Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness
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Seriously? You Could Do Better

March 16, 2018 //
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Couldn’t we all do better? A bit? Give that some thought. Are you really the person you most want to be? Every day?

I am feeling frustrated with humanity, generally, and it pivots on competing memes, the willful stupidity of human beings defending pet ideologies, and the unavoidable truth that every damned one of us has some pretty fucking hateful moments, and lugs around some pretty vile baggage. I’m mostly quite done with every damned body pointing at the other guy with criticism about hate, seemingly unaware that they, themselves, have some similarly hateful moments.

Fuck, people, look in the god damned mirror.

I’m not making this point unaware that I am, myself, quite human. On the contrary, I am frustrated and puzzled by some basic confounds in my own thinking. I am concerned about implicit biases I am likely wandering around with, that may inform my decision-making in a fairly stupid way. I worry that things I think I “know” are not well-grounded in fact, to the point that I am regularly seeking proof that I am wrong. (Because, frankly, finding out I am wrong is the only shot at correcting poor quality reasoning – I don’t give fuck-all for being right, and it isn’t helpful to “know” that I am, when it comes up.)

What’s specifically giving me metaphysical indigestion this morning is the head-on conflict between posts/memes/commentary suggesting that “gun control is not the answer –  be kind to lonely kids!” is The One True Way, and the other batch retorting “don’t suggest anyone else is responsible for violence except the sociopaths committing it – you could be encouraging vulnerable kids to become entangled with sociopaths!” because setting good boundaries is The One True Way. Fucking hell – are we all really that stupid? Is it not 100% entirely obvious that this is a false dichotomy? That the jigsaw puzzle of American violence is a tad more nuanced than that? Fuck your overly simplistic idiocy. So done with that kind of simple-minded horse-shit.

It matters how we treat people. It matters what we accept, as a culture, with regard to how people treat each other. It matters when we frame the discussion in terms of the value of one group of lives or another, or the worth of one individual or another. It matters how we talk about – and how we prosecute – violence. Yes, when we let domestic violence crimes go unnoticed, undiscussed, and unprosecuted, we build a culture in which some children grow up thinking their anger (an emotion, nothing more) has more value than the actual lives of others. We created that scenario as a culture, as a society. We deepen it when we devalue women, people of color, and other vulnerable populations. When we foster rape culture, and suggest in our institutions and laws, that how women dress or behave is somehow righteous justification for another human being’s lack of self-control over their use of sexual behaviors, we defend violence over “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. We are at fault for the culture that exists.

Does that mean we are also accountable, individually, for the individual acts of violence of other individuals? Nope. We are each responsible for our own actions… including those actions that foster a culture of violence. So. Yeah. It’s not us vs. them. It’s not as simple as a single choice between two clear options. It’s about actually fucking being aware of the consequences of our actions, and of our institutions and laws, and we are responsible for the society we create. We built this. Stop acting fucking surprised. Fucking fix it.

Fuck, I am so angry about this. Just do better, damn. How fucking hard is that?

What are you going to do to make this a better country to live in for everyone who lives in it? (Yes, including people who are incarcerated, people who are poor, people who are undocumented – have you read some of what they are put through? Every.Damned.Day. “Inhumane” doesn’t begin to describe it, and that’s really not okay.)

I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to do better. Just that. Something. Each day, today too, I am going to put my will and my actions toward being a somewhat better human being than I was yesterday. And again tomorrow. Then again the day after that. I will spend a lifetime working towards being the woman I most want to be, building the world I most want to live in. Tearing down the bullshit and baggage I learned growing up, or later on, or built myself. No excuses. I can do better.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories anger, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, loneliness, Love, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, Words

As Easy As a Pour Over

March 6, 2018 //
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I took the espresso machine down to the countryside this past weekend. I used the last k-cup for the Keurig, too. I woke this morning, and began again; I made a pour over. Rich, dark, delicious… the kitchen filled with the fragrance of freshly ground coffee, and I sipped it happily wondering how I strayed from this simple path?

This morning, I begin again. 🙂 Intent. Will. Choice. Action. Practice.

And again.

And still again, if necessary – and sometimes it will be quite necessary indeed. That’s okay too. There are steps. These are practices. There are verbs involved and my results vary.

I finish my very excellent cup of coffee with a smile and begin the day.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

What Kind of Journey?

March 1, 2018 //
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I read a really cool thought-provoking positive post on Facebook from someone on my friend list. New-ish friend, and from the perspective of 54, quite young. I was delighted and fascinated by her approach to the ancient human question of “what do I want to be when I grow up?”, expressed as a question to her friends (and possibly the world) “what is your occupation?” followed by “was it hard to get there?” – I spent some time thinking about it, just as a straight up question, without understanding it to be, more properly, a search query put to the humans in the room, instead of Google. (By itself, that delights me.)

I answered the question. A friend answered the question. Another friend answered the question. One respondent, rather disappointingly I found, myself, very explicitly directs the questioner to consider some specific line of work, as if it isn’t the questioner’s journey, entirely, and a whole wide world of “occupations” to consider, many of which lack that sort of very clear path to a very obvious objective. As if the question had not been specifically phrased to achieve something grander by way of an answer. lol I hope she chooses her path with far less… certainty. Ease and convenience, and all manner of things that are obvious, definitely have less risk – and also promise far less reward.

I realized in considering the questions, I’m not at all unhappy to be where I am. Fuck, it took a while to get here, though, didn’t it? LOL Every step, every turn, there were people attempting to direct my hand, my decision-making, and very few of had any interest of mine in mind.

Walk your own path, young traveler. Make your choices, even in the moment, with your experience and your future in mind. Try things. Taste exotic foods. Tempt your senses with novelty. Find balance and perspective – your balance, your perspective. Do you. The map – any map – is not the world. The plan – any plan – is not the project. You are your own cartographer on a journey into a future that hasn’t been determined. There are verbs involved. You will try. You will fail. You will try. You will succeed. You may find that your notion of what success would look like is very different from the success you actually achieve. That’s okay too. It matters more to succeed on your own terms. To love well. To treat people with great consideration. Your results will vary. What matters most is to be present in your experience, and to love well and deeply. You may change the world…

…Are you ready? It’s time to begin the future. (Don’t worry, you can begin again tomorrow.)

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Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

It’s Not a Contest

February 26, 2018 //
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“Life” is not a contest, a competition, a race, or even, really, a game. I know I sometimes speak metaphorically in those terms, or have in the past, but giving that real thought, I have to wonder if I am setting myself up for an experience that doesn’t suit me, by doing so? Doesn’t it turn my attention specifically toward all manner of outcomes, and distract me from the moment I am in, to some degree, to view life as a competition?

This morning I face Monday feeling fairly content. I’m not in much pain this morning, which is a pleasant starting point for the day and week. I didn’t get as much done over the weekend as I intended to, but I also let go of those intentions fairly early on in favor of fretting over my distant loved ones, and compulsively checking for messages. LOL (So human.)

By letting go of any attachment to life-as-a-contest, life-as-a-competition, I let go of my attachment to most moments of envy that I might otherwise experience; that car, that house, that paycheck, that job, that title, that jewelry…none of that is really relevant if I am not in competition with anyone else (or with my own narrative). By letting go of any attachment to life-as-a-game, I am more easily able to simply treat others well (if I’m “player 1”, and everyone else is “playing against me”, it definitely changes how share-able shared resources really seem, for example).

Watching this chipmunk competing with the squirrels for resources over the weekend eventually crept into my own contemplation of life, generally. 🙂

This morning I’ll step out into the world in the context of simply being. I’ll head to the office and do my comfortable best, content, professional, and secure. I’ll be kind to my colleagues. I’ll seek to be helpful where I am able to support others in their work. Community and collaboration require us to be helpful where we can. In a community, ideally, that’s a reciprocal exchange that is ongoing.

I like to think that if Monday goes well and smoothly, I can build the week from there, enjoying both my life and my work. I’m sure there will be boundary-setting here or there; I’ve grown better at it over time, and the thought doesn’t cause me any stress. I may need to say “no” now and then. I’ve gotten better at that too. I’ll need to bring a firm commitment to self-care on into the office with me; I still really have to work at that.

I’ve taken my “to do list” at home, and having utterly failed to complete any noteworthy portion of my planned weekend workload at home, I’ve spread it out over the week in my planning. I’ve done so partly to get it all done, and partly to determine if, indeed, this is a better way to do that. lol I guess I’ll know by Saturday morning, when I rise to face the dawn, and another drive down south to visit love and family.

It’s not a contest. It’s just my life. I’ve got a list of shit to get done. I’ve got a job to do during the week. There’s a lot to learn in life still just out of reach of what I know today. There’s no “finish line” – and if I approach life as some kind of race (rat or otherwise), I may miss the best bits. This week? I’ll pace myself, and approach living my life from a place of awareness, wonder, and contentment.

I’m ready to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being

Careful, Don’t Trip on That Assumption

February 22, 2018 //
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As the evening wound ’round to a relaxed finish yesterday, I contentedly contemplated the day to come. An early start in the office, a busy-but-productive day, a quiet evening tidying up here at home afterward… all dependent on a single assumption; I would wake up on time, and drive to work a bit early. Nothing amazing or weird, just a routine workday morning in that plan. All the snow that had fallen had even melted away from the roads and most of the walk ways. It had soften along the edges of the deck and begun to slump and fall. Vast muddy patches of ground with sparse forlorn grasses were revealed. Definitely warming up. The commute would be no challenge.

I woke a minute or two after 3 a.m. My bedroom was filled with light, a peculiar soft glow coming through window. I got up to check it out – had I, perhaps, overslept? Could it be past sunrise? Perhaps the moon was full? No, that’s not for days still. So… what then? I peered through the blinds, then squinted… then retrieved my glasses and put those on, and tried again. What the hell? More snow. Everything was white – snow-white. The illumination was simply all the ambient light reflect back off the snow. Funny that it woke me. Funnier still that I had no interest in staying awake, even though it was already almost 3:30 a.m. I went back to bed. I even slept.

I woke on time, feeling content and sure of myself. I already knew about the snow. I’d already adjusted my thinking in the few remaining minutes of wakefulness before returning to slumber. I got up. I barely dressed. Fuzzy spa socks. Soft jammies. I had coffee. I got to work. It was ridiculously early for that sort of thing, and I was hardly as awake as I generally am. Things like that are less relevant in the context of basic task processing of very familiar routine low-risk-of-failure sorts of things, so of course that’s where I started the day.

It was a productive day, in spite of all my routines and planning being entirely upended, even shattered, fragmented and thoroughly broken. More of that than not these days, and I say this knowing it isn’t actually ideal for me. I see it around me in small things I am less “on top of” than I expect to be. I still get plenty done, but subjectively I find it also very easy to really see what isn’t getting done, and needs to be. That’s something I can count on though, and an opportunity for a first-rate beginning. At some point.

It’s an interesting time to explore life with the woman in the mirror. She’s still got some rough edges, some things to work on, further to travel on this journey that is one human lifetime.  I frown for a moment at my monitor as some relevant seeming point slips past my awareness too quickly to include.

I end this day, again thinking I will be in the office tomorrow…only, this evening I also look out into the sky, at the darkness of gathering clouds that mock my willingness to make assumptions at all. Haven’t I learned that one, yet? I laugh at myself in a knowing way. Still so human.

There’s time to begin again.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being
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