Archives for posts with tag: happiness

I’m nearly at the end of an entire year here in this “home” place. My birthday passed gently, uneventfully, and infused with a certain chill bliss that I don’t think I can put into words – but it was everything I wanted for my birthday, and more (in a sense, by being less! lol). There are tomatoes growing in garden pots. Roses planted in the front landscaping, and nasturtiums sprouting in the flower bed under the kitchen window. The quieter environment that resulted from the acoustic treatments has eased so much tension day-to-day. The lighting changes my Traveling Partner made tend to ease my frequent headaches, and lighten my mood. Waking is easier without an alarm clock, and I’m pleased that I can rely on the changing light – a programmed sunrise – to wake me gently. I’m not cross with the world first thing in the mornings. It’s pleasant.

Time passes. Sometimes I notice. Mostly I don’t. It gets away from me. I don’t take that so personally lately. 🙂

Is there still a pandemic going on? Well…sure, there is; the world isn’t even 50% vaccinated yet. I’m okay with continuing to be cautious, personally, although I’m vaccinated myself. I admit; I really like not having a fucking head cold every other month. lol Still… things seem to be improving in our area, and more folks are out and about in the world, doing things, seeing people, shopping. I found myself “stuck in traffic” for the first time in this new community just yesterday.

…Is it still a “new community” if I’m nearly a year into living here? lol It still feels new; it’s been a year of staying home. Pandemics are weird.

I still have “ups and downs”. My Traveling Partner, too; he’s walking his own hard mile, as a human being. (Aren’t we all?) The pandemic was hard on us as lovers, we’re not alone in that experience – and frankly, I’m sure there were a lot of folks who had it much much worse. We’re fortunate that we really enjoy each other as human beings, and we’re friends. It gets us through some challenges, for sure. 🙂 I’m pretty fond of that human being living with me.

Here I am… 58. Doesn’t feel much different than, say, 47, or 35, or … yeah, even 27 doesn’t seem that different through the lens of remembered experiences. I feel like the same “self” – which is hilarious, considering how much I’ve changed. Would 27 year old me even like this woman I am now? Would she “get it”? Would she embrace the values I’ve embraced? Would she understand the changes I’ve chosen? The direction I’ve gone in life? Could we talk together as intimate friends about our journey, our choices, our changes? Would there be unresolved anger or “old business” that we’d need to work out? Would we even want to connect as individuals – or is there too much distance and time between us? Would she think me “old” or “out of touch”? Would I see her as young, ignorant, and foolish about taking risks? Are we really “the same person” at all? Probably not, in a great many very important ways, and still also entirely this one human being, living this one peculiarly complicated life, as the years roll by.

So, it’s time to turn the page on another year of living. I’m okay with that. It’s been a strangely eventful year, counting the days from one birthday to the next. Bought a house. Moved. Changed jobs. Discovered new places. Discovered new music. Discovered new depths to this love I share with my Traveling Partner. Healed some old wounds. Re-opened others. Walked new trails. Traveled roads I’d never traveled before. Found “my way” more often than I found myself lost.

I can say, comfortably and without hesitation these days, I like this woman I have become over time. That’s a pretty big deal… it has required quite a few beginnings to get to this place, and I’ve stumbled on my own baggage more times than I can count. It’s gotten to be pretty comfortable to pick myself back up, and simply begin again. It’s not personal; it’s my journey. 🙂 It could sure be worse.

My coffee is almost gone, and although my partner is no farther away that the other side of a closed door, I find myself missing him… it must be time to begin again. 🙂

It is a lovely sunny Saturday morning.  A clear sky hangs overhead.  I’ve recently gotten in touch with a lovely woman who breeds roses that were developed by Ralph S. Moore of Visalia, CA.  Roses I love, roses I miss, roses I want to replace for my enjoyment.  Suddenly, the rose garden seems like The Thing… so, short post today, and life in action… feeling hopeful, feeling serene, and enjoying some moments.

More another day…

Out in the garden

Out in the garden

A latte, and some light reading

A latte, and some light reading

Yesterday was not my best day. That’s ok, too, I’m still very much a student of life and love, and learning mindfulness and practices that will nourish and sustain me heart and soul will be a lifetime endeavor. Funny what hurts, what doesn’t and what I do about it. I screwed up yesterday, well, I chose poorly. I put work over heart, understandably I suppose, and simply refused to take the time for myself that would potentially have put my heart at ease. Another lesson. Ten minutes for me would have been a small thing to take from the work day, and of enormous value for taking care of me.  As it was, I held back tears for hours.  I got home, let my partners know I would take some time for me, and eased myself into a hot bath…and let the tears fall.  I breathed deeply, relaxed slowly, and practiced being in the moment, feeling the feelings happen, then dissipate. It was a huge relief, and yes, crying does seem to drastically reduce stress very quickly when I am in the moment and aware and just ‘now’.  I could summarize…”Yesterday sucked, then I went home and had a good cry and felt better.”  There was more too it, but that’s basically it.

One of my loving partners met me at the door as I left the bathroom. “How are you doing?” There was love and concern in his eyes. “Ok, I guess. I’m not sure I’m fit company, tonight…” and as I said the words, looking into his loving eyes, more tears began to fall.  I disregarded them, and heard a universe of love and acceptance when he replied “I understand. I feel it.”  I recall a warm embrace…but I’m not sure we actually touched with our bodies, and that isn’t relevant to the feeling of being wrapped in his affection and encouragement.  I went to share a moment with my other partner, wanting to be sure she, too, could have that moment together and know that things will be ok.  Something strange happened… I learned a powerful lesson in mindfulness…from a fish.  My partner happily shared with me a new fish in our aquarium. The delight of watching him happily doing his thing, no sense of anything but now, sort of snapped into place.  We all shared a quiet chill evening together, a little conversation, but mostly just warmth and engagement on another level, watching a comedy show, laughing together as the evening turned to twilight, then to nightfall.

I woke to a different experience today.  Well-rested. Serene. Here and now.  An exceptional latte and a few moments of study, then meditation was eventually followed by a pleasant walk to work on a spring morning. How are the simple pleasures of a good life of any less significance than distant pain? I make this mistake far too often. I’m learning, though.   There are so many odd slogans in life that ring so true as I explore this mindfulness thing… how about ‘stopping to smell the roses’? I don’t think it has to be literal roses, so this morning I stopped for a different flower, and it smelled quite sweet.

Stopping to smell the flowers

Stopping to smell the flowers

Oh, and we named the fish ‘Alfred’. 😀