Archives for category: Brain Injury

I woke early, and in pain. I crashed early last night, after dozing off sitting up, shortly after getting home from work…but didn’t fall asleep until past 10 pm, although I drifted in and out of real wakefulness without any particular schedule. I’d have probably slept, I try to tell myself, if it weren’t for the blast of icy cold water in the middle of my hot shower…but as a long time insomniac with a variety of sleep disturbances, realistically, I know that isn’t necessarily true. Last night, as tired as I was, just wasn’t a night I was going to sleep well. Pain is an everyday challenge, and autumn – my favorite season – is the worst for pain every day.

Mushrooms after rain.

Mushrooms after rain.

Today isn’t a bad day. I just hurt. I don’t hurt more than what is endurable (see? I’m here, enduring it.), but it isn’t pleasant. Perspective is in the recollection of worse pain on other days, and the understanding that there are other people who hurt more, out there in the world, right now. There is value in not obsessing over it, and in not making it worse with the power of my thoughts; I smile as I observe the phrasing and note that my traveling partner would almost certainly point out that I framed it up ‘in the negative’. He would, perhaps, wonder if there were more positive emotional value in it, if I used positive language. 🙂 (We learn from love. Love helps us become who we most want to be – when we allow it.)

One of my challenges, a small one in the scheme of things, is learning to use more positive language.  I tend to reply to a question like “how are you?” with something like “not bad”.  It is phrasing that lingers from a much more discontent, wounded, fearful time in my life; admitting how good something seemed was a direct path to having it taken from me. Harsh. That’s not my life now, and there’s no danger in saying I’m in a good place today, or that I enjoy something.  Positive language doesn’t come naturally to me. I keep at it; growth and change come with practice, over time. Change is what changes us.

When conditions are right, growth happens.

When conditions are right, growth happens.

No coffee this morning. There’s only enough left for one beverage this morning; I forgot to pick up coffee last night. I’m not surprised at the miss. I was so tired walking home from the train station that I don’t actually remind remember the walk at all. I leave the remaining coffee for my partner, who will wake unaware of the shortage. This morning I am enjoying a cup of tea, brewed very strong. It’s not at all the same experience, but it is an acceptable morning beverage enjoyed by millions every day, and I am content with tea this morning. I’ll pick up coffee today.

When I take time to look, I see. When I take time to listen, I hear.

When I take time to look, I see. When I take time to listen, I hear.

It’s a quiet morning, on a therapy day. My work schedule has caused me to cancel a couple of appointments recently to attend important training. I find myself wondering, just for a moment, ‘important for who?’  It is a worthy question, and answering it is one more small challenge. I was going to add yet another rather mundane challenge du jour, faced with needing to track down some military paperwork…then while I was framing the thought and wrapping it in words, I found the paperwork precisely where it most rationally would be based on the way I organize such things. lol Clearly, that one was only a challenge in my thoughts, in anticipation of the action. The finding of the paperwork was actually a bit of a let down. I find myself smiling at the incongruity; pleased to find the paperwork, and ever-so-slightly irked that it really wasn’t a challenge – it was the anxiety around not finding it that was the challenge, and that turned out to be entirely in my head.

Our storms are not without value; it is after the rain falls that mushrooms grow.

Our storms are not without value; experience teaches perspective.

When I feel overwhelmed, however large or small the individual challenges, issues, needs, or upcoming events may be, every one of them seems huge, insurmountably difficult, and together they seem too numerous to easily manage. Often I find myself later admitting what a small thing most of them were, taken singly. I think for a moment of some common call center advice that seems applicable, “take the calls one at a time”. Yep. The challenges are easier one at a time. Problems that need solving are often much less puzzling taken individually. Decisions that I face are often less complicated separated from all the other decisions to be made. “Each time for the first time. Each moment the only moment.” (a favorite Jon Kabat Zinn quote) Sort of brings me back around to the mindfulness practices that are tending to see me smiling every day, even in the face of challenges. I can’t stop life from adding challenges to my experience, and change is. I can breathe calming breaths, and take the challenges one by one; it is enough.

Today is a good day love, and let love in. Today is a good day to take the challenges one by one, and be mindfully aware we’ve all got some. Today is a good day to be kind. Today is a good day to change the world.

In the morning, I generally write. Usually that’s after a shower, after I’m dressed, after some yoga and meditation, and my espresso is tasty and hot and next to me on my desk; it is a comfortable routine these days.

This morning I woke to the alarm, and still groggy standing in front of my closet exchanged unrecalled words with my partner. I wasn’t quite awake. There may have been needless – and not especially emotional – tears involved. My brain wasn’t online yet, and I struggled with comprehension. I didn’t really sleep until shortly past one; a persistent sense of someone’s wakefulness besides mine kept me from drifting off more than once or twice, and I repeatedly found sleep slipping away to the sound of voices in the background, continued conversation in the wee hours. I don’t know that there really was conversation; I got up once or twice, concerned, and found only apparent stillness. Irksome to be restless when I could be sleeping. Short nights put me at risk of volatility; it’ll be an early bedtime tonight, and attentive to how I treat people all day long. The details matter. People matter.

This morning, not much writing; I spent the time on technical support. LOL Yep. The vast and fantastic technology we enjoy let me down this morning. Rebooting fixed everything? Well, sometimes; this time it took three tries, and a couple of updates. I’m annoyed now, momentarily; all that fuss over my sound bar not being recognized by my laptop…only… it’s not even 6:00 am. I wasn’t listening to music. Human primates are weird. lol

No additional bitching required.

No additional bitching required.

Last night I left work on a cloudy autumn evening. I got home soaked to the skin, utterly drenched, even my raincoat soaked through. Autumn in the Pacific Northwest is rainy. Yes, that is a deliberate understatement. It seems foolish to go on about it much; I am a pluviophile, and I moved here because I enjoy the rain. I don’t much enjoy being soaked to the skin on a chilly evening with 2 miles yet to walk to reach home…but…frankly, there are worse things that go wrong in life every day than being rain-drenched, or dealing with technology in the morning. lol

Today is a good day to let the small stuff go. Today is a good day to refocus, and enjoy each precious moment. Today is a good day to face the world with a smile I own, myself, just for me  – and not take other people’s drama personally. Today is a good day for purpose, and for meaning. Today is a good day to be prepared for inclement weather. Today is a good day to change the world.

Well, or consider anything, actually. Consideration is one of my Big 5 relationship (and life) values. I’m thinking that one over this morning, and why not? I could do worse on a Monday, with partners waking feeling poorly this morning, than to contemplate consideration.

We choose where to direct our attention and our efforts; there are a lot of options.

We choose where to direct our attention and our efforts; there are a lot of options.

When I first recognized what a big deal the simple value of ‘consideration’ is for me, I went looking for a properly clear definition, something more nuanced and detailed than ‘to consider’. Of my Big 5, ‘consideration’ is the most poorly defined in both common use and in the dictionary, which seems strange since I have the subjective sense that I understand precisely what I mean by ‘consideration’, myself. The simplest definition seems to be “thoughtfulness and sensitivity towards others” (at least in the area of meaning I intend to focus on; like many American English words, it is a multi-purpose word).  This seems more or less what I mean by it, too, inasmuch as ‘careful’ might mean ‘with care’; it’s true enough, it’s accurate, it just isn’t quite the whole of the meaning I find within my own understanding.

So, what do I mean that is more than “thoughtfulness and sensitivity toward others”? Maybe an order of magnitude more, rather than a real difference in meaning in an additive or subtractive way, I suppose; consideration seems a bit of an ‘old school’ value that limits allowable public rudeness and casual disregard of one’s fellow traveler’s on life’s journey. Embracing consideration as a personal value means really giving up a seat on the train for someone who appears to need it – and maybe not more than I do, but just needs it on a day I know I can stand awhile longer. It means taking a moment to listen to the check out girl chatting with me, and really hearing what she is saying, however busy and rushed I am, because she’s a human being and worth of a moment of my time and attention; her words matter, too. It means setting aside my writing on an autumn morning when I feel rather urgently that I have something to say, because my partner wants to hang out and our time together is precious and limited, and words keep.

Consideration is that ‘extra mile’ people talk about going. It’s the pause before an irritated comment. It’s the hug goodnight when I’m still angry. Consideration is about the small stuff: cleaning the espresso machine before anyone else makes coffee, without bitching about the mess someone else left behind, or taking a moment to toss expired stuff into the trash that I notice lurking in the fridge. Consideration is sharing a relevant news article on a busy day and letting it go at that, because it is a busy day and no one has time for chit-chat over email. Consideration is thinking just for a moment about needs beyond my own, and taking the time to do one or two helpful things to keep things on track, and comfortably so, for everyone I interact with – not because I have to, and not because it is expected, but because it is kind, compassionate, and can generally be done fairly easily with minimal effort beyond that moment of awareness that some small action, intent, or communication* would be a value add.

I am not the most considerate human being I’ve ever met. I noticed at some point a few years ago how incredibly inconsiderate I did happen to be, every day, in every relationship I had – both personal and professional. It was… callous. The time and effort I may have thought I could be saving by not taking a moment to consider the other person didn’t contribute any increase in my own well-being, happiness, emotional balance, productivity, good times, prosperity, or even minutes of precious time to use for me. It adds nothing to be inconsiderate. Once I figured out that there was no value in the lack of consideration (neither to myself, nor to the world) changing it became relevant and to me, personally, quite necessary. I’m still working on it. Learning to be aware of the experience of others. Learning to act on that awareness in an appropriate way. It sometimes feels a bit complicated; there is a lot to notice. The word itself tends to be my guidepost, and my map. “Considerate”. Consider it.

When I miss, I try again.

Today is a good day to consider that we’re all in this together, each having our own experience. We all value being heard. We all value a moment of consideration. Today is a good day to practice treating myself, and the world, truly well. Consideration is a good place to start. Today is a good day to change the world.

*A footnote this morning, and an interesting coincidence; I was enjoying conversation and espresso with my traveling partner before I head to work, and he shared an article with me. Why am I taking time to add this footnote, and this link? I’m adding it because it is relevant, or seems so to me, to this morning’s post on Consideration as a value; each of the individual intimacy impeding conversation stoppers discussed in the article could be resolved, eased, addressed,  or done away with entirely through well-applied, and consistently practiced consideration of one’s loves. Just saying. If nothing else, the article is to-the-point and very clear in spelling out some critical fails in relationship dialogues that I know I, myself, will be working on most diligently – love is too important to fail on the stuff that is easy to change. 🙂

I woke early. Very early. “Too” early. I woke in pain, although it’s “just” my arthritis; however much pain I am in, I’m reluctant to make a big deal about it (or generally, even to mention it aloud), because it is such a constant presence in my autumn-winter experience. Life isn’t easily enjoyed as a test of endurance…at least…I don’t find it so, myself. I woke, and went from waking to moving gently through a yoga sequence that improves my flexibility and reduces my pain somewhat. My consciousness settled early on a moment of ire from the day before; it takes an effort of will to disengage to and move on thoughts of things that have positive value for me. Note that I didn’t say the troubling moment was unimportant or insignificant. Deceit, inconsiderate treatment, risky behavior, and disregarding explicit boundaries set and agreed to in shared conversation are all things that I find ‘significant’ – in a negative way – and ‘important’ inasmuch as disregarding those sorts of things generally has later consequences; I’m not interested in investing my emotional bandwidth or precious mortal time on a quiet morning in deep contemplation of circumstances or experiences that were hurtful, or negatively affected me. It’s not necessary. I know my values. I know my feelings on the circumstances that irk me (see? said it right there – I’m ‘irked’. lol). I don’t need to know more at present. I may consider the matter more at some other time, but for now… I won’t.

I also won’t dwell on the pain I’m in, although I’ve learned that attempting to truly ‘ignore it’ tends to push it to the forefront of my consciousness, where compassionate awareness, and taking care of me in a considerate and kind way tends to allow it to reduce more or less into the tolerable background of everyday life. That’s a vast improvement over fretting and obsessing on it, until I am near tears from being unable to escape it. We create a lot of our experience through choices and small acts of will we are not mindful of. I’ve been studying, and I have yet to find any support to the idea that the entirety of our experience is external and visited upon us. It just isn’t so; a great deal of what I used to understand as being ‘on the outside’ turns out to be, in a clearly demonstrable and simple way, quite entirely on the inside. We create who we are through our thoughts and action – our choices determine so much of who we are, sure, but beyond that – our choices also create the very world we live in. Sometimes it is as simple and obvious as legislation…sometimes it is insidious, a byproduct of disordered thinking, poor decision-making, and projecting our own internal narrative on our understanding of the world, in lieu of awareness and observation. I make a point of double-checking – reality checking, really – my view of the world around me in moments escalating toward stress, panic, rage, or sorrow. I’m stunned how often my view of things is really just my view of things, and nothing more.  I’ve learned that changing my view is often simply a matter of looking at something else – and not just metaphorically speaking, often quite literally a matter of pointing my eye holes at some other object, another horizon, a different perspective, and observing that changed view, mindfully, aware, and open to observing, only. It’s quite a lovely bit of soulful ‘magic’ that has turned around my mood more than once. (All those sky photographs? Not a coincidence; that’s me, taking ‘things are looking up’ quite literally.)

Exploring the words with actions; things are looking up.

Exploring the words with actions; things are looking up.

So. Awake early. In pain. Hot coffee. The usual, right? Less so than some mornings, actually, but I am exerting my will – and my won’t (lol) to move in a positive direction as much as possible. I can’t emphasize enough how important my physical experience can be for managing my mood; when I hurt, and don’t find a way to alleviate that pain, I am quickly at risk of being in a pretty sour mood, and prone to anger and irritability. That even makes sense; pain hurts. I have less difficulty with all the other bits of my experience if I take steps to manage my pain effectively. I am learning not to take on emotional matters, or potentially confrontational conversations, when I am in pain. It’s not fair to me, to the other people involved, or to the achievement of a desired outcome to filter everything through an experience of pain; it colors my experience in a pretty profoundly negative way.

Perspective matters.

Perspective matters.

Back to the positive pieces of morning, then? Sure. 🙂 It’s Friday, and the morning holds the promise of every new day; the potential is as yet unlimited, and the opportunities are many. There are choices to be made for later, the weekend to consider (according to my calendar I lost my mind and didn’t plan anything at all – so unlike me), the evenings, the mornings, the days… there’s an exhibit at the art museum I’d like to see, and I haven’t been to the big farmer’s market downtown in a while. There’s laundry to do; weekends are all about the laundry. lol I find myself smiling, and the pain isn’t so bad this morning…the familiar nausea of morning medications, and the sweating and trembling of an unexpected hot flash don’t seem worth more than a moment of awareness and then moving on. Other levels of cognition slowly come online as I become more awake, and in the background I find I am quietly listing things I intend to get done today or in the upcoming imminent future, checking off things I’ve already done with some satisfaction; I nearly always add things to lists that are relevant but also already completed, because I enjoy the momentary sense of accomplishment, and the reminder of how much I do get done. 🙂 It’s a very positively reinforcing practice. That’s one of the coolest things about adulthood, too; I get to make my own rules about most things in my experience. I choose my behavior. I choose what I like and what I enjoy. I choose what I will not stand for. I choose what matters to me. I choose what I will… and what I won’t. It’s a bit deceptive, as human beings, to go around on the assumption that legislation actually regulates behavior – it doesn’t; our choices do. We even choose whether to comply with laws, traditions, cultural norms. All choices. We choose consideration or callousness. We choose kindness or cruelty. We choose openness, or we choose otherwise. We choose what to focus on first thing in the morning. 🙂

Mindful awareness, and observing without judgement, reveals so much.

Mindful awareness, and observing without judgement, reveals so much.

When was the last time you paused for a moment to consider how amazing it is that you even exist at all? Today is a good day for that. Perhaps it’s been awhile since you have been treated with real kindness? There are a lot of people feeling that way, I bet. Today is a good day to be kind, too. Today is also a good day to respect people’s boundaries, to be considerate of the needs of others, and to set clear expectations explicitly; even if they are not honored by others, I find I do myself a significant service to respect my own boundaries enough to state them clearly. It’s a lovely morning to pause and observe the sunrise; we are mortal, and will see a finite number of sunrises in our human lifetime. Today is a good day to be mindfully aware of each small pleasant detail, and to linger over pleasant sensations and ideas. Today is a good day to breath deeply the fresh autumn air [geographical location probably matters a great deal on that one!]. Today is a good day to remember that however irksome the behavior of others, they too are human, and having their own experience; we each have a choice in whether we participate in a shared experience, or walk on. Today is a good day to switch things up a bit, to be daring and adventurous, to be willing to trust myself, and recognize that I know me, better than anyone else can. Today is a good day to change the world.

 

Yesterday was…difficult. Every boundary I have in the work place was stomped on. Every inconvenient moment was as inconvenient as seemed possible. Things broke. Things went wrong. Timing was poor. Sometime shortly after 2pm, the day took a hard right turn toward being a totally shitty experience, and it was downhill from there. Looking back I can see how much pain had to say about how the day went; I was off my meds. :-\  Not on purpose, let me be clear about that, it was mischance that led to me missing my afternoon painkiller, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. As I got further and further from the last helpful moment provided by my morning medication my mood got worse. I didn’t really make the connection between my shitty mood, my challenging experience, and the lack of pain relief until I was almost home in the evening. I might have behaved differently if I had.

Thankfully, new practices aplenty did actually work – although in the moment I wasn’t necessarily certain of that, or appreciative; I felt taxed, overburdened, and aggravated and couldn’t see much past those feelings. I alerted my partners before I got home that I was in a state. They were careful with me when I got home. I took my medication, managed needed calories, shared hugs and some quiet conversation, and took care of me. The evening ended well – no tantrum, no tirade of bitter invective, no total loss of inhibition resulting in vile things being said that just didn’t need speaking… it was a fairly ordinary quiet night, each of us involved in our own experience, gentle on each other. I call it a success, after the fact, regardless how it felt in the moment. 🙂

We view "reality" through the veil of our own experience, our thoughts, our very individual understanding of what we see.

We view “reality” through the veil of our own experience, our thoughts, our very individual understanding of what we see.

I slept well, woke to the alarm, and feel okay this morning. I am sometimes both irritated and astonished at how much my physical experience weighs in on my emotional life: well-managed blood sugar, medication, pain management, enough sleep, good hygiene, regular exercise, a satisfying sex life… these things may very well have more to do with my general emotional climate than any moment of my life, however delightful or traumatic, actually has long-term. That seems odd to me, and worth being mindful of.

In the background I’m fussing with something that bothers me; it’s a small thing. I shared something emotionally relevant with a partner…and wasn’t heard. Or didn’t feel heard. I said words, and the reply clearly indicated a lack of understanding of the significance of what I shared, to me. Trying to explain started things down a difficult path, so I let it drop; few things are less pleasant than romantic tension over something that feels incredibly powerfully positive. lol. Not worth it. Still, my brain returns to the moment again and again, wondering how it is that the significance – or at least some appreciation of the observation, if not actual understanding – was so easily missed. It left me feeling somewhat disconnected from my partner in the moment. I am often surprised at the subtle differences in what I value and understand as valuable, and what others around me find similarly worthy. Still…it was only a moment.

It’s another day. A new one. Today is a day that holds all the potential of any day. Today is a day open to possibilities and filled with opportunity. Today is a day when a smile really matters, and a vote counts. Today is a day to speak simple truths, and recognize that whether someone is listening isn’t relevant to what is spoken, itself. Today is a day to listen carefully. Today… is a good day.