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Try Again

July 26, 2023 //
1

This morning has fail sauce drizzled generously all over it. At least I’ve got a decent cup of coffee for washing down that bitter pill. lol

My Traveling Partner woke me because my snoring was keeping him from sleeping. That’s just real. I’ve got an appointment to do a sleep study in a couple weeks, but let’s keep on with the real-real; my partner has been waiting on this to be sorted out for the whole of our time together. Rough. I woke abruptly, and I woke triggered by his frustrated tone. No blame there, no criticism. I 100% get why he’s frustrated and unhappy to experience degraded sleep. That shit is unhealthy! I’ve got sleep challenges of my own quite separate from the challenge that results from my Traveling Partner’s reaction to my snoring. I definitely understand the critical importance of good quality restful sleep. Hell, I averaged less than 3 hours a night of real sleep for an entire decade of my first marriage, and was almost a zombie version of myself as a result. Sleep fucking matters.

As contented and generally happy together as we are, this sort of crap “tests us” hard. It’s vexing and frustrating, and maddening (by which I mean to say that as our sleep quality deteriorates, so does our sanity). There were harsh words, and raised voices, and frankly at that beastly early hour none of that is helpful, necessary, nor provides any kind of useful change – it’s just ugly on top of unhealthy wrapped in miserable. It’s been a difficult morning, so far. It’ll likely be a difficult day.

Drenched in my own frustration (with being wakened from too-brief sound sleep), my reaction was to immediately dress and leave for work (at 4:00 a.m., for real??). It’s a day in the city, in the office, and hitting the road early means “no traffic” and just maybe a chance for my Traveling Partner to get some sleep. (I’d forgotten about the night-paving going on, just outside of town. I’m so damned glad I saw the signs, really saw them, because that flagger was just on the other side of a blind curve.) I’m still bleary-eyed and groggy, hours later, but I made it safely up the highway. There was no traffic, and paradoxically this slowed me down and made me much more patient with myself and the journey. No rushing. Driving the speed limit. Making a point to get gas before I got on the highway. Eyes on the road. It was an ideal commute in all respects – other than my drowsiness. I got into the city just in time for BigNameChainCoffee to open, so I at least have this coffee that I’m slurping on rather mindlessly. I’m just doing it for the caffeine and hoping for the best. It would not matter if it were the best or worst coffee I’d ever had; I barely notice that it is even coffee, at all.

…It’s a fucking work day…

I groan softly to myself. I’ll be alone in the office awhile longer (about 2 hours more, I think) before other people show up. I’m a bit light-headed and dizzy with the persistent drowsiness. Fuck I wish it were easier for my Traveling Partner to wake me or ask me to rollover without actually also triggering me. It’s just no good for either of us (it’s not his fault, it’s just a limitation we’re facing together). I bet it’s hard to “wake me gently”, because I often sleep so very lightly in the first place, and it’s not at all rare for that light sleep to be in a state of hypervigilance. CPTSD – the “gift” that lasts a lifetime. 😦

Sunlight begins to pour in through the office windows. The tearful drive up the road to the office wasn’t any fun, and I’m so tired… but…the sunshine seems vaguely promising of new beginnings and fresh starts. I haven’t heard from my Traveling Partner for a couple hours, so I’m hopeful that he was able to get to sleep and get some rest. Later I’ll call the sleep doctor and plead for any interim solution that will make better sleep possible for my partner under these trying circumstances. I’m at a point where offsetting the timing of our sleep seems like a reasonable solution – even though I’m not doing shift work these days. I mean, if I go straight to bed after work and sleep for 4-6 hours, then get up about when my partner goes to bed, we at least both have an opportunity to get enough sleep to function. This shit? My Traveling Partner isn’t wrong; it’s unhealthy, and not sustainable. Neither of us can do our best work as our sleep slowly degrades, and it’s taking a toll on our personalities and ability to interact with other people pleasantly (including each other). That shit this morning was just not okay. Understandable, but not ideal. Things have to change – for both of us.

…I’m so tired…

Today I’ll focus on the work in front of me and do my best to ensure I take all my medications on time, get to my handful of meetings, and also don’t forget to refresh the parking meter. I arrived in the city before the parking garage opened, before valet parking hours for this building, and so I parked on the street. So many little things to remember. (Call the sleep doctor!)(Get the video for the work project shot!)(Check on the Farmer’s Market)(Shit! Don’t forget the post-pandemic I9 re-verification for work!)(File PACT Act paperwork!)(Get take-out on the way home!) I’ll try to refrain from biting my nails and tearing at my cuticles. Today I am painfully aware that I am entirely made of human.

I look at my work calendar. I’m pleased to see that it is such a light day, generally. Quiet project work, very few meetings. I look over this bit of writing and count up the spelling errors identified by the spell-check feature. Huh. 42. Seriously? Yeah… fatigue gets the blame; my spelling is generally quite good (or at least used to be). I correct the errors, knowing I’ll for sure miss something. I nearly always do.

Well, shit. I guess it’s time to begin again? Unavoidable, in any case.

Time to find new perspective on old problems.
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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

No Helpful Perspective

July 19, 2023 //
0

It’s shortly after 05:00 a.m. I am tired. Groggy. Already in the office. I have a headache. At this point, I’d be awake most any work day. On this day, I woke with a panic attack, well before dawn, and even before my scheduled time to wake up. I zone in and out. It’s hard to focus. I did not get enough sleep. I was an emotional mess when I dressed and left the house quite abruptly; I don’t make my best decisions from deep within a panic attack. The point of my departure was exclusively to do with giving my Traveling Partner an opportunity to get much-needed sleep, himself. I sure wasn’t going to be going back to sleep. Now I’m stuck in that not-quite-awake/not-quite-sleeping place. Eyelids are heavy. I feel stupid and a bit dizzy.

…It’s these harder days that I practice for on all those easier days…

I left the house so early (before 04:00 a.m.) that there were no coffee shops open anywhere, on the entire drive into the city. The gas station near home was open, so I stopped in – my plan was to buy bottled or canned coffee. Coffee for the drive. I forgot all about doing that, and just got gas and got on the road to the office. lol The drive in was uneventful, aside from just… no other traffic at all, really. The streets were empty at that hour. It was spooky and pretty surreal. When I got into the city, the parking garage wasn’t even open yet. I parked on the street. I set a reminder on my phone to pay the meter; it is too early to do even that.

…I’m so tired…

Every time my consciousness lands on my waking-up experience of this morning, I start crying all over again. Weeping, to be more accurate. Tears well up and start falling. It definitely messed with my head to start my day from a place of panic, fear, and anxiety. I have a headache right on the edge of becoming a migraine. From the perspective of this fatigue and the associated lack of emotional resilience, tomorrow’s planned drive seems a tad daunting, at least for the moment. I wouldn’t want to be starting that journey from this point. “It’ll be easier once the sun rises,” I tell myself before rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and cleaning my smudgy glasses. “The world” absolutely will not actually care about “my bullshit” or chaos and damage, not even a little bit, and there is a whole new work day between me and setting forth on my weekend of driving, camping, and self-reflection. “One foot after the other,” I remind myself, “and don’t forget to breathe.”

…I get a can of cold-brew from the office kitchen…

Starting the day triggered is shitty. Just saying. I’m acknowledging that explicitly for myself because failing to do so would tend to set up the day as one on which I “don’t feel heard”, or cared for, or supported – because I need those things (feeling heard, cared for, and supported) from me every bit as much (more?) as I need them from anyone else. I take a minute to accept that the day started very poorly, and that I feel tired, and at a disadvantage. I definitely do not feel properly “engaged” or prepared for a routine day of work. My eyes glance at the time… I’ve got basically an hour to “sort myself out” and face the work day. Fuuuuuck. At least it is a “no meetings” day… that’s something. I know I can take some time to get my head right before other people have to deal with me.

…I’m so tired…

I keep sipping this coffee. It’s canned cold brew. It’s… fine? Not good. Adequate. It meets the need. I catch myself picking at my torn up cuticles (again), and sigh out loud as I let my hands drop back to the keyboard to type these words. It’s going to be that day, I guess. Tears start falling again. I let them. Now is not the time to beat myself up over a handful of fucking tears. It’s been a difficult morning. I mean, well, those first moments. The rest since then has been utterly uneventful aside from being stupidly fucking early. It takes me a while for the chemistry of some emotions to clear up… like being on a bad trip, I know it will pass. It’ll end. Things will be okay… later. For now… I sit here with this fairly crappy iced coffee, watching the sun rise beyond the windows.

…Good grief canned coffee is pretty dreadful…

The car is almost entirely packed for my roadtrip. I sip my coffee and contemplate getting on the road today, after work (although honestly I’m probably too tired for that, and may be taking a bit more than usual risk just driving home in commuter traffic later today). My timing is all based on an early departure tomorrow. I chuckle grimly; the early wake-up today will give me one advantage tomorrow morning; I’ll be “more used to” getting up earlier than I tend to for work. I’ll set my silent alarm for 04:00 and try to catch the sunrise in my rear view mirror, from the highway to the coast. I’ll just get up and leave whenever I wake. Why not? No reason I need to put any pressure on myself, and I’ll have at least 11 hours to make the 5-hour drive to my camp site for my first night. 🙂 There are lots of beautiful places to stop to see sights and get pictures, and there is no need to rush. This adventure is about the time spent in my own good company.

…I feel a genuine smile form, and although it doesn’t linger it stills feels like progress…

I am so very much looking forward to a couple days without having to “deal with people” much (hardly at all)(including my Traveling Partner). Alone with my thoughts. Alone in my own head. Alone to sleep, to eat, to breathe, “interrupted” only by a few also greatly needed hours in the company of a dear old friend. I’ve been feeling hemmed in on all sides by what everyone else seems to need from me. I suspect that’s an illusion, and I don’t “trust myself” about that feeling. I do need a proper break from “things”, and a few hours in the company of an old friend. More than that, I need a few days to handle my self-care on my own, and see to the needs of the woman in the mirror. Having come face-to-face with the unexpected existence of internalized self-directed misogyny still lingering in the way that I treat myself, it’s time to do something to heal that wound. I don’t know if a 4-day roadtrip is sufficient to do that work (it’s a lot), but it is at least a beginning. I am a big fan of beginnings. 🙂

…Isn’t each moment a small new beginning all its own…?

A yawn splits my face. I finish this coffee – probably the first of several, this morning. There’s definitely at least going to be one more following this one. lol My back aches. My head aches. The tears have dried up. That’s something. The steady whir of the A/C in the background softly suggests napping. I’m so tired.
“Soon enough,” I tell myself, “the work day will end, and it’ll be time to sleep again.” Probably make an early night of it. What else can I do? I’ve got to get some sleep before I drive a long distance or I’ll be at risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That’d be a poor choice. Safety first.

I look over my To-Do List… today seems the sort of day I’m likely to forget things. I check the list. There are still a couple items to toss in the car… my camera bag, the emergency satellite communicator, coffee beans, and my power brick for charging things. I’m glad I’ve got a list. I sit awhile wondering if I’ve overlooked anything. Coffee filters. I add them to the list. I print off the registration and window tag for each of my planned campsites; having them will be handy.

…I remember to take my morning medications (it was too early when I woke)…

I let my mind wander to the roadtrip ahead. I’m looking forward to the journey, and also looking forward to the camping. I’ve got some “new gear” to enjoy, like the fire pit we got for camping with the pickup – it’s well-suited to solo adventures, too, compact and light-weight, easy to store, easy to use… and because it is both a cook stove and also a heater, by design, I am planning on cooking real food while I camp instead of relying on dehydrated and freeze-dried food (which has been my usual practice for years). I’m excited about that. The little coffee grinder & pour-over setup that I’ve got now is also an exciting “upgrade” in gear; still compact, it will mean having a really excellent cup of very fresh coffee while I’m camping, instead of my usual “downgrade” to instant. 😀 Both items were recommended by my Traveling Partner, and it feels good to enjoy them with him in mind. I’m grateful for those suggestions, they’ll definitely be an improvement on my usual ways. 😀

I laugh outloud when I look over this morning’s post; I’ve obviously gone entirely too far with this. Definitely one of those 1500+ words posts. LOL …And my coffee is gone. Finished. Clearly, it’s time to set this aside and begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, gratitude, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, Summer

Working With a Blank Page

July 18, 2023 //
3

Several times lately I’ve sat down to write and … didn’t write. I started with a notion, a thought, and idea, or a few words or the sight of something I could describe, but nothing came of it. This morning almost went that way, too… I sat down with the recollection of the pale pastel pink and baby blue dawn sky, and the words to attempt to share that, here, and quickly drifted to a piece of music, with a cool video. I let the music carry me away. The “eye candy” of the video filled my senses, and I lost the thread of my thoughts. LOL So human.

After my last therapy visit, I’ve been sort of “in my own head”, thinking about painful inconveniences like self-directed misogyny, and progress-yet-to-be-made, and… pain management. I wasn’t sure why with the dry summer heat, but my arthritis had flared up significantly (like, wet winter levels of pain), and until the heat dissipated yesterday with a cloudy mild day with hints of the threat of rain that it was a puzzle. Now I get it, but… fuck pain. Pain complicates things, and makes it hard to focus on what matters most (it surely isn’t the pain).

I sit here listening to music and sucking down my morning coffee with little attention. I’m doing my best to focus my thoughts on something other than the pain I am in. The music helps, but it’s not really a remedy. I’d hoped that building a habit of going to the gym and adding strength training to my fitness endeavors would do more (sooner) to reduce my pain. I haven’t gotten that far on my fitness journey, yet. Incremental change over time takes… time. I do my best to manage my pain with care, with various reminders to check in with myself throughout the day so I don’t end up like I did yesterday; at the end of the day and wrung out from fighting pain, because I rather stupidly hadn’t slowed down long enough to actually deal with it properly for hours. Fucking dumb. Very human. I got caught up in the excitement and momentum of the latest home improvement project, which is the front lawn. I forgot to manage my pain until quite late in the day, too late to get ahead of it at all.

Today I start things off similarly, and working on different outcomes as the day progresses. First, the gym, then a walk. I took my first-thing meds… first thing. lol I glance at the time. Time for the next Rx. I don’t delay, or snooze the reminder for even a moment. I take my medication. Small thing. Still progress. It’s a critical detail. This second couple of “first thing” medications need to be separated from the others, but a short-ish interval (like an hour) is sufficient. It’s peculiarly hard to get this one right (for me), and it sets up the medication dominoes for the day. lol So I keep at it. I’ll get this right. 🙂 I’ll finish my coffee, take a walk, and then get started on today’s meetings and calls. Today, I’ll take my medications 100% on time. Today I’ll manage my pain properly. Goals.

…I notice the the fingernails I broke yesterday. I don’t remember when. The rough edges draw my attention; that’ll be something to be mindful of all day, in order to avoid tearing at my fingernails absentmindedly through the day…

I breathe deeply and exhale slowly, feeling my heart beating, and letting my shoulders relax as I exhale. Looks like a pretty summer day beyond the window of the co-work space I’m in. I’m excited about my short week, and my upcoming roadtrip and camping along the coast. I’ve got my Thursday night site booked – now it’s just a matter of getting there! My Friday night is planned, too, and I’m eager to visit with an old friend (and bonus, it sounds like I’ll also get to meet a long-time reader of this blog as well). I still need to sort out my Saturday night, although I’m stuck on the route, because I have options and don’t know what I’ll want to do about it yet. Can’t really plan a camping location until I know the route I’m taking. 😀 I could proceed … without a plan… LOL

Thursday seems simultaneously “so far away” and also “almost here”. Funny. I’m already almost completely packed, which is pretty convenient. I still need to grab a couple items and my camera bag, but beyond that I’m ready. So ready. I’m looking forward to disconnecting from the world and following my thoughts for awhile.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

A Studious Approach

July 13, 2023 //
0

Interesting week so far, and already almost over. I finally “have time” to pause and reflect. My visit with my therapist yesterday was… eye-opening. Revelatory. Inspiring? I’ve got a lot to reflect on, is what I’m saying. I was even overcome with a fairly urgent feeling need to be alone, to be in a place/time with the freedom to reflect at great length and at leisure, and maybe talk it over with someone dear to me… but also quite removed from my direct experience. An old friend. Another woman. Someone with more lived experience.

Talking things over with my Traveling Partner the words sort of just tumbled out and a plan developed in the moment I spoke. I decided to take advantage of an opening on the work calendar to get some time away, alone. My plan is to drive down the coastal highway, see an old friend, camp for a night or two, and head home again.

Later today, unrelated other than part of my experience and journey, and one of the many things to reflect upon, generally, I see a sleep specialist. One I have not previously seen. It took almost an hour to fill out the sleep questionnaire. It was very thorough. As is so often the case, I find it difficult to fill out such forms; my answers are often don’t fit neatly into the “often? sometimes? never?” options provided. I’m always writing in the margins! I check “never” – then opine that it’s not actually never, just very rare. Or I pick “sometimes”, but feel compelled to explain that when it’s going on, it’s actually “often”. That kind of thing. Like… routinely. It’s hard to fill out forms. I’m not “typical”. LOL The answers I want to give are thorough, nuanced, and given context – anything less feels like I’m not able to share my experience correctly. It’s probably a bit much for the medical professional that has to read it. Still… I am hopeful as I prepare for the appointment.

Summery weather of late. I don’t mind. I’m in less pain, generally, when the weather is warm or hot, and quite dry. I sit for a minute, giving myself “room to just be” and paying attention to my body. Pain today? Yeah. Arthritis is about a 3 today… manageable. My headache? Just at this moment, in this specific position, for the time being… it isn’t a headache. Just a bit of tension in that left levator of scapula (or is it the supraspinatus? I’m not sure, honestly, I just live in this meat suit!). It all seems connected somehow… the shoulder pain, the neck pain, the headaches… a weird crescent of pain that feels as if I am balancing it between my shoulder and my ear somehow. Meh. I let it go. I’m okay-ish today.

I think about things my therapist said about things I’d said. I think about my relationship with the woman in the mirror. She deserves better than I give her. I could for sure do better, and I find myself considering the idea that I’ve maybe been “stepping through” a lot of self-care practices in a “tick the box” fashion, without genuine care and affection, just… getting it done. Surviving life, coping with trauma, but not really “being there for myself” in an honest emotional heartfelt genuinely loving way. Wild to say so. Annoying to be aware that this really might be the case even after all this time and work. It’s a journey, though, isn’t it? A process of discovery and self-discovery, of learning and growing, of getting from there to here to over there further on? The journey is the destination, and I suppose I could be grateful to continue to put one foot after the other, over time, and continuing to make actual progress. 😀

…I guess I’ll begin again… again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, turning 60

Mind-Altering Drugs

July 6, 2023 //
0

It’s been a week since my airport misadventure with food-poisoning. I’m home. The holiday weekend is behind me. The work trip to Palm Springs is a handful of memories and photographs. I’m finally back on all the various medications I currently take, and back to my proper timing on those. I’m fully hydrated. I’m getting back into the gym starting tomorrow morning. Life is good.

…Why am I so fucking grumpy and cross with the world, today?? I feel like I’m taking all the right steps… all the right medications… I smile, sipping my afternoon cup of (decaf) coffee. It’s that, isn’t it? It’s the medications. I’m literally “on drugs” and it does actually take a day or two to settle down into that routine all over again, even after a minor disruption. It’s something we often don’t give much thought to. Mind-altering drugs? That’s all the damned drugs, people. Yes, and the coffee. And the Tylenol. All of it. All. Of. It. Changing your chemistry has the potential to change your mood – and your mind. So.

Take another sip of coffee. I breathe, exhale, relax. I look at the clock. The work day is nearing an end. My Traveling Partner rather sweetly made afternoon/evening plans to make room for me to just deal with my own bullshit without it becoming our bullshit. I feel loved. Understood.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being
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