I got a nice walk in, early this morning. The scent of early blooming roses greeted me on my way out. My tinnitus followed me everywhere. It’s a new day.
looks like a nice one
I breathe exhale, and relax. New routine begins today. I wonder what that looks like? I’ve got more than typical flexibility for figuring that out, these days. I’m very fortunate. I sit quietly with that awareness, grateful. Life hasn’t always been so (relatively) easy. It’s a good idea to feast on that with humility and gratitude, and simple awareness. (Builds resilience for future more difficult times.)
My Traveling Partner pings me good morning, and the day feels like it has really begun. I feel hopeful, encouraged, and enthusiastic, in spite of this headache and my tinnitus shrieking and buzzing in my ears. First work day after my camping trip… feels weird. lol
…Anyway. It’s time to begin again, and see where the day takes me.
I’m taking a minute or two after finishing my walk, to sit with my thoughts awhile before moving on with the day. It’s Mother’s Day. I am thinking about my father, and trying to remember how old he was when he died… wasn’t that in 2003? 2002? I’m not certain, and it vexes me. He wasn’t “old”; he passed in his 60s. I didn’t find out when it happened, only after. Quite a bit after, actually. I wasn’t very close with my family at that time (even now, actually). I have a David Bowie song in my head… I don’t know why these are related, but I feel as if there’s some connection.
The sun rose orange, this morning. I stayed quite local, not that what trail I walk has much to do with anything. It’s just a detail.
Mt Hood in the distance.
Mother’s Day is a weird sort of holiday. Certainly mothers deserve to be celebrated, and supported, and also given some fucking help with things, and an occasional fucking day off. No question about any of that… but… if a woman with a child (or children) isn’t getting these things from her partner, family, community, or society, does a “Hallmark holiday” make up for that at all? Mother’s Day is bit like the “carbon offset credit” of holidays. A “get out of jail free” pass for not paying due regard to mothers and the difficulty of that work in the first place. Still, I’m not intending to piss in anyone’s punch bowl; enjoy it, Moms, you’re overdue for more and better. It’s tough exhausting work.
…Funny that I’m thinking of my Dad, though, and can’t remember any Mother’s Days, from my youth…
I’m 100% okay with not being a mother, myself, and don’t feel any loss over not being part of this “holiday”. Choices. I am glad I made the choices I made. They led me here.
Looks like another sunny summer-y day ahead. My Traveling Partner turned the outside water back on for the season, in spite of being injured still. I can’t quite reach the valve, myself. I think about the day ahead, and my list of things to do. Some of the stuff on my list is routine housekeeping, and gardening, and with my camping trip only 7 days away now, a few things to do with that are making it to the list, too. I’m excited about that. I’m hopeful that I’ll have no cause to leave the house after I return from my walk; it’ll be utter chaos “out there”, being Mother’s Day. Looks like a lovely Spring Sunday ahead…
…60 doesn’t “feel old” to me and I sit with that thought for awhile, remembering my Granny at 60… my Mom… my Dear Friend… My perspective on age and aging has changed a lot over the years, as I’ve aged, myself. I was in my 20s when my Granny was 60. I was 40 when my Mother was 60. By the time my Dear Friend was 60, I was not quite 50. Time is catching up with me. lol 60 hasn’t really changed much…but my understanding of it sure has.
I’ll be 61 this year. I haven’t given it much thought. I have most of what I need in life, and a handful of pleasant luxuries besides. It’s a good life, and I am in a good place, and have to put real thought into it to come up with something to want “for my birthday”. Mostly I want my Traveling Partner to be sufficiently recovered to go out for a meal together, and maybe a drive in the countryside – perhaps a picnic lunch at a favorite spot, and some romance… something simple and ordinary. Modest wholesome experiences of life and intimacy and a wee outing together would feel pretty lavish right now. Fuck, that actually sounds quite delightful! I surely won’t hold it against him if he’s not yet up for it. Sucks to deal with an unexpected injury and the time it takes to recover, but it can’t be rushed, and it’s something most people eventually deal with. We’re in it together and that matters so much more than any birthday gift could.
My camping trip feels like a birthday present to myself. It’s planned for a bit longer than I might typically go, and I’ll be geared up for “glamping” thanks to my Traveling Partner. I’m super excited about it.
What love looks like to me.
I sit smiling, thinking about love. The other day I came home from a manicure appointment with glittery aqua-blue nails. My partner commented that they were cute but didn’t go with anything else I generally wear. I laughed that off and pointed out the sweater I’d been wearing as close enough. Hardly an hour later he had 3D printed me a super cute pair of earrings that were an amazing color match for my nails. I feel so loved. Earrings are the only jewelry I wear, generally. He knows and cares, and loves making me smile. I’ve pretty much been wearing them ever since. lol It feels good to be so loved.
The moments tick by as the sun rises. It’s already time to begin again.
I woke during the night rather abruptly. I was “stuck on a thought” that surfaced in a dream, a hint of a recollection that was sufficiently unclear that it “broke the flow” of my dreams. Over my coffee, this morning, I searched my archived emails for a related email thread I was certain existed “in real life” to see if I could clear up the vagueness in my recollection. It wasn’t all that difficult, and I quickly found the email exchange with my recently deceased dear friend that I recalled when I woke during the wee hours. I read it, and one or two that followed it. Now I sit, memories refreshed based on that “there/then” perspective, sipping my coffee and amusing myself with how very like “time travel” this felt. I’d forgotten quite a lot that had seemed significant to me then.
The email exchange, generally, was on themes of love and the work that goes into that, and it’s interesting to me how very much the love between my Traveling Partner and I has continued to deepen and grow over time. I reflect on other partnerships I’ve invested some portion of a life time in, and it has not been the case that those relationships improved, deepened, or grew over time. Rather, it has been my experience of other long-term relationships that they tend to weaken, to grow stale, to become a burden over time, and I would myself wondering (near the end) how it was that joy could so steadily erode between people who were still trying to call it “love” so long after the love seemed to have slipped away.
I am so grateful for this love I share with my Traveling Partner! I see subtle changes over time reflected in my emails with my dear friend. Instead of playfulness becoming aggravation, our playfulness with each other developed further, becoming cherished inside jokes and lasting affection. Instead of romantic passion and lust waning over the years, we continue to yearn for each other’s touch and to reach for each other. The wanting lasts (in spite of occasional circumstances when it is difficult to fulfill those needs). Our understanding of each other has become deeper, more nuanced, more reliably accurate, instead of feeling as if we are “growing apart” experience by experience. I am so fortunate to be in this place in life, with this human being.
…I sit awhile, thinking about love…
I sip my coffee thinking about “where we began”, colleagues, then friends, later lovers, eventually living together… each step further taking us to new places as human beings on life’s journey. Now here we are. I’m glad to continue to share this journey with this human being. No, it’s not always “easy” – but many of things I enjoy most require quite a bit of sustained effort, attention, and continued reinvestment of time and resources. Why would I be surprised that love similarly requires these things? It’s like… one of the best things ever and worth the time and the verbs. 😀 I entertain myself awhile longer, reading tales of this love I share with my Traveling Partner, as told in emails between my dear friend and I. My heart feels lifted. Her wisdom was so helpful at so many steps along the way, too. The wisdom of a good and very dear friend with my best interests in mind is a beautiful and rare thing.
…What a pleasant morning. I reflect on my good fortune, and feel myself wrapped in love as I start my work day. It’s already time to get going on that. Already time to begin again. 😀
I am sipping the last of my first cup of coffee this morning. The paper cup is still warm, though the coffee is almost gone. It’s a cool summer morning at the leading edge of a new work week and the start of the day. I pause along the path I am walking to sit a moment, breath the morning air and listen to the birds and the sound of distant traffic and construction.
A pleasant walk, a pleasant morning.
I finished at the sleep lab this morning at 06:00… Rather late compared to my usual wakeup time around 04:30 or 05:00. Weird experience. 10 out of 10 for “interesting”. Hard to say “how I slept”, although the sleep technician asked, as did the questionnaire I filled out after waking up. I did sleep. I am rested. My sleep was about typical for a “good night” for me. A bit restless, and interrupted a couple times, but in this case the restlessness had a lot to do with being wired up every which way, making it tough to be entirely comfortable.
My Traveling Partner isn’t wrong though; I’ve got apnea bad enough that it was easily detected in the first couple hours of the night, causing the technician to come in and wake me long enough to go ahead and put me on a CPAP machine for the rest of the night. Sleeping with that addition further complicated my ability to be comfortable, partly because I was all wired up still, and partly because it was something more to get used to, and in a strange place on top of that.
… I still managed to get enough sleep to be fully rested, and more hours than typical for me. A larger percentage of my time asleep, according to my sleep tracker on my wearable was spent on deep sleep. Win.
This is all very encouraging. It’s an unfortunately slow process though. I now have to wait for the physician to get back to me and schedule time to come in to get my prescription and machine. Did you know you can’t easily get a CPAP machine without a prescription? Lucrative bit of medical industry this sleep stuff, eh? Probably not a coincidence that the doctor here also owns the medical equipment supply business here in town.
… Pretty morning. I feel hopeful. A good time to begin again.
Some years I’ve spent Valentine’s Day alone. That hasn’t been a problem for me. Other years I’ve enjoyed the companionship of friends, or in the embrace of a lover, or with my Traveling Partner. In the abstract, I enjoy the idea of a holiday celebrating sexual and romantic love very much. I still think it is super weird that card giveaways by multitudes of school children have anything at all to do with that. Just seems wildly inappropriate to mix all those things up together, is what I’m saying.
Last night my Traveling Partner looked over at me, “I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day” he observed with a somewhat regretful tone. “I didn’t get you anything either.” I replied, rather matter-of-factly. I immediately felt that perhaps I should have – although most years we haven’t done anything much about Valentine’s Day besides love each other. Last year was unusual – fairly spectacular, honestly. This year I made plans to make a really nice dinner for the two of us, nothing exotic, just good cooking. I am even counting on myself not to be shy about romance and instigating some adult fun after work. My anxiety can sometimes get in my way, and the awareness of it alone can provoke it, but I’m feeling good about myself and the day, and my partner, and love generally, so… I have hopes for a pleasant evening of companionship, love, and romance. Expensive gifts are not a requirement.
It hits me out of the blue; intimacy needs presence not presents. I could have taken the day off and spent it in the company of love. Fucking hell. How is this only now something I think of? I make a reminder on my calendar in the distant future – a year away, minus a couple weeks, “Get Valentine’s Day Off!!”. Along the way, I notice the long weekend coming up with unexpected relief and delight; I apparently thought ahead to planning Friday off in advance of the 3-day President’s Day weekend. Damn, I hope I don’t blow it with my bullshit… we could really use a lovely long weekend spent enjoying each other’s company.
“Lovers” 1991
Love takes work. Not one day of cards, flowers, gifts, and chocolates – real work, every day. Real commitment. Real consideration. Real respect. Real caring. No faking it with love, either. Love sees through fakery pretty easily, in spite of all the “love is blind” shit we hear. Love can be hurt. Love can be damaged. Love can even be destroyed – how tragic that is! I take a breath, and think about love. I sigh out loud in this quiet space, and remind myself how many delightful wonderful experiences still take some effort, or some practice, to really “get it right”. I think about love for a few minutes, just sitting here smiling and sipping my coffee.
…I’m fortunate to be so well loved…
“Cherry Blossoms” 2011
I yawn and stretch, and watch the dark of night give way to the pale blue gray of a wintry dawn. I think about my Traveling Partner, still asleep at home, unaware of the snow that fell during the night. I hope his dreams are pleasant. I think back on all the things he’s done to make life better for us over the past couple of years since he moved back in with me… it’s been, what, about 4 years? December 2018, I think…? Wow. We’ve come so far together in such a short time. 😀
I sit here just smiling for awhile, thinking about this human being I love so dearly. I think about yesterday’s bit of writing, and better ways to demonstrate my affection day-to-day…
Evening Light 