Archives for posts with tag: making the effort

Love and Caregiving

November 15, 2024 //

Yesterday was… difficult. My Traveling Partner was in pain after PT the previous day and feeling really uncomfortable and cross with the world. Understandable, and honestly, I generally wouldn’t mention it in any specific way, but the results affected me quite directly. The peace of my morning was quickly wrecked, and before midday I was seriously wondering if I’m even cut out for being in a relationship or enduring cohabitation at all. It was that kind of day.

… Caregiving is hard…

I love (adore) my Traveling Partner with an abiding passion that can be described pretty accurately as “ridiculous”. It makes no damned sense that I love him so. Hard days are hard. Bad moods feel…bad. Hurt feelings hurt. Love isn’t some magical effortless fairytale condition that leaps from eye contact to happily ever after. There are verbs involved. Effort. Real work. Personal growth over time. Compromises and changes. Fucking hell, it’s an unreasonable bit of work involved in deepening and maintaining intimacy, especially under trying circumstances. G’damn it’s worth it though, and most of the time that’s obvious.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The day ended pretty well, though my beloved was still cross and miserable. We talked over the things that mattered. We sorted some stuff out. We called it a night in a good place with each other, in spite of his continued pain and discomfort. It’s a new day, today. A new chance to begin again. Love is worth the effort we make.

I stare into the foggy autumn darkness. It’s awhile yet until daybreak, but the work day begins pretty soon. I lace up my boots and add gloves and a scarf. It’s chilly this morning. I’ve got my cane and my headlamp. I finish my coffee. It’s time to begin again. Again.

Tags a beginner's mind, be here now, be love, begin again, caregiving, caregiving is hard, forgiveness, get help, love and lovers, love takes work, making the effort, non attachment, p.s. I love you, pain management, practice compassion, practicing the practices, results vary, self-care, side effects and symptoms

Categories Allegories, anger, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Can, and the Can’t,

May 21, 2024 //

This morning I am sipping my coffee by the warmth of the fire in my propane-fueled FireCan (linked, because I love this thing). It’s the titular can to which I referred. lol

The “can’t”, on the other hand is all the stuff either utterly outside my control (like the rain expected later today), or outside the limitations of my abilities, or prevented by some fundamental of reality itself. My thoughts are provoked simultaneously by the chilly morning and this warm fire, and the rangers who happened by talking about another recent hiker death caused by straying off a marked trail, and falling to their mortal end. (Not here, but elsewhere in Oregon.)

Stay on the path, people, stay on the path.

…There is something to be learned about living well in the mistakes people make that so easily send them to their doom over an out-of-reach desire… or a fucking selfie. Just saying, in life and on the trail, plan your journey with as much care as you can, tell your loved ones where you’re headed, prepare for the likely conditions, and stay on the fucking trail. It can still all go very wrong, but you’ll have done your best to prevent mishaps through bad decision making. Maybe.

My coffee this morning is very satisfying. I am drinking more than usual and until later in the day, while I’m camping. That’s not unusual for me. It doesn’t seem to affect my sleep out here. Noise definitely does. Last night was very quiet. I slept well and deeply waking once to pee, and later to the sound of creature wandering through camp, perhaps very close, perhaps some kind of cat. Depending on the specifics, I guess I am glad we didn’t meet on the trek to the restroom, earlier. lol

The moon lit the night sky such that when I woke during the night and got up to walk to the restroom, I didn’t need my headlamp at all. The night was surreal and beautiful in my less than ideally awake state. I wondered at the beauty of it all. I gazed into the night sky, through the shapes of trees silhouetted against the starry sky. Night even smells quite different, some flowers are more fragrant at night. The quiet was so… quiet. I lingered long enough for the chill to catch up with me, before I returned to my cozy sleeping bag, still warm from my body heat.

A crow is cross with me this morning. I wonder what he thinks I should be doing differently? A massive RV pulls past, loud engines giving voice to the amount of power it takes to move an entire house up a narrow road. I chuckle to myself. There aren’t that many campers in my age group still tent camping, seems like; they mostly prefer a nice comfy house on wheels of some sort. I get it. I’m not criticizing at all. Tent camping is a bit of work. There’s manual labor in the set up and tear down (so much), especially for campers who enjoy being “well-equipped”. (I’m honestly more “glamping” than camping, but doing so is built on my own labor, and I enjoy the little luxuries.)

I make a bite of breakfast. Freshly scrambled eggs with some squash and mirepoix, and sourdough toast, toasted over the fire. Some time after breakfast dishes are done, I’ll hit the trail, striking out in some new direction, on a path I’ve yet to walk… but I’ll totally stay on the path.

…It’s time to begin again…

Tags be here now, begin again, can and can't, choices, choose wisely, do you?, living authentically, making the effort, meditation, my results vary, no selfie is worth dying for, self-care, stay on the path, walk on, walking my own path, where does this path lead?

Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

The Good Good

April 21, 2024 //

Misty, chilly Spring morning and I have the trail to myself. Bliss. I walked with my uninterrupted thoughts, watching the sunrise. The park gate opened at 05:45, pleasantly early, enough light to walk the trail without a headlamp or flashlight. So little traffic on the nearby highway, all I hear are the sounds of nature and wildlife… and my tinnitus. lol I’m okay with it. Beautiful morning.

Health and fitness-wise, this morning is a small milestone; 3rd shot on Ozempic, first weigh-in (at home) since I started it. I even get to discontinue another medication, since I am tolerating the Ozempic well, I get to discontinue the beta blocker I am taking, which also means getting back some energy, being a bit less out of breath when I am walking, and losing the edema in my ankles that developed when I started the beta blocker. I am excited about that.

Will I be bummed if I haven’t yet lost any weight? Nope. My overall health and feeling of wellness is improving and that’s the actual point (and goal). More energy means more exercise, more easily, and the results over time are what matter. Increasing my activity level and skillfully managing my calories and nutrition will get me down the path. It’s not a sprint, it’s an endurance challenge. lol

The mist is still clinging to the marsh, as I return to the car. The Canada geese take flight in large flocks that fill the sky overhead. The golden sun shine begins to fill the sky with warmth and light, and I am smiling as I walk, thinking my thoughts and feeling pretty good.

The most recent updates about my Traveling Partner’s injury and recovery are somewhat reassuring and provide some hope and encouragement. I feel more comfortable planning to camp in May. I’m excited about the possibility of also feeling stronger and having more energy for it, too.

The weekend isn’t over. There’s more to do at home, and in the garden. It’s already time to begin again.

Tags be here now, begin again, breathe, do more, do the thing, eat less and exercise, hearing myself think, incremental change over time, it's a process, making notes, making the effort, my results vary, no shortcuts, Ozempic, practicing the practices, taking care of me, taking steps, there are verbs involved, update the goals, walking my own path, weight-loss secrets, what are you practicing?

Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, weight loss secrets

Reflections

March 17, 2024 //

I’m relaxing after my morning walk on a nearer more local trail. I slept in this morning, and slipped out of the house after daybreak, leaving my Traveling Partner to sleep awhile longer. I’ve got a plan to make waffles later, and for now these quiet moments of morning watching the sunrise become a new day are mine to enjoy alone.

I am sitting on one of the picnic tables that sit along this stretch of the trail, watching small birds and reflecting on past and current commitments to myself, and my successes and failures over the years. I consider progress I’ve made over time, and how different “a good life” looks to me at 60, compared to 14, 23, 30, or 45… My thinking and my understanding of what I want in life has changed quite a lot over time. Certainly, at 14 I had no idea how much pure effort is involved in “living well”, let alone how I would come to define that after I had experienced some living.

I still find myself yearning for “easy”, far more than I ever yearn(ed) for recognition or fortune, and it amuses and humbles me to finally find myself having to acknowledge that, like a lot of life’s sweet treats, “ease” is best taken in moderation. The more of it I have, the more often I indulge, the more likely I may also find myself struggling later on to maintain my wellness or health in some other area of life. There’s a balance to be struck.

I sit feeling the effects of physical exertion. Feeling the rising sun on my face. Breathing the cool morning air. A small bird stops on the table, very near to me. I hold quite still to avoid startling her into flight. She looks me over and picks at unseen crumbs while I wonder how hard birds must work just to survive. I think I must have it relatively easy, by comparison. Useful perspective.

I’ve been working towards increasing the amount of effort I put in day-to-day, without exhausting myself or breaking down this fragile vessel. This isn’t new; I’ve “been here before”. I’m hoping to improve my fitness and my wellness, generally. I’d like to be around a good long time more… In spite of the chaos of the world, my own wee slice of suburban paradise is rather nice, and I enjoy life and love and time spent with my Traveling Partner and my friends. I’m not interested in “going out with a bang”, nor do I want to quietly fade away. I want most to live well, and live simply, and enjoy the life I live for all the days I can. Recent reminders that we are mortal creatures are less depressing than they are simply a reminder that the clock is always ticking.

… I wonder what the future holds, as I take off my hiking boots and put my sneakers back on. I think about the garden and wonder if I would do well to pick up a watering can for watering the seedlings in the veggie bed. These questions strangely seem to have similar significance and magnitude for me on this relaxed Sunday morning. I suppress a laugh and the little bird flies away.

… I remember that I’ve planned to drain and clean and refill the hot tub today and wonder if I actually will… Have I got it in me? Should I give myself a break and do it next weekend?

I take a breath and exhale with a sigh and a smile, and prepare to walk back to the car, wondering if I have everything I need to make waffles…? I know I have what I need to find satisfaction, joy, and contentment in my life. There are verbs involved…

… And it’s time to begin again.

Tags be here now, begin again, choose your adventure, defining success, do the verbs, do you?, finding the path, I'll be in the garden, it ain't easy, it's a journey, it's a metaphor, life's lessons, Living Well, making the effort, meditation, my results vary, perspective, practicing the practices, stay on the path, sufficiency, the clock is ticking, the journey is the destination, there are verbs involved, walk it off, walking meditation, we are mortal creatures, what progress looks like, your results may vary

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, turning 60, weight loss secrets

Defining the New Normal

July 13, 2020 //

It’s early on a Monday morning. The alarm clock was an unwelcome sound, when it went off for the first time in two weeks. I got myself up, did some yoga, made coffee… all very “normal” sorts of workday morning things. I still don’t feel properly awake. I definitely feel “weird” about work. lol This is my first bit of early morning writing in this new space… I fret a bit about whether the sound of my typing will disturb my sleeping partner in the adjacent bedroom, and attempt to “type quietly”, aware of the sound and cadence of my keystrokes. I drink my coffee. I read a bit of the news (before giving up on that quagmire of negativity and emotionally evocative word-smithing in favor of meditation). Seems a routine sort of Monday, thus far, although I’ve yet to dive into the work day ahead.

…I’m mostly just sipping coffee and “soaking in the vibe” of this new place…

Morning coffee; same routine, new location.

There’s the most gentle vague hint of daylight-to-come visible through the view-obscuring-but-not-wholly-opaque window shade. I consider opening that up and letting in the morning light. I don’t actually do anything about it; I just sit here sipping my coffee rather contentedly. It’s enough.

There’s ever so much more to write “about” this move that is, in most respects, now behind me (us), but today, this morning, does not feel like the time to do that. It’s easy enough to celebrate the successes, to share what worked, to acknowledge what has gone well…and I’m entirely made of human. It’s a given, is it not, that more than a few things likely didn’t go ideally well, and maybe a thing or two went so badly sideways that the emotional hurts still linger? I assure you, there is much to consider, with care and with love and with compassion, before I am really up for talking about painful moments, upsets, complications, or hurt feelings, mostly because that was the rare and the few and the limited of all the many moments I shared with my Traveling Partner during this move – and we’re still getting work done on the moving in piece, even though the moving out is completed. I’m still celebrating the wins and savoring the successes – and I’m definitely sure those matter most. There is time later for reflection. 🙂

This past weekend felt more like a “regular weekend” than it felt like part of moving. Win! We grilled on the deck. We watched favorite shows. (We continued to unpack! lol) We kept things tidy. My Traveling Partner did some important household repair tasks. We each did routine chores like laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash. Humans living life. Simple, wholesome, very “normal” stuff… the new normal, here, at home. It seems enough. 🙂

New day ahead, new view, and new perspective.

I glance at the time, and into my empty coffee mug. It’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags back to the routine, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, how love works, investing in good quality of life, life in the time of pandemic, making the effort, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, moving in and moving on, my home my rules my way, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the new normal, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Love and Caregiving

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The Can, and the Can’t,

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The Good Good

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Reflections

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Defining the New Normal

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