Archives for posts with tag: dream a little dream

I had a most peculiar dream last night.

I was walking a dark trail before dawn on a foggy misty morning and came upon a solitary woman, also walking. As she approached me in the mist, I recognized her stride and her visage; she appeared to me to be some timeless other version of myself. She walked easily, neither young nor aged. Her steps were as confident as if it were fully daylight, relaxed and easy. She wore faded denim jeans that fit her well , and a knee length wool coat which she wore open, over a white cotton blouse. She wasn’t lean or heavyset, but wore womanly curves over muscle I knew must be there; she radiated strength. In fact, she had a subtle glow, as if illuminated from within.

As we approached each other on the path she looked me over. No laugh lines defined her expression, no frown lines distorted her gaze. She had a certain eternal seeming calm, marred by a slightly world-weary smile, barely hinted at, and a tired look in her eyes. She halted her progress and took an easy seat on a fence rail as I neared her, watching me.

As I drew closer, I realized she was carrying a thermos of something steaming hot, though I hadn’t seen it in her hand before. She nodded at me and extended the other hand in my direction; a paper coffee cup. “Coffee?” She asked in a voice very much familiar to me. I accepted the offer silently. It didn’t seem the time to speak.

We sat side by side on the fence rail in the predawn mist. She set down the thermos, or so I figured must have been the case, and began picking out a poignant tune on a guitar I hadn’t noticed her carrying. “Destination”, I said. “You know it?”, she asked without looking up. “The Church”, I replied, “1988?” I wondered out loud. She smiled back and played on, humming softly as if trying to remember something. “… It’s not a religion, it’s just a technique…” she sang, softly, looking into my eyes. She played on, as we sat waiting for the dawn.

The song, and my memories, unfolded as the sky began to lighten ever so slightly. Shapes in the mist began to be more defined. “It’s like the theme from Mahogany, isn’t it?” she asked with a smile, “an important question wants an answer.” I turned to answer her…

In the pale gray mist of dawn, I sat alone on a fence rail, chilly fingers jammed into the pockets of my faded denim jeans. The world was silent around me. I listened to the music in my head and slow tears slid down my face.

I woke from a sound sleep and my strange dream when the room brightened with my silent alarm. It was morning. Not yet dawn. I dressed and headed out for a walk on a misty foggy morning, without a clear destination, alone with my thoughts. .

I sat down with some water, to write and reflect. My first week at a new job wrapped up quite pleasantly and productively. I’m listening to Lizzo remind me “It’s About Damn Time“. I’ve got a little stack of flower seeds for fall sowing. It’s time to decide specifically where they go and put them there. Other fall seeds are sown in modules, waiting to be planted in the raised bed. Summer-sown veggies are sprouting in the autumn sunshine. We got our first real rain of the fall this week, too – so lovely!

While my Traveling Partner’s son visited us, I made a short trip up the road on a wee adventure to look at garden statues and the sorts of décor suited to turning some corner in a garden and discovering some delight. Why not? It’s the sort of thing (for me) that daydreams are made of. I went to Dundee Garden Art, and wandered their lovely collection of things for gardens. So worth the visit!! I see several things I want for my garden… but this is where planning and dreaming collide; the moment of whimsical speculation, the “what if…?”, the temptation, and the wondering. I don’t need to rush this, or take any sort of immediate action. This kind of aesthetic detail, I find, benefits from some time and consideration. I’ll daydream about it awhile, and eventually probably do the thing that caught my fancy first. lol

Quan Yin is surely worthy of a place in my garden.

My Traveling Partner asks for my thoughts on some upgrades to the shop. His business is developing, and already the small CNC machine that was “enough” when he got started is no longer enough machine to do the jobs he needs to do. It just can’t be counted on to get the job done. We sit down and look over his plan. This is no time for daydreams; we are practical and cautious, with an eye on hopefully just doing this the one time. (Things don’t always work out that way, particular now that so many items have to be purchased unseen, from an online store. Return-and-try-again is a real risk.) Our results vary. We roll with it. Talk it over together. Finalize a plan. Take action.

The Autumn sunshine sneaks through the blinds, filtered and softened. I smile. We’re in a good place together. Sunshine and love.

The new job is hard to assess from the vantage point of the first week. I’ve been doing “onboarding” tasks, and tackling various “annual compliance training” modules. No daydreaming. No planning. Just action, a bit of task processing and box ticking. I’ve got a checklist. 🙂 I’m enjoying the vibe, though, and the company doesn’t waste time on excessive meetings. It’s nice to have the time to get real work done, even if I’m just onboarding right now. 😀 In all identifiable respects, so far, this is a great job for me. I enjoy the team I’m on (and I’ll get to meet them in person next week), and there are enough familiar faces around to feel very much “at home” with my peers. I’m even having fun. No complaints. 😀

Time passes. I’m not the woman I was at 21 (I’m fairly sure I would have found her insufferably arrogant, and doubtless she’d have viewed me similarly harshly). Am I a better person than she was? A better human being? I can’t be sure of that, but I know I am happier, more content, more resilient. Finally. All those new beginnings have gotten me somewhere… and I didn’t even have to give up my daydreams. 🙂

It’s time to begin again; my path does not end here. I think I’ll have some tea. 🙂

I woke abruptly, wide awake in the wee hours. Bad dreams, already unrecalled. I am okay with that. There is limited value in remembering nightmares.

I woke feeling parched and restless. I got up long enough to get a drink of water and attempted to return immediately to slumber. Yeaaaaaah… That’s not working out so far. lol

My head aches. My tinnitus is loud, chiming and ringing in my ears. I sit up to write for a few minutes, laptop dimmed, sipping on a glass of water. I am damp with sweat, whether left behind from my dreams or too many blankets I don’t know.

I would sleep if I could, but that won’t happen staring into the glow of a monitor. I will set this aside, meditate and focus on my breath, until sleep overtakes me once more. It’s time to begin again. 🙂

I woke gently after a restful night. I woke with a song still in my head, left behind by my dreams. A song, in fact, with so many covers and remakes, that I didn’t realize that the version that as for me the version, is, itself, a cover. lol I’d never heard the original, until this morning. It’s a very different song, with a different feel altogether. It got me wondering… what would it sound like in this decade? Like… a really recent version? Is there a trap remix…? lol Of course there is.

…Why do I do this?? lol

I sip my coffee and consider the day ahead, the drive down to see my Traveling Partner this weekend, the days and weeks to come, filled with change. I click “play” on my favorites playlist and change the moment, the mood, and the momentum of the day. As if I pressed a “restart” button on my consciousness. I’ve got shit to do today, damn. 😉

I contemplate the timing of changes to come, the planning involved in making them weave gently together, the consideration involved in limiting any negative outcomes for others in changes they may not have expected or planned on, the celebration involved in savoring changes that are chosen, or fortuitous. Have I learned to step beyond accepting – even embracing – change? Have I somehow grown to enjoy it? To seek it? To craft it? Huh. Interesting… I think I may be okay with that. 🙂

I take a moment for gratitude; I have worked at getting where I am in life, but, and this is just real for all of us, I didn’t get here alone. I’ve had some lucky breaks, some assists, some opportunities that were unexpected, others that were almost forced on me inconveniently, but which turned out rather well, and at every turn I have been on a shared journey; we are all in this together. Every moment of feedback that resulted in self-reflection and personal growth helped get me here. Every great suggestion that got me thinking differently about where I stand in life – and what I stand for – helped get me here. Every fumble, stumble, and moment of panic, taught me something that eventually brought me here. Every friend. Every colleague. Every conversation. Every moment of support, encouragement, and help. Every angry conversation that sparked growth. Every example set by another person doing their own thing, and making their own choices. Every bad choice, good choice, or other choice – all of it. I did not get here alone.

…That’s also been true when I’ve stood in shitty circumstances, wondering “what the fuck did I do to get here??”. Whether I have celebrated or suffered, I didn’t make my way to that place alone. Something to consider. Relationships matter. How we treat each other matters. What we accept in treatment by others matters. Boundaries and expectations matter. Our words, actions, and values – all of it matters. 🙂

What are you going to do about it?

…This is a good cup of coffee, and a lovely moment. I sit with it awhile, before I begin again. 🙂