Archives for posts with tag: arthritis pain

Starting Slow

October 25, 2023 //

I tossed and turned a bit during the night. My sleep was disturbed by surreal dreams that seemed real enough in the moment to confuse me when I woke. My silent alarm woke me gently, but I woke feeling quite groggy and went through the motions of getting ready for the day feeling a little numb and disoriented. It all ended up pretty routine, anyway. Easy commute into the city. Gray clouds filling a dim pre-dawn sky as I parked. Sparse lights here and there in condo towers as other early risers get things started for another new day.

…I find myself wishing, again, that I weren’t in so much pain…

I make coffee in the office after I get my laptop set up. I catch up on email and pings and look over my day plan. I sip my coffee.

Still feeling sort of foggy and stupid, I step outside to breathe the cool raining morning air for a minute. It doesn’t really change anything, but it is pleasant. That’s enough. I breathe, exhale, relax, and do my best to let go of my steady awareness of my arthritis pain; it’s not helpful to allow it to be the focus of every moment. I stretch, and sigh, and go back into the office. My coffee is tasty and hot and it sort of anchors me to the moment. Stabilizing. Comforting. I think of my Traveling Partner, and hope that he is still sleeping and getting good rest for the work day ahead.

…I kind of want to just go back to bed…

Autumn. Funny season, and my favorite, but as the day length changes with the calendar, and the weather turns rainier, I find myself yearning for long lazy leisure days of morning naps and afternoon coffees, and evenings by the fire. I think ahead to the end of the day, and remind myself to have a soak in the hot tub if it isn’t pouring down rain. Mmmm… that sounds delightful. 😀

The local murder of crows passes between the buildings beyond the window, very near by. I wish I’d had my camera ready for that shot. They settle in the trees in the park below. The sky begins to lighten, reminding me that a new day has started… and it’s time to begin again.

Tags arthritis pain, autumn, begin again, brain fog, emotional self sufficiency, pain and pain management, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Nice Morning for It

October 18, 2023 //

I woke to my silent alarm, but only once the lights were at full brightness. I got up, dressed quietly and managed to leave the house without making any loud or abrupt noises, hoping my Traveling Partner slept through my departure. He needs the sleep after a restless night, I know.

I enjoyed a nice walk along a partially lit trail which meanders through oak groves and vineyards, returning to the car before ever hearing from my partner that he has started his day. I stretch and do some yoga. I take time to meditate. I double check that I am on time with my morning meds.

I look at the time and make a note that I will need to return home by 09:00, regardless, to begin the workday, but I still had some time… So, I decided to write a bit. I chuckle to myself; it would be easier on my laptop, which is specifically portable for exactly this sort of thing. lol I should perhaps begin bringing it along in the morning…

… So far a pleasant morning. I slept okay, aside from being confronted crossly by my partner when he found himself wakeful, struggling to breathe comfortably, and wondering what was up with me, and whether I might be the cause of his discomfort. I eventually got back to sleep. I was also awake, having been awakened when my mask seal broke (I probably turned over awkwardly) and needed to remove and reposition it. Correlation is not causation, but perhaps my sudden movement to remove my mask woke him? Or the sound of air leaking past my cheek? I don’t know. Well. Shit. At least it’s not my snoring keeping him from sleeping.

I keep my eye on the time, hoping that he wakes up before I come home; I just don’t want to be the thing that wakes him up, this morning. I’m in quite a bit of pain, and a little grumpy myself as a result, and I know how cranky he can be when he doesn’t sleep well. I don’t feel like dealing with any of that, just want to get on with the day gently and enjoy a good cup of coffee with my Traveling Partner before work…

… Or just work, if he’s not in that place himself…

Sometimes adulting is hard, and inconvenient. Sometimes I’ve just got to begin again and do my best to do better. 🙂

Tags arthritis pain, be here now, begin again, breathe, doing my best, meditation, practicing the practices, ptsd, sleepless nights, stay on the path, taking care of me, TBI

Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Untitled Reverie

November 4, 2021 //

I am sitting comfortably with my discomfort, this morning. Stuffy head. Arthritis pain. Headache. The coffee is good, though, and I sip and smile; each sip brings back the recollection of the handy tool my Traveling Partner made for me. My coffee-making is improved with its use, and I am reminded every morning that I am loved. 🙂 It’s nice.

A small wooden tool for scraping the fine coffee grounds clinging to the inside of the grinder’s receptacle; no more stale grounds mixed with fresh!

This morning I am making a point to simply enjoy this moment. Quiet morning. A few relaxed minutes of self-reflection and writing before work. A good cup of coffee. I made coffee for both of us (my Traveling Partner and I are both up), and took mine into the studio for this quiet moment. I am considerate of how uncomfortable I am to be around when I hurt this much. I need that chill time, too. It’s good for me, and I’ve been sort of falling down on that, for myself. So.

My Traveling Partner pops in for a moment with kind words and loving touches. He rubs my neck, finding that particular section he knows is the worst of it. He is kind and encouraging. We both recently found renewed interest in VR (a fun source of indoor exercise when the weather turns crappy, as it has), and he comments as he leaves the room his hope that more/other exercise may help my neck. He’s not critical, nor nagging; we’re both aware that although my injuries and pain aren’t caused by my general lack of “fitness”, they’d reliably be at least somewhat eased by improvements in my fitness (and in some cases potentially resolved). That’s just real. I know it, too, because I’ve lived this experience and I’m okay with the truth of it. Sometimes that’s uncomfortable. Truth often is.

I sigh out loud and notice the creeping chaos on the fringes, around me. I notice that I’m slouching and pull myself back upright. I notice the unevenness of my shoulders, and relax them. I take a deep, full breath, noticing how much room for it there is in my lungs. I give a moment of thought to the day ahead; we’re almost out of coffee, and I wonder if there is time in the day to run up to the roaster that has the beans we enjoy the most – before tomorrow morning.

I find myself thinking about reality vs virtual reality vs video games vs watching tv, and chuckle to myself unsurprised to remind myself again that if I spent even half the time I spend watching video content on tv just doing things – any active things – I’d be in much “better shape”, generally, and probably “have my shit together” ever so much more. I mean, I do okay. I’m not being cruel to myself on a Thursday morning, I’m simply aware that effort exerted is results achieved. I think back on recent video content… something to do with conscientiousness, something else about focus, something about habits… I feel fortunate to live at a time in human history when it is so easy to educate ourselves, and to feast upon knowledge.

…As a female human being, even in the 21st century, there are places in the world where I would not even be permitted an education at all. I sip my coffee and reflect on that grim truth for a moment.

My eye wanders to the wee clock at the bottom right of the screen in front of me. It’s almost time to start the work day. Another chance to begin again. Today, I’ll make a point of balancing the doing and the being, and do my best to be both active and self-aware. In this much pain, that’s a big goal. I’ll do my best. I’ll use some verbs, one moment at a time.

Tags arthritis pain, be here now, be kind, begin again, content consumer, doing my best doesn't always feel like what I think my best must be, it's only pain, Oculus Quest, pain and pain management, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, read a book, take a walk, taking care of me, TBI, there are verbs involved, vr

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

This Here, This Now

December 5, 2020 //

I sip my coffee, lukewarm, no longer “fresh”. I find myself in a “work with what you’ve got” sort of place this morning. What I’ve got is a sink full of dirty dishes, and aquarium with an overgrowth of green hair algae, and a massive fucking headache. I mean, just being real; I ate the food that those dishes had supported. The aquarium with the algae? Mine, and I chose the placement in the room when we moved in, which has too much light for the aquarium, and as a result I have a common nuisance that is algal blooms. The headache? Okay, so, sure… it’s “mine”, and obviously I did not choose or created it by intent, but making a big deal out of it when I have had this same fucking headache (worsening somewhat over time, but yeah, same headache) since… 2014, seems pointless.

…Giving credit where it’s due though, this headache has done a first rate job of sticking around, and slowly developing a more precise location and greater likelihood of moment-to-moment continuation without relief… 2014? Fucking hell. 6 years with this fucking headache. Now that’s a fucking headache. I do find myself just a bit impressed by that, in an irritated, resigned way. I mean… if headaches had a culture of their own, surely this headache would be receiving accolades from peers, and doing the talk show circuit about its success? lol

Most moments are just moments. We create the context and significance.

Still. Here is where I am. Now is the moment I’ve got to work with. So. Moving past “it is what it is” (and it is), and reaching for one new beginning after another (and appropriate pain relief steps, however futile seeming)… I’ve either got to yield to this shitty experience, or let it go and do something else… or find a different alternative. Verbs. Choices. My results vary.

I sip my coffee. Now cold. The darkness of the room is mocked by the appearance of the morning sun, through the window shade. The whir and hum of the computer is dimmed by headphones I’m wearing, although I’m not listening to anything that requires them. I mean, besides the whir and hum of the computer, itself. I sigh out loud. One moment of many, and there is an entire day still ahead and things that want to get done. Those dishes for starters. The aquarium maintenance. Ordinary tasks, life to live – headache or not. I’ll work off some of my irritation with some exercise (Beat Saber? A walk?), and by getting some chores done. I’ll have another cup of coffee, and exchange pleasant words with my Traveling Partner.

I find myself wondering, for a moment, how more primitive humans dealt with things like massive chronic headaches? Did they feel cursed? Possessed? Did they lash out at others? What did primitive human beings know about “self-care”? Was that something they were at all concerned with? “Survival” and “good self-care” seem pretty far apart on the spectrum of things people are concerned with…

I smile when I nudge myself to consider recent lovely moments. My Traveling Partner’s birthday was lovely. I’m grateful for the joy we share. I think of a recent busy work day, and a wee dish of unexpected ice cream delivered during a meeting. I reflect on conversations shared with my partner. Goals. Expectations. Thoughts about future projects and quality of life improvements. The routine matters of living and loving. The delight of an unexpected nap, together, side by side on the recliner sofa.

…Fuck this headache! It is too small a part of my experience to get to call the shots on this day.

I finish my cold coffee, and begin again. 🙂

Tags arthritis pain, be here now, Beat Saber, breathe, do your chores, Giftmas presence is more important than Giftmas presents, headache pain, here and now, life in the time of pandemic, MBSR, mindfulness matters, order from chaos, pain and pain management, pandemic life, present in the moment, take a break, take a breath, take a walk, talk about it, walk on

Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Autumn Pain

November 19, 2020 //

Rainy weather has returned to the Pacific northwest. I’m okay with it – I like the rain. It’s pure unfortunate coincidence that my arthritis pain flares up in wet weather. Also, right before wet weather. Also, when the weather isn’t entirely certain whether it wants to be wet or dry, or chilly, or cold… I mean, it’s not much of an exaggeration to admit that my pain subsides most notably in very hot, dry weather in hot, dry climates… and that’s not even “for sure”. I can’t count on it.

Rainy autumn days aren’t even rare or surprising around here.

I can at least count on change. Change is. I hurt right now, and I see the sun peaking out from behind morning rain clouds. Well, okay… so… this moment is painful, but the next one? It’s not a given, and I don’t know. Allowing room for uncertainty, in this instance, is supremely helpful. Rain or not, and whether or not I am in pain, I’ve got a life to live.

I started out for a walk yesterday. The rain took a sudden turn for the worse and the tickle became a downpour that wasn’t well-suited to long walks. I shrugged it off and returned home. I glance at the time, and at the sunshine filling the studio, for now, with warmth and light. Maybe the sunshine will still be around later this afternoon?

I take a breath, and relax. I stretch, and get up from my chair and move around some. I take a moment to recall whether I’ve already taken anything for my pain today…? Maybe it’s time. The day continues, as days tend to do.

It’s time to begin again.

Tags arthritis pain, doing what works, exercise, life in the time of pandemic, MBSR, mindfulness helps, pain and pain management, ptsd, staying well, taking care of me, TBI, walk on, wear a mask

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking

Starting Slow

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Nice Morning for It

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Untitled Reverie

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This Here, This Now

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Autumn Pain

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