Another autumn morning, no sunrise before the work day begins and I’m okay with it. I’ve got these quiet minutes of solitude to reflect on upcoming holidays, ongoing genocides, and an important election. (Please vote, I hope that goes without saying.) The world feels like it has gone mad… maybe don’t contribute to the chaos, pain, and mayhem. Don’t add to the body count. Seems almost ridiculous to say such things, but… there’s a lot of killing going on, and it is being perpetrated by human beings. Don’t be one the killers. Actual people are committing atrocities against other actual people, and somehow finding a way to justify their participation in these horrors. Don’t do that.
It’s morning. I’m okay, though I am aware of the world, and the pain, misery, and destruction we somehow refuse to end. It’s a foggy autumn morning. The sky overhead, though, is clear and starry. It gives me a brief hope.
Traffic in the fog.
Yesterday was a good start on a new week, that is already almost over. I’m over being ill, which is nice. Monday is a holiday, which I had forgotten, and the long weekend ahead feels like an unexpected treat. I sit quietly awhile, grateful for the small win. I gently shift my thoughts away from more worldly matters, and reflect with gratitude on the many things in my life that are working out well. Small moments of joy and satisfaction. Contentment. These things matter, too, and there’s an enormous reserve of resilience waiting within them. I breathe, exhale, and relax, giving myself over to a few moments of meditation, before I begin again.
This morning I walked in the dark, with the light of my headlamp making a small visible circle ahead of me, bobbing along with my steps. I walked with my thoughts, and not much else. I was thinking about a question I’d proposed to myself recently (“How does my partner see me, in the abstract, and how does this differ from the woman I am?”), but this morning, I flipped it around and asked myself “who do I understand my Traveling Partner to be, in my recollections, when we are not together, and how does that differ from my lived experience with him when we are together?” It seems useful to understand the variances that may exist, and maybe where those may come from, and what purpose they serve (or problems they may create). Am I holding space for my Traveling Partner to be the man he truly is? Do I love that man, or just a fantasy of who I think he may be? Do I give him the freedom (and support) to change over time and become the man he most wants to be? Do I have an opportunity to be a better lover, friend and partner through understanding him more…accurately? Am I making it more difficult for us to really enjoy each other by holding on to romanticized adolescent notions of the man he is – or worse perhaps, not recognizing his real self with gratitude and delight because I’ve “got baggage”? These seem to be worthwhile questions. I walked along reflecting on them.
The days continue to shorten, and I finished my walk in darkness and hustled on to the office to start the work day. Writing had to wait on a later moment; there were more important things to do, and to think about, as I began this day. I never saw the sun rise, and when it eventually did it rose on a gray cloudy day that looks like it might rain. I wouldn’t call it “bland and uninteresting”, but it wasn’t the colorful display of recent mornings, at all.
Yesterday, I was still pretty under the weather, and I had managed to pass on the ick to my Traveling Partner, likely by way of my happy-to-be-home kiss and embrace on Sunday morning, just based on timing. I’m already pretty much over it – sufficiently so to feel comfortable going in to the office today. I’m hopeful that he’ll soon be over it, too. It sucked having to reschedule his appointments, around which my away plans had been built in the first place. lol Change is. Reality does not give a shit about my damned plans.
…Later…
I took a break. Enjoyed a moment to catch up with a colleague I rarely see in person. Exchanged some cute “stickers” via messaging with my Traveling Partner. Tackled some priority workload. Finally found myself once again in this other here and now, feeling just a bit as if it is a sort of “alternate reality” in which I am always relaxed, thoughtful, and contented. lol. “Living the dream.”
The morning began well, but by the time I finished a quick trip to the grocery store after my walk, I began feeling…off. What started as a tickle in the back of my throat ended up being an entire day sick, mostly sleeping, hoping to get over it sufficiently quickly to get my Traveling Partner to appointments. I ended up calling out for today’s work shift, throat still raw, still feeling less than ideally well.
I got up at my usual time and dragged myself through my routine. There’s comfort and a feeling of normalcy in that. I go with it, in spite of the sore throat. I plan to take it pretty easy today. I feel some better than yesterday. I reach for a throat lozenge and a sip of hot coffee.
…A short walk at a relaxed pace will probably do me good…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. These fragile meat suits in which we spend our lifetime need quite a bit of maintenance and care, don’t they? So inconvenient. I’m grateful it’s not worse – there are for sure worse things going around!
I sip my coffee, waiting for the sun. Once daybreak comes, I’ll begin again… and again… and again…
Nice break from the day-to-day, and I definitely needed it. Now it’s back to life, back to reality…. and, oh, hey, there’s a song for that. I add it to my playlist, queue it up, and sing along as I drive to the trailhead feeling grateful that I took today off to “reacclimate” to real life after I returned from the coast.
I slept deeply last night, the first really good deep sleep I’ve had in days – since before my trip to the coast. I rarely sleep really well in a hotel. I often sleep poorly at home. I don’t take it personally or fret much about it anymore; I have sleep challenges and I’m pretty accepting and real about it. Sleep disturbances have been “a thing” for me since I was a child. I’ve experienced multiple parasomnias, some of which persist to this day, and some that I seem to have “grown out of”, or recovered from with medication or therapy. I don’t think of them as “part of who I am” so much as relatively commonplace challenges I happen to endure. I’ve long since given up seeking a root cause or wanting to assign blame. It just isn’t about that. I’m generally grateful to sleep well and deeply. It’s quite a wonderful experience when I do.
Watching the traffic pass by, waiting for the sun
The morning is dark and foggy. I watch the traffic pass by on the highway and sit quietly with my headache (which is a 7 out of 10 this morning) and my tinnitus (which seems to be turned up to 11). Unpleasant, uncomfortable sensations on an otherwise pleasant morning. My head is filled with the remnants of surrealistic dreams of running down forested paths between festival tents and brightly painted caravans, and strangers doing strange things. I was playfully evading a group of my friends for some reason, and woke before I could figure out why some angry old man was hucking tangerines at me. lol
… How’s that for having nothing at all to do with reality?…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I am vexed by this headache. I feel certain I have “things” to do today… but for the moment I don’t recall what, and there’s nothing on my list to guide me. What am I forgetting? Anything? Is it just that nagging feeling, unattached to anything real? I sip my coffee, and wait for the sun.
…Fuck this headache, though…
My Traveling Partner definitely missed me while I was gone. The reality of having me back home, in his presence, with all of my issues, and very authentically me, this woman that I actually am, wasn’t embraced with the same enthusiasm, or so it seemed to me. I’m sometimes quite frustrated by the sensation that the woman he loves so deeply may not actually be the woman I am. I’d love to be able to see myself through his eyes…both the version he holds in his heart when I am away, and the creature who vexes him so when I am with him. I wonder what I might learn about myself – or about my partner?
Daybreak comes.
The gate to the parking lot finally opens with a familiar rusty screech and a quiet clang. The timing has changed. I take note. Reality legitimately does not care about my expectations one bit, and it’s a useful practice to reset expectations with new information. I try to do it often.
It’s still early. Chilly morning. I’ve got a warm shirt on, and a comfy zip-up fleece. The sunrise is orange through the mist. I lace up my boots and grab my cane. Good morning for walking and for self-reflection, and a good morning to begin again.
I’m sipping my coffee, waiting for the sun. I’ll enjoy the sunrise, finish loading the car, and then head for home. I miss my Traveling Partner, and it’s time. My coffee is quite good this morning; it’s left from yesterday’s very excellent coffee, purchased on my way to a beach walk not too far away. I knew I’d want a good cup of coffee this morning, early, and it was honestly too late in the morning for coffee drinking when I bought it – so I got a 20 oz Americano, black, and enjoyed something less than half of that with the plan of saving the rest for this morning. It has proven to be a good plan. 😀
I’m more or less packed. I’m showered. Dressed. There’s no particular reason to linger, besides this handful of words, a moment for meditation, and the coming sunrise. Very low stress, as mornings go. I’d intended to get a bit closer to sleeping in, but my eagerness to see my partner overcame any potential for further sleep around 05:00 a.m.. LOL Hardly counts as sleeping in, but whatever. I’m rested. I’m content to enjoy my coffee, and this quiet moment.
A productive weekend, creatively.
The time away has been well-spent, creatively speaking. 9 new pastels, a couple of them exceed my expectations and quite delight me. All of them are adequately satisfying to meet my needs. Another 9 hours or so, over 3 evenings, spent studying the art of pastel and a variety of techniques commonly used. 4 or 5 hours spent walking the beaches. An hour or so spent getting my hair cut. Unmeasured time spent chatting with my Traveling Partner because we often miss each other more than I enjoy my solitude. Time well-spent, indeed.
…Not one single nap, at all, how strange…
… I’m wrong. lol I forgot about my unexpected early evening nap the night I checked in. Good grief, I was sooo tired.
…Now it’s time to begin again, to go home, and hopefully to take with me renewed enthusiasm for the day-to-day, and restored resilience for the things that will go wrong – because things definitely will. lol It’s a very human experience.
I reflect on the days now behind me. Did I get what I was looking for? What I needed? I think so, yeah. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Now I’m just waiting for the sunrise, and drinking my coffee. I’m ready to begin again.
Evening Light 