Archives for posts with tag: love and lovers
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Finding Inspiration

December 16, 2023 //
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This morning I took a walk in the cold of the frosty morning, just as daybreak arrived. No pictures. Just walking with my thoughts, and taking care that I didn’t slip on an icy surface along the way. Now I’m home, sipping coffee, sitting here with my thoughts. Same thoughts? Same thoughts. I am thinking about good and evil, right and wrong, and the excuses we make. I’m thinking about the inexcusable horror of war and how terrible and pointless it is. I’m thinking about inspiration, and things I’ve seen that I’d like to put on canvas. I keep the sound turned down low on the playlist I’m listening to, in case my Traveling Partner calls out from the other room to get my help with anything, while he recovers from an injury.

…There’s a bit of grocery shopping to plan, an errand to run, and I’m overdue to finally unpack from my trip to the coast (which now seems so long ago). There are dishes to do. Meals to plan. Laundry to wash, fold, and put away. Life. Adulthood. Taking care of things that take care of me. Sometimes it seems pretty fucking endless, ridiculously repetitive and without any lasting outcome of value. Processes and practices work that way, I suppose. I take a breath, feeling my fingers dance across the keyboard as my thoughts flow across my awareness and on past. I exhale, still finding contentment in these simple things. It’s enough, generally…

I saw a gorgeous sunrise while I was on the coast, and it’s the sort of sight that fills my thoughts for days and lingers in my recollections. Such sunrises are the stuff of inspiration, for me. Sunrises are a little on the nose as metaphors for new beginnings, but there it is; simple and true. Believable. Real.

Begin again.

I breathe, exhale, relax, and look over the many pictures I took on my recent coastal getaway. I spent most of that time working, and so most of the pictures are of the view from the balcony or windows of the hotel room where I stayed for 4 days, with a handful taken on this or that walk on the beach on a lunch break, or some opportune moment when the tide was low. It was time well-spent. I reflect on the time, now, hoping to prevent the nurturing emotional gains of rest, resilience, and introspection from slipping away in the chaos of returning home to an injured partner, and the busy whirlwind of pre-holiday life, generally. Breathe in. Breathe out. Look at the next picture. Repeat.

My Traveling Partner asks about breakfast sandwiches and whether I might make some…? It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Art, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

All the Feels and a Headache, Too

December 13, 2023 //
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Wow. What a rollercoaster the last couple of days have been. It was lovely getting home to my Traveling Partner – who turned out to be struggling with an injury. Well, shit. I picked up those day-to-day tasks he could not handle, that usually fall to him, as much as I could. (When I woke this morning, I noticed I never unpacked after returning from my trip!)

I’m sipping my coffee thinking about the blur that Monday and Tuesday were, with doctor’s appointments and an ER visit, and waiting around for imaging – all the things. Yesterday, I woke with a splitting headache that was trying its damnedest to shrink my world and render me useless. I did that thing that isn’t healthy at all; I “powered through it”. The end result was that I was pretty cranky all day, generally not very talkative, and not especially emotionally accommodating of my partner’s anxiety and discomfort – although I really really tried. I managed to “be there for him”, but I doubt it was a super uplifting or gentle experience, at all. I did my best – to me it seemed my best was barely adequate, although he expressed his appreciation for my presence and efforts multiple times.

We were both pretty anxious about the whole mess; we rely on each other, perhaps more than either of us really thinks about very often, and this pushed that reliance into the forefront of my consciousness, while also creating a feeling of insecurity and doubt, due to circumstances outside our control. Kind of scary, really.

I sip my coffee grateful that although my Traveling Partner is injured, he’s “okay” for most values of “okay” and will most likely make a good recovery from this injury pretty quickly. That’s a huge relief. I’m grateful beyond words.

For some reason, unexpectedly, two thoughts collide in my head: the nature of attachment and attachment styles, and the 1970s. lol I find myself thinking that if you listen to the music of that era closely, it starts to sound like that the entire decade exists as the definition of unhealthy attachment styles and a certain cynicism about love, generally. It’s not all bad news and insecurity, cynicism and disappointment, though… there were love songs that “rang true” back then (I just didn’t understand them; love was not part of my experience). Funny how much those mean to me now. Like… time traveling back to that younger self and pointing to these moments, and saying “someday you’ll get here”.

Yesterday, more than once I found myself tearing up and feeling a poignant awareness that I would feel lost without my Traveling Partner. Oh, I know, I know. I’d be okay. He’d be okay… but fuck… I love that man and I count on him. He counts on me. We hung out quietly all day yesterday through appointments and doctors and all the crap that goes along with medical care. I tried to work, but eventually had to just yield to my need to be focused on my partner. I’m glad he’ll be okay.

A new day dawns.

…I’m also glad I got over my fucking headache. Fuuuuuck. It was bad. Today it’s just “normal pain” – manageable. I sip my coffee feeling contented and hopeful, and wishing my partner well from the office as I watch the sun rise through the big windows. It’s a new day. Time to begin again.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, breathe, Frustration, gratitude, grief, health, Love, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

Go With It

December 11, 2023 //
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It’s a rainy Monday. A new work week. I’m back home and the day-to-day routine has recommenced. I’ve got no heartache over that as I sit here after my walk, thinking thoughts and getting ready for the new work day.

A rainy day view.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, taking stock of sensations and emotions. I’ll head home shortly, even though my Traveling Partner hasn’t yet pinged me that he’s up. I need to start the work day.

As if on cue, he pings me, and it’s time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being

So Many Love Songs

December 4, 2023 //
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I am sipping my coffee and reflecting on the day. It’s my Traveling Partner’s birthday. We’ve managed to celebrate 13 of these together, now. Hilariously, it’s been more likely that we’ll be together for this day than any other one holiday on our shared calendar. Over the years, we’ve missed a Thanksgiving or Giftmas or two, and a couple of my birthdays, and quite a few Equinoxes and Solstices… but generally, we’ve managed to be together for his birthday. I’m glad. This is a hell of a partnership, and he’s a pretty great partner (and person), generally – worth celebrating.

“Communion” 24″ x 36″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic and glow. 2011

I’m listening to love songs (that are meaningful to me – or us – in the context of “us”). A younger version of me wouldn’t have found this at all comfortable. There was a time when my cynicism was so profound, and my disappointment in humanity ran so deep, that I just didn’t “understand” love – or believe it even existed in any real way. Certainly not the fairy-tale forever-romance version of love that infuses every “bodice buster” romance novel or Hollywood rom-com. I’m not sure I think that sort of thing is at all commonplace, even now, and if a person is so fortunate as to find such love, nurturing it and maintaining it over time is a whole other monstrous challenge. We’re human creatures. We reason poorly. We lead with our emotions without understanding our emotions. We bumble through our lives chained by our bullshit and baggage, and holding ourselves back with flawed assumptions and unstated (and unreasonable) expectations. Messy.

Sharing the love, and sharing the building. Destruction is far less joyful.

I’m in a different place with Love these days. I’m a believer. It’s funny how it hit me, too. We were commuting together pretty regularly, and one day, after we got off the light rail together to change to our (different) buses, we exchanged a hug. I had a Lady Gaga song stuck in my head for hours after that hug. LOL I will probably always remember that moment as the moment I fell for my Traveling Partner. Hard.

So much of life is about love and loving.

It’s been a wild ride this thing called love. Sometimes poignant. Sometimes sexy (mmm-hmm… 😀 ) So, I sip my coffee and think about love. We’re happy together, generally. We have our trying times and vexing moments… doesn’t matter, really, the love matters more. We work it out. We’re reliably “there for each other”, supporting each other’s dreams and goals. Having fun with it. Growing together.

So many everyday things in my life were made for me by my Traveling Partner.

I sip my coffee as the love songs play on. So many memories, together. This day? It’s celebrating him. Like I said, worth celebrating. 😀 I already miss him, and it’s only been two hours since I left the house this morning. LOL It’s autumn, but I’ve got summertime in my heart – flowers, sunshine, and a deep and abiding love.

I’d say more about my Traveling Partner as an individual, but his privacy matters. He’s strong, capable, funny… he’s one human being that I’ve fallen for heart and soul, and I can’t even say “why” – I only know it feels right. It’s not always easy (for either of us; I’m a mess!) My greatest regrets in a long life well-lived? Hurtful words or thoughtless actions by which I’ve wounded my Dearheart, more than most anything else. What a rare and beautiful love. What a cherished partnership. 😀 I’m eager to end the work day and head home to spend time with him. ❤

(If you read this over your coffee, Love, I hope it makes you smile. Happy birthday, and I love you. I’ll see you in a couple hours.)

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, breathe, gratitude, inspiration, Love, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, The Big 5

One Quiet Moment

December 3, 2023 //
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Another morning, up early for a walk, but instead I am enjoying a quiet moment of solitude, listening to the rain spattering the car (not mocking my intention so much as just the world doing its own thing). I sit for a long while just enjoying the sound of it.

I feel safe and at peace. The morning is quiet, if rainy, and pleasantly relaxed. I listen to the rain and watch the sky slowly take on color, and the horizon begins to reveal details as day breaks. The rain drums aggressively on the roof of the car like an agitated, nervous child. I’m warm and dry, dressed for a rainy day walk, if there is a suitable break in the rain (I don’t mind a drizzle and enjoy a misty rain, but this is more a drenching shower of a rainstorm).

Yesterday I spent the day making holiday cards. I’ve got a fairly short list of recipients, mostly family, and it was a fun activity. Today I’ll finish that project and tuck each card into an envelope ready to go to the post office on Monday.

I stir restlessly in my seat. The rain brings pain with it in the form of my arthritis flaring up. A walk would help, but I don’t see that happening this morning. I chuckle to myself; I’d certainly be on the trail at this point, if it weren’t raining so damned hard.

I smile and think fondly of my Traveling Partner. He delighted me yesterday by making excellent breakfast sandwiches after I returned from my walk. Totally a surprise. I stepped out of the shower smelling bacon, and found him in the kitchen making breakfast. Delicious. I felt so loved. It’s a feeling that lasts, and I feel it still. I sit with my smile and my thoughts, and hoping that he is sleeping in.

I don’t know what today holds, but if it’s another day like yesterday, my partner and I doing our own thing and hanging out together, it’ll be more than enough. I’m still coasting on that feeling of joy. I think about his project and mine, and I make a short list of things I also want to get done before I start a new work week.

… It’s almost time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being
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