I’m sitting at the half-way point of my morning walk, thinking about an interesting moment of recognition at the gas station earlier that illuminated the importance of not being a jerk to people, and of “values” generally. It constrasted rather dramatically with a moment in the Congressional interview of Dr Fauci that I saw yesterday while I was at my appointment, in which a Congressional representative refused to address the renowned physician by his title.

This morning while refueling my car, a man at the adjacent pump ahead of me called out, in a friendly tone, “Gotten coffee yet?” I laughed and replied “Not yet, that’s next!” He pointed to my license plate and said “I saw your license plate, and knew you were a coffee person.” I assumed from his remark that we probably frequent the same coffee place. My license plate is sufficiently distinctive to create recognition, I guess, but there’s really nothing about it that shouts “coffee”. This, by itself, was somewhat educational.

…Don’t be a jerk in traffic, especially if you have a distinctive or recognizable vehicle (but mostly because that kind of shitty behavior is rude, and frankly dangerous)…

When I pulled into the drive through to get my coffee, there was the guy from the gas station, directly ahead of me. I waved. He waved back. It wasn’t creepy, and there was no stalker vibe, it was just two people,  and a moment of shared recognition. Very human. Very civil. The sort of thing that characterizes small town life. It was a pleasant moment of community.

Recognition matters. Willfully withholding recognition when it could be offered is pretty rude (like refusing to call a person by their title in a setting in which it is expected), and in some circumstances could be viewed as an act of aggression. It’s definitely rude, if nothing else.

What I found interesting in the comparison between the Congressional interview and the unexpected recognition at the gas station this morning, was how clearly it illustrated the value of civility in daily life, and the way an individual’s decision to be civil (or not) can alter an interaction. I could so easily have been terse or rude to the stranger at the gas station, and under some circumstances that might have seemed appropriate. The rude ill-mannered Congressional representative aggressively refusing to address a physician by the earned honorific of “Doctor” could have profoundly improved the productivity and tone of the interview by simply choosing not to be rude, and maintaining a civil presence as a professional… although that no doubt generates fewer clicks and views on media pages, and social media platforms.

Recognition matters. Being civil matters, too. It’s rather a shame that we’re not teaching these skills, rewarding this behavior, and promoting these cultural values. They seem pretty worthwhile.

I learned an additional lesson this morning about small town living, “Karens“, and recognition; it’s a small world, and we are noticed as often as we are ignored – and it’s pretty damned difficult to know when it’s going to be one vs the other. Being on our “best behavior” (and by this I mean specifically  being “civil”) is a good general approach. We make ourselves memorable to each other through our words and actions. We affect the world and people around us thereby. We are seen. Visible. Recognized. Our words and actions can change another person’s experience.

…How do you want to be known? By what characteristics do you wish to be defined? What is it about the person you are that you want to be recognized for? Who are you when you are the person you most want to be? Are you practicing that?

…Can you actually see yourself in your mirror the way the world sees you? Is that who you see yourself to be?

Wheaton’s Law is still very relevant. Having and practicing good values really matters in the world. What are your values? Have you chosen wisely? Do you actually live the values you say you have? You have the opportunity every day to do better for yourself, your relationships, your community, society, and the world. Just saying, it’s something to reflect on.

…Can you speak to a manager without becoming a “Karen”? That’s a useful skill to cultivate.

I take a few minutes to think about my “big 5” relationship values… respect, consideration, reciprocity, compassion, and openness. Are they enough? Am I practicing them consistently? What changes can I make to live up to my own expectations better and more consistently? Am I reliably sufficiently civil to be welcome in good company?

It’s a gray morning that threatens more rain. I’m in a more or less typical amount of pain, but feeling much more myself than yesterday. I think of my Traveling Partner, sleeping at home, and my awareness fills with love. I contemplate this morning’s interesting lessons and how best to make use of them within the context of love and partnership.

I gather my thoughts and get ready to begin again…