Archives for category: Free Will
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Level Up!

October 11, 2013 //
0

Today is very chill and lovely so far. Calm. Quiet.

In fact, there’s a lot of that, lately, in my individual experience. It’s a nice change from a lifetime of internal turmoil. Much of it is the result of applying intellect and will to studies that actually have the potential to get that result in the first place;  turning my attention away from analysis and introspection, and turning it toward mindfulness, observation, and meditation.  A lot of it is the result of new skills, new understanding of self, of others, of key concepts – like ‘taking care of me’, consent, and compassion. Some of it is simply allowing wounds to heal at all, rather than continuously picking at the scars and constantly inflicting new trauma on myself by way of OPD (Other People’s Drama) and the media-focus on shock and alarm.

I am learning to set real boundaries that make sense for me, and to manage them and communicate them clearly.  I am learning which of my challenges are a byproduct of my brain injury, and which are a result of emotional trauma; child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence have all had their moment, and it can be a lot to sort out.  I am learning skills and tools that address my emotional and physical needs, and encourage and support real long term healing.

That all sounds amazing – feels amazing, too, when I take a moment to feel the progress, value it, and appreciate it. Mindful gratitude, and self-compassion get major points on the scorecard when I look at how much has changed over the past few months. So… time to ‘level up’!

Sometimes a high score is about more than a number.

Sometimes a high score is about more than a number.

Gamification is no joke, and it has certainly played an important role for me by applying it to both rehabilitation (to whatever extent that can be accomplished on a TBI that is decades old), and to clearing some odd emotional hurdles resulting from ancient pain, personal demons, and poor programming.  Healing and growing and becoming… it is a puzzles with many pieces.

Here it is Friday. The household begins to wake. Soon the quiet will be replaced with love, and conversation, and the activities of the day.  Today, I will select my tools with care, and share my heart fearlessly with my loves.  Today I will change my world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

Restless Nights, Contented Days

October 8, 2013 //
5

Another strangely restless night, although I woke feeling refreshed and calm when it was done. Three days of disturbed sleep, now – or is it four? Why am I counting? Had I slept deeply and well for so long that this really seems… unusual? Wow. That’s an interesting way to reflect on real progress, growth, and change. lol.

This morning I don’t have much to say. I’ve a nice cup of coffee, not the best beans – so not the best brew. I’m satisfied with it, nonetheless. It doesn’t take that much this morning; I am content.

Rather than type a thousand words, I’ll share some pictures this morning and hope they carry something of value into your day. 😀

The last of the autumn roses, at dawn.

The last of the autumn roses, at dawn.

Down the road, across the field, along the way; here, too, autumn.

Down the road, across the field, along the way; here, too, autumn.

Autumn in suburban treetops.

Autumn in suburban treetops.

Autumn is my favorite season. It isn’t just the colors as the leaves change, it is something about the quality of light, the scents in the air, the feel of morning fog, and afternoon sunshine, a difference in the way the rain falls – or is it something else? I only know it is my favorite, and here I am with another autumn day ahead of me, filled with potential.

Today I will enjoy the joy I feel without reservations or fear that someone will come along and ‘take it all away’.

 

 

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

Very Few Words

October 2, 2013 //
2

This quiet morning I am a woman of few words.  My busy mind is momentarily quieted with meditation, and I’ve got a good latte in front of me, and imminent dawn to contemplate as day breaks.

A new book, Buddhist Boot Camp, arrived in the mail yesterday.  So far, I’m delighted with it.  It is already on my fairly short list of books that have made a difference to me. Books I love are numerous, but the books that have mattered, that have helped me on my path, that have been tools more than entertainment are quite few in number.  I’ve mentioned several of them, and they amount to my ‘recommended reading list’ for getting from “I hate where I am” to “I am going somewhere new and I enjoy who I am becoming along the way”.  Are you a little curious?

Here they are, as of today, in the order I read them:

  • Your Greatest Power by Jack Martin Kohe*
  • The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
  • Success by Heidi Grant Halvorson
  • The Five Elements of Effective Thinking by Edward B Burger, and Michael Starbird
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
  • Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn
  • Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe**
  • Buddhist Boot Camp by Timber Hawkeye

Are there other books I would recommend? Sure, if someone asked; it would depend on what they said they are looking for, or where they are headed, or perhaps what sort of day it was at the time. I love books. I have read many. I enjoy the feel of a bound book in my hands, and the gift of knowledge, wisdom, or story telling from some other mind, in some other place and time, so carefully preserved for me. 😀 These are just books that from where I stand now, appear to have been key to getting to this point, and since I like this point, they become meaningful, and important [to me].

*A note about Your Greatest Power: The first time I read this book I was fortunate enough to read it in a worn and dusty 1st edition (1953?).  It was 1981, I was young and it struck me that could be the most important thing I’d ever read. (I also recognized that I ‘wasn’t there yet’.)  Happenstance put that 1st edition, a different copy, in my hands in a dark moment that became a decision-making point many years later. Like many of the books in my list, there is an implied verb in using the contents of a book as a tool or catalyst for change. Every book in my list could entirely change someone’s life – anyone’s life – but it isn’t the book that makes the change. It is the choices. 😉

**To be fair, Andy Puddicombe, as a source of inspiration, actually belongs just after The Five Elements of Effective Thinking; it was his TED Talk that moved me in the direction of exploring mindfulness with intent and will, and that was just this very year. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Words

Twilight Observations

October 1, 2013 //
2

This morning started well, although I’m having serious challenges with my arthritis this fall.  The work day was productive, harmonious, and we ‘performed well to goal’, which probably matters to someone. I enjoyed the work, and that matters to me.  There were emotional challenges on the periphery that threatened to blow my smooth day, and somehow new tools were at the ready, and it was rather like reaching for a hammer to hang a  painting, and finding it precisely where I expect it to be, and in good working order. The right tools for the job proved to be effective, and today taking a few minutes for me, a couple deep breaths, a moment or two mindfully in the courtyard, actually felt quite natural.  For me, a good day.

Random photo from the WW WP 5k; mushrooms.

When conditions are right – growth.

It would be lovely, wouldn’t it, if every human being would pause, and just enjoy their ‘right now’ experience?  Seriously pause for serenity, for wholeness, for harmony – for what matters; to allow calm and wise to take the lead over righteous fervor and entitlement.  I’m actually not trying to be fanciful – I felt almost able to envision that state of things, in a moment of real chill, and it actually startled me out of meditation because for an instant it was a very visceral thing.  I make no effort to interpret the experience, justify it, or explain.  It was a lovely, if startling, moment.

Raindrops - sometimes beauty is a matter of taking a look from another perspective.

Raindrops – sometimes beauty is a matter of taking a look from another perspective.

Today I undertook a handful of tasks that needed to be done. Simple enough. That is the thing though – it was enough to do them, to appreciate the need, to experience and value the effort, and the skill, and the result.  No scorecard, no validation – this is new for me. I like recognition. I like hearing that I did something well.  Today, it just wasn’t about that, and I had no need for any further satisfaction than in completing my task well.

I’m tired now. It is evening. I’d like to say something profound, but many of life’s details at the moment are uncertainties and sorrows.  Funny… I realize, as I write those words, I am aware that some of the challenges I’ll be facing in the near future hold the potential for a lot of heart ache, and I’m not freaking out, I’m not tragically blue, I’m not devastated… This is my life. There have been, and there are going to be, some rough moments.  Resenting life, taking struggle personally, or lashing out at existence don’t enhance the experience or improve it. (Holy crap – am I ‘growing up’? lol. )

I’m okay. I’m tired. I hurt… it’s the end of one day. Tomorrow is another and with the sunrise I begin a whole new experience. So do you. I hope our tomorrow, and every tomorrow that follows, is a worthy experience. I hope each of our sorrows is followed by joy, tenfold.  I hope we choose our actions wisely, and treat each other well, and with kindness and compassion.  I hope our dreams are fanciful, and that we don’t lose our sense of humor in the struggle to find balance.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

All Too Human

September 30, 2013 //
4

This morning I woke feeling cross. I also woke with a nasty headache, and serious pain with my arthritis, too. I feel stiff. Hell, I’ll say it – I feel ‘old’. lol.  I’m not tired.  My morning coffee is just right. There is no element of the morning thus far that lacks harmony or a relaxed satisfying comfort.  I just hurt, and I’m cross.  Pain is enough to result in a less than pleasant mood, of course – so why does my brain go looking for more? lol  Yep. This morning’s feature attraction – The Brain Attack.

Once upon a time, and up to very recently, a morning like this one would have set me off on a path of frequent angry rants, tantrums about inconsequential or unimportant bits of circumstance, and on a hunt for insidious (and illusory) patterns of misconduct in other people’s everyday utterly innocent behavior.  It isn’t fun to participate in that sort of thing, and even when I suspected my Brain was misleading me, I struggled to put it to rest or ‘find my way out’.  Something has changed… or at least, something has potentially changed, somewhat.  This morning is different.

This morning, feeling how I felt, and being so cross, I made a point of focusing on me while I showered and dressed. Instead of just going through the motions and filing it away under ‘morning task completion’ and moving on, I slowed down and took my time with myself.  I practiced ‘staying engaged and connected’ with myself.  I hadn’t noticed before that I sometimes wander off in  my thinking to places unknown, leaving my emotions unattended.  (I’m sorry if that seems… hard to follow, or lacking clarity. I don’t understand what I did differently today fully, myself, and I’m trying to share before I have an understanding. lol)  Giving myself the respect of staying ‘in the moment’ with myself first thing actually felt really good.

Meditation, a delicious latte, and some time playing SuperBetter and I find myself in a very different place.  It seems too simple – is this all it takes? I’m not bitching.  Oh, I still hurt, but I’m not making myself miserable with self-deception in the form of brain attacks on my emotional balance, along with physical discomfort.  it’s nice.

This morning, I did things differently, and got a different outcome.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress
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