I spent my walk this morning mostly thinking about my upcoming camping trip, packing the car in my head. Take this? Take that? What about this piece of gear instead of that one? Can I carry all of this down the trail to my campsite? How many trips will it take to make that work?
… My reserved site is 1/2 mile from the parking. lol I’m 62, not as fit as I’d like to be, and I’ve got some mobility limitations that will require me to walk the trail with my cane in one hand, reducing the amount of gear I can realistically carry in any single trip down that trail reliably…
It’s like an elaborate puzzle every time I camp. New location, new site, new scenario. I noticed my face hurting as I walked with my thoughts. It hurt from smiling so hard. I look forward to the planning puzzle almost as much as I look forward to the actual camping. π
The cloudy cool morning reminds me to pack a cold weather layer in case of cooler than forecasted weather.
I go over my list in my head again, testing my memory for the details and trying to catch myself overlooking an important piece of gear. I laugh off items I have reliably packed in the past, and reliably never needed. As the years wear on, I am more mindful of my physical limitations and inclined to pack with greater care, and also to avoid over-packing; I don’t need to bring what I know I can’t carry.
… Knowledge is having a detailed awareness of the gear available to me. Wisdom is not taking a heavy solar powered refrigerator on a trip that requires a long walk to the campsite. π …
I’m not sharing these thoughts because you need them for a camping trip. It’s more that the basic “lessons” apply to other situations that are similar in some way. There’s a metaphor buried in this casual sharing. Real life can get really real, and being prepared is helpful. Being over prepared potentially not so much, it could just be more to carry, and a waste of resources or intention. How we visualize upcoming events can be a helpful means of preparing, or an impediment that sets us up for failure by inflating our sense of capacity and ability, or by blowing our anxiety and our concerns out of proportion to the anticipated events. I try to be realistic, but also very positive and encouraging. I think of favorite anime characters overcoming great obstacles and growing stronger and seek to do so myself on a somewhat smaller (less fantastical) scale in my own life.
I grin to myself as I change my boots for soft shoes after my walk. Comfort matters, too. Reality is not what we remember, nor what we imagine; it is what it is. I laugh at myself; however skillful my planning and preparation for a camping trip is, I nearly always forget something. All this planning ideally results in whatever I end up forgetting having very little importance. π That’s a great outcome! I went out once having forgotten my bee sting kit (and there were bees) and my coffee (and omg are you fucking kidding me??) and ended my trip early over it. No coffee?! No camping. Non-negotiable, I know my limits. LOL
I look out across the meadow. Nice morning. I look over my shopping list, inhale, exhale, and relax, sighing deeply. Contentment feels good. Still, the clock is ticking, and it’s time to begin again.
I’m sipping my coffee in that pleasant space between finishing the budgeting for this pay period and digging into the work of the day. There’s a cloudy sky beyond the window of the office, and the morning termperatures are cooler than they have been – of course; I’ve got a camping trip planned, so obviously the weather will turn chilly and possibly rainy. LOL
A moment of celebration, love, and delight; delicious, and worth savoring.
I smile every time I think about my birthday. What a lovely day, and in every regard thoroughly satisfying. Oh sure, more money/youthful energy/time perhaps it could have been more elaborate in some way, or involved other activities, but frankly the day’s simplicity and very high “chill factor” made for a completely delightful experience that met my needs. I feel loved and appreciated and celebrated. It’s a pleasant feeling, and I sit with the recollections, savoring them and sipping my coffee. 62, eh? So far, so good. I certainly feel more prepared to handle adult life and challenges than I did at 21. Or… 30, 40, 45, 50… I am, as they say, “a work in progress”. The profound value of incremental change over time is that it is a reliable path forward toward other (better?) things. I am more the woman I most want to be than I was in any prior year, and I keep making progress as a human being, learning and growing – and practicing.
I’ve learned some things over time, and I’ll share them (though I suspect we’ve all got to learn things our own way, and walk our own hard mile, regardless how much wisdom or knowledge may be available at our fingertips). I’ve learned that:
there is no rational justification for genocide, ever.
governments wage war because war is profitable.
human beings will persist in confusing anecdotes with data and can be easily mislead.
some people prefer to bitch about crap they could easily change rather than do the work to change it.
it is possible to find joy amidst chaos and tragedy.
change is, and although it can’t be prevented or avoided, it can be embraced and guided.
terrible hateful people walk among us, and they look like everyone else.
it’s very hard to be angry and grateful at the same time.
we can each choose our own path.
there’s always more work to do, and it is important to take breaks, and rest.
no one “makes it” on their own.
we can choose what we fill our thoughts with.
character and ethics matter, a lot.
if your only argument is name-calling or personal attacks, you have lost that argument (whether you accept that or not).
when “choosing sides” it is important to be clear about what the side you choose actually stands for.
critical thinking takes more work than most people are willing to do.
most of the things in life we stress out over aren’t actually worth that amount of emotional energy.
sometimes the “easiest” path requires the most work.
we become what we practice.
It’s not much. Certainly I’ve learned more, other, things – or – maybe I haven’t? Sometimes some lesson I thought I’d learned comes back to bite me because I had not truly put what I thought I learned into practice, reliably. Words are easy. Deeds…? That gets more complicated, doesn’t it? I feel my smile take a somewhat cynical twist, and sip my coffee. Life is a strange journey without a map, toward a destination we don’t necessarily choose with our eyes open (or recognize when we approach it). It’s a bit like seeing a funhouse mirror suddenly snap into a very clear focused reflection when I find myself very clear on some detail that had previously eluded me. My results often vary, and there are so many verbs involved…
The site I reserved for my upcoming camping trip, from the perspective of a moment in time 10 years ago.
It hits me in a moment what I really want out of my camping trip next week; time with my thoughts. I don’t really feel inspired to paint (yet), or even to take photographs (though I know I will). I want quiet solitary time with my thoughts, and a pen and some paper. lol Very low-tech, no fancy techniques, tools, or apps required; I want to walk trails, and watch clouds, and meditate. I want to breathe the Spring-becoming-Summer air, and take a closer look at the moss, the lichen, and the wildflowers. I want to sit quietly watching a braver than average small creature approaching me slowly with curiosity. I want to feel the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders because for a little while it will have nothing whatsoever to do with me. I want to “give my soul a rest” from the chaos of the world. I want to miss my Traveling Partner, because through missing him I discover again how deeply immersed in this love I really am. I want to unplug from the rest of the world and reconnect with my own deepest inner self. I sip my coffee and laugh to myself – seems clear enough. Now I’ve just got to do the verbs. lol
The clock ticks on. 62 now, and for the next 364 days to come. I hope I make good use of my time. I hope I live well and wisely, and love deeply. It’s time to get started on another year of living. It’s time to begin again.
I slept in this morning, still waking quite early, but not early enough to catch the sunrise. I headed down the trail inhaling the sweet Spring-Summer air deeply; it smells of flowers, and vaguely of too-sweet breakfast cereal, which seems strange but not unpleasant.
The morning of a new day.
There are multitudes of goldfinches (or, perhaps, lesser goldfinches, I’m not certain) flitting about in the taller grass that separates the edge of the manicured park space from the vineyards adjacent to it. I try several times to photograph them, but they are much too quick for me.
What life reveals is often a matter of where we put our attention.
Since I can’t get a picture of the little birds this morning, I take pictures of the thistles blooming. I’m not disappointed or dissatisfied, each are interesting in their own ways. I listen to the little birds singing and chirping. The morning chill seeps through my sweater while I enjoy a moment at the side of the trail. It is my birthday, and this is how I am choosing to begin it, with the healthy practice of a bit of walking and self-reflection. It’s a lovely morning for it.
A moment well-spent.
I don’t know what today holds. I try to remember if I have “things to do” but my mind veers away from such practical matters in favor of birthday thoughts. Presents later. Cake too. Pizza for dinner maybe? Something different? I’m relatively easy to please, birthday-wise, more than anything else I just want the day to be mine, doing things I enjoy in the company I choose, and letting all of the hard work of life wait for another moment. π The things it takes to delight me are not complicated and I still have an unspoiled childlike joy about birthdays.
I smile at the sunshine. I’m glad I took the day off from work. I hear a farm truck rattle past somewhere relatively close by. I already miss my Traveling Partner, and I’d really like a cup of coffee. lol I’m reluctant to disturb the little birds who have gathered around me in nearby grass and thistles, but there’s no coffee here and I’m beginning to feel chilly. I get to my feet and look down the trail. Seems like a good beginning for a new year. I wonder what 62 will be about? It’s definitely time to begin again.
I drove to the office this morning, watching the sun rise, and happily singing a fairly dreadful rendition of Three Dog Night “One is the Loneliest Number“, not for any particular reason, it was just in my head. I felt merry and at ease, and traffic was light. Lovely morning for a drive. Mt Hood was a soft mauve silhouetted against the pastel peaches and pinks of the dawn sky as the sun peaked over the horizon, a vivid firey orange. It feels like another hot day, and the forecast agrees.
Yesterday was lovely. I didn’t do much in the way of activities or chores or errand running, I just relaxed at home, watched a couple videos, and read the new cookbook my beloved Traveling Partner had given me as an early birthday gift some days ago. My Traveling Partner is correct when he observes that I rarely manage to sit through and enjoy an entire video I’ve selected, due to hopping up to help him out or handle some needful detail immediately when mentioned (otherwise I may forget all about it), and it is sometimes an impediment to really getting to relax and recharge. Yesterday, I even indulged a favorite personal preference in the world of online video content; a real-time walk someone took video of, through a place I’ll likely never visit. It was a walk through a famous buddhist site in Japan – no music, no chatter, no ads, just the walk through a beautiful space. Restful and inspiring, it was a relaxed and peaceful interlude to spend with myself (and for a little while, until he got bored with it, shared with my Traveling Partner; he definitely prefers a somewhat faster “pace” to life, and wandered off to do his own thing before the (long) walk ended). I enjoyed it enough for the time to be memorable.
Yesterday was “enough”. Most days are, actually. That nagging sense of striving and seeking and trying and struggling and working to reach some seemingly unreachable goal for some vaguely defined purpose that seems so unrelenting and commonplace is largely self-imposed. Meaning to say it’s something we willfully put ourselves through. I can let that go. (So can you.) Just because I don’t have something, or haven’t lived some particular experience, or achieved some point of success envied by others doesn’t mean I need that for myself. Like… not at all. I may not even want that thing for me, myself, if I take a moment to think it over. Sure, a new car might be nice… but I don’t actually need one. A bigger house on more land? Sure, there’d be more room to spread out, more room for storage, more room for this or that feature in life, more room for shop space, maybe more land for gardening, and even for chickens… that all sounds delightful, and I certainly would not mind. Hell, I’d embrace it (it would be ever so much less effort than managing things in this smaller space). It would be nice. But… It’s not necessary for most values of necessary. New clothes? Nice to have, but not necessary. Another rose bush? Another raised garden bed? Luxuries. Quiet days solo on the coast in some lovely beachfront hotel? We’re definitely talking pleasantly unnecessary now, aren’t we? It’s sometimes hard to discern the difference between “nice to have” and “necessary”. (Sometimes it’s pretty easy given adequate honest self-reflection.) How hard are you willing to drive yourself for the things you think you have to have in life? How much easier could life be if you only put that much pressure on yourself for things that are truly earnestly urgently actually necessary for your healthy survival, and leaving the rest mostly to chance, reliant on your wise decision-making generally, and skillful use of personal resources day-to-day and good planning?
What does “enough” look like?
I’m just saying, I guess, greed isn’t a good look, and it’s not a healthy character quality. I work a lot to let that shit go, and to cultivate a sense of sufficiency and contentment in my life. (Not past tense, I actively work on it.) I have what I need, generally. There are things I’d like to have or achieve, but when I’m being very honest with myself, they’re nearly all lavish extras that I don’t actually require to live a good life. It’s human to want more, better, and extra. It’s human to want to go and do and be. Ambition and aspiration are part of what we are, as human primates and thinking reasoning beings. On the other hand, discontent and dissatisfaction and greed are also part of our very human struggle to be and become, and these tend to foster a lot of unpleasantness, anxiety, frustration, sorrow, and struggle. I try to balance any yearnings for things I don’t have or have not achieved with frank reflection on (and gratitude for) those things I do have, that I have achieved, and that I am fortunate to enjoy day-to-day. The result of this practice is that I’m generally contented much of the time now, and comfortably able to enjoy my life as it is, and appreciate how good it does tend to be. It’s human to want, it’s human to struggle – it’s a better experience to find a sense of sufficiency to rest in. It’s a practice, and there are verbs involved. (And no one can do this work for you; you’ve got to walk your own path.) No overnight results, but it has been very much worth the effort. I’m able to say I’m happier for it.
…It’d still be nice to have a bigger house, with a larger bit of land under it (I do truly love my little house and I am happy here)…
I enjoy the roses blooming in my garden – there are still weeds to pull and work to be done, no getting around it.
I sip my coffee and smile quietly to myself. I am grateful to be in such a good place in life that seeking and cultivating a sense of sufficiency is something I have time for; this too is a bit of a luxury. (When we’re mired in struggle perspective can feel quite out of reach and seeking it may feel like a drain on our resources we can’t easily afford.) What is “enough”? Is it different for everyone? Is there some definition of sufficiency that is reliably true for every individual everywhere? What would that look like? Would it be a reasonable practical goal to ensure every human being has that minimum quality of life? What would that look like? Would I be content with the same “enough” that everyone else around me has, or would I find myself yearning for more? What about you? Do you “have enough” in life? What necessities are missing? If you do have “everything you need”, what are you still yearning for? Are you on the path that takes you there? Are you even willing to walk that path? Just thoughts I’m thinking over my morning coffee as the golden summer sun shines through the trees beyond the window of this office.
…If I were to change jobs, the view would change – would my thoughts on sufficiency change with my point of view, or my income?
Time spent in the garden isn’t always about labor.
I smile and think about my garden. I got way less done than I’d hoped to this past weekend. Turned out I needed something different in the way of self-care. I needed relaxed lazy time reading books and napping, and laughing with my partner. I needed healthy rest and easy-going companionship. I needed icy delicious strawberry granita made on a whim. I needed take out on a hot night instead of cooking in a hot kitchen. I needed to put my feet up, even though I also needed to get laundry done. I mostly did just those tasks that were required, and the rest of my time I spent on comfort and leisure, a rare treat in a busy life. I’m grateful I have that choice.
Life’s Strange Diner has a big menu, but it isn’t really possible to sample everything on it, however rich or fortunate any one person happens to be. We’re human, and live finite human lives. The clock is ticking, and there are choices and verbs involved. We can only do or carry so much. We can begin again, if we find we’ve fallen, or feel we’re on the wrong path, but we’ve got to do that work for ourselves, and each one of us has our own limits and limitations to deal with. It is an interestingly varied experience, this human journey. I imagine the menu in any diner, on any summer morning, and wonder what I might choose differently in this moment, given time to reflect on where this path leads, and what I really need in life? We can’t choose differently then, but we can choose differently now – what gets us “there”? Where does this path lead? The clock is ticking. What will I choose? Isn’t it time to begin again?
I drove to the office with a love song in my head. Sweet, endearing, lingering in my memory as a recollection of a time when I yearned for the sort of love I enjoy right now – although back then I didn’t actually believe such love existed at all (it was just that far outside of my own experience of life and the world). I get to the office, pour some coffee, and put on my playlist of “silly love songs” to coast into the new day. (Every song on this list is deeply meaningful to me in some way, with regard to love and loving, but admittedly, some of my choices may not make sense to anyone else – it’s not about that, though, is it?) My reflection smiles back at me in the window. The morning sky is gray and threatening rain. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a lovely morning anyway.
I woke from a deep sound sleep this morning, with serious thoughts still occupying my consciousness, left behind by my dreams. Something about choosing to be less negative, as a means of improving my quality of life, and sharing that thought somehow with those dear ones in my life who are reflexively deeply negative without really giving any thought to how that colors their experience over time. You know the sort, I’m sure (hell, maybe you are that sort – I once was, myself)? I’m talking about the folks whose humor is mostly pretty dark, often very sarcastic, sometimes self-deprecatory in a somewhat disturbing way to listen to? The folks who seem to complain at least a little bit about almost every experience they have? The ones who say “no” or reject ideas before an idea can be fully presented or a sentence completed? Yeah. “Those” people – the chronically negative buzzkills in our lives, who likely mean well, and may even think they are being “realistic” or humorous… How best to communicate to these people that the negativity they embrace with such firm commitment is not only a noteworthy “bring down” in any group (and potentially not as amusing as they may think), but potentially also the actual key to why they feel the way they do in the first place?
…I definitely get tired of chronic bitching almost immediately, and sarcastic “humor” and bitterness unleavened by real joy in life is exhausting to deal with…
What you plant in your garden determines what you harvest, but you’ve still got to pull the weeds.
I smile, listening to the love songs on my playlist – it’s hard to be annoyed while also wrapped in love. I sip my coffee and make room for gratitude; I’m fortunate to be so well loved, and to enjoy the opportunity to love so deeply in return. No doubt that colors my thinking. Certainly, becoming a more positive person generally (at least for me) followed falling in love with this singular human being who is now my beloved Traveling Partner. Sometimes it almost feels like that was some kind of shortcut or cheat code, but when I’m honest with myself, there was a fucking ton of work, and verbs, and practice of practices that also followed the beginning of this relationship – and those things could have been done, and occurred, and created the profound benefits that they did, without regard to being in love. They were choices. That the inspiration to make those choices was this profoundly deep emotion is mostly coincidental (although I wouldn’t change it for all the billions in the world). It’s doable without falling in love.
Bitter is not one of the flavors of Love.
How does one make a change from chronic bitterness and negativity to becoming a pretty positive and upbeat person day-to-day? Are there some “simple steps to being happy” that are being withheld from common knowledge? I don’t even know the answer to that question – I just know what steps I took, myself. Happy to share, I hope this is useful for you in some small way.
If you need therapy, get therapy. How will you know? If you’re chronically miserable, you probably need therapy. If people around you are regularly suggesting therapy, or asking if you’re in therapy, or inquiring about your mental health and whether you’re okay, you may benefit from therapy. Just saying; sometimes we can’t make our journey alone.
Be selective about the practices you practice. We become what we practice. If you practice chronic negativity, bitterness, sarcasm, that’s what you become, and what you fill your life with.
Put your own self-care high on your list of things to do, every day.
Be choosy about your media consumption – what you fill your head with will determine (often) what the content of your thoughts will likely be.
Consider some sort of contemplative practice (like meditation) – make time in your day to “hear yourself think”.
Embrace small joys and celebrate small wins. It just feels good – a lot better than feeling annoyed, disappointed, or bitter.
Practice non-attachment. Clinging to expectations and assumptions is a fast track to being discontent and disappointed.
Do good. Another way to feel good about life, is to contribute to the good in life.
Live! Embrace change. Explore uncertainty. Try new experiences. Learn new things. Walk unfamiliar paths. The menu of The Strange Diner is vast – look it over.
Life is too brief. Don’t waste precious limited mortal moments on pointless performative negativity. Live authentically – and enjoy the joy you find (and create)! Just saying – you do have choices.
I smile and have another sip of my coffee. Good coffee. Good playlist. Good time to begin again. (Good luck on your journey!)
Evening Light 