Archives for category: Frustration
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AITA?

November 10, 2023 //
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Probably. I’m for sure depressed, which is tending to make me definitely more an asshole than a sweet-tempered, good-hearted, kind and empathetic human being looking out for others and being considerate moment-to-moment. I do wish I’d recognized that I had become depressed before I had become an asshole. My results most definitely vary. The tools in my toolkit feel inadequate. This bit of emotional weather is rough. Stormy. Gray skies. Rain. It’s nasty.

I’m fortunate to have my Traveling Partner by my side, although I don’t like being yelled at over being an asshole. Once the conversation eventually got around to the whys and the wherefores, and recognition of my depression developed, for me and for him, we at least found some kind of equilibrium – a point of understanding to work from constructively. Helpful. Still unpleasant.

What I’m saying is this is a very human experience. I’m as human as anyone. The chaos and damage have won this round, but I’m still in the ring, still getting back up to go another round. Fuck depression. Fuck anxiety too. Fuck nightmares. Fuck sorrow and grief. Fuck trauma and lingering damage. All of this terrible shit is also so endlessly human. Will I be okay? Hell, I’m mostly okay now – I’m just struggling with a tremendous lot of “second arrow” suffering and yes, mental illness.

I breathe, relax. Drink water. Take my meds. Begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Frustration, grief, Hormone Hell, loneliness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, turning 60, War and News of War

Winging It

November 8, 2023 //
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I had planned to work from home today. I woke in such a completely offensive bad mood I couldn’t stick with that plan without willfully (and inconsiderately) exposing my Traveling Partner to my unpleasant state of mind. It made sense to take advantage of a commute to the city to (try to) sort myself out, and work in the office instead of dragging my shitty attitude around the house all day. I’m probably fortunate that the day is off to a relatively good start in spite of my nasty mood and this headache… I sip my coffee, already lukewarm and uninteresting, and let time pass without being too invested in what follows any given minute.

I woke early, although I had set my alarm a bit later than usual, figuring on the work-from-home thing, and planning to take a pleasant early morning walk, but when I woke it was from a bad dream, and as I said, I was in a foul mood (maybe because of the dream, maybe because my partner woke me early for some reason, maybe because headaches suck…? Does it matter at all?). It didn’t make sense to stick with a plan that had been made from a very different cognitive and emotional place.

Daybreak catches up with me at the office. I have a sense of time passing, moment by moment, and I sort of wish I’d stayed home, after all, but omg I am in such a shitty mood… I can’t see inflicting that on anyone else (especially not my beloved), and I’m alone here in the office until much later in the day, on a typical Wednesday. I sip my coffee. Drink some water. Remind myself to stay on top of my medication – pausing for a brief moment of irritation that that’s a thing I need to remind myself about at all. I snarl to myself about aging and how much that sucks.

My Traveling Partner was super chill about my last-minute fairly spontaneous pivot to working from the office today. (He made a point of saying he’d miss me…but I suspect if he knew the mood I’m in, that might not be the case. lol) I hope he has a pleasant day, relaxed and fun, doing whatever he likes; the whole point of getting the hell out of there before anything could go sideways was specifically to do what little I could in the moment to secure a pleasant day for us both. Or at least for him. I sigh outloud in this big quiet space. My back aches. My head aches. My sinuses are kind of stuffy. I’m cranky.

…Oh, hell… am I coming down with a cold or something…? I sure hope not, I’ve got shit to do…

I recall that I committed to taking out the recycling last night, and also to do the dishes today… but now I’m not there, and I find myself vexed by the whole mess far more than is necessary, or reasonable. I’m aggravated on a whole other level. Should I have paused to do those things before I left the house? Could I have done so without erupting in misdirected rage over… nothing? Could I have done so without making an infernal racket inappropriate to the early hour? I seethe over it for some minutes, not because it’s an appropriate response, or because it’s helpful, it’s just where my head is, this morning. I’m cross. I’m annoyed with shit. I’m… an unpleasant and unapproachable version of myself. At least for the moment.

I seek a distraction from my negative thinking. I think about my Traveling Partner, and the latest super cute prints from the new 3D printers – an adorable squad of Pikachu. He’d said something earlier about planning to give one of them to me (for my desktop “menagerie” of things). The thought delights me as much now as when he mentioned it earlier, and for a moment I’m smiling.

…I’ve still got this headache, though, and I’m still feeling super bitchy…

I fucking hate nightmares and feel about the same toward headaches. I sigh again, and sip my coffee, feeling that “it’s all rather pointless” – but without knowing what I mean by that. The bad mood? The pain I’m in? The gray skies beyond these windows? The work day ahead of me? My lingering recollection of my bad dream? I feel bleak, bitter, cynical, vexed, and disappointed with humanity. G’damn. lol It’s much.

…Perhaps a fresh (better) cup of coffee will improve my mood…?

Well, regardless what else I decide to do, I clearly need to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Frustration, health, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Everything is Harder Than It Looks

October 29, 2023 //
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It’s late in the afternoon, on a Sunday… one might even call it “early evening”. The light is beginning to fade after a sunny Autumn day. I’m home alone – a rare treat – and enjoying a few minutes with my feet up. I’d undertaken what seemed to be a pleasant afternoon of … “crafting”? I guess that’s a good word for it… I’ve got our Cricut moved into the studio to get started on holiday cards… once I learn the machine. My Traveling Partner had spent a couple days “tuning up” the 3D printer, and moments before he left for a thing he’s attending this evening, he tempted me to start a couple 3D prints “if I want to”. Let’s be clear; I don’t know 3D printing. I have barely mastered the basics of clicking the right buttons to start a print, how to keep an eye on the machine remotely, and how to gently remove a completed print and prepare the bed for the next one. So… my thoughts that I’d “make a couple cards”, finish the book I’m reading, and maybe watch a couple videos… yeah. Turned out those were some grand fucking plans even before the addition of a little 3D printing. LOL

…I slowed down, took things a thing at a time, and stayed patient with myself…

I spent some time trouble-shooting the blue tooth connection for the Cricut. This is a cool little cutting machine that is sometimes dismissed as a crafter’s tool, or something “easy”. I chuckled to myself at my own frustration; it’s too easy to assume something is easy because it’s small and cute and manageable-seeming. The Cricut Explore Air 2 sitting in my studio is a proper little CNC machine, just small, light-weight, and purpose-built for some craft-y things. It’s still a legit computer-controlled cutting machine. The software is still relatively complex, and there’s a learning curve. I am embracing the challenges, watching tutorials, trying things out. I’ve got a lot to learn.

Like a lot of things, it’s not as easy at it looks. lol

Similarly, the 3D printer is pretty amazing. I’m printing a selection of fun (flat) snowflakes that will become ornaments… maybe. LOL Here, too, there is a lot to learn before I can ever say I “know how to use the 3D printer”. So much to learn. The machine. The software.

It’s a snowflake. I needed the win. lol

…It’s tempting to oscillate between “fuck this” levels of frustration and foolish assumptions about how “easy” any this will be, with either of these machines… like it or not; there’s plenty to learn, and I am a long long way from “mastery”. I’m not even fighting it. I make mistakes, seek to understand where I went wrong, and go back to the tutorials. Distractions – even simple things like the laundry, or a delivery, or the other fucking machine, throw me off and it’s back to the beginning. Having a brain injury slows me down learning new things. I do my best to account for that. My original plan focused on just one of these machines; it would have been wise to stay on that path. LOL I planned wisely, and executed poorly.

…I got excited about new things and cool machines…

Still… I did get the Cricut connected (to my laptop). I am actually printing snowflakes on the 3D printer. I have made my first cuts with the Cricut (and promptly tossed those into the trashcan, because I definitely messed them up completely with commonplace dumb-ass-ery, and distractions) and tried a more successful piece of work using the Cricut to draw a complicated design onto card stock using fun gel pens, which satisfied me more than it probably should, since it is also … not quite right. lol

…And I’m almost done with the laundry…

It’s a good afternoon. Educational. Fun. Rewarding. Relaxing. Hilarious. None of my mistakes have done any damage or any harm, and the worst of them has resulted only in a bit of wasted craft material. The price I am paying for this “seminar” is being paid in wasted paper and well-spent time. lol I’m enjoying myself.

Now, it’s time for a cup of tea, and some quiet time letting what I’ve learned seep into my recollection for later. Soon enough it’ll be time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, The Art of Being

F-Off, I Just Hurt

October 17, 2023 //
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It’s evening. Even the memory of coffee has grown cold. The work day is behind me. I’ve got my feet up and I can hear my Traveling Partner laughing in the other room, probably talking or gaming with his son, online. It’s a “joyful noise”. I could be feeling pretty mellow, contented, and even merry right about now… but… I just hurt.

…I’m doing my best…

I’ve done what I can for pain management. I’m even managing not to weep, though tears threaten to fall at any minute. I managed to cook an evening meal. I managed to get through some work tasks I had committed to for my partner. I put in more effort than I expected I could. Now what’s left over is just the pain. It’s “just” my osteo-arthritis. It’s the time of year when I reliably wince and grumble about how it seems so much worse than I remember (it probably isn’t). There’s no yardstick or set of calipers for measuring pain. It’s very subjective. So. I hurt. I’d say… 7 out of 10? I’m definitely at “fuck-off-I-just-hurt-too-much-for-this”, for sure. I breathe. Exhale. Sort of relax. It doesn’t feel better to do that, just reminds me that I hurt from a different angle.

Soon I can make excuses and go to bed without feeling like… I don’t know. Like someone who goes to bed too early? I sigh out loud and feel stupid.

…I recently got excited to actually read Lord of the Rings. I never have, which is just the tiniest bit embarassing. Didn’t care for Tolkien’s writing style in high school. More of a Heinlein fan, myself, and a big reader of non-fiction, as well. I think I have tended toward lighter, “easier”, faster-paced fare as stories go… The works of Robert Heinlein… The Chronicles of Amber… The Elric Saga… The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant… Right now, though, I just hurt. 😦 I hurt so much I don’t even feel like reading. Crazy. I’m not tired either… well, not sleepy.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… fuck pain.

I just want to begin again.

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Categories autumn, breathe, Frustration, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, Sleepless Nights, turning 60

From Good to Bad to Worse to…

October 5, 2023 //
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Better. Things are somewhat better now than they were earlier. This one is 100% “a me thing”. Menopause. Emotions. Age and aging. Frustration. Just the basic slop of being human, female, over 60, and a big ol’ basket of broken shit and fragments and wreckage, emotionally speaking. Having a trauma history has got to be one of the most human of things, and it’s probably a rare individual who manages to make it past 50 without any hint of trauma. If we don’t experience legitimate damaging trauma, chances are we’d make some up. Also? I have a fucking headache. I woke up with it, hours ago… it’s with me still. Very human.

I took my headache to the store and bought goblin snacks for the upcoming holiday. Fun. Still have the headache. Drinking water. Relaxing. Doing my best. All the things.

There’s nothing much more to say about the shitty start to the day. I enjoyed a pleasant walk and then “crashed my hard drive” later – metaphorically. Wasn’t quite a tantrum. Could have been much worse. Wasn’t my best moment. Blech. Adulting is harder than it seems like it could be, sometimes.

I’ll just begin again, again.

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Frustration, grief, health, Hormone Hell, Menopause, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, turning 60
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