s work day invades my thoughts, and I let that go. Somewhere distant I hear morning traffic. I’m actually not far from the highway, and when this trail winds back through the vineyard adjacent to this strip of creekside forest, the highway will be easily visible. This is not an exciting or remote trail. It is convenient and very well maintained.
I sit with my thoughts awhile longer before getting to my feet to head back to the car. There’s a new day ahead and it’s time to begin again, already.
Some 15 months ago or so, I drained the hot tub, planning to clean and refill it, which I didn’t do before winter had come. It stood empty quite a long while. Shortly after the Anxious Adventurer moved in back in July, he refilled it and adjusted the chemistry – very promising – only to discover a notable leak. Well, shit. I’ve been without the joy of being immersed in hot water for all this time, and last night after repair work, and tinkering, and cleaning, and filling, and adjusting chemistry, the hot tub was back to fulfill its purpose; being full of hot water. Oh damn that was so nice, just to soak in hot water, floating gently, watching the sky overhead. See, the thing about a bath tub is that the water inevitably begins to cool, a less than ideal outcome. lol
I still woke up crazy stiff and hurting, this morning, lovely moment soaking in the hot tub being a profound pleasure but not a cure for anything. I’m not even annoyed. It’s just part of the experience.
I drove in to the office feeling merry, without regard to the pain I’m in. I stopped at the top of a hill to see a beautiful sight before driving on (I rarely allow myself that luxury).
Mt. Hood, Venus, a crescent moon.
Nice morning for it. I’ll get a walk later. My head aches and I could do with a cup of coffee. It’s a busy day ahead. I work on taking things as they come, this morning, and refrain from reading things into the moment, or anticipating challenges that don’t yet exist. I’m just floating. Present. Observing. Mindful. Enjoying this moment as it is, without demanding that it do or be more than whatever it happens to be, now. Allowing sufficiency to be enough.
strawberry blossoms
I think about dinner, later. I think about my garden, now. Neither of these things are part of my experience of this moment, here. That’s very much part of the challenge, isn’t it? Living “now” doesn’t have to be about hedonistic excess (probably shouldn’t be about that, really), but neither is it “about” the moments and experiences that are presently out of reach. Yearning is not productive. Planning is. How best to find the balance between those things is work in progress, at least for me. I remind myself to make room for other experiences, other lives, other ways, other journeys, while I walk my own path. I breathe, exhale, and relax. (How am I so tired this morning?)
I sip my coffee, finding some amusement in how much I miss my Traveling Partner this morning, and my garden, and the cup of coffee I’d make for myself… simple experiences of profound joy, readily available when I work from home. Things are fine in the office, and there is nothing to complain about. I even have a pleasant view of a lovely Spring morning out this window in front of me. I’m neither content with where I am, nor am I wishing to be elsewhere. I’m just here, living this moment, and it’s fine. I feel fairly positive, and mostly merry, I just hurt and my attempts to avoid that sensation are fatiguing and have the potential to make me cross as the day wears on. I’m restless. Thinking about my garden is preferrable. Thinking about my beloved is uplifting. I end up spending rather a lot of time “in my own head”. No complaints; it has become a pretty pleasant place, generally.
…I’m stalling. There’s an entire day ahead and I have a list of things to get done in these handful of mortal hours. The clock is ticking and it is time to begin, again.
This morning is a chilly one. Not quite freezing. There was a meteor shower peaking last night, but I didn’t stay up to see it, in spite of the likelihood of a clear night. It didn’t actually freeze overnight, and there was no frost on the ground where I live. When I got to the trailhead, I found a pleasant spot to watch the sky and enjoyed seeing Venus shining brightly, a beautiful crescent moon, and even a couple shooting stars. Worth a few minutes of time outside on a chilly Spring morning.
One unrepeatable moment of many.
I breathe, exhale, and relax, and head down the trail as daybreak begins. Nice morning to put another mile on these boots. I think thoughts of Spring, and of camping. It’s still too chilly for sleeping on the ground (for me). It won’t be long before camping is a fun way to get a couple days of solo time. I’ve got reservations at a new spot, too, in July. I’m hoping to get a couple days of painting on the coast in June.
I feel restless and a bit distracted.
I sigh and keep walking to my halfway point, and stop to write and reflect. Hard to keep my mind focused on this present moment, here, now, this morning. I wonder why, before letting my thoughts wander on. I’m in pain on this chilly morning. I’m distracted by the lingering recollection of strange surreal dreams from which I woke just before my alarm. I feel sleepy and I’m certain I could go right back to sleep, but it is a work day. I watch the sky change colors.
I shake off my sleepiness. I get to my feet and look down the trail, past the vineyard. The clock is ticking. The sun is rising. It is a new day and it’s time to begin again.
It won’t always be this way – whatever way it happens to be at the moment. I do my best to enjoy the journey, in spite of pain, in spite of bad weather, in spite of pitfalls, challenges, and the consequences of poor choices. I do my best to enjoy the journey when it is easy to enjoy it (which seems pretty obvious, but turns out it sometimes isn’t), and also when it is difficult. I’m not suggesting bullshit affirmations and inauthentic enthusiasm, it’s more a matter of “doing my best”, and staying true to the path I’ve chosen. Sometimes it’s hard.
Last night was one of those times. I was in so much pain. My neck was hurting, and my occipital neuralgia had flared up. My headache was worse than usual and the left side of my body was a mess of knots, and cramps, and discomfort. It was pretty awful – bad enough that my beloved Traveling Partner (who could do nothing to ease my suffering) could not bear to be in my company. That was its own sort of misery, and I finally just gave up and went to bed early. I didn’t sleep, not right away, but I was also in no shape to enjoy a new video game I’ve started, and too distracted by pain to read anything new. I got as comfortable as I could, prepared for sleep, and picked up a book so familiar to me it may as well be stories from my own life. lol Stale and boring? No. Comforting and easy. Eventually I slept, and when I woke, there was my Kindle, standing where it had been. It turned itself off at some point after I stopped turning digital pages. Convenient.
A strawberry blossom in my garden, a metaphor for change, and joy – and impermance.
This morning is a new day. I woke feeling refreshed. Headache as near to gone as it ever gets these days. The left side of my body feels substantially the same as the right side. My neck is “only” stiff, and I don’t fuck with it, hoping to enjoy this brief reprieve from discomfort as long as it may last. My occipital neuralgia has died away on its own – probably the greatest relief of yesterday’s pain that I could ask for, today. There’s just no arguing with nerve pain, and so far nothing I’ve been prescribed works well enough to justify overlooking the side-effects (which, in one case, was suicidal despair – I mean, seriously? Fuck that shit, I’d rather spend the rest of my life with my face feeling like it is on fire). This morning is a happy relief and I got to the office feeling incredibly purposeful and productive. I wasted no time “catching up” on an entire day’s work, and planning the remainder of the week, besides. Feels good. I feel capable, which is not always how I feel.
Change is. Sometimes the journey is difficult, sometimes it is easy – it rarely stays the way it is for very long. Storms come and go. There are sunny days and cloudy days. (Weather makes a pretty good metaphor for change.) I sip my coffee and reflect on the value I have found in practicing non-attachment, and learning to “be here, now”, more easily, more often. Quality of life varies with our circumstances, sure, but it also varies based on how we deal with our circumstances, how we care for ourselves, and whether we’re finding whatever joy there may be, even in the toughest of times. Not one word about any of this being “easy” or coming naturally to me (or anyone) as a human being. I just keep walking my path, doing my best, and greeting each sunrise as an entirely new day, full of promise and moments that may never be repeated. That’s a pretty good place to begin a day, I find.
I smile to myself remembering something that occured to me this morning; this anniversary coming up for my Traveling Partner and I is significant in a very special way (to me). This anniversary marks this relationship being the longest of my long-term relationships. Hell, it’s even longer than the years I lived with my family of origin. Wow. I hope it lasts many years more. “Forever”, maybe, whatever that means in a human lifetime. I often do feel as if we’ve “always” been together in some strange way. We seem so deeply connected. Even when we’re cross with each other, I’m not feeling inclined to “head for the door”, other than maybe to go take a walk and put my mind on other things until I cool off. Deep, enduring love seems a rare thing. I’m glad I have this to enjoy and experience. I’m glad my Traveling Partner is sharing a portion of his journey with me (and mine with him). I thought about how best to celebrate this special anniversary with him, as I drove to the office. I didn’t come up with anything besides sharing the day. I don’t want an expensive trinket or token of his affection; I am wrapped in his love every day. I can’t think of a single thing to make for him or give to him that would say more about my love that the life we share already says. I just want to be with him. I guess I should take that day off work, then, eh? lol
I spent the weekend in the garden. It was lovely time, well-spent. “Soul-nourishing” time. Healing time. Productive time. Time spent gazing at flowers and working in the soil. Time spent sipping coffee and thinking about what to plant where, next, and pulling weeds. I hope I can maintain the momentum through the summer months! Last year I fell short of my goals (like, a lot) because caring for my beloved took much more of my time and energy that I expected (having had no experience with caregiving, previously). I wouldn’t change that; he needed me, and I love him far too much to put my garden ahead of him in my priorities under such circumstances.
I sip my coffee grateful to enjoy it. Grateful to enjoy love. Grateful that I don’t hurt as much today as I did yesterday. Grateful to have this wee suburban home and my little garden, and a few sunny days to spend there. I smile at the blue morning sky beyond the window. The clock is ticking – but it seems to tick a bit more slowly when I am enjoying the time. I think about that for a moment, and then begin again.
Yesterday was delightful. All the way to the trailhead this morning, I thought about the gardening yesterday. As I walked, I continued to reflect on my garden, noticing the various wildflowers and grasses growing along the marsh trail and among the oaks on the meadow. I think about the bit of space yet to plant with… something. I keep walking.
Nice morning for it
Yesterday evening I got very excited to consider adding a potted rose to my still developing west side garden. This morning I admitted to myself that my eagerness was carrying me enthusiastically beyond my good sense; roses won’t do well in that location. Not enough hours of sunshine. I chuckle to myself when I fall back to my thought of perhaps putting a citronella geranium in that pot? Good grief, those get huge; it’s a small space. What am I thinking? So human.
For a time, I distract myself from those yearnings by contemplating the front flower bed, where I decided to fill in more area with the primroses that are doing so well. I’m eager to divide them and spread them out. I laugh at myself; it’s not yet time for that. They’re still blooming. I am so eager to proceed. Waiting on timing is hard.
It can be so difficult to approach plans and eagerness with discipline. It’s not impossible. It takes practice. Commitment. Something else productive to do is helpful, too. I smile as I walk, shaking my head at my foolishness. There’s plenty of weeding to do. Fact. There’s no shortage of work to be done. It’s just not the exciting stuff: the planning, the shopping, the planting. Not just now. The work that needs doing is weeding. The garden version of housework. Removing the wild geraniums that appear in the lawn. Digging out the occasional dandelion, too. Pulling out stray lawn grass where it tries to encroach on a flower bed. It even turns up in my raised beds. So much weeding. Manual labor of a rather unsatisfying, less than ideally fun sort. lol Still needs doing. Like the housework. There’s no actual end to it, and there’s nearly always something that needs to be done to live well and comfortably. Clutter to reduce. Tasks to be completed. Order to create out of chaos. It’s all worthy and worthwhile.
The garden as a metaphor; the work that needs doing isn’t exciting or glamorous. Still needs to be done.
… Sometimes it’s hard to want to do the actual work…
When I stop at my halfway point to write and meditate, I notice how much my legs ache. My back, too. My head is kind of stuffy; allergies. As if on cue, I sneeze several times. Oh, but the flowers do smell so good! I add Claritin and pocket tissues to my shopping list for later.
My Traveling Partner has already pinged me a loving greeting this morning. I smile, feeling his love. Yesterday he showed me how the new Hue Forge software works. Exciting! It makes me think about color differently. He did a small project from a photo I had taken, with me “along for the ride”. It was a lovely shared moment. I sit quietly reflecting on love and life together. 14 years married, on May 1st – it doesn’t seem so long, but at the same time feels as if we’ve “always been together”. It’s a nice feeling.
Sky through the trees, rendered in Hue Forge and 3D printed.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. This “being human” thing takes so much practice to do skillfully without doing a lot of unintentional damage. Like learning new software, or developing a new skill, there’s more to it than there seems to be, given an opportunity to explore the nuances more deeply. lol I reflect awhile longer, on my garden, on love, on becoming the person I most want to be. There are so many verbs involved. So many opportunities to choose, do, fail, and to begin again. I’ll keep practicing – and walking my own path. I sigh contentedly, and get to my feet. It’s already time to walk on. Time to begin again.
Evening Light 