Archives for posts with tag: be here now

I’m sitting at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. I use the time to meditate, which doesn’t use all the time I have for waiting. I sit quietly awhile, reflecting on life, generally, and looking out over the seasonal lake on the other side of the highway observing the way the clouds and water reflect distant lights. I listen to the sounds of traffic, and my ceaseless tinnitus.

I take a moment to make a packing list for my upcoming weekend trip to the coast. I decided last night to take a paint box with me, and maybe spend some time painting seascapes and coastal landscapes. Should be fun and relaxing. My packing list completed, I update my to-do list for today, too. It’s not a lot, but the meal I plan to make for dinner has some specifics that will drag my ass into the kitchen for some tidying up, and I definitely need to finish doing the dishes so the kitchen will be ready for cooking a proper meal later. I’m making a Bolognese sauce and I plan to make enough to have some left to set aside for my Traveling Partner to enjoy while I am gone.

The day feels planned. Even the next few days seem pretty well laid out. Oh, for sure my lived experience will have some variations from anything I’ve put on a fucking list; the map is not the world. Still, I feel prepared, and that’s a feeling I like.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This is a pleasant quiet moment, as I wait for the sun. The weather is unseasonably mild, and it’s not raining. I sit quietly, enjoying the moment for what it is before I begin again.

Once upon a time, perhaps I’d have just been getting home… Tonight I am unexpectedly awake in the wee hours restlessly not falling asleep after waking up a bit earlier to pee.

The lotus votive glows softly in the corner.

There’s a soft glow in the room, given off by the 3D printed votive holder my Traveling Partner made for me over the holidays. It’s a lovely reminder that I am loved, and although I am awake I am relaxed, calm, and content with meditating for a few minutes, writing a few words, and giving sleep another try.

The house is quiet. My partner sleeps. I am safe and comfortable.

I yawn. Perhaps now I will sleep.

It’s afternoon. I’m enjoying my second coffee a bit later than usual, and taking a break from work. It’s quiet in the office, and I’m alone here, today. It’s nice.

The early commute into the office was relaxed and there wasn’t much traffic. I drove along thinking my thoughts and contemplating how fitting it is, in these modern times, that the phrase “paying attention” exists – because these days, our attention is literally worth money. Likes, clicks, views, shares… engagement with content, with advertising, with platforms; everyone wants a piece of our attention, and we buy goods and services with it. “Free” services are rarely actually free; we’re the product. More to the point, our attention is, as is our data. Ick.

I continue to be pleased that my Traveling Partner is putting so much time and energy into freeing us, as much as possible, from being trapped in the (world wide) web of marketing and data collection going on all around us. I smile and wish him well from my quiet seat in the office. I love him dearly and find myself missing him, although it was just hours ago that I kissed him good-bye before I left for work, and only a handful of hours before I return home.

I keep thinking about that phrase “paying attention”… what are you paying for with yours? Is it worth the price? What do you lose because your attention is elsewhere? Is it a fair exchange? What could you be doing differently to enjoy your life on your terms more? Those precious minutes of your attention are finite – do you want to spend them the way you do?

What matters most? Those moments of your attention lost scrolling a feed don’t amount to much for what you’re giving up elsewhere, do they? If you add them all up and then spend them with someone you love, how much more valuable would they become?

The questions are worth asking.

I sip my coffee and think about the value in a lifetime of attention, and how precious some moments are. I sip my coffee and prepare to begin again… differently.

I’m sitting at a trailhead on a Sunday morning before daybreak, waiting for the sun and sipping an iced coffee. It’s a chilly morning but not freezing, and I am warmly dressed, suitable for the weather. There’s a steady misty drizzle falling, but not the sort of rain to keep me off the trail this morning. I feel satisfied, calm, and content. Perhaps even happy.

I sit with this feeling, sipping my coffee and listening to the traffic as the occasional car goes by. At least for now, there’s nothing more important to do than to savor this moment.

Yesterday began well, and was quite a lovely day throughout. I hung out with my Traveling Partner. We watched movies and shared the day gently. I didn’t really get much done and ended up completely forgetting about the laundry I had started. The thing is, though, the laundry is less important than the time we spend together, and I definitely needed the restful day. Win, all around, really, especially if I don’t punish myself for “slacking off”, which I have not.

…Maybe I’ve grown? 😁

I sit, relaxed and ready, contemplating the value in savoring the small pleasures in life, and the gentle moments of joy. It’s made a huge difference for me, this one simple practice.

“Additive” changes tend to be easier to make (for me). Learning to make a specific point of also “wallowing” in the good moments – even ridiculously small pleasant moments of no consequence – has done so much more, so much faster, to improve my sense of the quality and character of my very human life. It’s been one of the most profound (and positive) changes I have made to the way I face life. It’s hard to overstate how useful this has been.

It’s easy to the point of being default behavior to wallow in a moment of pain, misery, or aggravation, which tends to blow it out of proportion in my implicit memory of my experience, generally. Doing so, over time, creates a fairly profound sense that “life sucks” more commonly and deeply than it truly does. For years I struggled to “not do that” without understanding that a “subtractive” change of behavior like that can be incredibly difficult to make.

If you’re just generally feeling miserable and as if that is always the way of it, I definitely recommend savoring the smallest of pleasant moments as a regular practice; it can do a lot to open your eyes to how common those are. 😁 Over time, doing so has so much potential to thoroughly change how life feels, generally.

Daybreak has come and the trail is clear in the dim blue-gray early morning light. I smile and finish my iced coffee. It’s time to begin again.