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We Live What We Create (a love letter)

January 16, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee reflecting on love, life, and how incredibly fortunate I feel, how grateful I am, for the partnership I share with my beloved Traveling Partner. Fuck, this has been a hard year (and then some) since his injury back in – was it November? December? – of 2023. Learning to be a caregiver, not just a partner, friend, and lover, definitely showed off some of my unpreparedness in the vast world of adulting skillfully. I had (have) a lot to learn. I’m glad things are improving (every day) now. I feel relieved. Did I say already? I feel grateful. Fortunate. G’damn it could have been so much worse.

We become what we practice. Once we are adults, our quality of life is largely in our own hands. Not entirely, to be sure, because we don’t all face the same circumstances, and just keeping it real – “the playing field” is not level. No one is in this alone, but we’re each having our own experience, and there is no question that some people are dealt a far more valuable hand of cards in the game than others. So…yeah. There’s that. Beyond that, though, we each have (and make) choices. Those choices really matter. Giving up on that is an unfortunately common mistake, but it’s an easy one to make. I think about that, and times that I’ve abdicated my responsibility to myself, yielded to cynicism, bitterness, or feelings of futility, and made things so much worse than they could have been, if I had chosen differently. Worth reflecting on, but as with so many such things – the lessons we learn after-the-fact can’t help us in the moment. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Sip my coffee. Listen to the woosh of the ventilation in the office – and feel grateful. Love has made a huge difference in how I make choices, and what matters most. I would not be the woman I am without the love I share with my Traveling Partner. Grateful barely describes my feelings.

“Communion” 2010

I feel so loved. My Traveling Partner can (and does) come to me openly and talk about his feelings and his worries. I can go to him when I am feeling feelings, and share my experience and feel supported and heard. Do we have challenges? Sure. We’re human beings, being human. This love, though… g’damn, am I wrapped in love. I woke this morning feeling loved. I’ll work through the day feeling it, too. It’s reciprocal. I love this man with a love that I don’t even know how to contain. Is it reasonable, practical, or even “sane”? Hell if I know – I don’t even care about that. I just love him. He loves me back. That’s worth something in this fairly scary world of chaos, violence, and human suffering. It’s something to “come home to”. I sip my coffee thinking of the moments we shared last night, talking and connecting, and loving each other. I hope every time I’m ever annoyed or angry over something trivial or stupid that my memory will carry me back to last night, and remind me that I am loved, and that love matters most. I hope the same for him – I can be damned frustrating to deal with sometimes – I hope he always feels loved, in spite of that. I sigh quietly and smile.

Is love a journey or a destination? Or… is love a verb?

…To experience an uncompromising, enduring love for so very long is a rare thing. For me, there’s only been this one, and all other relationships and moments of affection are dim lights compared to this roaring blaze. Love is always uniquely special, as feelings go, and I can only say again how fortunate I feel, and how grateful, to experience this one. This moment, here, now, wrapped in love – and all the others that my Traveling Partner and I have shared. I hope the journey goes on “forever” (or some close approximation of that idea), it’s been a journey worth sharing with this singular human being who loves me so…

“Cherry Blossoms” 14″ x 20″ acrylic on canvas. 2011

I sit quietly, smiling. Nothing else, really, just sipping my coffee and thinking about love. Work can wait on lovers, surely…?

So much of life is about love and loving.

My Traveling Partner is more than my spouse – so much more – he is my best friend. My muse. The inspiration behind so much of my artistic work over the past 15 years. The maker of so many delightful moments, and thoughtful things I use every day. I’d be pretty fucking lost without him – and very alone.

An alternate spelling of “I love you”.

I think about writing my beloved a love note, and realize as I sit here that I sort of already have. It never feels like enough; the love we share is so huge in the experience of a single moment. lol Filled with quiet joy, and wrapped in love, I begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, gratitude, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Let It Rain

December 15, 2024 //
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It rained through the night, off and on. It was raining when I left the house this morning, heading for the trailhead up the road a way. The rain starts and stops. It’s fine. There’s plenty of space between the raindrops to walk, and I’ve got my cheap rain poncho. Good enough. It’s still raining, mostly, but not very hard, mostly. I’m okay with a little rain.

I’m fortunate to be near a bit of shelter when the sky breaks open and dumps an aggressive quantity of rain down, making a lot of puddles and a tremendous racket. For these few minutes, standing out of the rain, writing, I don’t hear my tinnitus at all. The rain is louder, pummeling the path, leaves, and marshy places, and hiding the full moon that had been lighting my way.

… Beautiful moon… beautiful rain storm… beautiful moment…

I sigh quietly and stand listening to the rain, and smelling the scents of autumn. Somewhere, someone has a fire going in their fireplace, reminding me that this hint of wild places between river and marsh is quite surrounded by suburban life. As the rain begins to slow down, I hear the familiar sound of traffic on the wet highway beyond this nature park. I can’t see it from this vantage point, only cloudy soggy sky overhead and silhouettes of trees along the path.

It’s a pleasant quiet moment. I’ve things to do later, mostly routine Sunday housework and a couple of errands, but also some gift wrapping to get done, and holiday cards to address and prepare for mailing. It feels a little last minute to be doing the cards in the middle of December, but they’ll likely reach their destinations in time, and it’s not worth any amount of stress, anyway. I choose to do them, it’s not a graded homework assignment. lol

The rain stops. Somewhere nearby the Canada geese are gronking. I wonder what may have disturbed their rest, then see a small light bobbing along. I’m apparently sharing the trail this morning. I finish up my writing. It’s time to walk on. The journey is the destination, and it’s a good time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, Uncategorized

Thankful

November 28, 2024 //
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One thing I like about American culture is that we have an un-ironic holiday on the calendar for gratitude. We take a day to gather, feast, and share a moment of thanks. It’s an oddity among our holidays; it is far less commercialized than most of them. It’s mostly just a holiday feast. I enjoy the cooking and the meal. As a kid I enjoyed the various peculiar rituals, and the chance to see cousins from far away places as we all gathered at Grandfather’s house. I have amazing holiday memories of those childhood Thanksgivings.

I’ve never hosted large family gatherings for Thanksgiving, but I remember the fuss and chaos and celebration fondly (possibly because I didn’t have to coordinate the details or do much of the work!). I’m grateful to enjoy the holiday without the extra work involved in cooking, serving, and cleaning up after an elaborate meal for a large group. lol I’m content with a smaller celebration.

Thanksgiving morning before sunrise.

I woke to a cold properly autumnal morning and slipped away for my walk as quietly as I could. I slept well and deeply and I am grateful to start the day rested. There’s so much to do, later. I’m grateful for this quiet “now”, and sit for a moment after I put on my boots, just enjoying feeling the moment. It’s enough.

I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, and I begin the day here. Thankful for a good night’s sleep in a safe, comfortable home. Thankful for the warm base layers that keep me comfortable in the autumn cold. Thankful for my cane, which keeps me steady on my feet – and thankful to be walking. So thankful. I’m fortunate.

I’m thankful for this well maintained trail, and this quiet morning. I’m thankful for the partner who will welcome me home with love later this morning. I’m thankful for the coffee beans waiting in the grinder that will become my morning coffee, and the well stocked pantry that will provide ingredients for the evening meal. I’m thankful for hot and cold running water that is safe to drink. I’m thankful for my reliable vehicle and cozy house. I’m thankful for the books on my shelves, my eyesight, and the ability to read. I’m thankful for the Internet connectivity that keeps me in touch with friends and family. I’m thankful for the job that keeps the bills paid. I’m thankful for this comfortable good life.

I’m fortunate. I’m grateful. I’m merry.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Categories autumn, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being

Giving Thanks and Celebrating

November 7, 2024 //
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In spite of an upsetting (for many) election, I am giving thanks, feeling grateful, and preparing to celebrate. The holiday season is approaching. In my house that kicks off with Thanksgiving, which isn’t about pilgrims, indigenous people, or genocide – it’s about feasting and gratitude. It’s an opportunity to sit down as a family, enjoy a great meal, and appreciate how fortunate we are to have all that we do. Then…on to Giftmas (and my Traveling Partner’s birthday in between).

The wintry weather I’ve come to expect this time of year is beginning to settle in. This morning was just at the freezing point, and there was frost on the ground and a thin layer of ice on my windshield. I wore a heavy sweater and a fleece, and wrapped a scarf around my neck before setting off down the trail in the pre-dawn darkness, a circle of light bobbing ahead of me as I walked. I don’t prefer to walk with a headlamp, but I wouldn’t be walking in the darkness without it, and I’m grateful to have it. The morning is cold and quiet. I laugh at myself; I bet I could have slept in this morning.

It took months to pick out a birthday present for my Traveling Partner this year, and it won’t be a surprise. Machinery for the shop can’t generally be a surprise, it’s specialized and he’s the one who understands what he really wants and needs. It arrives today – I’m excited about it (so is he). Neither of us find it awkward or problematic that it is arriving weeks ahead of his actual birthday. lol The timing doesn’t feel particularly relevant. I like the idea that he may actually be in the shop using it on his birthday. His recovery finally seems to be progressing in a way that is apparent and visible. As I think about that a tremendous wave of gratitude and relief washes over me. I’ve been consumed with worry and dread for much of the year. If I get nothing for Giftmas but the certainty that he’s “going to be okay”, it would be enough, and feel like a lavish holiday.

I’ve got a long weekend ahead, then a couple weeks later (the weekend before Thanksgiving) a short getaway to the coast to paint, then the long Thanksgiving weekend, which my employer gives us as a holiday. It’s nice. It’s been a good year for getting enough time off (although much of it was spent on caregiving, quite a lot was healthy restful downtime). I breathe, exhale, and relax. I briefly wonder what next year might hold before I let that go. No point becoming invested in some future outcome that is not yet.

I walk the trail thinking about life, love, and art. It’s a season for celebration and gratitude, sure, but also for getting things done that have lingered too long on my to do list. I think about the garden, abandoned in the summer as my partner needed more and more caregiving support and time in a day became insufficient to do everything; it would benefit from a quick clean up and preparation for the Spring that isn’t even on my mind yet. The hot tub had been shut down and drained in the late Spring so that my partner could more easily sleep. It could be refilled and made ready for winter use. I walk and think about finite time and energy, and how best to make use of it.

Life and circumstances aren’t always what I want them to be, but I’m grateful for the good life I have, and the opportunities and choices my circumstances put in front of me. I walk on, and get ready to begin again.

I see daybreak on the horizon…

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

New Day, Different Moment

October 18, 2024 //
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The truck has a different kind of comfort and offers a different point of view – new perspective on a familiar scene. I sit waiting for the sun, but it’s a choice; I’ve been getting my walks in early with my headlamp. It’s fine. I don’t prefer it, but I still enjoy the walk and the time with my thoughts in the pre-dawn quiet.

This morning a full moon lights the way.

I slept deeply through the night and woke from my dreams with some difficulty. I dragged myself groggily through my morning routine, and made coffee for my Traveling Partner before I quietly left the house. The entire time I kept reminding myself to take the truck, instead of my Mazda. lol I’m due to take the truck in to have the new roof rack installed; all the parts are finally in. This morning I’ll begin the work day from the lobby of the dealership service department. lol I don’t mind, it’s just another difference.

It’s Friday. I’m so glad – I’m really tired. It’s been, somehow, a crazy week. I feel fortunate and grateful, though; the coordinated efforts of my Traveling Partner and the Anxious Adventurer have given me a break from the continuous grind of caring for family, hearth, and home. It’s a relief to have help. Dinner was especially good last night, and I didn’t have to plan it, cook it, or clean up. I even managed to spend some time tidying up my personal space, reducing the clutter that had begun to accumulate over recent weeks (which had likely been contributing to my background stress).

I gaze at the moon awhile, lost in my thoughts. My partner pings me a good morning greeting. I feel very loved.

There are no great insights to be found in this post. No painful moment of drama or chaos being sorted out. No guidance being offered. It’s a different sort of morning, and I am savoring the moment, content with it as it is. This sort of lovely moment is the payoff of all the practicing. lol Definitely worth taking time to simply be, and to enjoy it as it is.

Daybreak will come soon, and when it does, I’ll begin again.

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Categories autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Love, meditation, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being
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